fruity
Bluelighter
Santa, King of tinsel and his horney beast RUDE
Ambled into the local nightclub.... getyarocksoff!
Looking for some action...
His career was short but so was the time to ponder his decision to become a fully-fledged lap dancer extraordinaire!
Rude his companion and trusty side lick...worried that his career change might cause mayhem within the elf nation and cause upheaval with Mrs clause (real name Boris)
Santa sat down at the club and started to eye up some potential clients...
His angle was simple! Eye them up, show them a bit of the famous Santa leg and show them the time of there life! Before he got started he decided to have a spa.
As the club had a private pool, Santa took Rude for a quick slippery dip, the bubbles reminding him of Lapland his home and the reason why he decided to become a lap dancer in the first place...
"People may think its strange rude, why I want to finally break free from the bondage of Xmas presents and the eternal struggle to get the elf’s off the P...
“ My philosophy Rude was if ya cant beat them have a joint with them as you know...but now I am under obligation from those torturous elves to support there habit …What’s a Santa supposed to do?"
“So you understand my dear Friend and trusty hop on Rude (olf) the only way I can support these crack munchkins is to Lap dance my way around the incontinent, showing my wears to all and Sunday (2 for one weekend specials...conditions apply…”
“I have doubts it is my true calling .........as I am unable to see my crown jewels under this mountain of manly muscle that I carry around my waste but I have rhythm...and the little muppets are always telling me to shake my booty...........though its always when I have my hands full with my Santa sack..”
”Am I as sexy as I feel young Rude?”
Rude...trusty yet crusty Reindeer and confidant...ponders this question ...with one hand...while getting blow dried as he steps out of the pool from a Swedish not so deer layabout we will call sugar ;-)
“You are an inspiration to the lap community dear Santa...please don’t get a sad sack over it! “
”The elves are indeed crack munchins who need your dosh to support there liking for P but surely its much better than the continual orgies they were having when going thru the E buzz...hell we never got any work done then!! “
“Silly munchins with there digital camera and frujus.... at least now they are wrapping the pressies admittedly a little faster than normal...and they are throwing them at the children... but its our job Santa!”
“Rude you are truly a ledged in your own lunch box...it is true I must bump and grind to keep the Christmas spurt alive and well in there hearts and minds. It is not there faults that the elves have turned on themselves and cracked there heads from those dirty biker drugs! I will pissiest in my endeavour to entertain the masses! Thankyou dear Muse for keeping it real!”
With that Santa leapt at the nightclubs door, ready to ming-al with the punters, in hopes of finding one he could take in the back passage and give them the show of a life time and if all went well he might start to get regular customers thus keeping the elves topped up with burn! Making it a fast and furious packing session to get the pressies to the kiddies at Christmas!
His first customer was a raver! Apparently these guys were up for anything as long as it didn’t involve white pants or glow sticks!
With this knowledge Santa changed into his sexy gingham bellbottom pants with matching G, topless from the waste up as the hair on his back had a direct parting and he had heard the yeti look was all the go!
The raver took one look at sexy Santa with his sad sacks and pissed himself laughing!
"Didn't you know gingham is out Santa baby hahahaha"
Santa gave him the eye of shame and started quickly gyrating to massive attack.
The raver...confused as to why he was in this club and frustrated his hook up hadn't arrived had agreed to a lap dance for a laugh.... was surprised by Santa's nimble body and luscious locks and strangely aroused by Santa's sad attempt at the dolphin dive especially as it hit his nether regions in a rhythmical motion ending with Santa spread eagled, on the floor a glint of pain in his eye as the splits were notorious for giving Santa wind!
The Raver! Delighted with the show and more than a little smitten wandered off saddened that the rest of his night will never be as satisfying as what he had just witnessed.
Skipping over to RUDE with $100 note in his hot little hand and a small bag full of white powder as a tip (the raver suggested that the next client would enjoy this sprinkled on his cornflakes (if you know what I mean)...'Santa nominated Rude Pimp d jour (very astute for a rein deer) and started planning the act for his next client…
Santa then hopped in his sleigh driven by Rude
Pimp de jour and "flew" to the next nightclub after seeing what the contents of the little bag smelt like...
