scared to start benzo taper

[mesmer]

I have been on klonopin for about 5 years, RXed for chronic fatigue (after I steadfastly refused to take it for panic issues for years because of horror stories), they thought it would help sleep (riiiight, benzos destroy sleep architecture) and I dunno, I was worn out from being so sick all the time, decided to try, then got stuck (and they were good for panic stuff)...

About 2 yrs ago I took myself from 1mg klonopin to .5 over the course of a few months with little problems. However about 6 mod ago all hell started breaking loose. Had a bunch of stressful shit in my life and had a breakthrough panic attack that lasted over a week. A solid week with no sleep, no food, and shake/cry in bed fear, intrusive thoughts, borderline psychosis with a ton of physical shit - burning skin, deafening tinnitus, restless legs etc. I got better, but the tinnitus stayed. Since then a few other times have had not quite as extreme experiences but still intense. Since then I also get no effect from the .5 dose (except to stave off withdrawal), quiets the tinnitus a little bit maybe but very littly sedative effect, no more light amnesia, etc

Now, I used to get panic attacks, and bad ones. Well before any benzo use. BUT they were mostly under control by the time I got around to taking the benzos, and they didn't come with the intense physical stuff and weren't quite so...hmmm...I mean panic is panic but there was something about the intensity of this fear that was different. I know "tolerance withdrawal" is a sketchy concept, but it does seem like since my breakthrough panic episode I am always feeling some withdrawal symptoms. My theory is that somehow the longterm klonopin use has undermined my GABA regulation enough that if there is extreme stress (at the time over the winter was ending a 5 year relationship, lost my job, etc) my brain just kinda breaks and goes into all the benzo withdrawal symptoms.

Now maybe I withdraw and don't experience anything. But I feel pretty confident in saying that if I had to go through even another week like the one I spent where it felt like fear was literally twisting my brain apart from the inside out and I couldn't walk, eat, sleep, or do much of anything but twitch and cry, I would off myself.

I have 10+ years of chronic depression that no A/D has been able to touch, 10+ years of chronic fatigue/fibromyalgia symptoms, about 3+ years now of pretty bad orthostatic hypotension (POTS, often co-occurs with chronic fatigue, no one knows why) I can't use any drugs anymore really. Alcohol leaves me sick for 2-3 days afterwards. Even ganja makes me panic. (I am considering anti-depressant use of ketamine or mxe as an experiment)....so really all I'm taking at the moment is this small amount of klonopin and an ineffective SSRI.

My doc actually wants me to go up on benzos to 1-2mg of klonopin a day but I just feel that that starts climbing a tolerance wall that I really don't want to climb and I really feel intuitively that whatever good the benzos may have done for panic they have now undermined a system of my brain that was honestly already kinda fucked. So i don't know what to do. Terrified to go off benzos, don't want to increase dose, but feel like for whatever reason the .5mg dose has become pretty ineffective and is starting to have paradoxical effects (constant tinnitus, extreme stress responses (many day long panic attacks), occasional hypersensitivity to light and sound that is migraine-like, etc)

I feel like, fuck, my body/mind is already fucked for some reason with the depression and the fatigue, and now I have to deal with benzo withdrawal on top of all that? It's my fault, I KNEW the benzo horror stories going in, but I figured, well, that's just the people that bother posting on the internet, won't be me, etc etc.

 

[RobotRipping]

i think you're psyching yourself out a bit with all the horror stories. Clonazepam has been known to cause paradoxical reactions in some people, more so than other benzos i think, so try diazepam maybe. Not that i advocate staying on benzos, i can guarantee they are making your depression worse. I can't see how benzos would help with fatigue either.

your benzo dose is very low, although you have been on it for 5 years, it should not be that bad to taper. There are many other things to consider when dealing with anxiety; try switching to valerian root, avoid caffeine, get proper sleep, see a therapist or counselor, learn new coping techniques, do things to challenge your anxiety and i bet you will see improvements. If you make some lifestyle changes while tapering you will see/feel an overall improvement of your anxiety.

