-
The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
Posting Rules Bluelight Rules Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines Bereavement Mindfulness Suicide Support Anger Management -
TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android
Same Old Story - "Violent Dad/I'm in rage" (triggering?)
- Thread starter max_
- Start date
monkeyemergency
Bluelighter
Gosh, that's horrible that he would do things like that 
i don't really care about being 'the bigger man' but i think if you acted upon your anger it would cause even more grief for your mother and sibling/s, and it sounds like they've already had enough of that.
i don't really care about being 'the bigger man' but i think if you acted upon your anger it would cause even more grief for your mother and sibling/s, and it sounds like they've already had enough of that.
monkeyemergency
Bluelighter
Family is hard i'm 20 also, growing up is hard too, don't do anything you might regret 
i'm 20 also, growing up is hard too, don't do anything you might regret max I am so sorry you have had such a difficult family life. A father being physically abusive to a mother is something NO child should ever witness
It's great that you're committed to your therapy sessions now, I think you'll be able to get a lot out of it. It's actually really normal that you're feeling all these negative emotions now that you're working through them, and allowing yourself to feel angry after all these years of suppressing it. So I can imagine that it's a bit of an emotional rollercoaster for you right now.
It's totally understandable that you feel so much anger towards your father, and that you want to make him pay for what he did to your mother. But to take out physical aggression on him will only be perpetuating the history of violence in your home. Don't stoop to your fathers level, rise above it and deal with things like a real man, with maturity and dignity. If you feel the need to physically release your anger, why not get a punching bag or take up weights training or a sport? You still need that physical release of energy but it's just about channelling it in an effective way. What do you think?
It's great that you're committed to your therapy sessions now, I think you'll be able to get a lot out of it. It's actually really normal that you're feeling all these negative emotions now that you're working through them, and allowing yourself to feel angry after all these years of suppressing it. So I can imagine that it's a bit of an emotional rollercoaster for you right now.
It's totally understandable that you feel so much anger towards your father, and that you want to make him pay for what he did to your mother. But to take out physical aggression on him will only be perpetuating the history of violence in your home. Don't stoop to your fathers level, rise above it and deal with things like a real man, with maturity and dignity. If you feel the need to physically release your anger, why not get a punching bag or take up weights training or a sport? You still need that physical release of energy but it's just about channelling it in an effective way. What do you think?
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
The fact that the rest of your family wants to pretend like nothing has happened is crazy-making. Abused women often make excuses for their husbands because they feel trapped and cannot imagine how they would survive on their own. This is no excuse for your mother but may be why she is pretending that nothing of consequence happened.
My question is this: do you have to live with them? You are 20 and even if it is difficult financially to move out, I think it would be worth it for your sanity. Refusing to eat with or talk to your father while living under the same roof is only going to keep you all in some kind of craziness. Why not put your effort into moving out where all of this is not right in your face every day and night? Your sanity and integrity are worth it. Good luck--it's a tough spot to be in at twenty.
My question is this: do you have to live with them? You are 20 and even if it is difficult financially to move out, I think it would be worth it for your sanity. Refusing to eat with or talk to your father while living under the same roof is only going to keep you all in some kind of craziness. Why not put your effort into moving out where all of this is not right in your face every day and night? Your sanity and integrity are worth it. Good luck--it's a tough spot to be in at twenty.
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
Max, I hear you about the financial difficulties. It's good that you are focused on your degree, too. You could probably get free counseling through your county Family Services that is specifically for people that grew up with abuse or seeing abuse. I would strongly recommend it because your mom is in deep denial. When family members try to protect someone by hiding or denying the truth, it hurts everyone. I'm sorry that you have to go through this while you are trying to concentrate on school.
Help?!?!
