I know. It IS too much. But doing it 9 times in 6 months is nowhere close to being way too much. It's too much, no doubt about that...
Okay, I'll put it this way. 9 times in six months is not way too much to you. Personally, knowing my own body and the way I react to E, to me anything more than maybe once every 4-6 months is way too much, and even that's pushing it. Everyone has a different opinion on what "way too much" really is for THEMSELVES and THEIR bodies, but at the end of the day, when you look at the way E rewires the brain, it's all relative.
...but I doubt that my serotonin levels are "so depleted right now it's not even funny". If this were true, I'd most probably be showing *some* signs of depression. Normally, I wouldn't hesitate to take some tonight... but given that I took some 2 weeks ago I'm wondering... But what I really want to know is if MDMA still fucked with my brain chemistry even though I felt nothing.
Is it like I took nothing at all or is it still the equivalent of if I had tripped balls?
The fact that you took what you're pretty positive was PURE MDMA and still felt nothing is proof in itself how depleted your serotonin already is. You felt nothing because there was no serotonin left for your brain to even release. That's why I'm saying that they're probably so depleted right now it's not even funny. No, it's not like you took nothing at all... it's actually kind of worse in a way, because the MDMA was struggling to produce serotonin that wasn't even there. The best way I can think of to describe this is that it would cause your serotonin count to go into the negatives (I know that's impossible, it's just the best analogy I could think of to describe what I mean lol.) It's not always true that you would show signs of depression if all of your serotonin levels were depleted. There are a number of different factors and chemicals and life circumstances that affect levels of depression. Maybe you just have a good life in general, or an outstanding amount of dopaminergic neurotransmitters. Or endorphins. Or oxytocin (which is more powerful than serotonin.) Just because you're not depressed doesn't mean your serotonin isn't depleted.
I know for a fact mine is, it's STILL working to repair itself (and it's been a long time since I took E), but I'm not depressed in the clinical term. The only way it seems to effect me is that I'm now far more emotional, impulsive, and I get depressed over life events that would only cause most people a day or two of feeling sad. And yes, I do know for a fact that I horribly depleted my serotonin levels.. both through DXM use and excessive use of E (and nope, I wasn't even taking it as often as you were. Just once a month, maybe every other month, for about a year and a half or so.) The first time I took E and everyone else around me was feeling it except for me, I didn't think much of it. Then it happened a second time and third time, and then I knew something was off. So I went to a doctor and a psychologist and basically found out I was on the brink of giving myself serotonin syndrome - my serotonin levels were completely and utterly shot. They wanted to put me on Prozac, but I said fuck that and wanted to go the natural route... I'm not trying to take ANOTHER drug to rewire my brain in a different way... I'd rather it heal on it's own, even if it takes longer. Although I'm not going to lie, I did use opiates to combat it for a while. But now I just exercise, eat a lot of carbs and protein, have sex as much as possible, and take fish oil, 5-HTP, and St Johns Wort supplements. It had been a few years and I was FINALLY feeling like I was getting back to normal so a few months ago I thought it would be okay to take E again. Horrible mistake. I didn't just feel "nothing"... I felt everything EXCEPT for the euphoria and normal E rush. I got the anxiety and nystagmus and grinding... just no urge to pet furry soft things or hug everyone in sight. Complete dysphoria. I almost felt numb, like I just didn't have any emotions at all, and I had to work hard to pretend I did so as not to kill my friends' highs. But everytime I laughed, it felt fake and empty. So I'm sure I set myself back quite a bit by doing that.
So trust me, it can happen, even on a smaller dose and more sparingly than you're taking it. Cause like I said, everyone's different. And if you're already taking PURE MDMA and not feeling anything.. well that's how it started for me and I wasn't even taking pure MDMA. So I hate to say it but it sounds like you're already kind of past the point of return. And if you're not already, you're probably just a pill away from being there. :/
I'm gonna' do some tonight. But after this I'm taking a long break. I know not to fuck with the machine up in my head too much and I have abused a bit.
Tell yourself that some people pop E every weekend... some even pop it like candy. I've been MUCH more respectful to my brain than that.
Thanks for all the advice, though. I appreciate it. And feel free to keep pitching in your opinions
Oh, I know. I know people who do it twice a freaking week!! And I'm always just like what the hell, how do you do that.. but just because you know people who do it more often than you doesn't change anything. Sure, they might be fucking with their brains to the point of no return, but that doesn't mean you're not doing your own type of damage. Everyone's body and mind and brain chemistry are different. So like I said earlier, doing it 9 times in 6 months COULD BE (not saying it is for sure) just as dangerous for you as it is to the people who pop pills like candy. I mean Jesus... that's two pills every other month, and one pill every other month. Something like that. The other thing is that despite the fact that you may know people who take it ALL of the time, like I said. It's all relative. Whether you take it once a year, once a month, or once a week, that doesn't change the chemical make-up of MDMA (and whatever other nasty shit is added to the pills that you may not know about), and the way it affects your brain.
And for sure, no problem.
Sorry if I'm coming off as crass or rude or whatever. I know it is mostly a matter of opinion. The only problem is that, with ecstasy, you don't realize the damage you've done or are doing, until it's too late. I'm glad to see that after this next roll you're going to be taking an extensive break though. You just gotta be really careful with the kinds of drugs that actually re-wire your brain, like literally, re-wire it. Stuff like benzos and opiates and E and etc. Well opiates don't exactly re-wire it... it's more like the brain just becomes lazy; it ceases to produce it's own chemicals and allows the opiates to take over for a while and act as a substitute for said. Just because it hasn't completely rewired it doesn't mean it's not still fucking with it. Do it long enough, and your brain will forget how to produce these things on it's own completely. It's the same thing with E... but worse, because it doesn't really depend on long-term use. Serotonin syndrome can happen the first time you take it or the 50th time, it just kinda hits you out of no where.
Just be safe! That's all I'm trying to get at
"Arabian Nights On Mescaline" is seriously one of my top favorite things to listen to while I'm high... of all time.