Zonxx
Bluelighter
i woke up today to take my normal cluster of shit to get myself out of bed when i looked over at my desk thats more or less covered in empty bags of cocaine, broken addy/morphine capsules only to get a weird question pop into my head, what the fuck is sanity and how does one maintain it?
One might call my use insanity even though i grip onto sanity and don't let go, but it comes to question is sanity just what one percieves as not gone- so to speak? how is it that i can have a regimen of substance use ( i'll go with use instead of abuse since i relatively have what i do under control at most times) but i was posed the question in a pm a week ago if i was "trying to kill myself" not physically but in a mental manner, which came alittle as a shock because i don't often take a step back to look at what i'm really doing i just get through each day however i best see fit
but it makes me wonder, how can i maintain a regimen that would tear anothers mind to pieces? i've never given thought of giving up substances as they keep me quite balanced as i've become dependent in my own ways on certain things but there are times when, i'm shocked its friday when the last time i checked it was monday or tuesday, i can probably admit i have a polydrug-addiction/dependency and a close friend asked me recently how these things aren't taking a toll, which i couldn't answer and simply said that i don't feel any different today than i did years ago when i occasionally used cocaine and smoked hash non stop my use has simply evolved over the years to aid with whatever i need on that given day, so why do others question a regimen of substance use that they most likely couldn't maintain while another can, while it can be said there are limits, sure thats true, but what defines the limits because i clearly can't but it bears the thought how i would manage without my chemical aids thus in november i'll be putting it to a test to see how well i can cope without such a cluster of chemicals coursing through my veins 24/7 i'm curious as to how i'll manage
but why it raises the question, sobriety and why.. without a doubt, some can vouch to say sobriety is for them, but that doesn't mean its a fit mindstate for everyone no? who's to say that indulging in stimulants doesn't keep one as balanced as someone who only has a cup of joe now and then? i can't seem to answer to some friends who occasionally use drugs as to why i rather simply use them whenever i want to it just doesn't click, sure we can't feel good all the time, and believe me even with everything i consume, i still don't but i've always had a positive outlook on things, some might put it down to being slightly delusional but i feel like i genuinely have just figured out what works for me and that doesn't have to mean it's healthy but everyone should feel balanced on a personal level, i know i do, there are those that have concerns and i suppose rightly so but the bigger picture at play is rather that i'm fine and fine with being fine, who can ask for more than to wake up in withdrawal and be fine with it, no?
i'll also add that i did write this after dumping a load of addy into a cup of coffee so perhaps its a jumbled ramble but i fail to grasp why others aren't fine with all that life has to give, anyone have any particular clues to throw in that might make sense? i've never been one to understand depression as i suppose i've always self-medicated for any mood that might even slightly resemble it, but i can't say there's much wrong with that no?
alass just some random thinking i felt id post because why not
One might call my use insanity even though i grip onto sanity and don't let go, but it comes to question is sanity just what one percieves as not gone- so to speak? how is it that i can have a regimen of substance use ( i'll go with use instead of abuse since i relatively have what i do under control at most times) but i was posed the question in a pm a week ago if i was "trying to kill myself" not physically but in a mental manner, which came alittle as a shock because i don't often take a step back to look at what i'm really doing i just get through each day however i best see fit
but it makes me wonder, how can i maintain a regimen that would tear anothers mind to pieces? i've never given thought of giving up substances as they keep me quite balanced as i've become dependent in my own ways on certain things but there are times when, i'm shocked its friday when the last time i checked it was monday or tuesday, i can probably admit i have a polydrug-addiction/dependency and a close friend asked me recently how these things aren't taking a toll, which i couldn't answer and simply said that i don't feel any different today than i did years ago when i occasionally used cocaine and smoked hash non stop my use has simply evolved over the years to aid with whatever i need on that given day, so why do others question a regimen of substance use that they most likely couldn't maintain while another can, while it can be said there are limits, sure thats true, but what defines the limits because i clearly can't but it bears the thought how i would manage without my chemical aids thus in november i'll be putting it to a test to see how well i can cope without such a cluster of chemicals coursing through my veins 24/7 i'm curious as to how i'll manage
but why it raises the question, sobriety and why.. without a doubt, some can vouch to say sobriety is for them, but that doesn't mean its a fit mindstate for everyone no? who's to say that indulging in stimulants doesn't keep one as balanced as someone who only has a cup of joe now and then? i can't seem to answer to some friends who occasionally use drugs as to why i rather simply use them whenever i want to it just doesn't click, sure we can't feel good all the time, and believe me even with everything i consume, i still don't but i've always had a positive outlook on things, some might put it down to being slightly delusional but i feel like i genuinely have just figured out what works for me and that doesn't have to mean it's healthy but everyone should feel balanced on a personal level, i know i do, there are those that have concerns and i suppose rightly so but the bigger picture at play is rather that i'm fine and fine with being fine, who can ask for more than to wake up in withdrawal and be fine with it, no?
i'll also add that i did write this after dumping a load of addy into a cup of coffee so perhaps its a jumbled ramble but i fail to grasp why others aren't fine with all that life has to give, anyone have any particular clues to throw in that might make sense? i've never been one to understand depression as i suppose i've always self-medicated for any mood that might even slightly resemble it, but i can't say there's much wrong with that no?
alass just some random thinking i felt id post because why not
