Today I was mad at the world.
I wasn’t worried about my petty relationship troubles, or the inbalance of my inner subtides. I didn’t think to be concerned with the wellbeing of my family or my boyfriend or anyone else for that matter. I didn’t do my homework, I didn’t write in my journal, I didn’t gossip online and I didn’t watch television.
I thought about him.
Schizophrenia… a psychotic disorders characterized by distortions of reality and disturbances of thought and language and withdrawal from social contact. This disorder… it always seemed nonexistant in my life. Not real. But in one short day, all of that would change.
A friend. That’s what he was. Not a best friend, but a lot more to me than an aquaintance or just someone who you eat lunch with and say, “Hello!” to in the hallways.
Last year I sat in that hallway at lunch. I don’t remember why my best friend and I started sitting there in the first place. I think it was because our friend’s brother sat down there, and we were becoming friends with him. It doesn’t really matter why I started sitting in that hallway, the point is I did.
The hallway. A place for the social rejects – I didn’t really belong there – but it was my new home. I’m not saying we were all social rejects, none of us were… but all of us had one thing in common – we didn’t need to be cool.
So we sat there every lunch period and all of us there were friends. We started hanging out on the weekends. Every lunch period was a comedy hour… and every lunch period I spent in that hallway changed my life in a significant way.
He sat in that hall with me. His name: Aaron, nicknamed: Chink Eye. Why? Because whenever he laughed one of his eyes would squint up like an Oriental person. He was a funny kid, but he had a head on his shoulders, we called him a genious because he was in Physics and Calculus.
We went to a party at his house on one occasion, there was some drinking going on, after all he was a senior. I didn’t drink, but I went there with Marci, Dan, Bob and Bill to just have some fun. His parents came home. His mother said, “AARON! I BETTER NOT SEE AN BOOZE IN THIS HOUSE!” And in one of his classic, funny moments he replied, “DON’T LOOK IN THE FRIDGE!”
I was always told that all of the windows and doors in this building are fireproof and take a lot of effort to break. On one occasion, in the hall at lunch, Kenny pushed Aaron into the door, and he kicked the glass window and broke it… he never lived that one down.
All those memories of last year, hallway memories, it was: Dan AKA Danels, Bob (the Hog), Bill, Bagaco, (Hippy) Joe, Akens, Aaron (chink eye), Marci, Mel, Amy, Marjia, Meg, Nina and I… not always 100%, but if at least two of us were there, we were sitting together in that hallway, most of the time we were laughing.
He graduated Gloucester High School last year, with honors, and went on to college. We used to joke about how Bob was going to live in the garage of his mansion and mow his lawn in a few years. He was gifted.
On the day of graduation I watched him receive his diploma, and then I went down to the field so I could take pictures with him. And I did. I gave him a big hug and congradulated him… then we joked about how I was going to the Insane Clown Posse concert later on that evening. We sang some of the lyrics to The Stalker, which had been a hall joke that involved Bob, Aaron, Marci and I.
After he graduated I saw him once over the summer. Then, this year at school, he came back and I spent lunch with him. He looked great, he’d just gotten a tattoo and he was doing well in school. I gave him a hug and told him I missed him, and that’s the last I saw of him.
May 2, 2002 – around 6:00 p.m., that’s when I heard the news. I was with Marci at my house. Dan instant messaged me. Bad news.
Aaron had jumped off the 128 bridge, the bridge that one of my friends had committed suicide by jumping off of it last year.
But Aaron wasn’t dead, and he hadn’t intentionally jumped. The doctors found out that he has Schizophrenia. He had tried to climb up the bridge and fell off, then he crawled up to the highway where he was hit by a car. His already badly damaged leg was torn apart and had to be amputated. He is now in critical condition at Mass General.
Schizophrenia… not Aaron! Not Chink Eye! WHY HIM!? WHY NOT ME!?
I still haven’t cried a tear. It isn’t real to me just yet. It is just “some kid” that jumped off that bridge… “some kid” with that terrible psychological disorder… “some…kid”.
But when it hits me, I know it will hit me hard. It’s AARON! The genious that was going to have a mansion, and be a famous scientist… The kid who I sat with at lunch almost every day last year because he had the same E-block Study Hall as me!!! The kid who bought a shirt off of the CLEARANCE rack at Abercrombie and Fitch for $20! It was funny, remember, Bob said, “You paid $20 for a shirt off the clearance rack???”
I know him. I know Aaron. I know Aaron Pacheco. I know Chink Eye.
And again and again I keep telling myself that this isn’t real. He wasn’t meant to drop out of college, his dreams weren’t meant to be broken like this! He isn’t supposed to have only one leg… he’s always had TWO! He doesn’t deserve this…
So… like I said before… I am mad at the world. Why? Because I don’t know what or who I should be mad at. I need to blame this on something or someone… I need a motive or a reason…
So right now, not much matters to me. I have lost a lot of faith in this world. It’s ridiculous for me to worry about the petty troubles in my life when my friend is going through such a terrible fate right now.
So to all my friends, I am sorry if I am withdrawn. To my boyfriend, to my family, to my teachers, to my peers, to anyone involved in my life… I am sorry if you are not my priority right now. I am sorry if I act mean to you, I am just looking for someone to take this all out on.
And as for you, Aaron, Chink Eye… my heart is with you.
But…
This isn’t real yet.
This is something you see in a movie, that’s what I keep telling myself… that this is a movie, it would never happen in real life.
But it happened, and I bet that when Aaron was falling from that bridge he was wishing it WAS a movie…
It happened.
It’s real.
--By Bethany Brennan on May 3, 2002 9:13 a.m.
