I couldnt imagine ever STAYING off dope and actually not using it, at all. How would i ever get thru my years-long probation sentence? How would i manage to stay clean if somethin really bad happened and i couldnt deal with it? wat would happen if on one of the days that I was using in between visits to my P.O, that I got pulled over after coppin my dope and got arrested again and got locked up and violated and.........It was always just a crazy tornado of scared, anxious, questions in my head, like nothin was ever ok, i could never just feel peaceful and calm like the way i did on dope. I ended up on klonopin for all that shit and I still would bug out sometimes. I would have nightmares of all this shit happenin like I was gettin arrested again for somethin I didnt do, etc, where I woudl wake up in the morning, sweating and sometimes screamin, and my heart was racing and i was breathin so fast I couldnt catch my breath and i would be in a straight up panic attack as soon as i opened my eyes.
but its like the methadone does the opposite. It quiets down all that shit in my head. I feel so chill and laid back, its like all that shit is totally manageable cuz I know that its just ridiculous. I feel like my normal self, liek the person who I was before I got on dope way back .
And to be totally real with u, I dont evne catch those cravings like that these days. Those hardcore obesssions...They are gone. And THAT was always my down fall. Even when I was clean, I would still privately be fantasizing about getin high again. It was like this whole elaborate world i had made up in my head with these fantasies of using, and i would get so into it that i could literally feel the ache inside my chest, the need to use.....It was like i could never move forward gettin clean cuz inside i still wanted to use so bad. when i would have a craving to use it was liek it took over my whole entire body like my whole self was screamin out for dope. the want for it, na the NEED was so strong it woul dhave me goin crazy in the head, doin reckless things, running into my lil' sister room and rippin apart her stuff lookin for the stash of money from her Sweet 16 party. (I still hate myself for that. I did pay her back once I got clean tho, and she never knew it had been gone.) It was like the shit just took over. And even later on, when i got more in control of the cravings, it would be more like a dull ache inside my chest...the same way that u would kind of wish , and long for somebody you loved who died, somebody u cant have but still miss. I would have this deep, sad lonely feeling, just thinkin about me and my dope and wishin we could be together again.
But yo, over time, its like....Word is bond, honest to god, the obsession died. It was like a light switch that got turned on or off. The shit just disappeared. All that shit about "triggers" and shit like that--I was able to do shit like make up a shot for my boy and then shoot him up cuz he couldnt hit, without using, without even WANTING to use. I felt totally indifferent to it. So fuck talkin about driving past a certain house where u got high at could "make" u use.
Once you got it in your mind, once you REALLY got it set in there solid, its like u got a mission.
You have to want to be CLEAN, more than u want to USE.
And, you know how you hope and dream about things you want? How maybe if u want to be...IDK...a singer or somethin....you will think about it, dream about it...You will practice singin, do your voice lessons....Try out at any auditions you can....you will devote hours of ur time and effort to it, to try and do your best, you willing to put in the work cuz you really WANT it....
You have to feel like THAT, about gettin clean. You cant do it cuz you "should" or somebody wants u to, or cuz its the "right thing to do" or becuz all these reasons that dont really come from inside. When ur heart aint in it, you aint gonna have the determination to follow thru with it, and u will back down when shit get rough. You gotta have that burning desire in u, to give u the strenth to keep pushin, cuz shit aint gonna be no picnic....But , the good thing is....once you DO feel that way, and you get some momentum goin....It actually gets easier and easier.
At least to me, IDK how everyboyd else is, but once I got to a month clean and got past that, it stopped really even bein much of a effort....I just got into auto pilot, into a 'non drug user' mode that was just how i am. It stopped bein a struggle, a choice of whether to use or not. It wasnt even question. shit didnt cross my mind. I just am a non drug user, so why would i have to decide if i will use drugs or not. I had my mind made up, and thats all there was to it. Once i started thinking that way, and since i had the very real threat of gettin sent down state if i didnt do it how i was supposed to, it got pretty easy to get goin.
