King_Darius
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Dec 4, 2012
- Messages
- 1
Hello all, hope everyone's having a good day/night.
I hope this is the right forum, sorry in advance if it isn't. I feel I've screwed with my mental health and after trying my own research decided to come to a forum dedicated to this sort of thing.
To start, I'm at the young age of 18. Starting two years ago right around this time I was introduced to drugs, opiates to be exact. This turned into cannabis, to MDMA somewhere in December 2010. As you can imagine I was extremely naive, a 16 year old boy with an older friend who had gotten into drugs earlier and felt I'd be the perfect partner for these "adventures." New Years Eve we purchased "Mr. Nice Guy" a type of spice/incense, and to this day I honestly believe we both entered into a temporary psychosis, all either of us remember from the experience is rolling around his bedroom rambling nonsense (Not a goofy, teenage high sort of way, our sentences were a jumbled mess of words that had no meaning, neither of us were really in "reality" during this) I'm not sure how this didn't turn me away from drugs, but I think it's relevant later on.
I continued to use MDMA nearly every weekend of December and January, and a few times throughout the year of 2011. I also found a love for marijuana. I turned into a daily user somewhere at the start of 2011 as I have a somewhat wealthy girlfriend (Extremely irresponsible, yet another thing I regret from this period of time), and continued to be up until two months ago, nearly two years worth of daily use. At the end of my sophomore year in high school I went into home schooling, and my marijuana use increased. I developed what I think is mild depression at this time, but is more likely just a form of apathy. With almost no social interaction outside of my girlfriend, mother, and brother, no hobbies aside from exercise and schoolwork and constant smoking up I feel this was the start of losing my "passion". "I'm going to be somebody legendary someday" turned into "Be somebody? I have trouble getting the will to cook my own food anymore."
I wouldn't trade these experiences, but I feel they contribute to what I am today and what was to come. At the end of my junior year (homeschooled), June of this year, I began to see a lot of my friends again but at this point my social skills were shot. I had experimented with shrooms a few times, LSD once, and 2-ce but at low doses and I still had the naive outlook that drugs were just a toy and nothing would ever happen to me, though I can remember saying to people I felt "hazy" or kind of out of it a lot of the time, even when not high. That summer I reconnected with the old friend, let's call him C, who helped me into the drug world. He invited me to come with him and two friends I knew from back then and I agreed, and the day went by just smoking bowls and playing games. That night is one I think I'll always remember, C pulled out acid and 2-ce and offered us all some. It was obvious these three had been doing this pretty often the past few weeks, and I was always prided on being able to "hold my shit together" with drugs. So in my complete immaturity, idiocy, and whatever else you would call it, I snorted an unknown amount of 2-ce with them and took a hit of acid. I paid no thought to the setting, these people I hadn't seen in months and already felt a bit nervous around (they're not trustworthy people, not the steal shit or anything like that kind, just drug friends, not "true" friends), or the fact I had been dealing with other mental issues the past year, anxiety, this apathy/depression, etc. Needless to say I was to the point where I could barely remember my own name, trying to hold conversations with these people who were clearly uncomfortable with me, all the while going through hell in my mind, scared for my sanity. I crashed in a spare bed early on, hoping I'd wake up fine. I didn't, and after going home, avoiding my mom, and sleeping another night, I really didn't feel too improved. Two nights after the trip, I smoked a bowl and felt the effects again, and nearly cried while I tried desperately to fall asleep. My final use of marijuana, two months ago, was out of a bong, something I hadn't used in a looong time. I felt the same effects again, but after the peak of the high and calming myself it got a little more bearable.
To this day, almost 5-6 months later, I still don't feel close to normal. Sometimes I think maybe this is "normal" and that the experience just changed my perception, but I feel it's more than that. I feel detached, living in a dream, and while I factually know I'm awake, what I'm doing, it doesn't feel that way. My research showed me a condition called depersonalization, and while very similar to what I experience again I think it's more than that. I have anxiety day in and day out, and some days I break, thinking this will never end. I've been told I look high all the time now, something I never got during my daily marijuana use when I was high all the time. I've been an avid powerlifter and cross country runner for the past two years, and that's slowly began to sputter out. I cannot find the focus, the passion to drive myself in it. I have good nutrition, and feel with all this, physically I should be on the road to recovery. But it hasn't gotten better.
I apologize for basically telling my life story here, but I'm beginning to get desperate. I read things of people taking psychedelics decades ago who feel they still have effects to day. I'm clean, away from drugs. I just want to feel normal again, feel happiness for once, jump back into reality and restart my life. I cannot live with this for the rest of my life, it feels as though I'm going mad, or lost a part of my consciousness.
Has anyone experienced anything similar? Is there hope? Thanks in advance to everyone and anyone who takes the time to read this, I regret in full the choices I made, the immaturity I showed. I realize now drugs are not toys or games, not something to be taken lightly. I'd just like help on the road to recovery.