Wiping the sweat from his brow, delightedly
alighted and found that the bouncer (7feet of big
black muscle) was glaring at him.
"Sorry no slappers allowed Santa - and no fat
asses!"
Dejected, poor Santa got on his knees to tie his shoelaces...when a great idea burst into his mind like an acid flash back! Sharp vibrant and mildly amusing!
Advertising!
The average lap dancer does not market there whares nearly enough! Thinking of all the advertising he had done for himself being king of tinsel, he got up from his knees, accidentally licking the bouncer between the toes (didn’t realise bouncers could where roman sandals on duty) and ran off to consult RUDE.... who was again getting his tasselly bits tarnished this time by a Asian temptress named Nancy and her rather large briefcase full of tricks!
Rude, Really getting into his Pimping role was to be seen dressed in Ali P styles, lounging on a four seater with numerous women of the night pining for his attention, sipping absinthe with sugar cubes, Nancy beside him with her briefcase open and a rather large snake wrapped around her welcome home mat in a way that could only be seen as obscene to a naked guy!
Grabbing a clipboard Santa squeezed in beside Nancy and Rude and started to map out a marketing plan to enhance his career and built up his following of customers! His aim was top of the lines custom hers (men where proving quite exhausting work for Santa with the bad beer breath and there overporned expectations (he thought anal was that French perfume that he used to get Boris for her birthday)!
"I'm needing a grabbing slogan something to entice the dirty old housewives and the milk maids to ring me up and flash dance for them!"
Mean while back at the GROTTHO...
The elves where coming down and needing a blast!
They had wrapped up all the presents on Tuesday and by Wednesday they had gone to cash converters and sold the lot!
Things were looking Grim..........
Santa had finished his window card that he planned to put in all the local shops with his free phone number that telecom had organised for him.
6 days ago
fruity
Turkey need stuffing?
No jingle in your dangle?
Prefer a silent bite?
Tree a bit furry?
In need of one of the wide men to trim if for you?
Sick of Xmas fairies and would prefer the Xmas hairies?
0800merryhairyflashdance4u!
Santa sat back and waited for the massive response!
Ring went Santa’s phone and he jumped up
in glee - sliding over on the Christmas fruit
mince tart droppings and landing on top of the
poor phone.
"Hello hello would you like me to shake me
tinsel" said Santa (after extracting the phone
from his rectum)
"Stick it...
On my MasterCard" said a deep voice at the
other end of the phone
"are you male or female" asked Santa
"I'm whatever you want me to be Santa baby"
said the sexy voice
"how bout Pamela Anderson" mused Santa
"fuck off asshole you're the one meant to make
all our Christmases cum at once" snapped the
sexy pamela-santa-wishes voice
After scheduling a time to perform Santa jumped
aboard his horny beast rude (after kicking Nancy
away from his testicular area) "up up and
awwwaaaayyyyy"
SPLAT went the sleigh as RUDE, who'd been
on the whiskey and "coke", rode straight into
A chimney on fire. Santa hopping off the sleigh raced over like a maniac to the scene of the crash.
Only to find…it was really one of the elves up the chimney doing P again.
Santa flew off his handlebars, grabbed his pipe and flung him over his shoulder only to find..His MasterCard falling out of the elf's pockets.
Dam crack whores! Why am I even bothering!! I might as well chuck it all in! The elves are spending my dosh faster than I can make it!!...Lap dancing is just taking off things are looking up! I'm doing this for the children!!..........RUDE you are my pimp!! Do your job..
Grabbing the stray elf Santa yelled “Eureka ive got it. I'll start up a rehab centre “
Rude...Not enjoying that Idea one bit...as it would now mean his pimping debauched days (which were the highlight of his deer life!) would be over and he would have to go back to hauling Santa and his fricken packages around from sunrise to sunset for the rest of his life! What did Santa think he was a courier post worker? The shame of it!! That icy wind bit his nuts like a cracker without the Nos!!! ...
Fuck this RUDE thought! That was why he got the elves hooked on P! So he could get out of this job and get on with life unbeknown to Santa.........
"Back to the task at hand Santa my dear friend! We have no time for silly talk now we have the children to think of! “ RUDE said quickly putting then all back on board and calling it a night.
