ErgotFiend
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Aug 11, 2022
- Messages
- 73
Report from the spring of 2025. Can't say I agree with everything I thought then, but such is life. Tear me to shreds if you wish. 
Last friday I mixed salvia with DMT, for a third time. Like both instances before, I went in planning to only take the former, but in my haze compulsively introduced the latter. It went well this time- keyword this time. The combination has freaked me out in the past. Since, the two potentiate each other, the salvia bringing narrative and the DMT color, what would be smaller doses of the two suddenly combine into a ego-shredding duet. This time, I really enjoyed it.
I have been single for almost an entire year, before then I was in the same relationship for 5 years. That relationship was full of psychedelic use. It became something we felt like we had to do to prove our bond. Frankly, It was a major source of stress. Not to mention it being long distance, among various other personal failures on my end. Being single has been both a blessing and a curse.
I’ve been enraptured by an ever-growing, largely unreciprocated crush for the past few months. But a few days before my trip, I matched with someone on Hinge. I was peeved by my recent performance in school, and frankly wasn’t looking forward to meeting them - having had nothing but bad experiences with dating apps thus far. But, we immediately hit it off. It felt like the beginning of something long term. My sadness quickly transformed into a deep feeling of hope. That sudden change in mental state both concerned and excited me - I had just spent the past weeks hopelessly obsessed with someone else.
I love psychedelics for their ability to reveal things about myself that I've become blind to. Unfortunately, most of them are a major time commitment (after all, I am incredibly swamped with graduate school). Contrastly, salvia has a really short duration. I hatched the idea Friday morning to dose that night. I would ensure I was going into a new chapter of my life, in a state of mental clarity.
After a somewhat awkward dinner with friends (ironically, someone in the group has seemingly developed an unreciprocated crush on me), I took a shower, cleansing my body (and hopefully mind as well) , promising I would reject all negativity once the faucet was shut off. I laid on my bed and grabbed my baggy, pipe, and torch. I had yet to try this new batch of 80x, so I cautiously laid only a tiny crumb onto the steel wool. Smoking, I felt more effects than expected; this might have been the first true 80x I’d received, so I proceeded with the increased potency in mind. I loaded up what I imagined to be a mild dose.
My attempts to keep myself calm are personified into these giant black waves in front of me; one at a time rises to cry out, “I can’t do this!” and I get that feeling of satisfaction being just around the corner. If I just embrace one, I’m promised the longing will be over. Salvia is so dysphoric, it’s just endless longing. Having developed an awareness of this fact only makes experiencing it first-hand more surreal. I am surrounded by logical succubi. I know better than to listen. Still the waves rise as the world around me is transformed into my own personal area of sally-space. It’s floral and full of entities, and more recently, the spirits of my friends. I keep forgetting I am alone in bed, I swear I am talking to loved ones, when it’s just my own thoughts.
And then the congealed time hits - a deja-vu so intense that in some ways, it makes all my trips feel equally intense - a bit like I am in all of my previous forays simultaneously. Memories of past trips are confused for the current one, or maybe I relive them?
I remember my first time in sally-space. When, I laid in bed for hours, redosing each time it wore off. What was that first trip? I thought I was in Tehran, and my bookshelf was a building, the silhouettes of furniture, streets, and my entire left side a tunnel where a woman’s echoing voice commanded me to look to my right. I would turn only to see my trash can, recalling that none of this was real, but I forgot it was fake, only to turn and realize again. It was so loud, I swear music was playing and a huge crowd of people were conversing around me. I started closing my eyes for the subsequent experiences. I was shocked when at the higher doses I got visuals as intense as DMT. Whether I was riding a roller coaster in a cavern spotted with crystal clusters and a not-so-nice massive worm riding on the rails next to me, or in an elevator being given a tour of a pristine garden maintained by machine-weevils, one thing is always the same.
The hate. Everybody around me is one wrong move away from attacking me.
The longing. Something is always off somehow and I’ve just got to do something to fix it.
Regardless of their highly diverse corporal form, all these creatures have the same personality. A facade of politeness and social order that thinly veils their actions of pure chaos and destruction.
