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Scared to the bone about what people thinks of me. / Fear of failure.

M

max_

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 15, 2011
Messages
576
I'm 20 and I started university this year (for some reason I think it's super important to say what my age is). I used to smoke a lot of weed and at times I got hung up with pretty stronger stuff but I'm over that now. I still smoke weed but strictly on the weekends. Lowering the amount and frequency of my weed use proved to be very beneficial for my confidence level and self esteem. Now, when I smoke weed I have very intense experiences, including synaesthesia, depersonalization and panic attack-like states. I don't enjoy it as much as I did but I still like to have that me time on Saturday nights and when I manage to ride the trip, I get to realize some deep stuff about myself.
What usually happens is that I put on some jazz, I wait till everyone's asleep, I turn the lights down and have a little joint. Minutes later I start freaking out about my studies and I feel like I should be studying. I know I can't do that on that state so I just watch some TV or play videogames to numb my head. Last night I did something else, I turned the lights totally off and layed on my bed to face whatever thoughts may come up. I realized that I was scared shitless about what people thinks of me. About what they will think after I posed as super responsible if I failed my tests. Or what will my professors think of me if they knew I'm a drug fiend (I am, do trust me). Or what will I do with my life if I don't have what it takes to get my degree. Or why did I joke about my tea being an exotic herbal blend with my classmates. Because, these people are my future colleagues and I can't have my colleagues thinking I don't have what it takes or that I'm a drug user.

Bl, help me, how can I overcome this overwhelming fear?
 
Lowering the amount and frequency of my weed use proved to be very beneficial for my confidence level and self esteem. Now, when I smoke weed I have very intense experiences, including synaesthesia, depersonalization and panic attack-like states.
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This does not compute. Perhaps you really shouldn't smoke weed; paranoia is one of the reasons I don't touch the stuff, as it heightens an already jumpy personality.

About what they will think after I posed as super responsible if I failed my tests. Or what will my professors think of me if they knew I'm a drug fiend (I am, do trust me). Or what will I do with my life if I don't have what it takes to get my degree. Or why did I joke about my tea being an exotic herbal blend with my classmates. Because, these people are my future colleagues and I can't have my colleagues thinking I don't have what it takes or that I'm a drug user.
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Here's my sophisticated advice, from one worrywort to another: lighten up. Fifty bucks says your profs don't know who you you are, while you'll wave at your "future colleagues" next semester and be puzzled when they look at you like you're a sasquatch with a propeller hat. Or just read some Epictetus or Seneca, YMMV.
 
your weed story sounds familiar to me, i stopped smoking because of these effects.

the first semesters in university can be hard. depending on your subjects, you have to adapt to a high workload, and there will be pressure to perform. but if you have some interest and talent in what you are doing (you do not have to be a total nerd!), you will manage to go through it (with some work of course). so don't spend your time worrying too much.

also, there will be talking behind backs in uni inevitably, especially during the orientation and group formation phase in the beginning. try to be open, find some decent people, and give nil fucks about what others, who want to mask their own fears of failing with ugly behaviour, might think.
 
Hey! You remind me of myself lol. I'm 21 and also at uni, also cutting down on weed. I've noticed a huge difference with cutting down over the last 2 weeks and my confidence/ self esteem/ memory/ being able to talk to people, etc. Honestly I reckon you should take a longer break from weed, or at least try smoking standard weed or some hash if you don't want to give it up completely. Are you getting any benefits from smoking it at the moment? Don't get me wrong, I love weed but the introspectiveness seems to intensify thoughts/ worries, making you paranoid about things you shouldn't be.

Btw It's a good thing you can joke around with your classmates! They would never hate on you or not take you seriously for being friendly. Remember other people will be too caught up in their own lives to judge you for petty things.. and if they do- fuck them! they are not worth it.

I hope you learn to relax, meet some awesome people and enjoy uni. :)
 
why give a shit what people think. have more confidence tho this comes with age. fuck em' professors are just people and no-one is perfect. half of them have prob taken drugs. anyways drug fiends can be very successfull in life so get over it. you are smoking too much in one go now you have a much lower tolerance. get a pipe. no joints. i'm the same myself
 
I don't recommend this for everyone, but sometime life is better living through chemistry. I used to have a similar problem with people. I got a script to klonopin, and started giving way less of a shit what everyone though about me. After about 3 months, I canceled the script and now I don't take anything. I feel way better now, and being on klonopin in public helped me throw myself into situations that I normally wouldn't, and I got comfortable outside of my comfort zone. It changed the way I think, now that I'm off them, and I really don't care about what anyone thinks. I have way more confidence, and an established ego. I'm really secure about myself now. My anxiety has completely abated.
 