Bluelighter
Ha, you sound literally just like me. My father would never have touched my mother though, not in a god damn million years, but me, thats another story. I used to live filled with utter and complete rage. I, like you from an early age, promised, though I mean really promised that I would pay him back for it, all of it, in a few swift moments. I was going to break him, like he never did me, just like you I couldn't want for it, the thought of hearing him cry for the first time, him screaming to stop. Forcing him to tell himself that he is a childish girl who didn't even have an ounce of strength comparable to me. I knew that would break him, in a literal sense and I couldn't wait. When I was 13 though he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I was almost sad that life would take him before I had the chance. That bastard was crazy though, he would even try to get physical when he barely weighed 150 pounds, at that time though, fuck it at any time, I could never bring myself to ever touch such a sick and damaged man. I thought it was almost better that way, sure I didn't get to extract the punishment for his sins, physically with my hands like I had dreamed but it was fairly fitting. He was so healthy, big, strong, the kind of man who would die at age 132 if his luck had held, so I could see it in his eyes the way it ate at him that his "God" was taking him, after he was healthy and the like. I actually kind of hugged him, more so as a last act of kindness or maybe rather as a last act of domination(to still be the better man), at the time my bitterness and the frost that had long since hardened myself was finally beginning to thaw I suppose. One day, I believe a year and a half into his sickness, he was trying to fuck with me and this day I couldn't take it and let into the shit. He whipped a TV remote at my head which I could feel the breeze from, so I turned around and replied "God, your such a fucking faggot!". He was up in a second, surprising a sick man could move like that and he was already screaming something like "CALL ME A MOTHER FUCKING FAGGOT YOU LITTLE BITCH!"haha, in seconds though he crashed right through my door for the hundredth time, huffing and puffing. He just looked at me like he was ready to tussle, but I think he really noticed that day how much more bulky I was, because I just said "Nice job you broke down the door now what?" and instead of trying his sad old sick man can still fight routine in which I would just push him away, he said "So you fucker, all these years you've told me that theres nothing more you would wish for in this world than for me to be dead, now its coming true, are you happy big man, is this what you hoped for?". God damn, I looked him directly in the eyes and said "I honestly don't think anything could make me happier....!". He broke right there, I could see it in his eyes how bad that one stung, but that was something i've never understood about certain abusive characters, how they can really expect that its all just okay and when like OP your dad like mine would look me in the eyes and say "I know i've hurt you and you didn't deserve it at all, i'm so sorry and I love you so much.", that would always turn my stomach and I could only reply with something that would cut like "Welp, the feelings certainly aren't mutual.". I remember also a couple days before he died, my mother was like "Oh look his doctors said he was supposed to die days ago, i think hes hanging on....for you....to say you love him! Hes waiting!". God aren't people just totally fucked? She was there for a lot of it, so honestly at that moment I wanted to hit her in the face, to me it was like if someone raped her was close to me and on their death bed and I told her it was her last chance to tell 'em she loved 'em. All I can tell you is, I realized a year or so later that I was the eternal champion of those years. I was the winner, the one who never broken and who broke his the challengers that arrived to hurt him. I beat him with words, outwitting him with the truth. Cramming the truth of his sick sins down his throat whenever I could. I realized that while beating him would have had a primal satisfaction but that would be all. Today if anyone could look back they would see that not only was I often not very violent unless pushed to an extreme but that I was the bigger person....at age 10. To me thats a better feeling than knowing I cracked a couple of his ribs and made him cry like a little girl, that style of satisfaction only comes for minutes, its always fleeting. Plus you'll just be as low as he is. If one day he violently acts you unprovoked, fucking unleash your pent up fury on him like a maelstrom but until then just sit back and IMO just ignore him. Truly abusive people rarely change especially if their left around people they can continue to push around. Also if you haven't remove your mother from the situation, if you have to do so forcefully, like I said he isn't going to come to his senses and most people that fall into the "Oh I deserved it/etc" category of abuse usually just take it their whole lives and thats such a terrifyingly sad way to have to exist. Also maybe next time something happens just immediately call the police and inform him he'll be leaving but your tired of this and the next time it happens the police won't be there to just take him away to a cozy cell though may just escalate things so best to stick with non-violence. Oh and lastly like others said and I just be the bigger person, I forgot to add that this is so rarely instantly rewarding but years down the road when you think back to it, you'll only feel great about yourself and the way you handled things. Its also like an invisible medal for you to wear on your chest to remind that your a strong person and you've dealt with difficult things before but made the absolute best decisions to handle them as you could!
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
^That's a pretty powerful story. Breaking the cycle of abuse (I was abused so I must deserve it or I was abused so I can't help abusing) is one of the most heroic and empowering acts. I like your image of the invisible medal; you should be very proud of that.
@max_ your story is identical to mine. My dad used to beat the shit out of me & my mum on a regular basis when I was a kid.