I suppose that none of this was happening last friday; I was just remembering it - far more vividly than I can when sober. It felt really familiar. It was really hard to gauge when I was back to baseline enough to warrant taking more.
Salvia’s effects are pound for pound so much more mind warping than other psychedelics. I feel like dmt, lsd, etc. change the world around you much more than they change who you are, as an observer. (Not to pretend that high doses of psychedelics can’t mosaic your ego, too). But even low dose salvia has me confusing my thoughts for inanimate objects. Any sense of the sort of pleasure maximizing, pain minimizing thought process we take for granted is thrown into disarray with even a smidge of salvia. Maybe it's because the only thing that saves you from salvia is a universal policy of acceptance.
I load up a similar dose, and get effects more or less identical. This trip is way less plot oriented than normal, but much more delirious. I constantly discovered fundamental flaws in my view of reality. With eyes closed, I found myself tangled in a sea of personified and objectified cognition. That’s such a familiar feeling, I was suddenly back at the tail end of my trip a month ago.
That was really intense salvia. It was one of the many times I’ve used it in preparation for LSD the following day. I had little smidges before building up enough confidence to go for the gusto. During which I immediately forgot I was on a drug. Now, I was in a greenhouse with rows of tomato plants, my friend was with me, and said that I shouldn’t freak out. I agree, but secretly take note that some sort of deception is afoot. Reality continuously morphs into an overgrown cobblestone maze. It was so beautiful and so vivid. An archway contained a portal to a memory of the time I mixed weed and DOM. I don’t even know when it happened, but the entity was no longer my friend. I was aware of how important it was that I didn’t even acknowledge it, but the urge to walk over was really powerful. I successfully resisted the compulsion, still unaware of why I shouldn’t. A blur of confusion and being seriously convinced there were a group of friends with me eventually leads into the realization that I was just on drugs. Suddenly I’m very glad I didn’t get up and walk away. I saw a spacecraft docking into a psychedelic conveyor belt. The confusing haze persisted for so long, just like it did during the second dose last friday. The kaleidoscopic fog, shifting realities so complicated there are no words to describe them. My earlier salvia trips were so much more vivid, but in recent months they’ve been abstracting.
After this memory passed, I got up in the middle of the trip, barely able to keep reality straight and loaded the DMT pipe, operating under a bizarre storm of irony and dissociation. I seemed to find peace with the idea of giving the combination another go - I’d stick to a small dose this time. Of course, this was wishful thinking.
I also loaded up the salvia pipe while I was at it. I took a pull off the first pipe, then the second into what little space remained in my lungs. I held it in, the effects coming on really fast. The salvia’s longing was now complemented (though not covered up) with a feeling of euphoria and sensual warmth. Reality twisting into a vortex. My eyes shut on their own. I for a moment questioned how intense what was to follow would be. A rubbery, holographic yellow cavern formed around me tessellated with faces and snapshots from my memories, all glued together by a radiative sense of longing. I felt like I was physically protruding from the geometry to my right. I felt my body turning and twisting in exhilarating complexity and mathematical precision. This glowing golden cavern was the inside of an infinitely stellated star. Branches of myself were extending infinitely far away. They continuously orbited as I got a view through each of them like a telescope peering into the void. I traveled in this form rapidly skyward and then slowly descended like a shooting star. Above me were all my feelings about my academic performance projected into visual form. I saw how much potential for success I had, but how embarrassed I felt at my intellectual inferiority to my peers. I felt a sense of intense longing for an end to my endless failure. I supposed that I recognized it as part of the salvia’s involvement in the combination - again, the endless insatiable longing. Any attempt to resolve it, only makes things worse. It is a deception. I never forgot that I was on drugs.
The effects wore off a bit and I was back to the noisy delirium of before, albeit a more euphoric and colorful variety. I knew that my experience was not over, that I had to go up one last time.
I grabbed my dmt pipe and took a full lungfull. One beautiful hit, which I held in until I forgot I even had a body. I never do that - I like taking multiple short lungfuls. Now, I wonder if that’s wasteful, because I got earth-shattering effects from just the single toke.