In the days that followed…
Santa oblivious to the master plan of the Evil RUDE was furiously trying to fill up his dance card and wiggle his way to a P free Xmas and a Santa sack full to the brim!
He hadn’t seen Boris for days, his ankles were puffy and his appendages were swelling free!
"This is harder than I thought.” he sighed under his breath while checking his stash of rubber bands and little blue pick it up to stop it dragging on the floor pills.
Back to the elves…
6 days ago
fruity
The elves had been placed in solitary confinement in the colonies of Lapland by RUDE just to appease Santa but he had left them with enough gear to floor the whole of K'road (go the reindeer MasterCard office for topping up his credit limit and letting Santa put his house on the market - thought he was signing a parking ticket (no sleighs to be parked on a loading zone prexmas) SILLY SANTA
...Only one mischievous elf called Fi Fi had managed (not by skill but hanging out for her daily dose) to get wedged between the cracks in the laundry room where her stash was hidden from the others...so here she was...stuck between a tumble dryer, laundry shoot. Her stash in her hand but unable to free herself to get shipped off the colonies with the others...ponderous.... she began to get a clear head and think about the events to date...
"Why have we turned into crack whore elves whose lives are now a sad circle of wrapping up then selling the presents that Santa has worked so hard for all year just to get that P buzz that is starting to become less and less for filling?"
"I am ashamed of the change that has taken place in our lovely home of Lapland and the deceit and pillage that has taken over our thoughts all for this crack bandit lifestyle and has ended our community spirit! Look even me stashing my bags in the laundry shoot so no one can smoke it!! I am truly disgusting!
Not one to take blame especially while hooked on P Fi Fi the missing elf trying to string her brain cells together to fathom how the Elf nation got into such deep porridge
She went back pre P to her carefree days in Lapland running amuck in the tinsel, frolicking in the bubble wrap, slapping the reindeer on there arses with that Beebe gun filled with radioactive material...shame about RUDE and his fluorescent yellow pee now............
It was shortly after that that RUDE had started to take charge to the elf maintenance, placing there much loved cornflakes into there bowls in the morning *in between chemotherapy sessions and picking up his tufty locks off the packing floor...a constant reminder to the elves that reindeer and fleuron is not a good combo
Good old sport that RUDE Fi Fi thought...even putting the sugar on our nutty flakes for us...very handy to know glucose in them will make us grow big and strong! So kind to help us out like that!..............
And then she clicked.................
WTF!!!!! $#%%^#%$ Fi Fi now hitting rock bottom in the P road to hell.... realised RUDE obviously very fucked off at having contamination and dropping bits of skin all over the place.........had obviously started putting a speed glucose mixture on out most important meal of the day for months...gradually increasing the dose to one of rocket launching levels...no wonder when offered P the little Elves eyes nearly popped out of there sockets...
“It’s not sugar on our nutty flakes! It’s that powder
of the gods, that sweet sweet buzz that gets us
thru our hard day of tinsel whacking and present
humping... but is it good or bad?” Fi Fi going through an internal drug addict struggle..
“ It feels so good but life has become so…
“Rude!!! Rude is responsible for our addiction and shame!! That two faced Slut of a reindeer! Pay back is soooo 1982...and the months of planning to get us all hooked! Hell it’s like some crap version of a Virginia Andrews novel!! “
And poor Santa...off whoring his body to undo all the damage we have done!!!...What am I to do???
Meanwhile back at the Lap lounge...
It was 2 days before Xmas and Santa a puddle of slop on the floor of life had now given 2,004 lap dancers, 129 strips to boxers, 12 strips to the full montey, 12 refunds, and turned down 56 marriage proposals, 1 porche, dinner with Madonna and received one finger in a box in the mail with a card saying "stick this where the sun don’t shine sonny" (still deliberating weather of not to ring the men in blue but with his current work ethic he didn’t think they would take him of the finger seriously
Santa was gyrating away ignoring the pain in his
swollen ankles and ho ho ho he was given a tip!
Such a large tip from an adoring customer that
he could afford a private investigator to check
out the activities of the ever dodgy RUDE and
his sidekick Nancy the slut...
Upon his arrival back at the elf factory Santa was
looking in the yellow pages for private detectives
a-la-la when FiFi knocked on his office door
(after finally gnawing off her arm at the shoulder
to free herself from the grasps of the tumble
dryer and the laundry shoot)....
