RLS is going good.

[Everythings19]

Hi. I’d been on opiates since ‘09.

Life was going great, I’d finally straightened my life out and met the lady who would become my wife. Then in ‘08 I herniated discs at work.

Extremely long story short:
-stayed at work till I was removed in ‘10
-3 year Work Comp battle- won
-3 year SS battle- won
-Most discs now damaged and nerve damage
-Changing doctors, quit opiates (Opana and ER Morphine, used to be on double of what I just quit)
-RLS last 3 days, 2-3 hours sleep

And my wife is still with me. She’s been through hell because of my health and it is utter hell, there’s nothing pain doesn’t touch and destroy. I’ve literally told her that she deserves better, but she won’t leave. She means the world to me even though our relationship is in tatters, due to me, my pain.

Anyways, RLS has been going strong for 3 days now, veeeeery little sleep. Weaned myself over a period of 2 weeks and that wasn’t exactly fun either, lol. Just want all this done with. I’m so happy to finally be away from narcotics yet I’m truly scared of going forward without them, physically and mentally.

-A big thank you to everyone for this resource

 

[CFC]

Hey man, a big welcome to Bluelight

That sounds pretty intense and painful I've herniated some discs and it was pretty disabling for 2 years but they've recovered reasonably well now (touch wood). Glad things are going better for you though, and HUGE congrats on weaning yourself off. If you're looking for some more support on that, I strongly recommend you check out Sober Living as those guys have some really great ideas.

Wishing you the best mate,
CFC

 

[Everythings19]

Thanks man, greatly appreciated.

Yeah, it’s been hell. Daily life consists of about 22-23 hours a day prone (bed/floor/couch) with ice packs and heating pads. 37 years old and all of this started when I was 28. I’ve lost so many years of my life to this. I just wanna work again, so damn bad. I miss my job but not the useless people, lol. No longer interact with anyone and I know that’s bad but that’s what life has become. Interacting with others continues to grow more difficult and I’d rather just not leave the house. There’s no joy in anything anymore.

-22 sets of injections
-2 stim unit trials
-physical therapy
-chiropractor
-acupuncture
-psychologists
-primary damage close to my heart
-surgery would have to be done from the front (opened up, remove lung, push stuff aside, work on damage) but it’s a 50/50 shot it’d put me in a wheelchair permanently
-and oh yeah, over 6 years fighting in courts to prove I’m damaged. SS judge was angry in his ruling and actually swore, lol. He berated the docs and the system for making it so damn difficult for the truly injured to get the right help.

Been a gear head my whole life and that doesn’t even keep me going anymore. My shop is right next to the house and the project wagon is so close to being done but I don’t have the strength to finish her. You lose interest in doing things, going places, spending time with people. Everything. Nothing in life goes untouched by pain. I’ll go a week and not step foot outside the house. It goes longer than that when talking with the friends who have actually stuck with me. Can go a couple weeks and only say a few sentences worth of words. Swore I’d never sell any of my guns but ended up selling 2 of my favorite builds. I used to target shoot, build, and reload my own ammo, a lot; but was never into hunting for some reason. Dunno, I like nature too much I guess, lol. Always enjoyed shooting long distances with tight groupings and the techniques involved in accuracy and practicing with pistols. Everybody’s got a hobby, guns and cars and motorcycles were mine. Now I’m selling my motorcycles (one of which I built and swore I’d keep, the other my old race dirtbike I’ve had since ‘97)
to cover the wagon being finished by someone else and guns helped pay for project car parts. It sucks. I’m no longer capable of doing things I’ve done my entire life.

There always seems to be another level of low. I used to tell myself that it can’t get any worse and yet it always got worse. ...so I quit saying it. It’s definitely hard as hell to keep going and there’s been some close calls. Few weeks ago I was a mess. Meds, whiskey, smoking. Anything to help push that pain away. “Chasing pain” I’ve always called it. Truly wasn’t sure if I was gonna wake up so I left my wife a note on the nightstand saying I loved her always. Haven’t told anyone that, lol.

Gone from the equivalent of about 650mg of Morphine per day (plus other scripts) down to approx 300mg per day (plus other scripts) to nothing but muscle relaxers/nerve meds/Tylenol/vitamins and I’m hurtin so bad. Those were prescribed levels and I was capable of a lot more than that, drink, go party and not feel any pain. It was wonderful for a while, till I realized how badly I was screwing myself over. Best feeling in the entire world is when I can no longer feel my spine, but pulling that off means a lot of crap in my system. Life is hell and there are no simple answers.

 

[CFC]

Omg that sounds so truly awful!

Do you know what caused the discs to go?

Do you have any other family to support you, or is it just your partner?

BTW I moved your other thread to The Dark Side (in the recovery forums), as that's the best place for it (and a great place for support in general). The Lounge is a little, eh, let's say 'loose' and rough-n-ready and not really for more serious stuff. I wouldn't want to see you get upset by some responses you might get there

 

[Everythings19]

I’m not easily triggered so no worries there, lol. But thank you. Seems like I’ve been through so much that it’s definitely changed my personality, everything rolls off me. Never used to and always enjoyed fighting. Found something satisfying in a brawl. That was a long time ago. Feels like a lifetime ago.

The injury- Happened at work, told my boss right away. Was leaning into a blast cabinet changing out a hose. A wrench in each hand and I pushed. Felt something “not right” in my back. Made it another 10 days and finally went to the ER. Several herniated dicsc, mid-spine, and discovered that I have scoliosis right where the damage was, which aggravated everything. Those several discs over the years turned into almost all discs, with nerve damage. