Roosters and Roses

[TJ5]

8/22/05
Roosters and Roses

Well here love, sorry it's not much
I'd just as soon give u more
Than just roosters
And roses blood red

A compliant toddler too
If not for him, I'd have not
A single dent to lend you...
While u ponder & dream of ur favor flavors

All overpopulated, but they have spare beds
Lay ur head upon Mars 2nite when u sleep
And dream a dream of me
Put it in the arrow shaped tin

I'll wear it so I'll feel u
And know where uve been
Til then sweet dreams you represent
Of aged and youths of excess spent

Back 2 my arms some day....
If? When? How? Cursed to pay the vile rent
On excessive woodstain u and ur boyfriend
Frivalously spent so giggles come forth...

To go north?
Healing is the answer love
Never fear the force.....

 

[ForEverAfter]

I like the first two stanzas

Well here love, sorry it's not much
I'd just as soon give u more
Than just roosters
And roses blood red

A compliant toddler too
If not for him, I'd have not
A single dent to lend you...
While u ponder & dream

It flows really well despite the lack of rhyme. None of it is forced and the language is unique. Then you start throwing rhymes in.

flavor/favors.
bed/head,
represent/spent/rent/spent.
forth/north/force.

The rhymes cause the poem to deteriorate. You can't change the rhyme scheme back and forth randomly. It doesn't work. If you're going to make it a rhyming poem, chose a rhyme scheme and stick to it. Personally, I'd recommend keeping it in the style of the first two stanzas... Particularly the first...

Well here love, sorry it's not much
I'd just as soon give u more
Than just roosters
And roses blood red

Was a really promising beginning: it's a shame to tarnish it with rhymes and SMS language - like "2nite" instead of tonight, and "u" instead of you; it deserves better.

 

[TJ5]

Huh? Hold the phone, I don't remember posting this bad boy recently! I did post it apparently back in 2010, but not since. In fact I haven't been on BL (at least to write anything in words) in ages--either that or I'm completely senile. As for the writing, ok appreciate honest feedback, but when I write, my rule is that there are no rules. I wrote how I felt at the time, but if I didn't, I'd never have written at all, as I'd get too inhibited and hung up on rules. I have way better poetry than that, obviously some are way better than others, but I don't recall entering that poem in any contest or on words! I haven't had the motivation to post squat other blog entries-which have been few and far between. As for your observation of my shorthand of "u" vs. "you," I get what you're saying, but regretfully have had precious little time or motivation being tied down by full time responsibilities. I miss those days where writing was my number one priority & wasn't restrained by rent, full time work, had alot more freedom--and the luxory of editing and inserting the "proper" way. It's driving me nuts still as to how the hell that old poem got posted?

 

[ForEverAfter]

Apologies.