I am filled with the most beautiful, sensual, erotic, and electric warmth. It was a total headrush. I see a pitch black void populated with these small stationary beams of rainbow light. A bit like aurora borealis. I completely forget I’m on a drug, and my entire reality is just this black void, a lot like 5-meo-dmt. I have no body, but it’s really pleasant.
Then everything comes back in an instance in the most gloriously neon fashion. A big bang of those same beams of light create a quiet and contemplative cityscape. Out of the blackness forms a rainbow wireframe of the inside of this massive skyscraper. I feel a sense of verticality - that I’m above the clouds. My memories and ego form a garden of rainbow plants that hug me like a blanket. I ponder my situation, realizing that I had just blacked out and was currently on dmt. I really enjoy riding the wave. Time passes really slowly as I drift across the room, viewing different perspectives of the geometry. I have no ability to open my eyes. That salvia-delirium from before is back. It’s more well formed this time and it fully reveals itself as a new dimension to the experience. It’s something new. It’s like my entire cognitive abilities are projected into physical space and I can perceive the connections of the web. I think about different parts of my life, and feel really optimistic for my future. I find that there’s something magical about the longing. That salvia isn’t just this dysphoric substance that offers some really wacky trips if you bear with the negatives. No, it is in its own way fascinating to watch how your brain seeks out resolution. I laid still for a solid 15 minutes waiting to come all the way down before calling my friends. I was totally sober within an hour.
The next day, I had a date with that lovely girl I'd just met. I had a wonderful time, so much so that after I walked her home I quietly wept tears of joy - it felt like the beginning of something special. I started working on a really complicated piece of art that I’d give her the next time we met. I felt so much optimism. Oddly enough, this monday, I saw the girl I had that crush on. I know that she’s flirted with me in the past. I know that she’s intentionally done things to try to spend time with me. I also know that she’s in a relationship already. But, then again I know it’s been struggling. Before, that gave me the impetus to try and make a move. It’s truly been an endless oscillation. When things started warming up between us once, I made an ass of myself in front of her. I aggressively told off the people around me for not calling out the statements of an out and about neo-nazi in our department. I stopped seeing her. I thought she thought I was a moron. But, then I ran into her again, and she was so enthusiastic. She excitedly said we just had to see each other more often. But then she went off the grid. And then, randomly I started seeing her again and that warmth returned. But then she just went off the grid for weeks, a second time. I get the impression that she struggles with depression. I heard she wasn’t even talking to her partner. During that blackout, I contemplated making a piece of art for her, to try and communicate that what was unspoken mattered to me a lot. Monday, I could tell that she was again interested in me - her intentionally studying in a building where she has no classes, but where we used to talk everyday. She enthusiastically waved at me when I saw her, despite having never responded to my texts from weeks ago. I smiled but didn’t speak. I was happy with the new direction. My perceptions of her teasing me were a fantasy, what I had with this new person was real. I felt longing for her and wanted to capitalize on her opening up again, but I stopped myself.
Yesterday, I got a text out of the blue that the new girl had put a lot of thought into it, but wanted to stay single. I knew what that meant. It means I’m just not attractive to her. That’s okay, but it stung at the moment; I really liked her. In my sorrow, I got no real work done yesterday, again failing in my classes. When will I find an equilibrium? Some sort of resolution in my life? Today I felt awful and hated the idea of working, so I spent all morning writing this. But then, in the middle of my ramblings, a text from my crush appeared on my phone. She wanted to see me. I felt terrible about the whole thing, and knew she was just playing with me, but I rushed over anyway. She had picked this serene, secluded spot for us. She looked so stunning. We spent hours just talking about life and friendships. I made her laugh a lot. She made it hard for me to maintain eye-contact. She revealed that when I chewed out that crazed nazi, and was so embarrassed that I worked from home for days, that actually she figured I was mad at her. It was the exact opposite. I, in a moment of weakness, gave her the drawing intended for the other girl. I suppose it was in a sense meant for her. I wondered if I was just taking that romantic gesture I had in mind for her and projected it onto someone else to show that I could move on. I can’t. I don’t know if I want to. I suppose there’s beauty in longing.
