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Ruining my life

D

daveykronick

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 3, 2009
Messages
119
Location
Pacific North Western, United States
I have been an addict all my life. That is just the way my brain works. Ever since a child I couldn't stop doing things I liked and got very sucked in. Computers, card games, skateboarding, eating, reading and watching tv/movies were my first addictions. My father was an alcoholic my whole life (he passed away in April 2011 RIP DADDY). I started experimenting with pharmaceuticals around the age of 13. I was suicidal and heavily depressed. I had just quit the love of my life, which was skateboarding because it wasn't fun anymore. Nothing was fun, so I told myself this is it, drugs or death and you all know what I chose..

At first it was all fun and games. I started with ritalin and vicodin. Harmless pills I thought, but I liked the effects and soon I would take any drug I could get. I was prescribed clonazepam at 13 for anxiety along with a host of ssri's which did nothing to help my condition. By the time I was 14 I was smoking weed every chance I could, drinking every weekend and taking any pills or anything else I could get my hands on. I did that until I got arrested at 15 for marijuana possession (which was my DOC then). Since I could not smoke I stupidly decided to trick my doctors into prescribing me ADHD pills starting with dexedrine. It was stupidly easy to do. So this is when I experienced true addiction. Taking dexedrine, or ritalin or adderall for ADHD, taking clonazepam for anxiety and ambien to sleep. ALL prescribed by the SAME shrink. Little did he know he was turning me into a raging drug addict.

I tried every drug I could from 14 till now, almost a decade later. I have fried my brain from the constant speed abuse, benzo abuse and abuse of MDMA and ecstasy tablets. I have dabbled in methamphetamine which I have managed to keep to a dozen or so times about but I can't stop thinking about >snip< it. I used heroin as much as I could get it from 19 to 23. I started drinking hardcore at 21 after my dad passed. I have been on subutex or suboxone since 20. I have done every drug commonly available in the mean time and many many rc's and obscure chems and I AM NOT PROUD. I am ashamed of my damn self. I have ruined my life. I was a bright, young mind full of promise. Full of dreams and ideas and creativity. Now I can barely form a sentence together.

It has gotten really bad since my Dad passed in 2011. I have been drinking every day since besides 2 stints in rehab and 1 in detox, plus all the self-detoxes and attempts to quit. I just got out of a sober house christian rehab place because I had gotten into a work program but I was withdrawing from etizolam and clonazepam so bad that I couldn't work or sleep. They kicked me out. That was a blessing because 4 out of my 5 roommates were shooting heroin almost daily and I found syringes in several dresser drawers belonging to my roommate.

I got home about 2 weeks ago. I was doing great for 3 days or so. Then my etizolam came and I blacked out when mixing it with alcohol. I broke things, cursed out my mother and family members and just acting completely unlike my loving self. It is horrible. I passed out drunk as hell on the toilet for 30 minutes with my pants down and my brother and mother had to help me get up and it took them half an hour. I can't stop drinking even after this and got caught once again. I started shooting my subutex in hopes I could get a glow again but that didn't work for shit. I messed up my arms pretty bad because my technique sucks and I missed a little, shit I'm happy to still have both my arms. I shot and smoked bowls of meth when my mom kicked me out and put myself into very dangerous situations.

Luckily in the midst of all this my Dad's cousin (I call him Uncle) responded to an email my mother sent pleading for help. He told us about a great facility in Poland that is 15 months and they have a detox unit. It is free for all Polish citizens but I do not have my citizenship yet. It is around 1,000$ a month and we can't afford it but my Mom says she will do whatever it takes to save me and my Uncle is going to ask everyone in the family to chip in. I hope I can get my citizenship shortly after I get there so I don't have to have everyone pay for it. The program looks awesome. There will be sports, sailing, hiking, etc and helping other struggling addicts. They have 4 shrinks on site and doctors. I am so excited!!! I am just bummed about the bill but I know my Mom isn't going to agree to ibogaine treatment since it's a drug.. So this is my best bet.
Before this I was thinking on going on methadone.. and I was ready to give up my life and be a slave to the liquid forever. Now I have hope and I need to prove everyone wrong and prove to myself I am worth something again.