”Fifi” exclaimed Santa –“ you look awful and where
are my other elves?”
Dripping blood and cartilage but pleased to find Santa...though shocked at his sudden weight lose and nicely toned abbs...(stripping is obviously a great cardio work out)...Fi Fi had a quick burn as yes she was still hooked badly and had not had time to visit rehab...
And told her conclusions to Santa in under a minute...while reattaching her arm and making Santa a roast dinner...
Note: P is for losers...multitasking will give you heart attacks
6 days ago
fruity
“I knew it!” Exclaimed Santa... “that asshole RUDE
selling P to make some dosh, corrupting my
innocent baby elves and making them into crack
whores! Now they're gone banished for there own saftely to the colonies of Laplavia”
*Santa started to reminisce about the days
when the elves' agile little bodies served only
his needs...*
Wiping the tear from his eye Santa grabbed FiFi
(after also having a quick burn cause waste not
want not, and together they hopped on his sleigh - driven by a
temp reindeer from "hire-a-horny-beast” cause
RUDE had suddenly gone a wall...
On the other side of town...
RUDE was enjoying yet another marshmallow body scrub and hands on exfoliating hoof cleanse. This time by an Asian boy with giant hands by the name of Lionel...his plans were coming along nicely, the cash was mounting up, his pretend trips to the warehouse for Santa to stock up on pressies for the NZ children were little more than porn sessions at the beauty parlour! He was just waiting for his Visa to come thru so he could book his ticket to Fiji under the alieous of Sam Hill a touring DJ from Aucks who was now looked under the stairs of the K'Road Pool hall and more than a little displeased
Flying through the air Santa’s RUDE detector
suddenly glowed bright red "he's just below us"
cried Santa, staring down at the K Road
massage parlour which was harbouring the
unsuspecting RUDE.
Bringing the sleigh to a forceful landing Santa
crashed through the roof of the parlour crashed
right through the 2nd floor (aka the fisting floor)
and landed right in the huge hands of luscious
Lionel.
With a start RUDE picked his penis up off the
floor, tucked it in his belt and jumped to his
newly exfoliated hooves. "Santa, how did you
know?
..”.RUDE my friend, my confidant, my sleigh driver...look at you...A disgrace to yourself in these troubled times! What has become of you? “
*Rude...wiping the mellow puff from his chin and quickly unchaining himself from the bench seat pulled himself up to his full height rising above the now incredibly toned Santa and looked at him with a gaze of shame and corruption!
”Santa ...I confess since that accident with the fleuron and the lose of my beauty I was at a loss at to what my role was in the Lapland community..”.
”Layers of my true identity keep pealing off me at an alarming rate...and I know longer felt important! “
”As you turned a blind eye to my disfigurement and threw me into cornflake duty the temptation was too much for me to fuck up those little elves like they wreaked me!!”
6 days ago
fruity
"As ugly as I am now even will all these porn/beauty therapy sessions all I can do now is be a Drug lord pimp its all I have left! Is it not better that the Elves are P heads and can do the job so fast you and Boris could spend the rest to the year in the Bahamas?"
"Rude you ungrateful Prick!" Yelled Santa, ignoring RUDES sad attempt at justification.
"All that I have done for you! Picked you up off the barnyard floor and saved you from prostitution at the Reindeer Village, Gave you free tickets to the Little River Band every year they played in Vegas! And this is how you repay me!!"
"I have been busting my arse slutting my way around this town tarnishing my reputation and upsetting Boris for what?? Marshmallow facials and a cheap looking Sado masochist hooker to tie you up and make you bark like a dog"?
6 days ago
fruity
"ENOUGH"
And with that Santa took off his suspenders, the blonde wig (he had been using that as his natural hair was just too overpoweringly exciting to his clients and breathed a sigh of exhausted relief!
"You are banished from Lapland RUDE! I strip you of your special Lap passes, your mobile Lap phone, your key into the Grottho, your lifetime supply of Xmas cheer and most of all .you are no longer my friend"
And with that Santa turned away but not before taking all of the money that RUDE was supposedly keeping to help buy the children presents
Ambled into the local nightclub.... getyarocksoff!
