That shit makes me sick. I dont wanna limit myself like that. So I dont focus on that shit. I dont believe in the NA progam, and while bein around ppl and havin someone to talk to can help, I feel like the majority of the shit they preach is straight up garbage and its poisonous to some peoples minds, and i feel like some of it really serves to keep people using and relapsing. Ill get into that some other time, but for now Im just sayin, it really helps to NOT think of yourself as like this kind of "other" person, a "addict" , drug user, junkie, etc. You are you.....who was that person that u had inside u before u became hooked on that shit? She still in there. You aint gotta be a drug addict forever, you can be you . you can get clean and move on with your life, it aint always gotta be about drugs. I really believe that the whole NA theory can really make it harder for people to get clean, becuz when you on drugs your whole life is about drugs, but when you off drugs in NA, your whole life is still about drugs, its just about NOT doing drugs.
THe point is to have a normal full life again, not spend 3 nights a week talkin about drugs, and how you are powerless, and cant control if u use or not, and are a weak little hopeless person who has no say in her life. That shit is bull. U got the power, u got the strenth, and u can USE it to make ur life better .Thats how I did it, and I am a whole lot happier than all these mutha fuckas I see in NA , still tellin the same damn story of their rock bottom that they been tellin for 16 years , still callin themself a addict, still actin like they just got clean yesterday, still preachin about all that self-defeatin bullshit that they do. Fuck that, u aint powerless yo, you got the power to control your destiny, so take that shit yo.
and the thing is, I bene doin mad good on probation....I actually go once every 2 weeks now. So if i wanted to, I could use a good amount of time outta that 2 weeks. I could get high if i wanted to. It aint that the probation is keeping me clean. that was just the motivation for STARTING me on the path of gettin clean, but now that I been doin the right thing for this long , I could be shootin dope every 2 weeks after I see my PO, but i dont evne really want to. I can think about dope and feel neutral, instead of obsessed. And if i did use, I dont feel bad. For my birthday in febuary I stopped the meth for a few days and got some oxy's, I wanted to try and have some fun. I got like 220mg and ended up not feelin much anyways. But then the next day I just went back on my methadone and that was that. I didnt feel bad , I didnt "relapse", i just chose it and nothin came of it. I didnt go back to the beginning and start counting from day 1 of clean time again. I just kept goin on just as I had been, cuz nothing had changed. I was still a happy person who could feel happy without drugs, who wasnt obsessed with dope, who didnt need dope, who was off that shit and cool with it for the most part. So why act like i did some kind of bad thing, liek I made a mistake? it wasnt no mistake.
And thats how i believe in this shit. Its your conscious choices. You DO have the control. You maybe aint got it when you are at your worst, for a long time I felt like i had no say in my own life, i felt like someone else was controlling me and makin me do all these horrible things. i felt powerless, and I felt like i would just keep using til i died cuz there was no other choice for me. But then, when i realized my situation, when that "act of god" u was referring to before happened, it was like shit had to change, and it totally changed my mind set.
Everybody got their weak side and their strong side . most of us, our weak side is callin the shots all thru out our addiction and we feel like we cant do nothing about it, thats why NA seems so appealing to so many people, cuz "you are powereless, it aint your fault" etc. and we honestly feel liek we cant do nothin about our situation, and we are right. You cant "Just stop." it AINT about willpower, cuz if you COULD just stop like that you would. its somethin more.
but once you get that revelation, that moment where you realize that you really , truly want to get clean, and you want it more than anything else and are willing to devote yourself to that goal, then its liek all of a sudden, your reserve tank of fuel kicked in, you got strenth again, this power taht u didnt even know u had is right there for u to draw from, and u get stronger and stronger every day, until that person who felt so helpless and broken, is just a stranger to you somebody you dont even recognize no more. And its a feeling u cant force, u cant force the "revelation" moment, you cant get there til u are ready. When u are, you will be. Its that simple. the moment will come , and if that moment is now you will know becuz as you go on you will start to feel so happy, accomplished, and that will make u want to keep going, u will be buildin gup momentum and its like u can start makin more progress everyday.
