Scapegoating

[infectedmushroom]

Hello,

I have been doing research on scapegoating, and it is clear as day to me that I am the family scapegoat. I have brought it up before with my family and explained how they weren't consciously giving me undue shit, but they were unconsciously treating me like a waste-bin for their negative emotions. I urged them to research what scapegoating meant for themselves and not take my word for it. If I remember the response correctly, because it was a while ago, it was something like a scoff and a roll of the eyes, "oh, of course he wants to blame his problems on us, as if we could be doing that."

So it seems clear they are not interested in learning what scapegoating is and are quite content for me to stay in my role. I, of course, am not, and am now and have been at many times in my life at a breaking point, unable to cope with the conflicting messages I get from them (telling me they want whats best for me and want me to be engaged right after or before going off at me for some tiny thing.)

How do I stop being the family scapegoat? At this point I think the only course of action I have is to move out and keep minimal contact, but it's a little difficult because I'm studying full time. I might have to man up and just do it, because i'm not healthy emotionally or physically and i'm not getting any better, i'm getting worse. What makes it so hard, as I've said, are the conflicting messages. I'm told they care about me, but not treated in a way which reflects that.

Thanks for your time.

 

[Allein]

Hi infectedmushroom,

I don't know anything about you or your family so I can only speak about things as they relate to my experience, I guess that would be all you would expect.

You don't say how old you are but I would recommend living independently of your family, whilst you live under their roof to a large extent you remain a child, at least in their eyes.

TBH your view point sounds very much like you are blaming them for your own unhappiness ? maybe there are specific issues you feel upset about ? Either way your life is in your hands, don't look to others for approval, do what you want to do and deal with the outcome yourself.

I can't possibly judge is your family might have greater respect for you for being more independent, but at least you will have taken responsibility for your own decisions and life, if they don't like it both they and you will just have to find a way to deal with it.

I don't mean to sound harsh, I speak from my own anguish about such things, but I've concluded that my feelings of lack of approval and being the black sheep became very damaging and just diverted me from building my own life.

 

[edgewise1]

I think you said it, move out and have minimal contact. It might be difficult and you will have to get a job, but if it is worth it to your well-being then it is worth doing. Besides job's get easier as you go along and get accustomed to living this way.