I have been "Officially Diagnosed" by multiple psychiatrists in the past 3-4 years as having Bi-Polar Disorder as well as Schizophrenia, including full blown hearing voices, having visuals when not on any drugs at all, etc. I've experienced a wide variety of what are considered Schizophrenic symptoms - and more than anything else, I realize now that I've been diagnosed that this was ALL present BEFORE I started doing ANY psychedelics or even smoking weed. I never touched a drug prior to age 19. I turn 30 in 2 months. When I think back on how I USED to think internally when I was 10 or 11, 15 or 16 - my train of thought, method to the madness.........it's always been the same. I used to hear voices as a teenager telling me to kill my family, or my father at least - I was raised religious and chose to see the "Voices" as the devil trying pull me away from "The Light of Christ". These 2 disorders together are fucking bizarre - when Sober, I'm a pretty big asshole/crazy person. I can fly off the handle at anytime, get violent if pushed too far, curse out my own mother - I've done a lot of fucked up shit that I couldn't control no matter how hard I tried. As crazy as I'm about to sound - Psychedelics, first DXM, then LSD really helped me dive into my internal world and work some shit out. I still have these problems and deal with them on a daily basis - but my trips and tripping on a regular basis for the past 10 years have taught me how to WORK WITH my Illness instead of trying to fight it. You have to learn to ACCEPT that you ARE multiple people inside of one body, like it or not, scary or not. Psychs/Dissociatives have helped me learn to love myself for who I am, and they have SERIOUSLY helped chill me out, really taking away some tendencies towards violence that I've had for my entire life.
I feel more at home on PCP and more like myself, than I do when I'm 100% Sober, and that is the honest truth. I love DXM, MXE, Ketamine, PCP, 3-MeO-PCP - as well as LSD, DMT - I'm not a huge Mushroom fan. They take me to a bizarre land where I do NOT feel like myself, nor do I like the person that I feel like. I've had some FUCKED up trips on Mushrooms, even with Xanex administered to take the edge off. Psilocybin REALLY fucks with my disorders and my head in general. That doesn't mean it's going to be like that for every single person with these disorders tho, so don't be scared, just be safe and keep some quality benzo's around whilst tripping - you'll be fine. Meditation has really helped me learn to calm my mind as well - as I absolutely REFUSE to take any form of Medication for my disorders. I've tried a few when first diagnosed when I was younger and hated how they made me feel. I've tried Depakote, and Lithium. I hated them both and stopped ASAP after giving them a fair trial. Honestly, as one other guy mentioned, smoking Weed, especially really potent nuggets, fucks up my Schizophrenia/Bi-Polar Disorder more than ANY OTHER DRUG. Straight up, and I LOVE weed. I've had to quit smoking to stay sane now tho, even tho I really enjoy kicking back with a box of blunts and my favorite music. I have started to form a hypothesis about Dissociative's and Schizophrenia tho.............................
I feel like Dissociatives may be a magical helper for Schizophrenics to be able to learn about their disorder from a neutral, third party point of view. My life, my mind, and who I am are SO much more composed and put together when on a Dissociative compared to when I'm sober. I feel a good comparison is the difference's between when someone diagnosed as having severe ADD or ADHD versus someone who doesn't have it or is only slightly ADD or ADHD takes something like Dextroamphetamine or Methylphenidate for the 1st time. Usually the person who does NOT have the disorder becomes very energetic and talkative, completely unable or uninterested in focusing on anything - versus the person who has severe ADD or ADHD who takes medication for the 1st time, and they're actually able to sit down for the first time in their life it feels like and actually get some shit done! That was how I felt the first time I took Adderall - as I've also been diagnosed with ADD since age 15, although I've never taken medication regularly. I used to be straight edge during my teen years and refused to be properly medicated as I felt that made me "A Pussy" and i could deal with it on my own. Jump forward 15 years and I wish I would've swallowed my pride back then and gave medications a go - as the first drug that I took regularly that I felt helped my variety of disorders was Marijuana. That help was very short lived and honestly, other than Opiates - Marijuana is the worst drug for me to take. I'm getting off topic - sorry.
Anyways...........I've noticed that Dissociatives give me that same/similar feeling that I got for my ADD the first time I took Adderall - but it's when I take MXE, Ketamine, 3-MeO-PCP or DXM for my Schizophrenia. It doesn't make me even MORE Schizophrenic - if anything the only way I can describe the feeling is as a breath of fresh air. Mental Relaxation FINALLY! I spend my life inside of my own self created virtual world, stuck inside my head 24hrs a day for the past 29 years. When I take Dissociatives, I feel the way I WISH I felt when I was Sober. If that's how normal people get to feel when Sober - I get why most people don't understand folks inspirations for taking drugs and fucking themselves up - or just getting high in general. If I was to find myself stuck in a permanent MXE or DXM trip - I honestly can't say that I would be bummed or frightened - only happy and willing to be enlightened. I think this class of drugs could be the "Magic Bullet" that all Schizophrenics wish they were able to locate from time to time. I would absolutely LOVE to see more research into this field and feel that it could show us some VERY SURPRISING and PROMISING results. I've become very passionate about these compounds, partially because I am "addicted" to them in a way - but more of in a way someone get's addicted to weed. I just like the changes they make in my brain. They make me feel like a Human Being for once. I've spent my life feeling like anything BUT a Human Being if that makes sense. Don't write Psychedelics/Dissociatives off as being a potential tool to help people with mental illnesses in the future. They could be PRECISELY what people with my diagnosis have been needing - we've just been too scared and apprehensive to look into the field or class of compounds and give them a go. LET'S START THE RESEARCH! I'm 100% willing to be a Test Subject.
If anyone has particular questions, feel free to ask away. I'm willing to answer questions about my disorders, or my experiences with these drugs since my diagnosis - whatever you may find helpful. I wish you all the best. Take care.