Gold_Fish
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Apr 6, 2017
- Messages
- 16
Hello there fellow Bluelighters. My name is Gold Fish and this is my recovery journal. I am doing this as a sort of extra "ammunition" to add to the "arsenal" in the arts of achieving and maintaining sobriety.
A little background:
Around 1 year ago, I was hopelessly addicted to IV use of heroin and cocaine. So addicted that I was ready to kill myself by jumping out of my apartment window, 5 stories high. I was in so much physical pain from W/D that I honestly saw no way forward except to end the pain. My habit was so bad that 1 full suboxone strip would do nothing to touch my W/D symptoms.
Thats when I found methadone. I started going to the methadone clinic and eventually tapered to 110 mg. During this time I was doing great, just cigs and methadone, and I met this person, lets call him J. Long story short, he was a sociopath who was a meth addict. I moved him into my apartment (due to his being transient, as well as having a constant meth supply/hustle). I met a bunch of horrible people who had nothing but evil in their hearts; nothing but self-gain were in these peoples motivations.
Meth is a hell-of-a drug...
I developed a very severe meth compulsion (IV, smoke, any way possible). Mind this is my first time actually really using Meth in my 10 year drug career, for some reason I had never had any long term encounters with the drug, probably using it 15 times in 10 years. Meth and Porn combined to be quite specific were my desires over that 6 months. Lets just say meth brings out the deep seeded pervert in people, and it certainly did with myself... as embarrassing as it is to admit alas, tis the truth.
I got so strung out and meth'd out that I eventually began walking the streets with a knife on me at all times, thinking people were going to pop out of bushes or turn a corner and kill me. Complete meth psychosis.
Dread would overcome me on the mornings when I would have to get my methadone. I had no option however, as I was physically dependent on it (in my addict mind). I was so meth'd out of my mind, I would be so scared to have to walk the streets in order to get my dose at the clinic!
Bank Robbery...
I robbed a bank. I walked inside a grocery store, with a bank chain inside, and passed a note demanding money; the note said something like this: "Give me the money. No hundreds. No funny business. Hurry up. Thank you." I was so paranoid 8( and out of my mind that I said, "no hundreds" because I thought that they could satellite track me down on the "blue hundred strips".... IKR... 8( . I walked out of the bank with 780 dollars, and spent it all on meth clothes, and helping a buddy on the street with about 200$ of it. Money gone in 2 hours.
Proceed 24 hours later: Wake up in a bush, and I decide to turn myself in. I saw a path before me... One option was to become a serial bank-robber. The other option was to nip this in the butt REAL QUICK, and turn myself in. I did the later. Walked up to a cop and told him I robbed a bank.
I was incarcerated for 6 months. Turns out I have a tumor in my cheek. About the mass of a baseball "spread out surface area". The drugs (methadone) made me completely numb and oblivious to this tumor growing inside my mouth. Whilst in jail, I was taken to 5 hospital visits, MRI, pre-op, biopsy, etc. (not in that order). I was released one day before my scheduled surgery, because the county did not want to pay for surgery...
Present:
Here I am, a 27 year old addict out on a probation pass for 3 weeks in California with my father living at his house for tumor surgery. I get surgery done in 3 days. Please send your positivity or prayers for me, as I do not want to have permanent nerve damage , resulting in permanent facial drooping-sagging. I'm a little nervous, however am extremely ready for this damned mass in my face to be dead and gone with.
I had a slip up a few days ago, and my father caught me. I smoked MJ with an old life-long friend of mine and drank a few beers. My plan was to just smoke MJ once and not get caught with probation. However, it looks as if my father is having me be honest with my P.O. (which really is the morally correct thing to do in my opinion, it's just I really, really do not want to tell him). I have to return to the state I committed the crime in after surgery, which is scheduled for 19th April... obviously the weed will be out of me, but it's just the sneaky behavior my dad wants me to address and take responsibility for.
To be quite honest, I really hope my father does not make me (as in make me, he will just tell my P.O. if I do not do it). I know it's sneaky, but fuck.
Anyhow, going to a treatment facility for 5 months on the 19th, have insurance in California because of this surgery, I obtained it. Luckily it covers in other states as well, so we got a pretty good deal on treatment out in my "residing" (albeit, forcefully) state. Current meds, 300mg tramadol daily, and 2400-6000mg of gabapentin daily, 20mg prednisone, and antibiotic . All these meds are for tumor pain and swelling and nerve pain. The tram and gaba really help however, I am abusing the gaba by taking WAY more than prescribed. I'm prescribed 1800 mg a day, 600mg 3x/day. I take quite a bit more. So this is another reason for the rehab option. Also, it is good for my probation. A completed drug treatment takes care of one of my probation requirements, along with ALL the other requirements.
I seriously regret using MJ and drinking, it ruined my sobriety of 6 months in jail. On the flip side, I am COMPLETELY and UTTERLY DISGUSTED and PUT OFF by cigarettes. They don't look good, they don't smell good, and having this tumor has really made me rethink my decisions (R.E. health effects).
So still 6 months off cigs, at least I can say that lol.
Anyways, that's my story, and I will continue to keep updates on here. Thank you all for support, or questions. Also, any positive constructive criticism is always welcome, along with friendly advice, or simply if anyone needs to talk, HMU.
