Same shit, Different pile..

[DeFlyinDutchman]

My name is Mr. D.
i am a former bluelighter..
i used to follow this forum pretty hard years ago, and not just TDS in specific, though mostly because i was a teenager then, just a stupid fucking kid.. alone and lost in the world, reaching out to anyone; even strangers on the internet..
and all but one beautiful soul reached out..
another lost bluelighter looking for someone, or something to relate to.. i will never forget her, and what she did for me in my time of need.
And the truth is, that girl saved my life, and i owe a lot to her... she was there when i needed someone to just goddamn listen, more than anything..

A lot has changed since then.. ive got my life together.. sorta..
ive been dating the sweetest girl in the world for a total of 3 whole years, come july. And i really have gotten my shit together for the most part; I've been a full time heavy equipment operator for the past 5 years... at the moment im earning $29 an hour and im doing what i love..

However...
with my job, i am unemployed for 6 months a year, during which time i fall HARD back into old habits, as well as into a deep, deep depression..
Lately, ive ruined a 2 year clean streak in exchange for unlimited access to a connection to 1000 hits of those snortable, lovable, 20mg white oxys.. PER MONTH.. for next to nothing..
Ive been making money and getting horribly addicted to the most deceptive drug ive ever known.. more so the latter.
Im back on the jib which i haven't done in years.. im lying to my GF.. im a fucking scabby wreck...
One point i have to make about "the dark side" is that there is no light side to drugs. not one.
Ive seen the way out.. ive seen the light.. and ive always, always, always been pulled back down..

Oxy.. meth.. and if all else fail, the liquour..
my salvation?? ..the love of my life, my fiancée.. my immediate family..

i don't see life without any of the above... i really don't... which scares the fuck out of me.
..because that at this current point in time, nothing seems more important to me than the other..

As i write this, ive spent the last 2 days nodding on those oxy 20s.. about $300 worth.. then picked up my script for legal meth the day after.. hadn't slept 2 days, and now im forcing a come down from that shit by forcing down a sixer of 7%..

I want to leave this life. addiction has plagued me for more of my life than not. i am done. HOW THE FUCK DOI STOP???????
theres no end to it i swear it doesn't matter how many people love you..
and the worst part is i know how many people love me.."
The song i relate to more than all else? "All hell for a basement - Big Sugar"

 

[herbavore]

I can really feel the pain in your post. I am so sorry that you are struggling in such isolation inside. It sounds like you did a lot to create the life you want on the surface(job and relationship with a wonderful person) and now you need to create the life you want inside. It sounds so vague and usually brings up feelings of hopelessness ("I can't ever change"). But, you are right at an edge now and you know you have to act to save what you have worked so hard for so why not give it your all?

Addiction manipulates your thoughts. Your thoughts are vulnerable to manipulation when you have a shaky relationship with yourself. You are going to have to summon up both faith in yourself and the courage to confront what lies underneath the addictions. I'm going to suggest counseling. I know that a lot of people think of it as a waste of money-- and it is if you expect someone else to do the work for you or to say some magic words that will make everything come clear. But it can help immensely to just have someone reflect back to you the mind traps you set for yourself and give you some strategies for changing your thinking and perceptions. One thing I think is very important and that is to get a counselor that has experience with addiction and will not be judgmental or simply naive about it.

If you really can't stand the thought of counseling, maybe try to do the work yourself. Read about addiction. Educate yourself about it and understand how it works. Get to the roots of your discomfort or pain inside. Go to meetings (if you don't like AA/NA, there are Smart Recovery meetings online if you can't find one in your area) and find people that you can relate to that you can be honest with.

And use the Sober Living Forum--there is a great community of support here. The isolation is one of addiction's most potent weapons, along with the really big gun: guilt. Try to do everything in your power to deal with your situation with your head held high when you look in the mirror. Be proud of yourself for reaching out and wanting to change--those are important steps and even they take courage.