iLoveYouWithaKnife
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Mar 30, 2002
- Messages
- 8,351
Almost three years ago,
I sat in 'our' bedroom, alone.
Contemplating exactly,
what I was going to do that night.
All of our friends were at his sister's house.
Celebrating the marriage of his brother.
I was invited.
I was suppose to bring the little
umbrellas for the drinks,
and the hawaiian lai's.
You decided you were going to bring her.
So I decided to stay home.
Noone really expected me to show my face anyway.
I couldn't really believe it.
For three years, we did everything together.
Then it seemed like,
One day, We were finished.
He was disappearing
leaving me and our roommate wondering his whereabouts.
Later, I find out he was going to Philly, and taking her with him.
Our friends all knew about it, but never said anything to me.
They thought I knew about it,
and didn't want to bring up a touchy subject by discussing it.
But really,
I had NO idea.
But when I found out, and found out
that she would be attending
the wedding celebration,
I figured it was no place for me to be.
So I sat home that night, alone.
I sat there and cried
until I finally had the courage to get up,
and get out boxes and bags
and pack all of his shit.
I placed it all outside in the hallway.
Two days later,
without question
he was gone.
It was hard.
For the both of us.
We spent a little bit of time together
after that.
He had a new girlfriend now,
whom I resented.
And at the time,
probably selffishly for
being the girl
who made my boy happy.
For being the girl, I couldn't be.
I moved to Philadelphia a few months later
and started my massive drug binges again.
It had nothing to do with him.
Just with my lifestyle.
I thought about him
every now and again.
But I let it all go.
Really, I did.
The hardest part of it all,
was learning how to relive for ME.
Learning how to live without being under his wing.
And then,
I found strength in it all,
in me.
I found myself again.
So anyway, he ended up kidnapping my cat.
Yes, I know, it sounds rediculous.
I loved this cat more than anything.
I had him for years.
He refused to return him to me.
The hardest thing now was,
letting my kitty go.
I came to the conclusion that
all my Ex had a hold on was my cat,
and he could use it against me...
So I let the kitty go too.
To rid all of the unnecessary things from my life.
All that drama isn't worth the pain.
And I eventually got over it.
I got an IM the other day,
him saying he just re-enlisted in the ARMY.
Three years, shipping out to Germany.
I asked him what she thought about this,
how she felt.....
He said they were getting married
in the next month.
I told him I was really happy for him.
He didn't believe me.
He still thinks he has this hold on me,
for some reason.
We began to talk about all these things,
him telling me
how he sees it his fault,
that I got rapped up in drugs yet again.
What a fucking ego!, i thought.
I proceed to tell him I cut my fucking ties
when I packed his shit,
I left it all behind.
I was glad for him, for whatever.
As long as he wasn't in my life.
And even though we talked over the computer,
I could sense a sense of something....
frustration, sadness maybe...
on his part......
Maybe because I said I was happy for him
(what ex wants that)
or maybe because I made him feel
like an asshole
but saying I didn't want him
or didn't care for him like that anymore....
and left it all behind,
years ago.
I really don't know.
And really, I don't care.
In about one month,
he'll be going to Germany for three years.
Sometimes I think he is such a good person.
Really, he is.
But I put the past behind me now,
I don't want him in my life.
I don't want to think of him
negatively, or postively.
I just don't want to think about him.
Except every now and again.
When I need some remembering.
He never said goodbye
three years ago
so I refuse to say goodbye to him now.
But, I just needed some way
to let it all out.
Being the end....
all again
without knowing it.
I sat in 'our' bedroom, alone.
Contemplating exactly,
what I was going to do that night.
All of our friends were at his sister's house.
Celebrating the marriage of his brother.
I was invited.
I was suppose to bring the little
umbrellas for the drinks,
and the hawaiian lai's.
You decided you were going to bring her.
So I decided to stay home.
Noone really expected me to show my face anyway.
I couldn't really believe it.
For three years, we did everything together.
Then it seemed like,
One day, We were finished.
He was disappearing
leaving me and our roommate wondering his whereabouts.
Later, I find out he was going to Philly, and taking her with him.
Our friends all knew about it, but never said anything to me.
They thought I knew about it,
and didn't want to bring up a touchy subject by discussing it.
But really,
I had NO idea.
But when I found out, and found out
that she would be attending
the wedding celebration,
I figured it was no place for me to be.
So I sat home that night, alone.
I sat there and cried
until I finally had the courage to get up,
and get out boxes and bags
and pack all of his shit.
I placed it all outside in the hallway.
Two days later,
without question
he was gone.
It was hard.
For the both of us.
We spent a little bit of time together
after that.
He had a new girlfriend now,
whom I resented.
And at the time,
probably selffishly for
being the girl
who made my boy happy.
For being the girl, I couldn't be.
I moved to Philadelphia a few months later
and started my massive drug binges again.
It had nothing to do with him.
Just with my lifestyle.
I thought about him
every now and again.
But I let it all go.
Really, I did.
The hardest part of it all,
was learning how to relive for ME.
Learning how to live without being under his wing.
And then,
I found strength in it all,
in me.
I found myself again.
So anyway, he ended up kidnapping my cat.
Yes, I know, it sounds rediculous.
I loved this cat more than anything.
I had him for years.
He refused to return him to me.
The hardest thing now was,
letting my kitty go.
I came to the conclusion that
all my Ex had a hold on was my cat,
and he could use it against me...
So I let the kitty go too.
To rid all of the unnecessary things from my life.
All that drama isn't worth the pain.
And I eventually got over it.
I got an IM the other day,
him saying he just re-enlisted in the ARMY.
Three years, shipping out to Germany.
I asked him what she thought about this,
how she felt.....
He said they were getting married
in the next month.
I told him I was really happy for him.
He didn't believe me.
He still thinks he has this hold on me,
for some reason.
We began to talk about all these things,
him telling me
how he sees it his fault,
that I got rapped up in drugs yet again.
What a fucking ego!, i thought.
I proceed to tell him I cut my fucking ties
when I packed his shit,
I left it all behind.
I was glad for him, for whatever.
As long as he wasn't in my life.
And even though we talked over the computer,
I could sense a sense of something....
frustration, sadness maybe...
on his part......
Maybe because I said I was happy for him
(what ex wants that)
or maybe because I made him feel
like an asshole
but saying I didn't want him
or didn't care for him like that anymore....
and left it all behind,
years ago.
I really don't know.
And really, I don't care.
In about one month,
he'll be going to Germany for three years.
Sometimes I think he is such a good person.
Really, he is.
But I put the past behind me now,
I don't want him in my life.
I don't want to think of him
negatively, or postively.
I just don't want to think about him.
Except every now and again.
When I need some remembering.
He never said goodbye
three years ago
so I refuse to say goodbye to him now.
But, I just needed some way
to let it all out.
Being the end....
all again
without knowing it.
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