I have a similar problem... it's due to a lot of things but has worsened due to ample uses of dissociative compounds (everyday use for months)... Amphetamines can cause the exact same problem just in a different plain (so to speak).... I simply call it being a Hermet.... it only becomes a problem if you truly feel lonely. In my case I do not have an entirely apathetic attitude towards others... in fact it's a strange paradox due to my younger years; doing far too much MDMA (and other amphetamines) which lead to immense empathic feeling towards others... generally leaving my own emotions behind. Eventually I ended up in a place of apathy (towards myself and others) due to being too kind to others who could not return the favor... leading to a natural feeling of apathy towards the grand majority of human life (don't fret! there are plenty of lovely people out there... many like yourself... many to relate to above all else). If you see this as being a problem seek professional help (at the same time don't listen to a damn word the doctor says until you find a good one) A true doctor would prescribe you something like Valium and would tell you to immediately stop self medicating (it seems to be doing more harm then good for you at this point). Antipsychotic medications and SSRI's (any and all anti depressants) will not serve you (imo)... I hear voices, see things that are not "really" there, have strong conversations with different 'energies' in my head that can get nasty... becoming overly sensitive at times for no reason... not trusting anyone or anything.. feeling as if every mating call from a locust, bark from a dog, or chirping of a bird is being directed at me.... (all of these things going back and forth between being light and dark). I also induced level II Bipolar back in the day from amphetamine abuse (worth mentioning). Now if I went to a doctor they would say (at the least) that I am schizoaffective.... it's really no big deal, as long as you find out how to cope with it without the long term use of prescription (and non prescription drugs)... speaking as an idealist. I find a bit of my comfort right here on Bluelight, simply getting shit off your chest is one of the best treatments for this sort of thinking... it also forces one to connect on a minor level through the internet, which is better then staying in imagination land alone all day. I would suggest skipping the therapist and finding a good psychiatrist... this is costly and not easy to do but it may serve you in the long run. Best wishes and kick that vampires teeth out.
Thank you reading this definitely made me feel better this morning. I used for 9 years over half my life at the time, and I quit cold turky one day and kicked a 1 gram a day habit and cut a lot of ties and connections. I was sober for almost 2 years and just like all my past relapses the drug is just ever where I go. So about 5 months or so ago I started using again starting from lines and gradualy escalating, and i recently found my self out of work ( I payed my rent 2 months in advance so I'm safe for now) and I'm down to $0 applying to every mcdonalds and every thing that I can for the past month no one calls me back even though I have no criminal history and plenty of experience. I could rant on but you get the point I'm not in a good mind set to give a damn about humanity. The only people I feel any empathy towards anymore are people that society has failed, but not my self. Only because I wouldnt wish this feeling upon any one I was close to or anyone who I am opposed to.
I guess I wouldn't be so bothered by all of these feelings if I didn't have such a kind heart. All my previous relationships have been disastrous for my mind, but at the same time I'm thankful for it because of the wisdom I gained from them. I feel like all of the things that have caused me the most pain and trouble are the things that made me as humble and loving as I am( Kind of like how some one can love there bad mother even after a rough childhood because its what made them the person they are today) . Looking back on the things I used to believe in and the violence I'v taken part in was so ignorant of me and with out sinking passed depression into apathy has taught me a great lesson. I'm just ready to move on and get on with the brighter side of life.
Meth definitely helps me, and I do the things I am supposed to do. Every time I quit meth I fall into alcoholism and I don't stop until I start using meth again. Then depending on how hard I was drinking before the relapse it slowly fades away untill I don't even think of drinking. I feel happy, feel like life ain't so boring and dull. THat makes me think that I have had this disorder my whole life because my strongest memory from the time befor I ever even smoked weed. I also remember it so vividly I remember it down to where I was when I felt this way and the words i said in my head who was in front of me in line when we were going back to class. I just had this overwhelming feeling of "I don't want to exist." not necessarily want to die in fact I don't want to die but I'd just wish I never existed and life is not worth its purpose.
Iv gon 2 years off meth and about 7 or 8 months during that time totally sober no weed, alcohol and I just dont enjoy anything.... at all... I cant do the shit I am supposed to do or that I want to do. All I want to do is be alone and in bed and eat and go back to bed and listen to music thats all I ever want to do when I am sober I force my self to go through the motions but I cant laugh at jokes I might beable to force a fake chuckle. Even when I find out about a family or friend death or hearing out someones problems I don't know what I should feel, do or say. The emotions, facial expressions, or tears are just missing, and then people just think that I didn't really care about the person or about them. So I usually have to try and fake these emotions and it just feels awkward. On meth I can naturally feel this empathy and caring for people. I'm not constantly in a state of apathy. Valume don't help, pazil, prozac, zoloft, buspar, and some other b drug none of those work worth a damn they make it worse they just give me more people to despise because they cant or wont do anything to help me.
I have been diagnosed with ADHD but they wont give me amphetamines because they said since I'm addicted to meth or was they are not going to give me speed. THough I know what I want/need and I know what helps I could keep doing it my self I just wanted a way to have a controlled dosage so I could just not have to worry about not having my medication and could neef like life was not worth the effort.
P.s. dont worry I know suicide is never the answer to problems like this I should be thankful for what I got, but fuck.... I just want to feel like a normal person feels like with out people thinking its because im an illegal drug addict and my problems are because of the drug.