If you taper it should not compare to the one week long panic attack you had before, as long as the circumstances are different. The thing about anxiety is that it likes to keep you anxious and fearful that you can never make it out again. If you can realize that these kinds of thoughts are driven by the anxiety (think of anxiety as a person) then you will be able to separate yourself from it a bit easier.If you go into the taper with new coping skills you will have a much different result, don't scare yourself, you can get through it and probably without too much pain. A positive outlook will go a long way.

 

[mesmer]

10+ years of therapy, workout 3x a week (as able, with the fatigue), eat a diet free of sugar, gluten, or soy -- I do pretty good on that front, but I appreciate the support. I am definitely psyching myself out with the horror stories, but there are a lot of them. I have had panic off and on for 15 years, so I think I have a handle on how bad it can be and how it is only temporary, but nothing could have prepared me for that week. There were whole days where it was just 100% FEAR and literal shaking and trembling all day and all night (Well, i don't have to explain it, some of you have lived it) If that is what benzo withdrawal looks like, seriously I'm fine to stay on this shit for the rest of my life. Only problem is, as I mentioned, I do believe that the breakthrough panic, the tinnitus, etc are all effects of some sort of disregulation of my GABA system, so I feel like I have to get off this shit.

I know all withdrawals are different, lots of ppl get off bzds with not that much trouble, I can't know until I start to taper, etc etc. have just had another bad couple weeks of panic/OCD type symptoms (I think from trying to come off an antidepressant I've also been taking for that long) which makes me both want to get off the kpin and scared to.

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

[rocketqueen]

Friend, first of all, I am very sorry to hear of you struggling so much. You have so many issues going on at once it is hard to know what to address. Indeed, many of the issues you speak of I have no frame of reference to speak intelligently about, or even just to give an opinion. What I DO know about is the feeling of utter helplessness when what the doctors/mental health professionals have offered me in way of treatment has FAILED. Where do people like us go when we have tried every treatment that psychiatry has to offer? I have suffered from major depression all my life, and have done the counseling, the therapy, family therapy, taken every psych drug and combination thereof. Nothing has touched it.

You state that "lots of people get off of benzos with not that much trouble." Is this your perception or have people that have gone through benzo w/d told you this? 'Cause I have yet to speak to a person who did not tell me that benzo w/d was the worst thing they have ever experienced in their life. They say it was horrific and unGodly...and boy how they S.U.F.F.E.R.E.D. I can't help but wonder if someone actually told you it wasn't that bad, that you caught them in a smug moment.

The tragedy of benzos is that they work really really well...at first. Ya, after chronic use they mess up the architecture of sleep but good, and rip holes in your memory. They are not meant to be taken long term, and I can't imagine a doctor prescribing them to someone year after year after year in good conscience.

 

[mesmer]

No, I even know a few people, my ex-gf among them. She was on 4-6mg of klonopin a day along with all sorts of other drugs for many years. After about 12 years she cut down to .5 mg of klonopin over about 2 months (not very long for that big a jump) and then started skipping days and currently takes it PRN. We were living together at the time, she had a night or three of extra sleeplessness which she took trazadone for and that was about it.

And of course at one point, these drugs were some of the most popular on the planet. I think something like 1 out of every 5 people in the UK had a script. That doesn't mean that many people were taking them for years, but still you have to assume that if EVERYONE went through mind bending tapers (because for those who have protracted withdrawal symptoms I agree, every single one says it is hands down the most difficult experience of their life) there would be much more of an outcry.

I have no idea what the percentages look like, nor if there is any good way to predict what withdrawal will look like. But I am certainly already suffering, and I think a good chunk of it is now the benzo. So yes, I am terrified to go off, terrified to stay on. My pdoc says she has "never" seen anyone have a difficult time with tapered klonopin. Now that's convenient for her to believe (and extremely unlikely) for a variety of reasons, but are there seeds of truth there I'm not sure.