Title: It’s Real
I wasn’t worried about my petty relationship troubles, or the inbalance of my inner subtides. I didn’t think to be concerned with the wellbeing of my family or my boyfriend or anyone else for that matter. I didn’t do my homework, I didn’t write in my journal, I didn’t gossip online and I didn’t watch television.
I thought about him.
Schizophrenia… a psychotic disorders characterized by distortions of reality and disturbances of thought and language and withdrawal from social contact. This disorder… it always seemed nonexistant in my life. Not real. But in one short day, all of that would change.
A friend. That’s what he was. Not a best friend, but a lot more to me than an aquaintance or just someone who you eat lunch with and say, “Hello!” to in the hallways.
Last year I sat in that hallway at lunch. I don’t remember why my best friend and I started sitting there in the first place. I think it was because our friend’s brother sat down there, and we were becoming friends with him. It doesn’t really matter why I started sitting in that hallway, the point is I did.
The hallway. A place for the social rejects – I didn’t really belong there – but it was my new home. I’m not saying we were all social rejects, none of us were… but all of us had one thing in common – we didn’t need to be cool.
So we sat there every lunch period and all of us there were friends. We started hanging out on the weekends. Every lunch period was a comedy hour… and every lunch period I spent in that hallway changed my life in a significant way.
He sat in that hall with me. His name: Aaron, nicknamed: Chink Eye. Why? Because whenever he laughed one of his eyes would squint up like an Oriental person. He was a funny kid, but he had a head on his shoulders, we called him a genious because he was in Physics and Calculus.
We went to a party at his house on one occasion, there was some drinking going on, after all he was a senior. I didn’t drink, but I went there with Marci, Dan, Bob and Bill to just have some fun. His parents came home. His mother said, “AARON! I BETTER NOT SEE AN BOOZE IN THIS HOUSE!” And in one of his classic, funny moments he replied, “DON’T LOOK IN THE FRIDGE!”
I was always told that all of the windows and doors in this building are fireproof and take a lot of effort to break. On one occasion, in the hall at lunch, Kenny pushed Aaron into the door, and he kicked the glass window and broke it… he never lived that one down.
All those memories of last year, hallway memories, it was: Dan AKA Danels, Bob (the Hog), Bill, Bagaco, (Hippy) Joe, Akens, Aaron (chink eye), Marci, Mel, Amy, Marjia, Meg, Nina and I… not always 100%, but if at least two of us were there, we were sitting together in that hallway, most of the time we were laughing.
He graduated Gloucester High School last year, with honors, and went on to college. We used to joke about how Bob was going to live in the garage of his mansion and mow his lawn in a few years. He was gifted.
On the day of graduation I watched him receive his diploma, and then I went down to the field so I could take pictures with him. And I did. I gave him a big hug and congradulated him… then we joked about how I was going to the Insane Clown Posse concert later on that evening. We sang some of the lyrics to The Stalker, which had been a hall joke that involved Bob, Aaron, Marci and I.
After he graduated I saw him once over the summer. Then, this year at school, he came back and I spent lunch with him. He looked great, he’d just gotten a tattoo and he was doing well in school. I gave him a hug and told him I missed him, and that’s the last I saw of him.
May 2, 2002 – around 6:00 p.m., that’s when I heard the news. I was with Marci at my house. Dan instant messaged me. Bad news.
Aaron had jumped off the 128 bridge, the bridge that one of my friends had committed suicide by jumping off of it last year.
But Aaron wasn’t dead, and he hadn’t intentionally jumped. The doctors found out that he has Schizophrenia. He had tried to climb up the bridge and fell off, then he crawled up to the highway where he was hit by a car. His already badly damaged leg was torn apart and had to be amputated. He is now in critical condition at Mass General.
Schizophrenia… not Aaron! Not Chink Eye! WHY HIM!? WHY NOT ME!?
I still haven’t cried a tear. It isn’t real to me just yet. It is just “some kid” that jumped off that bridge… “some kid” with that terrible psychological disorder… “some…kid”.
But when it hits me, I know it will hit me hard. It’s AARON! The genious that was going to have a mansion, and be a famous scientist… The kid who I sat with at lunch almost every day last year because he had the same E-block Study Hall as me!!! The kid who bought a shirt off of the CLEARANCE rack at Abercrombie and Fitch for $20! It was funny, remember, Bob said, “You paid $20 for a shirt off the clearance rack???”
I know him. I know Aaron. I know Aaron Pacheco. I know Chink Eye.
And again and again I keep telling myself that this isn’t real. He wasn’t meant to drop out of college, his dreams weren’t meant to be broken like this! He isn’t supposed to have only one leg… he’s always had TWO! He doesn’t deserve this…
So… like I said before… I am mad at the world. Why? Because I don’t know what or who I should be mad at. I need to blame this on something or someone… I need a motive or a reason…
So right now, not much matters to me. I have lost a lot of faith in this world. It’s ridiculous for me to worry about the petty troubles in my life when my friend is going through such a terrible fate right now.
So to all my friends, I am sorry if I am withdrawn. To my boyfriend, to my family, to my teachers, to my peers, to anyone involved in my life… I am sorry if you are not my priority right now. I am sorry if I act mean to you, I am just looking for someone to take this all out on.
And as for you, Aaron, Chink Eye… my heart is with you.
But…
This isn’t real yet.
This is something you see in a movie, that’s what I keep telling myself… that this is a movie, it would never happen in real life.
But it happened, and I bet that when Aaron was falling from that bridge he was wishing it WAS a movie…
It happened.
It’s real.
--By Bethany Brennan on May 3, 2002 9:13 a.m.
Title: It’s Real