Last friday I mixed salvia with DMT, for a third time. Like both instances before, I went in planning to only take the former, but in my haze compulsively introduced the latter. It went well this time- keyword this time. The combination has freaked me out in the past. Since, the two potentiate each other, the salvia bringing narrative and the DMT color, what would be smaller doses of the two suddenly combine into a ego-shredding duet. This time, I really enjoyed it.
I have been single for almost an entire year, before then I was in the same relationship for 5 years. That relationship was full of psychedelic use. It became something we felt like we had to do to prove our bond. Frankly, It was a major source of stress. Not to mention it being long distance, among various other personal failures on my end. Being single has been both a blessing and a curse.
I’ve been enraptured by an ever-growing, largely unreciprocated crush for the past few months. But a few days before my trip, I matched with someone on Hinge. I was peeved by my recent performance in school, and frankly wasn’t looking forward to meeting them - having had nothing but bad experiences with dating apps thus far. But, we immediately hit it off. It felt like the beginning of something long term. My sadness quickly transformed into a deep feeling of hope. That sudden change in mental state both concerned and excited me - I had just spent the past weeks hopelessly obsessed with someone else.
I love psychedelics for their ability to reveal things about myself that I've become blind to. Unfortunately, most of them are a major time commitment (after all, I am incredibly swamped with graduate school). Contrastly, salvia has a really short duration. I hatched the idea Friday morning to dose that night. I would ensure I was going into a new chapter of my life, in a state of mental clarity.
After a somewhat awkward dinner with friends (ironically, someone in the group has seemingly developed an unreciprocated crush on me), I took a shower, cleansing my body (and hopefully mind as well) , promising I would reject all negativity once the faucet was shut off. I laid on my bed and grabbed my baggy, pipe, and torch. I had yet to try this new batch of 80x, so I cautiously laid only a tiny crumb onto the steel wool. Smoking, I felt more effects than expected; this might have been the first true 80x I’d received, so I proceeded with the increased potency in mind. I loaded up what I imagined to be a mild dose.
My attempts to keep myself calm are personified into these giant black waves in front of me; one at a time rises to cry out, “I can’t do this!” and I get that feeling of satisfaction being just around the corner. If I just embrace one, I’m promised the longing will be over. Salvia is so dysphoric, it’s just endless longing. Having developed an awareness of this fact only makes experiencing it first-hand more surreal. I am surrounded by logical succubi. I know better than to listen. Still the waves rise as the world around me is transformed into my own personal area of sally-space. It’s floral and full of entities, and more recently, the spirits of my friends. I keep forgetting I am alone in bed, I swear I am talking to loved ones, when it’s just my own thoughts.
And then the congealed time hits - a deja-vu so intense that in some ways, it makes all my trips feel equally intense - a bit like I am in all of my previous forays simultaneously. Memories of past trips are confused for the current one, or maybe I relive them?
I remember my first time in sally-space. When, I laid in bed for hours, redosing each time it wore off. What was that first trip? I thought I was in Tehran, and my bookshelf was a building, the silhouettes of furniture, streets, and my entire left side a tunnel where a woman’s echoing voice commanded me to look to my right. I would turn only to see my trash can, recalling that none of this was real, but I forgot it was fake, only to turn and realize again. It was so loud, I swear music was playing and a huge crowd of people were conversing around me. I started closing my eyes for the subsequent experiences. I was shocked when at the higher doses I got visuals as intense as DMT. Whether I was riding a roller coaster in a cavern spotted with crystal clusters and a not-so-nice massive worm riding on the rails next to me, or in an elevator being given a tour of a pristine garden maintained by machine-weevils, one thing is always the same.
The hate. Everybody around me is one wrong move away from attacking me.
The longing. Something is always off somehow and I’ve just got to do something to fix it.
Regardless of their highly diverse corporal form, all these creatures have the same personality. A facade of politeness and social order that thinly veils their actions of pure chaos and destruction.