It sounds like everyone here has just about covered it, but uh... it's the weed, my man. I remember smoking weed when I was younger, and I remember enjoying it. I'd come home from school, smoke a bowl, eat ice cream and watch Family Guy, masturbate and then fall asleep lol.

But now whenever I smoke, I obsess over what everyone really thinks of me; I get so unbelievably paranoid and anxious. It sucks, man. It's like these thoughts race through my head: Am I really so much fun to be around? Am I really so smart and funny and handsome? I'm certainly not the smartest guy in the world, or the funniest, or the most handsome... so maybe I'm not smart or funny or handsome at all. Maybe I annoy people, and maybe I'm boring, even, and maybe no one really likes me at all...
 
verso said:
It sounds like everyone here has just about covered it, but uh... it's the weed, my man. I remember smoking weed when I was younger, and I remember enjoying it. I'd come home from school, smoke a bowl, eat ice cream and watch Family Guy, masturbate and then fall asleep lol.
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I miss high school =P I'm gonna toss my vote to the "smoke less weed" idea. Maybe weed just isn't your cup of tea, some people get the intense paranoia (I'm happy I don't). Try making some friends at uni. If you smoke cigs, look for other smokers outside and chat it up with them, maybe bum a cig or ask for a light to initiate conversation. Lots of times other "stoners" such as myself are cig smokers and you can generally point them out and since you have something in common you can start a friendship base, "Hey dude thanks for the light. You smoke by chance?" other guy: "Uhhh, weed?" you: "Yeah, I got a bit of kush and I was wonderin if you wanna match a bowl real quick before class." other guy: "Fuck yea, I wanna break my new chillum in, it's got badass color changing glass and shit." <New friendship blossoms, gradually fade to black, and end scene>
 
A fear of failure or pressure to meet the expectations of others isn't a bad thing. It is better to have something motivating and driving you to succeed rather than a "I don't give a fuck" attitude of mediocrity. Of course you need to be happy in yourself, you need to get satisfaction in your own success, but it doesn't hurt having others to celebrate when things go well.

Recognising the fact that weed draws up these negative thoughts is a good step. Personally I prefer to smoke by myself or only with those who I love and trust. I don't find it enjoyable second guessing my thoughts or actions. There are times when you do have darker less confident thoughts, but these aren't always a negative thing. Plenty of other people use drugs like dmt or lsd to push or test themselves by placing them in challenging head spaces. It is not uncommon to channel these negative feelings to help you realise subconscious thoughts, and eventually using them for good not evil. The problems occur when you can't control the negative thoughts, when you slip into depression and self loathing. It seems to me you have a grasp of the healthy aspects of your mind but if you don't enjoy these effects from smoking weed, perhaps you are better giving up before all it does is create panic and anxiety.
 
LSD helped me come to terms with why all my early relationships failed and that I often fall into codependent relationships. DMT helped me quit heroin the first time around, seeing me throw all my hardwork and my life away. MDMA helped me bond with my friends and express the love for my true friends I was too afraid to show (I'm a guy, so saying "I love you bud" gets misconstrued a lot). Maybe the weed is giving you a look into your subconscious and letting you know some issues that could hinder a happy productive life.
 
Stop smoking. The position you are in suggests you need to be sober for an extended period of time (half a year or more) so you can balance yourself out a bit. Doing it at the weekends is still too frequent if you're getting bad effects. You will feel a lot more confident and focused once you sober up for a bit.
 
max_ said:
Bl, help me, how can I overcome this overwhelming fear?
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Start by growing a pair of balls. Don't ask strangers for advice on how to sustain your "drug habit" if you can't handle your shit. If things are crazy for you, consider stopping what you are doing. You are only smoking weed, you don't have a hard drug problem.

There is no magic word or thing you can do to kill paranoia or low self esteem. These are things you have to deal with, things that life throws at you, very hard at times.

So... don't look for an easy way out, adress your problem and deal with it. I swear to god you'll look back on yourself with pride, rather than shame and feel like a pussy.

I hope you work it out.

PS: %99 Academics are pretentious twats that have very narrow insight into what they're doing. Everyone can read a book. Don't be one of them.
 
Try going on a walk or something to relax your mind. Weed intensifies what ever you're feeling and if you're in your house stressed about studies, there is likely to be a bit of anxiety in your high. Find a way to control your setting and relax yourself-- it works in both high and sober life.
 
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