Looking for some action...
His career was short but so was the time to ponder his decision to become a fully-fledged lap dancer extraordinaire!
Rude his companion and trusty side lick...worried that his career change might cause mayhem within the elf nation and cause upheaval with Mrs clause (real name Boris)
Santa sat down at the club and started to eye up some potential clients...
His angle was simple! Eye them up, show them a bit of the famous Santa leg and show them the time of there life! Before he got started he decided to have a spa.
As the club had a private pool, Santa took Rude for a quick slippery dip, the bubbles reminding him of Lapland his home and the reason why he decided to become a lap dancer in the first place...
"People may think its strange rude, why I want to finally break free from the bondage of Xmas presents and the eternal struggle to get the elf’s off the P...
“ My philosophy Rude was if ya cant beat them have a joint with them as you know...but now I am under obligation from those torturous elves to support there habit …What’s a Santa supposed to do?"
“So you understand my dear Friend and trusty hop on Rude (olf) the only way I can support these crack munchkins is to Lap dance my way around the incontinent, showing my wears to all and Sunday (2 for one weekend specials...conditions apply…”
“I have doubts it is my true calling .........as I am unable to see my crown jewels under this mountain of manly muscle that I carry around my waste but I have rhythm...and the little muppets are always telling me to shake my booty...........though its always when I have my hands full with my Santa sack..”
”Am I as sexy as I feel young Rude?”
Rude...trusty yet crusty Reindeer and confidant...ponders this question ...with one hand...while getting blow dried as he steps out of the pool from a Swedish not so deer layabout we will call sugar ;-)
“You are an inspiration to the lap community dear Santa...please don’t get a sad sack over it! “
”The elves are indeed crack munchins who need your dosh to support there liking for P but surely its much better than the continual orgies they were having when going thru the E buzz...hell we never got any work done then!! “
“Silly munchins with there digital camera and frujus.... at least now they are wrapping the pressies admittedly a little faster than normal...and they are throwing them at the children... but its our job Santa!”
“Rude you are truly a ledged in your own lunch box...it is true I must bump and grind to keep the Christmas spurt alive and well in there hearts and minds. It is not there faults that the elves have turned on themselves and cracked there heads from those dirty biker drugs! I will pissiest in my endeavour to entertain the masses! Thankyou dear Muse for keeping it real!”
With that Santa leapt at the nightclubs door, ready to ming-al with the punters, in hopes of finding one he could take in the back passage and give them the show of a life time and if all went well he might start to get regular customers thus keeping the elves topped up with burn! Making it a fast and furious packing session to get the pressies to the kiddies at Christmas!
His first customer was a raver! Apparently these guys were up for anything as long as it didn’t involve white pants or glow sticks!
With this knowledge Santa changed into his sexy gingham bellbottom pants with matching G, topless from the waste up as the hair on his back had a direct parting and he had heard the yeti look was all the go!
The raver took one look at sexy Santa with his sad sacks and pissed himself laughing!
"Didn't you know gingham is out Santa baby hahahaha"
Santa gave him the eye of shame and started quickly gyrating to massive attack.
The raver...confused as to why he was in this club and frustrated his hook up hadn't arrived had agreed to a lap dance for a laugh.... was surprised by Santa's nimble body and luscious locks and strangely aroused by Santa's sad attempt at the dolphin dive especially as it hit his nether regions in a rhythmical motion ending with Santa spread eagled, on the floor a glint of pain in his eye as the splits were notorious for giving Santa wind!
The Raver! Delighted with the show and more than a little smitten wandered off saddened that the rest of his night will never be as satisfying as what he had just witnessed.
Skipping over to RUDE with $100 note in his hot little hand and a small bag full of white powder as a tip (the raver suggested that the next client would enjoy this sprinkled on his cornflakes (if you know what I mean)...'Santa nominated Rude Pimp d jour (very astute for a rein deer) and started planning the act for his next client…
Santa then hopped in his sleigh driven by Rude
Pimp de jour and "flew" to the next nightclub after seeing what the contents of the little bag smelt like...
Wiping the sweat from his brow, delightedly
alighted and found that the bouncer (7feet of big
black muscle) was glaring at him.
