So, I am 59 now. I first came to BL in 2001. At that time, I was still a hardcore drug user and writing was my favorite pastime. Well now mom is 80 years old and she went downhill all at once. She is in a rehab/nursing home. It makes me very angry that she has to tolerate being incontinent, not being able to walk, plus reduced mental capacity. She was always a strong woman and a major go-getter. She was able to buy this half-acre home/lot that has been a part of my life since 1977. I never expected to own a home. This was due to low wages, drug use, and zero desire to deal with property tax, homeowners insurance, and house maintenance. So what happened was mom went downhill much too fast. I'm not sure if this illness will take her life or leave her permanently disabled, but now I'm the one in charge of the house. I got thrown into all of the responsibilities of this house, paying it's bills with no former training in how to do so. It's plain weird taking care of the house with no mom in sight. She's only 5 minutes away, but this has thrown me for a loop and made me sad. There is no way I will tolerate not being able to walk as well as having no control over my bodily functions. NA talks about living life on life's terms, but right now as far as I'm concerned it's terms are unfuckingacceptable. I will do the best I can to hold onto this house for mom, but I can't help thinking my time is coming up next. I figure I have another ten years left in me, and I'm fine with that. I'd rather die in ten years than be forced to deal with what mom is dealing with. I know this is a depressing post, but I had to get it out. I have to periodically fight the sadness that threatens to overtake me. I will probably share about this in my Narcotics Anonymous meeting tonight.