When I hit my teens I used to lay I bed and seriously think about going into my dads room and stabbing him as he slept. But my fear of him prevented me from doing so.
Then I thought that I will just wait it out until I become a man and he would be older and weaker than me then. My plan was to wait till this time then give him one hell of a beating and let him know how it feels to be physically and mentally hurt.
But I am just about 41 years old now and he is in his 60's with a walking stick.
I decided years ago that if I did beat him then I would be no better than he was to me and my mum and I had always sworn to myself as a child that I would never be like my dad once I became an adult.
Break the chain, he knows what he did and hopefully the guilt is with him every day plus the fact he wasted what could have been a great father son relationship if he had behaved normally.
When I hit my teens I used to lay I bed and seriously think about going into my dads room and stabbing him as he slept. But my fear of him prevented me from doing so.
Then I thought that I will just wait it out until I become a man and he would be older and weaker than me then. My plan was to wait till this time then give him one hell of a beating and let him know how it feels to be physically and mentally hurt.
But I am just about 41 years old now and he is in his 60's with a walking stick.
I decided years ago that if I did beat him then I would be no better than he was to me and my mum and I had always sworn to myself as a child that I would never be like my dad once I became an adult.
Break the chain, he knows what he did and hopefully the guilt is with him every day plus the fact he wasted what could have been a great father son relationship if he had behaved normally.
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
@Max, Help? and Maxalfie, you are all heroes. My hat's off to each of you.
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
I'm sorry to hear about this.
For one, I'm glad you are seeing a therapist. I wish I had it in me to try. Have you inquired whether your parents are going to get therapy? Or do you think that they are the kind to never do such a thing? (My parents are in denial they have any problems whatsoever, as an example)
You are 20 now, are you living in the same household or are you on your own? From the way you wrote your post, it sounds like you still live there.
In my opinion, here's what you should do. Try to imagine using your physical strength ONLY in defense if anyone is to physically attack you, and instead, as you increasingly become the stronger adult in the situation, just realize you can take control of situations where he is being an annoying son of a bitch by asking him to stop (demanding that he back off, or you'll call 911 or whatever? Whatever you think is the best thing in the situation as it's happening really - maybe there are other adults who could help out and you could ask them to do so?)
Categorically speaking, people with low testosterone are prone to chronically being the angry unlovable douche bag so it is possible you may want to suggest to your dad he go to an endocrinologist. The best part: you need not mention why
just say people his age should go to such a doctor. As most people his age, have the cutting edge medicine type option of going on HRT without medical necessity. However, men who have been "angry dad's" their whole lives likely have been long suffering from a lower to much lower than average testosterone level. Of course this doesn't explain 100% of the cases of "angry dad's", but I'm just saying.
Above all, please focus your thoughts, energy, actions, and mindset into a positive, peaceful one. Reserve your physical strength to defend you and/or family members ok? As much as you may want to, please don't physically provoke anyone.
For one, I'm glad you are seeing a therapist. I wish I had it in me to try. Have you inquired whether your parents are going to get therapy? Or do you think that they are the kind to never do such a thing? (My parents are in denial they have any problems whatsoever, as an example)
You are 20 now, are you living in the same household or are you on your own? From the way you wrote your post, it sounds like you still live there.
In my opinion, here's what you should do. Try to imagine using your physical strength ONLY in defense if anyone is to physically attack you, and instead, as you increasingly become the stronger adult in the situation, just realize you can take control of situations where he is being an annoying son of a bitch by asking him to stop (demanding that he back off, or you'll call 911 or whatever? Whatever you think is the best thing in the situation as it's happening really - maybe there are other adults who could help out and you could ask them to do so?)
Categorically speaking, people with low testosterone are prone to chronically being the angry unlovable douche bag so it is possible you may want to suggest to your dad he go to an endocrinologist. The best part: you need not mention why
just say people his age should go to such a doctor. As most people his age, have the cutting edge medicine type option of going on HRT without medical necessity. However, men who have been "angry dad's" their whole lives likely have been long suffering from a lower to much lower than average testosterone level. Of course this doesn't explain 100% of the cases of "angry dad's", but I'm just saying. Above all, please focus your thoughts, energy, actions, and mindset into a positive, peaceful one. Reserve your physical strength to defend you and/or family members ok? As much as you may want to, please don't physically provoke anyone.