"Sorry no slappers allowed Santa - and no fat
asses!"
Dejected, poor Santa got on his knees to tie his shoelaces...when a great idea burst into his mind like an acid flash back! Sharp vibrant and mildly amusing!
Advertising!
The average lap dancer does not market there whares nearly enough! Thinking of all the advertising he had done for himself being king of tinsel, he got up from his knees, accidentally licking the bouncer between the toes (didn’t realise bouncers could where roman sandals on duty) and ran off to consult RUDE.... who was again getting his tasselly bits tarnished this time by a Asian temptress named Nancy and her rather large briefcase full of tricks!
Rude, Really getting into his Pimping role was to be seen dressed in Ali P styles, lounging on a four seater with numerous women of the night pining for his attention, sipping absinthe with sugar cubes, Nancy beside him with her briefcase open and a rather large snake wrapped around her welcome home mat in a way that could only be seen as obscene to a naked guy!
Grabbing a clipboard Santa squeezed in beside Nancy and Rude and started to map out a marketing plan to enhance his career and built up his following of customers! His aim was top of the lines custom hers (men where proving quite exhausting work for Santa with the bad beer breath and there overporned expectations (he thought anal was that French perfume that he used to get Boris for her birthday)!
"I'm needing a grabbing slogan something to entice the dirty old housewives and the milk maids to ring me up and flash dance for them!"
Mean while back at the GROTTHO...
The elves where coming down and needing a blast!
They had wrapped up all the presents on Tuesday and by Wednesday they had gone to cash converters and sold the lot!
Things were looking Grim..........
Santa had finished his window card that he planned to put in all the local shops with his free phone number that telecom had organised for him.
6 days ago
fruity
Turkey need stuffing?
No jingle in your dangle?
Prefer a silent bite?
Tree a bit furry?
In need of one of the wide men to trim if for you?
Sick of Xmas fairies and would prefer the Xmas hairies?
0800merryhairyflashdance4u!
Santa sat back and waited for the massive response!
Ring went Santa’s phone and he jumped up
in glee - sliding over on the Christmas fruit
mince tart droppings and landing on top of the
poor phone.
"Hello hello would you like me to shake me
tinsel" said Santa (after extracting the phone
from his rectum)
"Stick it...
On my MasterCard" said a deep voice at the
other end of the phone
"are you male or female" asked Santa
"I'm whatever you want me to be Santa baby"
said the sexy voice
"how bout Pamela Anderson" mused Santa
"fuck off asshole you're the one meant to make
all our Christmases cum at once" snapped the
sexy pamela-santa-wishes voice
After scheduling a time to perform Santa jumped
aboard his horny beast rude (after kicking Nancy
away from his testicular area) "up up and
awwwaaaayyyyy"
SPLAT went the sleigh as RUDE, who'd been
on the whiskey and "coke", rode straight into
A chimney on fire. Santa hopping off the sleigh raced over like a maniac to the scene of the crash.
Only to find…it was really one of the elves up the chimney doing P again.
Santa flew off his handlebars, grabbed his pipe and flung him over his shoulder only to find..His MasterCard falling out of the elf's pockets.
Dam crack whores! Why am I even bothering!! I might as well chuck it all in! The elves are spending my dosh faster than I can make it!!...Lap dancing is just taking off things are looking up! I'm doing this for the children!!..........RUDE you are my pimp!! Do your job..
Grabbing the stray elf Santa yelled “Eureka ive got it. I'll start up a rehab centre “
Rude...Not enjoying that Idea one bit...as it would now mean his pimping debauched days (which were the highlight of his deer life!) would be over and he would have to go back to hauling Santa and his fricken packages around from sunrise to sunset for the rest of his life! What did Santa think he was a courier post worker? The shame of it!! That icy wind bit his nuts like a cracker without the Nos!!! ...
Fuck this RUDE thought! That was why he got the elves hooked on P! So he could get out of this job and get on with life unbeknown to Santa.........
"Back to the task at hand Santa my dear friend! We have no time for silly talk now we have the children to think of! “ RUDE said quickly putting then all back on board and calling it a night.
In the days that followed…
Santa oblivious to the master plan of the Evil RUDE was furiously trying to fill up his dance card and wiggle his way to a P free Xmas and a Santa sack full to the brim!