Please wish me luck. I have to do it this time or I will lose my family and (true) friends forever.. This is my last shot. If I somehow screw this up I am back on the streets and I am going to progress to theft and crime to pay for my habit (which I haven't done yet aside from some alleged small scale distribution). I need this and I need a God in my life. I am not a true believer but I believe in something. I just need to be guided.

God Bless,
Daveet
 
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HA.. i just got that name.. hey Daveet. sounds like you have come to the end of pleasurable use? drugs can take a toll on or brains but contrary to what they used to believe, the brain is allot better at healing itself than they thought. However similar to a week or damaged muscle you will have to work your brain out to see the noticeable positive results. You will also have to stop with the drugs in order for this process to be beneficial.. It also seems that you are approximately twenty three, I would bet that there are BLtrs that can attest to the fact that ones mental function can come back from alarmingly heavy and long drug use.. again the first key is to get yourself clean for a decent length of time.

You say that you have attended rehabs before, and have drank every single day besides. Rehabs do not cure people, period. It is up to the person who attends the rehabs to put in the effort while attending and more important afterward. When you originally went to the rehabs how did you progress against your addiction. Addiction is a "disease" that is able to be overcome, and an addict is then able to make their life as peaceful and amazing as they want, do we have to deal with stuff, yeah.. but the key is learning how to deal with stuff.

From what you say this rehab sounds good, I like the fact that they have psychiatrists (the same drs that you somewhat blame for your addiction after stating that you fooled them into giving you the prescriptions you desired, so who is responsible there.. just something to think about) because then hopefully they can help address the underlying reason use was so appealing to you, and i like the length as this will give you a good amount of time to change the way you think and will allow you to start to do the necessary thing needed to heal the wounds caused by your addiction.. but in the end the person that determines weather or not you are able to emerge victorious over this and live a peaceful existence will be YOU<3 so at least it is in your hands. So if i were you I would go at this with all I had, I would "swallow the pill"..

I would look at this as your last chance, as it may be:\ addictis that reach the point you are at die from this all the time:! Others, that are unable or unwilling to figure out "whatever it takes", and do it.. often wish they were dead:(. So please go into this great opportunity you have with everything you got.. there is nothing to lose by doing this, your life with use in it won't get any better, on the contrary it will get much much worse. Homeless, families, penniless, using any and all substances, substances that no longer give you any pleasure at all, and doing horrible things to get them is the proverbial rock bottom, there is no need to go there, "the bottom of any whole is where you stop digging" dont you think this may be a good time to stop digging? is there anything at all good left, what a little meth rush, couple seconds of a little pleasure followed by all the inbetween time spent in hell:?.

You have an amazing opportunity here, you havn't broken anything in your mind or with your family that can't be fixed if you work on it.. your not even close to hopeless=D so dont even tell yourself those lies.. You have the opportunity to make a turn and start to live in the sun, you can have a whole new life!!! all you have to do is to go into this with all you have, take what you learn and expand on it, if something seems to work a little look at why it works, find other things that are like that help or work better, take charge of your future.

Learn how addiction works, if there is individual counseling at the rehab use it to dive into addiction and figure out what it is, if you know what it is and how it works, its illusions will no longer work, you will be able to see right through it, they will still come up, but it will be like watching a magic trick that you know how its done and the addiction will loose it power. If you are able to see through addiction then no other part of the world will be able to manipulate you. you will be free of your addiction but what will be even more amazing is that you will truly be free8o.

Please take a minute and look at the amazing opportunity you have, you are at the doorway to a whole new life. Remember that no rehabilitation facility cures us, they just point us in the direction we need to start travelling to cure ourselves.

I wish you the very best in your fight, you can do this, and you are the only one that can:D<3
 
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Sorry for the loss of your father. Hope that you can get your life going in the right direction. Sounds like you have some people who still care about you and want to help you. That is a good thing.
 
You're not alone.

