TDS RLS -> Tardive dyskinesia

[Rosencavelier]

I recently quit a 12+ year opiate habit (13 days ago).

I've been going okay. I've quit a number (many?) times before and lasted up to a month.. usually only days, though.

I've had RLS before. I've survived on 3hrs sleep a night, falling asleep exhausted after hours battling the RLS. But this is just fucking cruel. It's beyond RLS. It's like tardive dyskinesia. Full on body+arm jerks. Every time I'm almost asleep. It's like agony without the pain. It's hard to explain.

I'm sitting here near tears. Screaming in despair. I just bruised every limb of my body trying to beat it out of me.

I WANT this time to stick. I don't want to use again. But I want to fucking sleep. I've got a fucking business to run. I'm starting to think I'm better off using. Fuck everything else I'm missing: meaningful relationship(s), reliable memory, ups & downs, feeling _anything_ but numb. I'd give it all up again to get rid of this cunting fucking feeling... except I can't help feeling I'm so close... How much longer can this last? I've done so well... but I've gone much longer in the past and it didn't hurt anywhere as much. Why THIS time? THIS is my SERIOUS quitting effort.

AH FUCK! I just want to sleep. I walked a fucking marathon (literally) this weekend, in an effort to exhaust myself to sleep (I normally walk ~100m a day, so this is HUGE)... but no fucking dice.

Please excuse the language... I'm at my wits end.

 

[herbavore]

I can certainly understand your despair--that sounds brutal. But no matter how brutal in the short-term, your list of what you are depriving yourself of by continuing the addiction is worthy of keeping front and center in your mind. Are you using anything at all to mitigate the WD's?

 

[Rosencavelier]

I've tried sifrol (has helped in the past), got some temazepam from the doc today (it's 4:30am and I've had ~30m sleep tonight), a little loperamide (ie therapuetic doses, not "recreational") for gut issues, some magnesium (have had an incredibly annoying eyelid twitch for months which the magnesium has seemed to fix). That's about it. The only night I had a good sleep was after an awards night where I got fairly drunk because a staff member was awarded employee of the year for the town. The temptation is to repeat that, but I figure that's an idea that's going to lead me in a bad direction so I'm resisting that so far.

Despite the sleep issues, I'm committed to making this my serious (and final) quitting effort, but every night with little to no sleep is wearing down my resolve.

Daytime is no issue (besides being incredibly tired)... it's just the lack of sleep. I seriously don't understand the lack of virtually any other WD symptoms this time, but I'll not look that particular gift horse in the mouth.

 

[herbavore]

Well your resolve is admirable and not to be taken for granted! One thing that may help psychologically is to use the discomfort to your advantage. When the WDs throw sleeplessness at you, think like a warrior, personify addiction as your enemy and talk back. "Go ahead, throw it at me again; eventually you are going to be a distant memory." Know that this is short-term no matter what. In the meantime (in case insomnia will be a struggle for you beyond WDs) read up on and practice good sleep hygiene. I have insomnia and I do use edible weed for it sometimes but I have also learned to manage it in other ways. When I am lying there awake it is almost certain that my mind will go to anxious thinking first. I'm learning to consciously select one thing to think about and to actually have a productive few hours mentally. If I'm going to be awake anyway, why not use the time well? If I absolutely cannot change course in my mind I will listen to a guided meditation or soothing music.

 

[d3athadone]

Your going to relapse thinking liek that bro. YOur RLS is just temporary. Im no expert but I think the only way forward is to fully except the pain. All the pain. Thats what I'm doing and it seems to be working so far. I just don't care anymore. I miss life too much. Fuck the pain. Pain can blow me. Been there done that. Pain will go away. Opiates wont just go away.

 

[Rosencavelier]

I finally slept last night. 9.5hrs combined over the previous 6 nights, and a full 9 hours last night. Although, it still took me until 4am to get to sleep, but I'd organised staff to work this morning so I could have the time off if I did indeed get to sleep.

D3athadone: it's not pain, but I get what you're saying. But, I'm not going to relapse (I think, I hope): I have a temptation on my mantlepiece that I've resisted thus far (I figure resisting temptation is like a muscle I need to build up, and having a temptation sitting 2m from me that I am constantly resisting using is building it up pretty quickly).

Herbavore: Thanks for the replies. I'd tried meditation and music, but nothing was helping. Finally turned to Netflix, etc and put on documentaries I had no interest in to try to bore myself to sleep (and maybe learn something new in the process, lol)... seems to have worked, or my body and mind just finally gave in and let me sleep.

 

[herbavore]

Funny you should mention Netflix. Last night my friend and I went to a film on the spur of the moment. We just asked the guy at the booth which one he thought might be good out of the four playing and we went to the one he recommended. It was so atrocious we were laughing all the way through (The Dressmaker) but when I woke up this morning after the first good night's sleep in a long time I thought, "Great. The solution to my insomnia is going to bad films?"

The only good thing about the film was the location and the cinematography which was in.......rural Australia! (Not knowing anything about Australia I could not say which part.)