:scream:

[Raz]

::

it's the moment stretched into forever

his hands around her throat

her rasping pleas

her voice breaking

the sound of children you love

crying

and his eyes

black

with rage

every vein prominent

fuelled by something dark

and reptile

pre-human

and as old as the terror

which fuels

your

scream

::

 

[leiphos]

Cool poem. I like the formatting.

There are some redundancies though. The word "terror" preceding "scream" falls a bit flat because the two words are so often associated. Also in the phrase "eyes black with rage every vein prominent", you could lose "with rage" because the imagery is strong enough to imply the emotion.

I really like the reptile bit. It's interesting how anger pulls us away from our humanity.

Cool poem.

 

[Raz]

Thanks for the feedback! I originally made the end of it like this:

fuelled by something dark

and reptile

pre-human

and as old

as your scream

But I thought it needed an emotion to balance the rage bit....I guess if I do get rid of the rage though, then I don't need the terror either; I'm going to read this later in the week, so I will try it with the adjustment and see how it goes..

 

[Jabberwocky]

I enjoyed this as i enjoy most of your whatif and scenario writings. On thing i will say is reptile seems to do something to the flow, perhaps its tense or wording. i accidentally replaced it with reptilian when i read it first time through. any who cheers, you always transport me with your writing. it is very distinct.

 

[leiphos]

^ same here. I thought it was "reptilian". It's probably because you say right before: "something dark"; dark is an adj. there, which makes us expect reptile to be presented in adj. form.