Rock Poetry(Open for critique and tearing apart)

[New]

Ok, I like rock music. I like it's structure and how it conveys a mood. So I wrote this. I attempted to capture the honesty and some of the theatrics of a rock show.

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I’m stuck in my suburbia
The world is my tab
My guitar is my keyboard
And my fans all spit and stab
I cannot see the forest
For the ever present trees
My whole life is one big goal
No steps, no stairs, no inching forward in life for me!

There’s music in my soul
But only for your eyes
Woven truths in pixels
While my lyrics are my lies
The ladies seem to leave
When I’m running to their way
But I’ve got my own right love
It’s writing – for today!

Alright ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for a word solo…well, here goes!

Stuck here - strumming near
Feelin queer – need a beer
Drinkin fizz – Now the quiz
Of cute blonde – or feisty frizz
Hatin life – stuck in life
Not my life…I HATE MY LIFE!!!!

The symphonies composed in hate
Just sound so distorted to my
Ears I tuned to look for
Opportunity….

Well then…!

There’s music in my soul
But only for your eyes
Woven truths in pixels
While my lyrics are my lies
The ladies seem to leave
When I’m running to their way
But I’ve got my own right love
It’s writing – for today!

 

[atrocious]

I actually just sung that aloud, but it came out more blues then rock to me. It could be read like Bobby Dylan, Papa Roach, Led Zeppelin, White Stripes, Son House, etc.

I thought the weakest part is :

The symphonies composed in hate
Just sound so distorted to my
Ears I tuned to look for
Opportunity….

It takes several readings to really become comfortable with the metaphor there. I also get turned off by 'in hate'. To me it's like when a poet says 'the stars'. It becomes cliche. I don't think its composed in hate. I think it's composed in indifference.

I like it as a concept, I like it the beginning and the hook a lot, and I like where it draws from. It was just perfect til ya said "COMPOSED IN HATE". My critique reminds me of this poem "Bukowski Writing Lesson". I gotta dig that up for you.

You can hit me up on AIM - Psilo9 since we're both up if ya're bored and wanna swap poems.

 

[New]

That...was not the part I expected critique on...but after reading it through again with different eyes, yeah, I could see how that's weak. I'm glad you enjoyed the concept, though.

Much obliged.

 

[Amanita Mary]

I like the theme to this one. I enjoyed the rhythm and style conveyed in this part the most:

Alright ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for a word solo…well, here goes!

Stuck here - strumming near
Feelin queer – need a beer
Drinkin fizz – Now the quiz
Of cute blonde – or feisty frizz
Hatin life – stuck in life
Not my life…I HATE MY LIFE!!!!

and this part's great as well:

There’s music in my soul
But only for your eyes
Woven truths in pixels
While my lyrics are my lies
The ladies seem to leave
When I’m running to their way
But I’ve got my own right love
It’s writing – for today!

my only advice, would be to avoid repeating popular slogans in your poetry, or popular references to musical influences. i can tell you're a manson fan.

I cannot see the forest
For the ever present trees

a lot of my earlier poetry has so many of his lines tagged into it i shouldn't even call it my own!
i like that this piece is all about experimenting with your own style. keep it up man...

 

[New]

I...actually don't listen to manson., but I'll definitely keep in mind to try and find unique ways to express myself.

 

[Amanita Mary]

my apologies... there's a grand similarity