Much peace, love, and positivity always.
-G F
A little background:
Around 1 year ago, I was hopelessly addicted to IV use of heroin and cocaine. So addicted that I was ready to kill myself by jumping out of my apartment window, 5 stories high. I was in so much physical pain from W/D that I honestly saw no way forward except to end the pain. My habit was so bad that 1 full suboxone strip would do nothing to touch my W/D symptoms.
Thats when I found methadone. I started going to the methadone clinic and eventually tapered to 110 mg. During this time I was doing great, just cigs and methadone, and I met this person, lets call him J. Long story short, he was a sociopath who was a meth addict. I moved him into my apartment (due to his being transient, as well as having a constant meth supply/hustle). I met a bunch of horrible people who had nothing but evil in their hearts; nothing but self-gain were in these peoples motivations.
Meth is a hell-of-a drug...
I developed a very severe meth compulsion (IV, smoke, any way possible). Mind this is my first time actually really using Meth in my 10 year drug career, for some reason I had never had any long term encounters with the drug, probably using it 15 times in 10 years. Meth and Porn combined to be quite specific were my desires over that 6 months. Lets just say meth brings out the deep seeded pervert in people, and it certainly did with myself... as embarrassing as it is to admit alas, tis the truth.
I got so strung out and meth'd out that I eventually began walking the streets with a knife on me at all times, thinking people were going to pop out of bushes or turn a corner and kill me. Complete meth psychosis.
Dread would overcome me on the mornings when I would have to get my methadone. I had no option however, as I was physically dependent on it (in my addict mind). I was so meth'd out of my mind, I would be so scared to have to walk the streets in order to get my dose at the clinic!
Bank Robbery...
I robbed a bank. I walked inside a grocery store, with a bank chain inside, and passed a note demanding money; the note said something like this: "Give me the money. No hundreds. No funny business. Hurry up. Thank you." I was so paranoid 8( and out of my mind that I said, "no hundreds" because I thought that they could satellite track me down on the "blue hundred strips".... IKR... 8( . I walked out of the bank with 780 dollars, and spent it all on meth clothes, and helping a buddy on the street with about 200$ of it. Money gone in 2 hours.
Proceed 24 hours later: Wake up in a bush, and I decide to turn myself in. I saw a path before me... One option was to become a serial bank-robber. The other option was to nip this in the butt REAL QUICK, and turn myself in. I did the later. Walked up to a cop and told him I robbed a bank.
I was incarcerated for 6 months. Turns out I have a tumor in my cheek. About the mass of a baseball "spread out surface area". The drugs (methadone) made me completely numb and oblivious to this tumor growing inside my mouth. Whilst in jail, I was taken to 5 hospital visits, MRI, pre-op, biopsy, etc. (not in that order). I was released one day before my scheduled surgery, because the county did not want to pay for surgery...
Present:
Here I am, a 27 year old addict out on a probation pass for 3 weeks in California with my father living at his house for tumor surgery. I get surgery done in 3 days. Please send your positivity or prayers for me, as I do not want to have permanent nerve damage , resulting in permanent facial drooping-sagging. I'm a little nervous, however am extremely ready for this damned mass in my face to be dead and gone with.
I had a slip up a few days ago, and my father caught me. I smoked MJ with an old life-long friend of mine and drank a few beers. My plan was to just smoke MJ once and not get caught with probation. However, it looks as if my father is having me be honest with my P.O. (which really is the morally correct thing to do in my opinion, it's just I really, really do not want to tell him). I have to return to the state I committed the crime in after surgery, which is scheduled for 19th April... obviously the weed will be out of me, but it's just the sneaky behavior my dad wants me to address and take responsibility for.
To be quite honest, I really hope my father does not make me (as in make me, he will just tell my P.O. if I do not do it). I know it's sneaky, but fuck.
Anyhow, going to a treatment facility for 5 months on the 19th, have insurance in California because of this surgery, I obtained it. Luckily it covers in other states as well, so we got a pretty good deal on treatment out in my "residing" (albeit, forcefully) state. Current meds, 300mg tramadol daily, and 2400-6000mg of gabapentin daily, 20mg prednisone, and antibiotic . All these meds are for tumor pain and swelling and nerve pain. The tram and gaba really help however, I am abusing the gaba by taking WAY more than prescribed. I'm prescribed 1800 mg a day, 600mg 3x/day. I take quite a bit more. So this is another reason for the rehab option. Also, it is good for my probation. A completed drug treatment takes care of one of my probation requirements, along with ALL the other requirements.
I seriously regret using MJ and drinking, it ruined my sobriety of 6 months in jail. On the flip side, I am COMPLETELY and UTTERLY DISGUSTED and PUT OFF by cigarettes. They don't look good, they don't smell good, and having this tumor has really made me rethink my decisions (R.E. health effects).
So still 6 months off cigs, at least I can say that lol.
Anyways, that's my story, and I will continue to keep updates on here. Thank you all for support, or questions. Also, any positive constructive criticism is always welcome, along with friendly advice, or simply if anyone needs to talk, HMU.
Much peace, love, and positivity always.
-G F
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and reading your other posts as well.
