Wish I knew the answer suburbangirl. Unbreakable is onto the right point, tho. It is about addressing the issue(s) in your life that are causing you to use. I have been on dope for years now. I do it to escape from the pain. Wish I never started because is is really just a vicious and ugly cycle.
For me the physical withdraw isn't the worst part. I mean, it sucks, but the empty feeling is what gets me to go back every time. Unless I am on dope, I am completely empty. I cant get past that empty feeling. And everyone else is right about being 100% committed to getting off of it. Thing is, I know what i need to do. I know what the source of my pain is, and I could probably go to a suboxone dr, get the script of subs, and then couple that with a psychiatrist, and I would probably be a lot closer to beating that "emptiness" that comes with being off dope.
Best of luck to you sister, Anyone who successfully gets off dope becomes a better person. I hope one day I can get there, but im not 100% committed yet, and like everyone is saying, that commitment is key~
heyyy wat up brother....I hear u 100%....The emptiness is the biggest obstacle u will have in tryin to get off dope...
The feeling inside u, that it is never enough. Its a empty, hollow feeling, its like there is this hole...this unidentified, un locate-able hole inside your chest somewhere, and u can feel it there, physically its like a dark vibration in the pit of your stomach, and its always right there.
You cant touch it, you cant describe it, you cant figure out exactly wat it is. You aint sure how it got there, and you dont know why it stays, and you really dont know....You just dont fuckin know .
That feeling, that emptiness down there.....THAT is why you use. That is why you feel the endless need, na, a compulsion, to destroy urself....Like u just cant ride down the track in a straight line for long, after a good successful run of bein "normal" its like you need it, you CRAVE it, to sabotage yourself and fail and fall down....
its the impulse in the back of ur mind when u drive down the highway past the cities u used to cop in...The voice that gets louder and louder as u see the signs that says "Route 80 Paterson - Route 280 Newark Keep Right"....the pulses in your muscles that makes ur hands turn the wheel towards the exit and all of a sudden u dont even know how and u are 20 seconds away from the block where ur dealer is at. And while you doin it all the alarms goin off in your head and you want to just cut and run, bail the fuck out knowing its wrong....
But that hole tho.....Its gettin filled up, with this delicious feeling....this dark, luxurious velvety touch, devilish smile, for just one second instead of feeling helpless and hollow, you feelin pretty satisfied....got a smug secret, cant wait to get home and boot that shit into your veins....It fills up for a minute with this kind of secret anticipation, excitement, you feel like you and your mistress is on your way up to your hotel room and you just cant wait to rip off her clothes....The bags that u pour out into the bottle cap, your set as u draw up the water got the blood rushin thru you like a waterfall, you feel like u almost....I dont even know....Its like the non sexual version of bein sexually turned on...Ur whole existence is vibrating with this anticipation that ur abot to give in and do it again and you just about to melt into a puddle of extatic satisfaction....
I could never find it my self yo. I know that emptiness, that big loud echoing space inside under my ribs somewhere. And I dont know wat it is. I dont know why I feel it. I cant put my finger on it. Its just always been there, all my life, and the older I got the bigger it felt.
I wish I knew the reason yo, I wish I knew the reason that I would put needles in my veins day after day. Its like a mystery to me, some kind of foreign secret , locked tight, shut and nailed and steel bars lockin it in, like some shit I just cant unfold .I try to look deeper into it and i just stop, its a wall, I cant get no farther. Im blocked from my self, I cant find the source of this.
Wish I knew the answer suburbangirl. Unbreakable is onto the right point, tho. It is about addressing the issue(s) in your life that are causing you to use. I have been on dope for years now. I do it to escape from the pain. Wish I never started because is is really just a vicious and ugly cycle.
For me the physical withdraw isn't the worst part. I mean, it sucks, but the empty feeling is what gets me to go back every time. Unless I am on dope, I am completely empty. I cant get past that empty feeling. And everyone else is right about being 100% committed to getting off of it. Thing is, I know what i need to do. I know what the source of my pain is, and I could probably go to a suboxone dr, get the script of subs, and then couple that with a psychiatrist, and I would probably be a lot closer to beating that "emptiness" that comes with being off dope.
Best of luck to you sister, Anyone who successfully gets off dope becomes a better person. I hope one day I can get there, but im not 100% committed yet, and like everyone is saying, that commitment is key~
heyyy wat up brother....I hear u 100%....The emptiness is the biggest obstacle u will have in tryin to get off dope...
The feeling inside u, that it is never enough. Its a empty, hollow feeling, its like there is this hole...this unidentified, un locate-able hole inside your chest somewhere, and u can feel it there, physically its like a dark vibration in the pit of your stomach, and its always right there.
Its like how u can be surrounded by people, your family, somebody u love, or even a crowd of strangers, but no matter where u go, u feel so terribly alone....Except when u drive or walk down that block and once you got that dope in your hand its like your all sunshine and fuckin smiles.
That crushing emptiness and lonelyness always made me be unable to get clean. I tried suboxone so many times and i never got farther than a few days. I just could never take it. as soon as i could get high again I would. I rather just not think back then, u know?
The physical pain , sometimes it almost feels like a cross to bear, like ur punishment...and it dont feel good, never does, but in your head its like you can almost enjoy the IDEA of it (not the ACTUAL feelings, lol of course not) becuz like most junkies, the masochistic side of u is enjoyin the irony of how u hurt all those around u with ur use....and u hurtin urself....and now u got to deal with all this pain as ur punishment that u deserve. So even tho u are miserable and u cant stand it, at least that feels almost FAIR.....
But that emotional side, the depression, suicide feelings, the emptiness, that shits the worst yo.
And thats why I aint gonna recomment kickin 100%.
Suburbangirl, If you dont mind listening....If you want to hear how I did it, I will tell you. It would be a long story, but I hope you could get somethin out of it, and wouldnt just skip over cuz its long.
I think that most folks on BL who have talked to me over the years know that I am a drug addict and that for most of the time that I ever been on here, I been hooked on dope and opiates. Whether it was 'takin a break' from dope and gettin hooked on oxys instead, or goin back to dope but "I wont shoot it t his time, ill only sniff!" to, Ah, fuck it and another 2 years of pokin myself with needles a million times a day, i got a reputation as a junkie with alot of folks on here.
And I was never much of a weekend user, I was always balls to the wall about shit, so when I was really usin and into it, my usual daily habit was 25-30 bags a day. IDK how that translates to yall measurements out in Detroit, but if u go with the standard "10 bags=about 1 gram" thing then I guess it would be a 2.5-3g a day habit of that nice clean NJ powder.