I know its hard to stay clean, its hard to kick, its hard to learn how to live a totally new and different life. its all just mad confusing and u dont know where to start and how to do shit and all that. I aint tryna say its just some kinda thing thats as easy as playin computer solitaire. But my point is that once I made up my mind and really devoted myself to it, shit was much easier than I thought it would be. I dont really feel like i am "struggling" to stay clean. I just am. I stopped countin after 7 months, cuz it aint really about that no more. I dont go to NA. I dont focus on my addiction, on bein a addict, on all that shit. I think about regular, normal shit that u deal with in everyday life. I dont WANT to be sayin "I am a addict" 20 years after I stopped using, like some of these old fucks in the NA meetings.
but its like the methadone does the opposite. It quiets down all that shit in my head. I feel so chill and laid back, its like all that shit is totally manageable cuz I know that its just ridiculous. I feel like my normal self, liek the person who I was before I got on dope way back .
And to be totally real with u, I dont evne catch those cravings like that these days. Those hardcore obesssions...They are gone. And THAT was always my down fall. Even when I was clean, I would still privately be fantasizing about getin high again. It was like this whole elaborate world i had made up in my head with these fantasies of using, and i would get so into it that i could literally feel the ache inside my chest, the need to use.....It was like i could never move forward gettin clean cuz inside i still wanted to use so bad. when i would have a craving to use it was liek it took over my whole entire body like my whole self was screamin out for dope. the want for it, na the NEED was so strong it woul dhave me goin crazy in the head, doin reckless things, running into my lil' sister room and rippin apart her stuff lookin for the stash of money from her Sweet 16 party. (I still hate myself for that. I did pay her back once I got clean tho, and she never knew it had been gone.) It was like the shit just took over. And even later on, when i got more in control of the cravings, it would be more like a dull ache inside my chest...the same way that u would kind of wish , and long for somebody you loved who died, somebody u cant have but still miss. I would have this deep, sad lonely feeling, just thinkin about me and my dope and wishin we could be together again.
But yo, over time, its like....Word is bond, honest to god, the obsession died. It was like a light switch that got turned on or off. The shit just disappeared. All that shit about "triggers" and shit like that--I was able to do shit like make up a shot for my boy and then shoot him up cuz he couldnt hit, without using, without even WANTING to use. I felt totally indifferent to it. So fuck talkin about driving past a certain house where u got high at could "make" u use.
Once you got it in your mind, once you REALLY got it set in there solid, its like u got a mission.
You have to want to be CLEAN, more than u want to USE.
And, you know how you hope and dream about things you want? How maybe if u want to be...IDK...a singer or somethin....you will think about it, dream about it...You will practice singin, do your voice lessons....Try out at any auditions you can....you will devote hours of ur time and effort to it, to try and do your best, you willing to put in the work cuz you really WANT it....
You have to feel like THAT, about gettin clean. You cant do it cuz you "should" or somebody wants u to, or cuz its the "right thing to do" or becuz all these reasons that dont really come from inside. When ur heart aint in it, you aint gonna have the determination to follow thru with it, and u will back down when shit get rough. You gotta have that burning desire in u, to give u the strenth to keep pushin, cuz shit aint gonna be no picnic....But , the good thing is....once you DO feel that way, and you get some momentum goin....It actually gets easier and easier.
At least to me, IDK how everyboyd else is, but once I got to a month clean and got past that, it stopped really even bein much of a effort....I just got into auto pilot, into a 'non drug user' mode that was just how i am. It stopped bein a struggle, a choice of whether to use or not. It wasnt even question. shit didnt cross my mind. I just am a non drug user, so why would i have to decide if i will use drugs or not. I had my mind made up, and thats all there was to it. Once i started thinking that way, and since i had the very real threat of gettin sent down state if i didnt do it how i was supposed to, it got pretty easy to get goin.
I know its hard to stay clean, its hard to kick, its hard to learn how to live a totally new and different life. its all just mad confusing and u dont know where to start and how to do shit and all that. I aint tryna say its just some kinda thing thats as easy as playin computer solitaire. But my point is that once I made up my mind and really devoted myself to it, shit was much easier than I thought it would be. I dont really feel like i am "struggling" to stay clean. I just am. I stopped countin after 7 months, cuz it aint really about that no more. I dont go to NA. I dont focus on my addiction, on bein a addict, on all that shit. I think about regular, normal shit that u deal with in everyday life. I dont WANT to be sayin "I am a addict" 20 years after I stopped using, like some of these old fucks in the NA meetings.