Chapter 5
HOW IT WORKS
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of be ing honest with themselves. There are such unfortu nates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasp ing and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it—then you are ready to take certain steps.
At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
Remember that we deal with alcohol—cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power—that One is God.
May you find Him now!
Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the
turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.
Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery:
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol— that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than our selves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory
of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another
human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all
these defects of character.
7. HumblyaskedHimtoremoveourshortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and
became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure
them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when
we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to im prove our conscious contact with God as we un derstood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Many of us exclaimed, “What an order! I can’t go through with it.’’ Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like per fect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.
Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:
(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have re lieved our alcoholism.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought.

http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/

good luck brother. peace love and light to you <3
 
thank you guys so much for all your replies. all made sense and made me question my current beliefs. i love this forum for the support. i have been dipping in and out of 12 step meetings since 15 and took it somewhat seriously in the last few months (otherwise I wouldn't have moved countless miles away just to do 12 step treatment. my problem starts in my childhood as most of you guessed and i am trying to come to terms with it all. i have to say i feel so damn blessed to have this opportunity! i have to call the director in 4 hours and my mom thinks i will fuck it up as i have drank today but i have only drank enough to ease the intense adrenaline and anxiety ( I know this no excuse) but I know I will do it this time. after rehab last time i only used heroin 4x ( in over 2 years!!) instead of 2-4x a month which i considered chipping at the time, which i was drinking daily and smoking as much pot as possible and taking mdma and cocaine. i really am sick of it all. i want THIS and NOW! i am quite excited to see the Polish (my parents emigrated in 1989) approach. I just hope they can detox me off 1mg of sub daily (sometimes more). but i got this and I know it will be a good experience no matter what because I want to live in Poland. fuck the united states (despite how great it is compared to other countries) I just cant help but notice all these false flag events (sandy hoax, 9/11, Boston marathon, etc) as being detrimental to my mental health.... sorry to blow your mind but the states are slowly becoming a Nazi-state. don't take my political views into account and just know that i have done everything available to me and I want out. I want out NOW! luckily I am fortunate to have family (who has never known of my disease) to help me out thru the beginning of this until i get citizenship. i am so damn blessed its not even funny. if you are well off and still thinking of treatment, then stop thinking, its yours if you want it. i know how embarrassing it can be but if you need help to survive ASK FOR IT!!!! I am just praising GOD for the generosity of my family!!!
 
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Unfortunately upon further research and discussion with the program manager, I won't be able to attend due to being on the clonazepam and buprenorphine. I have gotten my bupe dose down to 1-2mg a day and my clonazepam to 1-2mg a day as well. I am going to continue to taper the bupe and try to do a taper on my own, which will be: 0.5mg, 1mg, 1mg, 0.5mg, 1mg, 1mg, 0.5mg, 1mg, 1mg, 1mg, 0.5mg, 0.5mg, 1mg, 0.5mg, 0.5mg, 0.5mg, 0.5mg, 0.5mg, 0.25mg, 0.5mg, 0.25mg, 0.25mg, 0.5mg, 0.25mg, 0.25mg, 0.25mg, 0.25mg, 0.25mg, 0.125mg, 0.125mg, 0.25mg, 0.125mg, 0.125mg, 0.125mg, 0.25mg, 0.125mg, 0.125mg, 0.125mg, 0.125mg, 0.125mg, 0mg, 0mg, 0.125mg, 0mg, 0mg, 0.125mg, 0mg, 0mg, 0mg, 0.125mg, 0mg. I don't know if this is the right way to taper or how I got those numbers so if anyway has any experience please chime in.

I am not giving up, my Uncle is now looking for detox centers in Poland and I will have to go to another program. I am just worried they won't know how to taper me correctly off the subutex and it will be a long and miserable kick, but I gotta have faith in the Polish doctors. I am very nervous about the whole thing but I know I can do this and today I even went to the corner store where I usually buy booze and I just bought pepto-bismol and cigarettes, snus, and grean tea. Which for me was a huge accomplishment. I know I really want it this time.

Thanks for reading.
 
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A lot of people suggest that you go to 90 meetings in 90 days. Maybe try that while you are waiting to hear about Poland?
 
I wasn't going to post since I am new but it sounds like my life. I have been an addict too for most of my life and a functioning addict at that.
You can do this if you are really tired of this. I had to be really tired of the old life and wanted something different. Not to say that I don't get twinges of wanting to go back to the old life. That will never leave me, I have used for so long. I have to surround myself with clean people who really know me and they help me get my sticking thinking back on track.

Be careful with the rapid bup taper, it is a long acting drug and it can take 5 days before it is all out of your system a least for me, it took that long. Give meetings a try and try lots of meeting until you feel comfortable with the people there and hang out after and before the meeting. I find the meeting before the meeting and the one after better for me!!
 
