*phew* it's been awhile.
::Rug Burn::
It's another lazy Sunday afternoon
Thick walls of heat prevent me
From venturing outside these four walls,
So I find solace sitting in this
Uncomfortable chair, as an overworked
Circulating fan tries desperately
To take in the humid air from outside
And turn it into something, at the least,
Slightly comforting.
I drop my cigarette into an empty beer
Bottle by my side and look into my hands,
Holding the imaginary card I'm to send
To my father, on this, another Hallmark holiday,
And I feel like shit. 21 years spent
And I can't judge the effort put forth,
But I have this overwhelming feeling that
I've let him down again, and I just wish he knew
That I'm not screwing him over again,and
That I was wrong to jump so fast to
"Leave it all behind" all the while knowing
That the past 21 years have served as blocks
Building the person I am today.
And that throwing it all away would just
Serve to be abandoning myself.
Sitting here, in front of this computer
Taking long pauses between key strokes,
Staring at the outlaying background of
My own design, surrounded by turntables,
Bassbins, empty cigarette packs and beer bottles.
I light another cigarette, in hopes that
It will re-ignite that spark that made me
Decide to pour my heart into this machine.
It seems there is something eating me from inside.
The most horrible gnawing feeling I've ever known,
That this will be read and understood by eyes and mind
As just another stupid game, and a plee for sympathy.
A call for attention..
After all, you know me so well..
Right?
Wrong.
Three short months out of 21 long years..
Doesn't seem like much now, does it?
The fact of the matter remains is that
I still can't let go, and as I sat here,
In the same uncomfortable chair two days ago,
Freezing my brain into euphoria, as cartridges
marked "Do not inhale" lay scattered on these
Dirty planks of varnished wood, all I could
Think about was you.. to love but lose is
Better than to have never loved at all..
And I guess I've realized that, and I guess
I've realized that I still love you,
Because love doesn't have to be intimate, and
You don't have to hold someone in your arms or
Romance them, or shower them with kisses and
Cheesy phrases, or to stare into their eyes
For hours to love them.. there is no true single
Kind of love.
Whether you realize it or not, I still do care
About you, as a person, as someone I came to
Know a little bit about, because I don't and
Never will know it all.. but I still love
What I do know, and noone can ever take that
Away from me.
Seems to be a common theme, jumping the gun.. again,
So fast to write you off, because you hurt me,
And I wanted the pain to go away, a quick fix,
And I was wrong... Control.. so concerned about
Control, that when I went down swinging, I begged
And pleaded for another chance at bat, completely
Ignoring that it wasn't my chance anymore, that
You were in control of what would happen, and I
Couldn't deal with it.. I hated it, and I hated
You for it.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I followed my first impulse,
And since that moment I hit that button marked "send"
I knew I fucked up, and it left me with a feeling
Much like a rug burn.. and it still stings,
And it probably always will.. guess that's what
I get, huh? Everything in life is a lesson,
And life is learning.. looking back..
I never wanted to learn like this.
::Rug Burn::
It's another lazy Sunday afternoon
Thick walls of heat prevent me
From venturing outside these four walls,
So I find solace sitting in this
Uncomfortable chair, as an overworked
Circulating fan tries desperately
To take in the humid air from outside
And turn it into something, at the least,
Slightly comforting.
I drop my cigarette into an empty beer
Bottle by my side and look into my hands,
Holding the imaginary card I'm to send
To my father, on this, another Hallmark holiday,
And I feel like shit. 21 years spent
And I can't judge the effort put forth,
But I have this overwhelming feeling that
I've let him down again, and I just wish he knew
That I'm not screwing him over again,and
That I was wrong to jump so fast to
"Leave it all behind" all the while knowing
That the past 21 years have served as blocks
Building the person I am today.
And that throwing it all away would just
Serve to be abandoning myself.
Sitting here, in front of this computer
Taking long pauses between key strokes,
Staring at the outlaying background of
My own design, surrounded by turntables,
Bassbins, empty cigarette packs and beer bottles.
I light another cigarette, in hopes that
It will re-ignite that spark that made me
Decide to pour my heart into this machine.
It seems there is something eating me from inside.
The most horrible gnawing feeling I've ever known,
That this will be read and understood by eyes and mind
As just another stupid game, and a plee for sympathy.
A call for attention..
After all, you know me so well..
Right?
Wrong.
Three short months out of 21 long years..
Doesn't seem like much now, does it?
The fact of the matter remains is that
I still can't let go, and as I sat here,
In the same uncomfortable chair two days ago,
Freezing my brain into euphoria, as cartridges
marked "Do not inhale" lay scattered on these
Dirty planks of varnished wood, all I could
Think about was you.. to love but lose is
Better than to have never loved at all..
And I guess I've realized that, and I guess
I've realized that I still love you,
Because love doesn't have to be intimate, and
You don't have to hold someone in your arms or
Romance them, or shower them with kisses and
Cheesy phrases, or to stare into their eyes
For hours to love them.. there is no true single
Kind of love.
Whether you realize it or not, I still do care
About you, as a person, as someone I came to
Know a little bit about, because I don't and
Never will know it all.. but I still love
What I do know, and noone can ever take that
Away from me.
Seems to be a common theme, jumping the gun.. again,
So fast to write you off, because you hurt me,
And I wanted the pain to go away, a quick fix,
And I was wrong... Control.. so concerned about
Control, that when I went down swinging, I begged
And pleaded for another chance at bat, completely
Ignoring that it wasn't my chance anymore, that
You were in control of what would happen, and I
Couldn't deal with it.. I hated it, and I hated
You for it.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I followed my first impulse,
And since that moment I hit that button marked "send"
I knew I fucked up, and it left me with a feeling
Much like a rug burn.. and it still stings,
And it probably always will.. guess that's what
I get, huh? Everything in life is a lesson,
And life is learning.. looking back..
I never wanted to learn like this.
that guy over there stole her *cries* ~