He hadn’t seen Boris for days, his ankles were puffy and his appendages were swelling free!
"This is harder than I thought.” he sighed under his breath while checking his stash of rubber bands and little blue pick it up to stop it dragging on the floor pills.
Back to the elves…
6 days ago
fruity
The elves had been placed in solitary confinement in the colonies of Lapland by RUDE just to appease Santa but he had left them with enough gear to floor the whole of K'road (go the reindeer MasterCard office for topping up his credit limit and letting Santa put his house on the market - thought he was signing a parking ticket (no sleighs to be parked on a loading zone prexmas) SILLY SANTA
...Only one mischievous elf called Fi Fi had managed (not by skill but hanging out for her daily dose) to get wedged between the cracks in the laundry room where her stash was hidden from the others...so here she was...stuck between a tumble dryer, laundry shoot. Her stash in her hand but unable to free herself to get shipped off the colonies with the others...ponderous.... she began to get a clear head and think about the events to date...
"Why have we turned into crack whore elves whose lives are now a sad circle of wrapping up then selling the presents that Santa has worked so hard for all year just to get that P buzz that is starting to become less and less for filling?"
"I am ashamed of the change that has taken place in our lovely home of Lapland and the deceit and pillage that has taken over our thoughts all for this crack bandit lifestyle and has ended our community spirit! Look even me stashing my bags in the laundry shoot so no one can smoke it!! I am truly disgusting!
Not one to take blame especially while hooked on P Fi Fi the missing elf trying to string her brain cells together to fathom how the Elf nation got into such deep porridge
She went back pre P to her carefree days in Lapland running amuck in the tinsel, frolicking in the bubble wrap, slapping the reindeer on there arses with that Beebe gun filled with radioactive material...shame about RUDE and his fluorescent yellow pee now............
It was shortly after that that RUDE had started to take charge to the elf maintenance, placing there much loved cornflakes into there bowls in the morning *in between chemotherapy sessions and picking up his tufty locks off the packing floor...a constant reminder to the elves that reindeer and fleuron is not a good combo
Good old sport that RUDE Fi Fi thought...even putting the sugar on our nutty flakes for us...very handy to know glucose in them will make us grow big and strong! So kind to help us out like that!..............
And then she clicked.................
WTF!!!!! $#%%^#%$ Fi Fi now hitting rock bottom in the P road to hell.... realised RUDE obviously very fucked off at having contamination and dropping bits of skin all over the place.........had obviously started putting a speed glucose mixture on out most important meal of the day for months...gradually increasing the dose to one of rocket launching levels...no wonder when offered P the little Elves eyes nearly popped out of there sockets...
“It’s not sugar on our nutty flakes! It’s that powder
of the gods, that sweet sweet buzz that gets us
thru our hard day of tinsel whacking and present
humping... but is it good or bad?” Fi Fi going through an internal drug addict struggle..
“ It feels so good but life has become so…
“Rude!!! Rude is responsible for our addiction and shame!! That two faced Slut of a reindeer! Pay back is soooo 1982...and the months of planning to get us all hooked! Hell it’s like some crap version of a Virginia Andrews novel!! “
And poor Santa...off whoring his body to undo all the damage we have done!!!...What am I to do???
Meanwhile back at the Lap lounge...
It was 2 days before Xmas and Santa a puddle of slop on the floor of life had now given 2,004 lap dancers, 129 strips to boxers, 12 strips to the full montey, 12 refunds, and turned down 56 marriage proposals, 1 porche, dinner with Madonna and received one finger in a box in the mail with a card saying "stick this where the sun don’t shine sonny" (still deliberating weather of not to ring the men in blue but with his current work ethic he didn’t think they would take him of the finger seriously
Santa was gyrating away ignoring the pain in his
swollen ankles and ho ho ho he was given a tip!
Such a large tip from an adoring customer that
he could afford a private investigator to check
out the activities of the ever dodgy RUDE and
his sidekick Nancy the slut...
Upon his arrival back at the elf factory Santa was
looking in the yellow pages for private detectives
a-la-la when FiFi knocked on his office door
(after finally gnawing off her arm at the shoulder
to free herself from the grasps of the tumble
dryer and the laundry shoot)....