 

[mesmer]

not trying to downplay the seriousness of these things being RXed for all sorts of dumb reasons and in inappropriate ways (even though a critique of the pharma/med industry is not what i'm going here for) and my heart aches for all the people that went through benzo w/d before the internet and thought they were going totally mad,

 

[RobotRipping]

There were whole days where it was just 100% FEAR and literal shaking and trembling all day and all night (Well, i don't have to explain it, some of you have lived it) If that is what benzo withdrawal looks like, seriously I'm fine to stay on this shit for the rest of my life.

they aren't really that bad during a taper. I've quit cold turkey from very high doses and there was a shit load of anxiety but i didn't regularly panic, i did however show many signs of schizophrenia, along with gastrointestinal issues, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep and my muscles hurt so bad it was almost unbearable. The taper however wasn't near as bad, didn't go crazy, could still eat and sleep somewhat and muscles weren't too bad. It really only hurts during dose cuts and since you are only on .5mg you won't have to do too many of those. The protracted withdrawals are probably the worst part of it but it eventually fades.

Your Dr. is definitely bullshitting you about not having seen anyone have a difficult time. It is difficult but by no means impossible. In the end it is worth the pain.

 

[mesmer]

We'll see if I ever stabilize over the next few weeks before I decide what to do. Still in low-grade panic 24/7. Seems to be the standard p-doc party line here in the US: "tapered benzos aren't that big of a deal". Hell, there are still withdrawal clinics doing high dose detoxes with phenobarb for seizures which seems like an instant ticket to cold turkey hell.

 

[Marlena]

since my mother died 3 1/2 yrs ago (and we were not on good terms at first - but made ammends over the phone before she died). Okay let me start at the beginning. We were on bad terms so I moved several states away. Right before that happened my family had been causing me a lot of problems, my husband went to the pen (chose the wrong man I know), so I was dealing with the loss of him being around too. I really had a meltdown. Left the state. Then found out mom was dying.... but before that happened a doc put me on a very high dose of Xanax. "2mg 3 x daily. A big combination for addiction - to feel numb. I came back to this town and my father put me on the street - literally! At 42yrs of age and never had to live on the street it was horrible - but I made it to get my xanax every month! (Of course). To this day 3 1/2 yrs later I am not allowed in my mothers room. I went to what I thought was a rehab center but it was a psych ward and they took me off the xanax cold turkey. I was with a great group of ppl and that made withdrawals not as bad. Here I am - middle aged, overweight from antidepressants given b4 the xanax was given to me and now I realize I have quite a tolerance to xanax - I can't seem to taper - I end up taking more because of heightened anxiety. I've gone cold turkey and never panicked but it's very miserable sounds, light changes, etc. It helps to have pain meds - helps stop my legs from jerking. I know I still will have SEVERE panic attacks. I don't have social phobia - being around ppl helps me. It's being alone too much - limited gas and money to go places I don't really have any friends, live in a small texas town, very cliquey, too. No money to go out and do things. Only job I could get is fast food and I have foot problems - standing or walking a lot causes foot pain. I'm on SSI - so not much of an income. I read something a doc wrote about xanax...... not enough gaba in the brain - very informational..... but no solution on how to fix it, given severe panics attacks. I rely on my dad a lot and he does me. Needs rides here and there in 104 degree weather! Premenopausal - so hot flashes to boot. I need to lower my tolerance to the xanax but don't see cutting them out as I still have severe panic attacks and some I think are related to my fathers verbal abuse and yelling at me. I've had bad experiences with therapy stirring up my ****........ yes, my dad did something to me when I was little that falls under molestation......... hard to be around him. In this town if you don't have a high position you can't even join the local theater as a stage hand! I know I have severe depression. And was diagnosed ptsd. Is there anyone who can relate to my problems? I also read taking vitamin C helps a lot during WDs'.