TDS sabotaging my life to force my suicide

[captainballs]

at some point probably around a decade or so ago, i began making a conscious choice at every fork in the road to strategically kill the parts of my life that would enable love-filled situations or even closeness with another human being, all for the purpose of building a package wherein suicide would progressively become the only option. i have had so many wonderful people come into my life, people who anyone, including myself, would easily grow happy with and build happy things with.

But for at least the past decade i have pushed them away so that suicide could be committed boldly, as i would have made my life so empty, cold, and embarassing, that it would follow naturally. Unfortunately, this morbid investment is yielding a life that is so staggering in its loneliness and fear that i dont even get to enjoy the safety net feeling that i imagine causes many people to habitually meditate on suicide.

i am here to say that i do not want to die like this, but that i am also afraid of attempting to rebuild myself. And that is the fear that i have consciously built by sabotaging my finances, friendships, and position within my own family. This fear was the goal, a specifically aimed version of the emotion, directed toward a future self who might not otherwise have enough motivation to follow through.

i am very sad that i have done this to myself because it is parallel to dying after being tortured - defeated deeply to the point that my humanity is a caricature of frantic fear mixed with a lack of dignity.

The caveat to this is that i have faith in myself, as do others. i am aware that my body and mind are capable of producing good things for others, whch in turn will build the emotional capital i need to construct a rich and fulfilling life.

what i need from you, my bluelight family that i have tears in my eyes now thinking about how much i cherish you all, are suggested first steps. please help me. i am at such a low point right now that i am extremely afraid of myself due to a veryd distinct possibility that i sometimes dont know whether or not i will impulsively follow through.

i am very afraid - thank you for reading and thank you for caring about me.

 

[RedLeader]

When I was in grade school, we read The Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge. This story really fucked with my head as a kid, and it has been in the back of my mind ever since.

For those who have not read it, a solder is hanged over a river, but the rope breaks and the story tells of his wild ride to freedom. But sadly it ends with the revelation that all of that was his last thoughts as he hung to die, and he was never free at all.

What a great story to summarize a chronic prisoner of depression! Honestly, I feel like I was born with a rope already around my neck (depression that is so fierce that one day I am gonna end it), and any length of happiness or warmth is just a silly fantasy, an escape from the reality that I never really had a chance. My imagination is capable of beauty, romance, success, and so on, but my actual body is a slave to the restraint of terminal depression.

Anyway, I gotta get back to sleep, but give me a call tomorrow if you wanna talk. I am here for ya, even if I don't have much more hope than you.

 

[captainballs]

RL, you should know that you are an integral part of why i am still alive right now - and the fact that someone you like and admire so much feels equally as gracious toward you, which i absolutely do, should make you feel like a king at least once in a while.

You and I do not have the cynical luxury anymore of pretending that the words posted on this screen are merely a base release of the more uncomfortable emotions we deal with.

You are here for me, and we are both setting examples as we post, with the message to others that not only are they not alone, but there are crucial friendships to be built within this foxhole.

For those of you who might be reading this and somewhat put off by Redleader and I apparently showing off some sort of exclusive relationship, don't be. I don't even have to ask him because I know we want to be your friend, too, and receive your inane texts at 3 am and hear you at your happiest as well as saddest moments.

Why?

Because if you are here and you think you are weak because you are too sensitive to emotional pain, I want you to know that your ability to feel is a gift that saves other people. Not only that, but by working through our problems together we can discover your talents once some of the weight ia lifted off your shoulders. And no one can predict how awesome life would be if all of our talents worked together.

 

[FULLofSTARS]

what i need from you, my bluelight family that i have tears in my eyes now thinking about how much i cherish you all, are suggested first steps.

I had the same problem of following self-destructive patterns (still have, to a lesser extent though). I started therapy 4 years ago and it helped me a lot. First step is to identify reasons why you are doing this to yourself. Maybe you think you don't deserve a happy life, maybe you want to punish yourself for something or maybe you are so afraid of failure that you choose to fail at everything in the begginning in order to avoid mental pressure and stress. That last one reason was my problem. If you know the root cause then you can implement tactics to try to escape from the pattern, letting the guard down, letting other people closer, healthy stress relief methods, etc.

 

[junglejuice]

It's crazy that we spoke earlier today about this without me ever seeing this thread. I just wanted to pop in and leave some love. I'll post more when I'm at an actual computer

 

[junglejuice]

S-

You and I have bantered on and off for years but have become good friends in the last couple, and I've gotten to know you pretty well. Before I even talked directly to you, I always held you in such high regard for being a smart, witty, clever person. When we first started talking, it sounded like you had your stuff together fairly well. A job, etc. We've both had our troubles in the last couple years (understatement), but one thing that always struck me was this self-imposed destructive streak of almost proactively fucking things up.

I don't get it, man. You are too good for this shit. You are too good of a person with too much potential to fall into this trap. Don't think that it's something that you can will your way out of because that's what clever people like us try to do and the disease of addiction is infinitely more clever than we are because it turns that aspect of our brains around on ourselves. It didn't work out for me, it's not going to work out for you, and this line of thinking kills people every year. You and I both have a chronic, progressive fatal illness that requires management. It sucks, but we do get better.

You ask about first steps to take. You need to take these steps without thinking about them. Just do them.

Pick up the phone and call your local AA Intergroup at (713) 686-6300. Speak to someone on the line there and tell them how you feel and they you need someone to take you to a meeting. That line is staffed 24/7 by addicts/alcoholics in recovery. People in the program WILL step up and get you to one. Introduce yourself in that meeting, and get phone numbers. Get to know people. These are people that have what you want, which is relief from this excruciating pain of addiction that has you over the barrel right now. You need support. You need people in your life that don't revolve around financial transactions and nodding off into space.

I am doing this in a highly public nature because it's do or die time, man. That's not a cute saying, that's actually saying that if you don't take some solid steps here, you are going to die. You posted up here and this response is tough love. You only get a few opportunities to really seize upon a moment of clarity and get sober, and this is one. This is the closest that I've seen you get to taking action on this and you just need to take a couple steps and let others help. I'm sick of having to be pleasantly surprised that you are still alive after we don't talk for a little while. I'd rather that it just kind of be taken for granted that you are ok.

Pick up that fucking phone, make that call, and get your ass into a meeting. Spill your guts and people WILL step up with support. You need to change everything, man. You don't have time or money for an inpatient rehab stay, and you will not do well in jail or prison. You need to see that you are at rock bottom. Stop digging, man.

I will be pestering you non-stop as to what actions you are taking on this because I fucking care, man.

Believe that.

As for anyone who reads this thread and wants to pipe up with a negative opinion about AA, fuck you. I'm not telling him to pick up a big book and memorize it or start working the steps. I am telling my friend that he needs to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to get in contact with a solid local group of sober people who care about his wellbeing and AA is amazing for that. It's a lifeline that will pull you out of deep water and give you a place to rest. You always have the option to jump back off and try your luck, but the sheer relief is life-changing, and if you actually introduce yourself and get numbers, you will never be without a sober person to call or hang out with. That's fact.

This post is a little more intense than my usual output because it means that much to me.

You know I'm not talking abstract theory here too, I've been there.

Stay in touch, and don't forget the promise you made me.

Make the call. Now