”Fifi” exclaimed Santa –“ you look awful and where
are my other elves?”
Dripping blood and cartilage but pleased to find Santa...though shocked at his sudden weight lose and nicely toned abbs...(stripping is obviously a great cardio work out)...Fi Fi had a quick burn as yes she was still hooked badly and had not had time to visit rehab...
And told her conclusions to Santa in under a minute...while reattaching her arm and making Santa a roast dinner...
Note: P is for losers...multitasking will give you heart attacks
6 days ago
fruity
“I knew it!” Exclaimed Santa... “that asshole RUDE
selling P to make some dosh, corrupting my
innocent baby elves and making them into crack
whores! Now they're gone banished for there own saftely to the colonies of Laplavia”
*Santa started to reminisce about the days
when the elves' agile little bodies served only
his needs...*
Wiping the tear from his eye Santa grabbed FiFi
(after also having a quick burn cause waste not
want not, and together they hopped on his sleigh - driven by a
temp reindeer from "hire-a-horny-beast” cause
RUDE had suddenly gone a wall...
On the other side of town...
RUDE was enjoying yet another marshmallow body scrub and hands on exfoliating hoof cleanse. This time by an Asian boy with giant hands by the name of Lionel...his plans were coming along nicely, the cash was mounting up, his pretend trips to the warehouse for Santa to stock up on pressies for the NZ children were little more than porn sessions at the beauty parlour! He was just waiting for his Visa to come thru so he could book his ticket to Fiji under the alieous of Sam Hill a touring DJ from Aucks who was now looked under the stairs of the K'Road Pool hall and more than a little displeased
Flying through the air Santa’s RUDE detector
suddenly glowed bright red "he's just below us"
cried Santa, staring down at the K Road
massage parlour which was harbouring the
unsuspecting RUDE.
Bringing the sleigh to a forceful landing Santa
crashed through the roof of the parlour crashed
right through the 2nd floor (aka the fisting floor)
and landed right in the huge hands of luscious
Lionel.
With a start RUDE picked his penis up off the
floor, tucked it in his belt and jumped to his
newly exfoliated hooves. "Santa, how did you
know?
..”.RUDE my friend, my confidant, my sleigh driver...look at you...A disgrace to yourself in these troubled times! What has become of you? “
*Rude...wiping the mellow puff from his chin and quickly unchaining himself from the bench seat pulled himself up to his full height rising above the now incredibly toned Santa and looked at him with a gaze of shame and corruption!
”Santa ...I confess since that accident with the fleuron and the lose of my beauty I was at a loss at to what my role was in the Lapland community..”.
”Layers of my true identity keep pealing off me at an alarming rate...and I know longer felt important! “
”As you turned a blind eye to my disfigurement and threw me into cornflake duty the temptation was too much for me to fuck up those little elves like they wreaked me!!”
6 days ago
fruity
"As ugly as I am now even will all these porn/beauty therapy sessions all I can do now is be a Drug lord pimp its all I have left! Is it not better that the Elves are P heads and can do the job so fast you and Boris could spend the rest to the year in the Bahamas?"
"Rude you ungrateful Prick!" Yelled Santa, ignoring RUDES sad attempt at justification.
"All that I have done for you! Picked you up off the barnyard floor and saved you from prostitution at the Reindeer Village, Gave you free tickets to the Little River Band every year they played in Vegas! And this is how you repay me!!"
"I have been busting my arse slutting my way around this town tarnishing my reputation and upsetting Boris for what?? Marshmallow facials and a cheap looking Sado masochist hooker to tie you up and make you bark like a dog"?
6 days ago
fruity
"ENOUGH"
And with that Santa took off his suspenders, the blonde wig (he had been using that as his natural hair was just too overpoweringly exciting to his clients and breathed a sigh of exhausted relief!
"You are banished from Lapland RUDE! I strip you of your special Lap passes, your mobile Lap phone, your key into the Grottho, your lifetime supply of Xmas cheer and most of all .you are no longer my friend"
And with that Santa turned away but not before taking all of the money that RUDE was supposedly keeping to help buy the children presents
This post probably belongs over in Words, a forum where you can post such stories, or over in Aus/NZ/Asia/Middle East Social.