I suppose that none of this was happening last friday; I was just remembering it - far more vividly than I can when sober. It felt really familiar. It was really hard to gauge when I was back to baseline enough to warrant taking more.
Salvia’s effects are pound for pound so much more mind warping than other psychedelics. I feel like dmt, lsd, etc. change the world around you much more than they change who you are, as an observer. (Not to pretend that high doses of psychedelics can’t mosaic your ego, too). But even low dose salvia has me confusing my thoughts for inanimate objects. Any sense of the sort of pleasure maximizing, pain minimizing thought process we take for granted is thrown into disarray with even a smidge of salvia. Maybe it's because the only thing that saves you from salvia is a universal policy of acceptance.
I load up a similar dose, and get effects more or less identical. This trip is way less plot oriented than normal, but much more delirious. I constantly discovered fundamental flaws in my view of reality. With eyes closed, I found myself tangled in a sea of personified and objectified cognition. That’s such a familiar feeling, I was suddenly back at the tail end of my trip a month ago.
That was really intense salvia. It was one of the many times I’ve used it in preparation for LSD the following day. I had little smidges before building up enough confidence to go for the gusto. During which I immediately forgot I was on a drug. Now, I was in a greenhouse with rows of tomato plants, my friend was with me, and said that I shouldn’t freak out. I agree, but secretly take note that some sort of deception is afoot. Reality continuously morphs into an overgrown cobblestone maze. It was so beautiful and so vivid. An archway contained a portal to a memory of the time I mixed weed and DOM. I don’t even know when it happened, but the entity was no longer my friend. I was aware of how important it was that I didn’t even acknowledge it, but the urge to walk over was really powerful. I successfully resisted the compulsion, still unaware of why I shouldn’t. A blur of confusion and being seriously convinced there were a group of friends with me eventually leads into the realization that I was just on drugs. Suddenly I’m very glad I didn’t get up and walk away. I saw a spacecraft docking into a psychedelic conveyor belt. The confusing haze persisted for so long, just like it did during the second dose last friday. The kaleidoscopic fog, shifting realities so complicated there are no words to describe them. My earlier salvia trips were so much more vivid, but in recent months they’ve been abstracting.
After this memory passed, I got up in the middle of the trip, barely able to keep reality straight and loaded the DMT pipe, operating under a bizarre storm of irony and dissociation. I seemed to find peace with the idea of giving the combination another go - I’d stick to a small dose this time. Of course, this was wishful thinking.
I also loaded up the salvia pipe while I was at it. I took a pull off the first pipe, then the second into what little space remained in my lungs. I held it in, the effects coming on really fast. The salvia’s longing was now complemented (though not covered up) with a feeling of euphoria and sensual warmth. Reality twisting into a vortex. My eyes shut on their own. I for a moment questioned how intense what was to follow would be. A rubbery, holographic yellow cavern formed around me tessellated with faces and snapshots from my memories, all glued together by a radiative sense of longing. I felt like I was physically protruding from the geometry to my right. I felt my body turning and twisting in exhilarating complexity and mathematical precision. This glowing golden cavern was the inside of an infinitely stellated star. Branches of myself were extending infinitely far away. They continuously orbited as I got a view through each of them like a telescope peering into the void. I traveled in this form rapidly skyward and then slowly descended like a shooting star. Above me were all my feelings about my academic performance projected into visual form. I saw how much potential for success I had, but how embarrassed I felt at my intellectual inferiority to my peers. I felt a sense of intense longing for an end to my endless failure. I supposed that I recognized it as part of the salvia’s involvement in the combination - again, the endless insatiable longing. Any attempt to resolve it, only makes things worse. It is a deception. I never forgot that I was on drugs.
The effects wore off a bit and I was back to the noisy delirium of before, albeit a more euphoric and colorful variety. I knew that my experience was not over, that I had to go up one last time.
I grabbed my dmt pipe and took a full lungfull. One beautiful hit, which I held in until I forgot I even had a body. I never do that - I like taking multiple short lungfuls. Now, I wonder if that’s wasteful, because I got earth-shattering effects from just the single toke.
