Hi everyone. I'm new here. I found you all through a search on google. I am scared out of my mind right now. I have extremely horrific anxiety and panic. I have had anxiety my whole life. My panic started when I was sexually assaulted about 5 years ago. After that my PCP put me on xanax .5mg once a day (4 years ago). She kept refilling the prescription so I never thought of stopping them. She finally told me a year later I should seek help through a psychiatrist. I did a year later. 2 years ago I started having to take more and more of the xanax to make me feel better. My psychiatrist didn't keep track of when he prescribed the xanax to me so I would use more just to feel better. All the antidepressants they tried would never touch my anxiety and panic at this point. When I was really desperate, I would get xanax from my PCP and my psychiatrist in between when I would run out. I honestly was trying to help myself in a very negative way. I carried around this tremendous amount of guilt and pain with me for 2 years. I was lying. But I felt like I couldn't be honest with my psychiatrist. I got up to 3-4mg a day of xanax. I then got put on Klonopin. Which helped because it would stay in my system longer. Until that stopped working. I started to take more than prescribed. I hated myself. I was stuck in a vicious cycle. I recently moved to a different state where they have PDM (prescription drug monitoring) system (I think it's called). Yesterday my PCP out here saw what I was doing. She told me she was going to notify the medical board and all doctors involved. I wasn't using my out of state doctors anymore. She pretty much told me I was "selling drugs" and that if I was taking that much I should be drugged out of my mind. I was not selling them. My body needed them to get by. I feel awful. I ended up in the ER last night feeling like I hit rock bottom and was in the worst mental state of my life. I felt like I was having a nervous break down. I was honest with the ER doc. He made me feel like I wasn't a bad person. I want to get off these things. He talked to me and really listened. Until last night, I never told a soul because it was so embarrassing. My husband was very supportive. I told my new psychiatrist out here exactly what happened. She told me to come in tomorrow. She seemed understanding. I just feel like a horrible person and not worthy of anyone's help. I'm scared when I see her tomorrow she will hate me and not want to see me again. I am terrified of what will happen to me when this doctor "reports" me. Has anyone been in this position? I need all the support I can get. I want to get off of these benzos so badly. They have ruined my life the last 2 years. I curse the day I first took them. If anyone has any insight, I beg of you, please write to me. I am terrified. Thank you all!
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Scared...I need help...support...
- Thread starter Katie82
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Hey Katie82 welcome to BlueLight
You have no reason to feel ashamed about this situation, it not surprising that you used these prescribed drugs to try and cope with your problems.
It;s very common for people to become dependent on these type of drugs (Benzos) and because your tolerance rises over time yuo will need more to achieve the same effect. People that have developed a tolerance could take doses that would KO a non user and still be quite 'normal' whatever doctor treated you this way should be the one that is ashamed.
The standard way to come off Benzos is to slowly reduce or taper the dose over time, this both makes things easier to cope with and avoids some of the complications you might experience of you suddenly stopped. A long acting Benzo such as Diazepam is often used for this process but I'm sure your doctor will advise.
I've personally been through this process and whilst we are all different I can assure you that it is possible and with some support and commitment on your part you can achieve this with the minimum of problems.
I would recommend having a read through The Ashton Manual it is an excellent resource on this very subject.
Best wishes and do keep in touch
You have no reason to feel ashamed about this situation, it not surprising that you used these prescribed drugs to try and cope with your problems.
It;s very common for people to become dependent on these type of drugs (Benzos) and because your tolerance rises over time yuo will need more to achieve the same effect. People that have developed a tolerance could take doses that would KO a non user and still be quite 'normal' whatever doctor treated you this way should be the one that is ashamed.
The standard way to come off Benzos is to slowly reduce or taper the dose over time, this both makes things easier to cope with and avoids some of the complications you might experience of you suddenly stopped. A long acting Benzo such as Diazepam is often used for this process but I'm sure your doctor will advise.
I've personally been through this process and whilst we are all different I can assure you that it is possible and with some support and commitment on your part you can achieve this with the minimum of problems.
I would recommend having a read through The Ashton Manual it is an excellent resource on this very subject.
Best wishes and do keep in touch
Maya
Bluelight Crew
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^couldnt have said it any better. A slow taper will be the best way to go and like what Allein mentioned, anxiety pills like benzos are very addicting, and it is easier to fall prey into it's addiction. Please speak with your doctor on how you can safely taper and let us know how it goes for you. 
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
Katie, the amazing thing is that many doctors are not even familiar with how to taper someone off benzos so in addition to reading through the Ashton Manual yourself, give a copy or a link to your psychiatrist and PCP if they haven't heard of it.
I think that doctor's accusatory assumptions and tone was beyond rude--it is unprofessional and inhumane. Maybe your psychiatrist can communicate with her that you are not drug seeking and that you actually are trying to get off the benzos. Long term use of benzos increases anxiety along with tolerance so it is a double whammy. You have nothing to feel ashamed about. Keep being honest with your doctors and find ones that treat you with respect. There is no reason to stay with a doctor that is disrespectful.
I think that doctor's accusatory assumptions and tone was beyond rude--it is unprofessional and inhumane. Maybe your psychiatrist can communicate with her that you are not drug seeking and that you actually are trying to get off the benzos. Long term use of benzos increases anxiety along with tolerance so it is a double whammy. You have nothing to feel ashamed about. Keep being honest with your doctors and find ones that treat you with respect. There is no reason to stay with a doctor that is disrespectful.
You are all so amazing! Thank you for your support and input. I feel better knowing there are positive stories out there. I feel sick to my stomach thinking I'm a bad person but knowing I'm going to see my therapist tonight will make me feel better. I've been to so many doctors that thought I could stop these benzos cold turkey with no problem. There is no way that is going to happen. They hand these meds out not knowing the road their patient is headed down. It's so reassuring that I have you all as support. If I can help anyone, please let me know. I'm a good listener I will let you know what happens. And I will look into the Ashton Manual. Thank you, thank you, thank you...to each and every one of you!
Best,
katie82
I will let you know what happens. And I will look into the Ashton Manual. Thank you, thank you, thank you...to each and every one of you!Best,
katie82