I appreciate the replies. I was going to at least 5 meetings a week, more often 2-3 per day up until I got back to my hometown (where I am now). This is because I always run into people in this small city and I don't have the resolve or will to say no to them. I tried an NA meeting but it was garbage and everyone besides me and a couple people were there just to please courts and parole/probation officers. I miss the meetings I was going to where I was living at a couple months ago. But another part of my really hates meetings. I hate that you basically have to become addicted to AA or NA and switch it out for your addiction. I also find a lot of close-minded people at AA and NA. Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of great people in the meeting rooms as well, who would love to help but I am not ready to ask perfect strangers for help quite yet. The thing I hate about 12 step meetings is all the cliques and I hate the concept of clean time and how you are treated differently depending on how long you have. I wish they had SMART recovery meetings here but its too new of a thing and this town is too small, but they have meetings online so I am going to start doing those again, just for the support.

I dosed 0.5mg bupe (subutex) today and my pupils are pretty small so I know I am not in any kind of real withdrawal but I just don't feel much of anything (probably because I haven't taken my clonazepam yet). I just need to change my attitude because ever since I was 13 I thought there was a pill for every ill, a fix for every problem. I still think this way and I still believe if I was just on another medication (i.e. methadone) or group of medications then I would feel happy again. I realize there is more to it than that and I need some cognitive behavioral therapy and try to find the root of my depression, anxiety and panic, because drugs are only a symptom of these problems. I also suffer from several painful ailments that affect my gastro-intestinal track, bladder and prostate. I feel like I am too young to have these problems (at 23) and they developed in my teens, getting bad right around 18 which is when I started to self-medicate with opiates. So hopefully I can find a solution to this mess because sometimes I feel like I've gone too far and my only hope is to take methadone for the rest of my life, but I wanna give detox and rehab another shot and if that fails I can always go on methadone again.
 
One has to continue to do the work in 12 steps if he wants to stay sober. However, you don't have to be addicted to meetings. The reason for having meetings is so that newcomers know where to go. People with long term sobriety aren't dependent on meetings like you are dependent on drugs. They go to meetings because they like helping others and gain something from them.

If you don't like NA, why not AA? It certainly sounds like you qualify. Also, you are on here asking strangers for help and you were about to move to Poland to get help from strangers. One last thing is this, what may seem like a clique to you is probably a group of people who are great friends and like sharing sobriety together. They are leery about letting junkies (who are active in their addictions) into their lives. We all have been around drugs plenty and know exactly what drugs addicts are like when they are using. We left drugs for a reason and don't want that shit around anymore. If you want friends in sobriety you have to be sober. Otherwise you won't get anywhere.

There is however hope. If you go to meetings every day, get a sponsor, do the steps, and stay sober, your entire life will change. You will meet great friends who care about you. Your family will respect you again. And you will barely ever think about using. If you ever want to talk shoot me a PM with your # and I'll call you as soon as I can.

peace and love
 
Like I said before it is just my small town that I have truly expierenced the clique like behavior, though I know it exists in other places. When I was up in the town I got clean in they welcomed me with open arms even at 7 days sober. I had to leave there due to my roommates using and I wasn't able to afford to stay. The town I live in now is quite clique-like itself to be honest, the schools, etc, and it is more of an uppercrust small city and I don't have a lot of money. I know there are great people even at the AA here and I should give it another chance, I have just had bad experiences and the last time I actually went I ran into someone I used with and we ended up ditching the meeting and getting spun. Which I know is my own fault but I will definitely be doing 12-step in Poland and if I was still in the city I got clean or even just a brand new city I would be hitting the meetings. I do dislike a lot of them though and I have noticed that a lot of people DO switch out AA for their drug and they even say so in meetings, these people live and breathe AA and are big book thumpers. There are many paths to sobriety and AA is just one of those. I am not hating on AA at all. It's not my favorite, but it's definitely worth another shot, I just must make sure I avoid certain meetings so I don't run into actively using ex-friends who are in the program. Also, I am asking strangers on here for advice because I trust the members of this forum. Many of them have quite a bit of imformation, some more than doctors. So I think getting all the information I can is a good step. Hope that didn't come off defensive. I might have to take you up on that PM sometime. Right now I've just been doing SMART recovery and it has kept me as sober as I was in AA, which isn't completely but it has definitely brought the level and duration of use and boozing down. Thanks for reading. God bless.
 
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