I hope this is the right forum, sorry in advance if it isn't. I feel I've screwed with my mental health and after trying my own research decided to come to a forum dedicated to this sort of thing.
To start, I'm at the young age of 18. Starting two years ago right around this time I was introduced to drugs, opiates to be exact. This turned into cannabis, to MDMA somewhere in December 2010. As you can imagine I was extremely naive, a 16 year old boy with an older friend who had gotten into drugs earlier and felt I'd be the perfect partner for these "adventures." New Years Eve we purchased "Mr. Nice Guy" a type of spice/incense, and to this day I honestly believe we both entered into a temporary psychosis, all either of us remember from the experience is rolling around his bedroom rambling nonsense (Not a goofy, teenage high sort of way, our sentences were a jumbled mess of words that had no meaning, neither of us were really in "reality" during this) I'm not sure how this didn't turn me away from drugs, but I think it's relevant later on.
I continued to use MDMA nearly every weekend of December and January, and a few times throughout the year of 2011. I also found a love for marijuana. I turned into a daily user somewhere at the start of 2011 as I have a somewhat wealthy girlfriend (Extremely irresponsible, yet another thing I regret from this period of time), and continued to be up until two months ago, nearly two years worth of daily use. At the end of my sophomore year in high school I went into home schooling, and my marijuana use increased. I developed what I think is mild depression at this time, but is more likely just a form of apathy. With almost no social interaction outside of my girlfriend, mother, and brother, no hobbies aside from exercise and schoolwork and constant smoking up I feel this was the start of losing my "passion". "I'm going to be somebody legendary someday" turned into "Be somebody? I have trouble getting the will to cook my own food anymore."
I wouldn't trade these experiences, but I feel they contribute to what I am today and what was to come. At the end of my junior year (homeschooled), June of this year, I began to see a lot of my friends again but at this point my social skills were shot. I had experimented with shrooms a few times, LSD once, and 2-ce but at low doses and I still had the naive outlook that drugs were just a toy and nothing would ever happen to me, though I can remember saying to people I felt "hazy" or kind of out of it a lot of the time, even when not high. That summer I reconnected with the old friend, let's call him C, who helped me into the drug world. He invited me to come with him and two friends I knew from back then and I agreed, and the day went by just smoking bowls and playing games. That night is one I think I'll always remember, C pulled out acid and 2-ce and offered us all some. It was obvious these three had been doing this pretty often the past few weeks, and I was always prided on being able to "hold my shit together" with drugs. So in my complete immaturity, idiocy, and whatever else you would call it, I snorted an unknown amount of 2-ce with them and took a hit of acid. I paid no thought to the setting, these people I hadn't seen in months and already felt a bit nervous around (they're not trustworthy people, not the steal shit or anything like that kind, just drug friends, not "true" friends), or the fact I had been dealing with other mental issues the past year, anxiety, this apathy/depression, etc. Needless to say I was to the point where I could barely remember my own name, trying to hold conversations with these people who were clearly uncomfortable with me, all the while going through hell in my mind, scared for my sanity. I crashed in a spare bed early on, hoping I'd wake up fine. I didn't, and after going home, avoiding my mom, and sleeping another night, I really didn't feel too improved. Two nights after the trip, I smoked a bowl and felt the effects again, and nearly cried while I tried desperately to fall asleep. My final use of marijuana, two months ago, was out of a bong, something I hadn't used in a looong time. I felt the same effects again, but after the peak of the high and calming myself it got a little more bearable.
To this day, almost 5-6 months later, I still don't feel close to normal. Sometimes I think maybe this is "normal" and that the experience just changed my perception, but I feel it's more than that. I feel detached, living in a dream, and while I factually know I'm awake, what I'm doing, it doesn't feel that way. My research showed me a condition called depersonalization, and while very similar to what I experience again I think it's more than that. I have anxiety day in and day out, and some days I break, thinking this will never end. I've been told I look high all the time now, something I never got during my daily marijuana use when I was high all the time. I've been an avid powerlifter and cross country runner for the past two years, and that's slowly began to sputter out. I cannot find the focus, the passion to drive myself in it. I have good nutrition, and feel with all this, physically I should be on the road to recovery. But it hasn't gotten better.
I apologize for basically telling my life story here, but I'm beginning to get desperate. I read things of people taking psychedelics decades ago who feel they still have effects to day. I'm clean, away from drugs. I just want to feel normal again, feel happiness for once, jump back into reality and restart my life. I cannot live with this for the rest of my life, it feels as though I'm going mad, or lost a part of my consciousness.
Has anyone experienced anything similar? Is there hope? Thanks in advance to everyone and anyone who takes the time to read this, I regret in full the choices I made, the immaturity I showed. I realize now drugs are not toys or games, not something to be taken lightly. I'd just like help on the road to recovery.