I am filled with the most beautiful, sensual, erotic, and electric warmth. It was a total headrush. I see a pitch black void populated with these small stationary beams of rainbow light. A bit like aurora borealis. I completely forget I’m on a drug, and my entire reality is just this black void, a lot like 5-meo-dmt. I have no body, but it’s really pleasant.
Then everything comes back in an instance in the most gloriously neon fashion. A big bang of those same beams of light create a quiet and contemplative cityscape. Out of the blackness forms a rainbow wireframe of the inside of this massive skyscraper. I feel a sense of verticality - that I’m above the clouds. My memories and ego form a garden of rainbow plants that hug me like a blanket. I ponder my situation, realizing that I had just blacked out and was currently on dmt. I really enjoy riding the wave. Time passes really slowly as I drift across the room, viewing different perspectives of the geometry. I have no ability to open my eyes. That salvia-delirium from before is back. It’s more well formed this time and it fully reveals itself as a new dimension to the experience. It’s something new. It’s like my entire cognitive abilities are projected into physical space and I can perceive the connections of the web. I think about different parts of my life, and feel really optimistic for my future. I find that there’s something magical about the longing. That salvia isn’t just this dysphoric substance that offers some really wacky trips if you bear with the negatives. No, it is in its own way fascinating to watch how your brain seeks out resolution. I laid still for a solid 15 minutes waiting to come all the way down before calling my friends. I was totally sober within an hour.
The next day, I had a date with that lovely girl I'd just met. I had a wonderful time, so much so that after I walked her home I quietly wept tears of joy - it felt like the beginning of something special. I started working on a really complicated piece of art that I’d give her the next time we met. I felt so much optimism. Oddly enough, this monday, I saw the girl I had that crush on. I know that she’s flirted with me in the past. I know that she’s intentionally done things to try to spend time with me. I also know that she’s in a relationship already. But, then again I know it’s been struggling. Before, that gave me the impetus to try and make a move. It’s truly been an endless oscillation. When things started warming up between us once, I made an ass of myself in front of her. I aggressively told off the people around me for not calling out the statements of an out and about neo-nazi in our department. I stopped seeing her. I thought she thought I was a moron. But, then I ran into her again, and she was so enthusiastic. She excitedly said we just had to see each other more often. But then she went off the grid. And then, randomly I started seeing her again and that warmth returned. But then she just went off the grid for weeks, a second time. I get the impression that she struggles with depression. I heard she wasn’t even talking to her partner. During that blackout, I contemplated making a piece of art for her, to try and communicate that what was unspoken mattered to me a lot. Monday, I could tell that she was again interested in me - her intentionally studying in a building where she has no classes, but where we used to talk everyday. She enthusiastically waved at me when I saw her, despite having never responded to my texts from weeks ago. I smiled but didn’t speak. I was happy with the new direction. My perceptions of her teasing me were a fantasy, what I had with this new person was real. I felt longing for her and wanted to capitalize on her opening up again, but I stopped myself.
Yesterday, I got a text out of the blue that the new girl had put a lot of thought into it, but wanted to stay single. I knew what that meant. It means I’m just not attractive to her. That’s okay, but it stung at the moment; I really liked her. In my sorrow, I got no real work done yesterday, again failing in my classes. When will I find an equilibrium? Some sort of resolution in my life? Today I felt awful and hated the idea of working, so I spent all morning writing this. But then, in the middle of my ramblings, a text from my crush appeared on my phone. She wanted to see me. I felt terrible about the whole thing, and knew she was just playing with me, but I rushed over anyway. She had picked this serene, secluded spot for us. She looked so stunning. We spent hours just talking about life and friendships. I made her laugh a lot. She made it hard for me to maintain eye-contact. She revealed that when I chewed out that crazed nazi, and was so embarrassed that I worked from home for days, that actually she figured I was mad at her. It was the exact opposite. I, in a moment of weakness, gave her the drawing intended for the other girl. I suppose it was in a sense meant for her. I wondered if I was just taking that romantic gesture I had in mind for her and projected it onto someone else to show that I could move on. I can’t. I don’t know if I want to. I suppose there’s beauty in longing.