I guess this wasnt all that helpful after all. I kinda thought that sharin my story with u might help u out and see some other options that u usually dont see. I mean I didnt go to detox, didnt go to rehab, I dont go to NA, i didnt go to no programs, no IOP, no nothing but the methadone and some real time alone to just think to myself about things....I just took ahold of my future and did it. In the past i hadnt been able to, it was like i was frozen, stuck, but once I broke through, it was like i wasa whole new person, i was able to do all the shit that had seemed so hard before, and it was way easier than I thought.
THe point is to have a normal full life again, not spend 3 nights a week talkin about drugs, and how you are powerless, and cant control if u use or not, and are a weak little hopeless person who has no say in her life. That shit is bull. U got the power, u got the strenth, and u can USE it to make ur life better .Thats how I did it, and I am a whole lot happier than all these mutha fuckas I see in NA , still tellin the same damn story of their rock bottom that they been tellin for 16 years , still callin themself a addict, still actin like they just got clean yesterday, still preachin about all that self-defeatin bullshit that they do. Fuck that, u aint powerless yo, you got the power to control your destiny, so take that shit yo.
and the thing is, I bene doin mad good on probation....I actually go once every 2 weeks now. So if i wanted to, I could use a good amount of time outta that 2 weeks. I could get high if i wanted to. It aint that the probation is keeping me clean. that was just the motivation for STARTING me on the path of gettin clean, but now that I been doin the right thing for this long , I could be shootin dope every 2 weeks after I see my PO, but i dont evne really want to. I can think about dope and feel neutral, instead of obsessed. And if i did use, I dont feel bad. For my birthday in febuary I stopped the meth for a few days and got some oxy's, I wanted to try and have some fun. I got like 220mg and ended up not feelin much anyways. But then the next day I just went back on my methadone and that was that. I didnt feel bad , I didnt "relapse", i just chose it and nothin came of it. I didnt go back to the beginning and start counting from day 1 of clean time again. I just kept goin on just as I had been, cuz nothing had changed. I was still a happy person who could feel happy without drugs, who wasnt obsessed with dope, who didnt need dope, who was off that shit and cool with it for the most part. So why act like i did some kind of bad thing, liek I made a mistake? it wasnt no mistake.
And thats how i believe in this shit. Its your conscious choices. You DO have the control. You maybe aint got it when you are at your worst, for a long time I felt like i had no say in my own life, i felt like someone else was controlling me and makin me do all these horrible things. i felt powerless, and I felt like i would just keep using til i died cuz there was no other choice for me. But then, when i realized my situation, when that "act of god" u was referring to before happened, it was like shit had to change, and it totally changed my mind set.
Everybody got their weak side and their strong side . most of us, our weak side is callin the shots all thru out our addiction and we feel like we cant do nothing about it, thats why NA seems so appealing to so many people, cuz "you are powereless, it aint your fault" etc. and we honestly feel liek we cant do nothin about our situation, and we are right. You cant "Just stop." it AINT about willpower, cuz if you COULD just stop like that you would. its somethin more.
but once you get that revelation, that moment where you realize that you really , truly want to get clean, and you want it more than anything else and are willing to devote yourself to that goal, then its liek all of a sudden, your reserve tank of fuel kicked in, you got strenth again, this power taht u didnt even know u had is right there for u to draw from, and u get stronger and stronger every day, until that person who felt so helpless and broken, is just a stranger to you somebody you dont even recognize no more. And its a feeling u cant force, u cant force the "revelation" moment, you cant get there til u are ready. When u are, you will be. Its that simple. the moment will come , and if that moment is now you will know becuz as you go on you will start to feel so happy, accomplished, and that will make u want to keep going, u will be buildin gup momentum and its like u can start makin more progress everyday.
I guess this wasnt all that helpful after all. I kinda thought that sharin my story with u might help u out and see some other options that u usually dont see. I mean I didnt go to detox, didnt go to rehab, I dont go to NA, i didnt go to no programs, no IOP, no nothing but the methadone and some real time alone to just think to myself about things....I just took ahold of my future and did it. In the past i hadnt been able to, it was like i was frozen, stuck, but once I broke through, it was like i wasa whole new person, i was able to do all the shit that had seemed so hard before, and it was way easier than I thought.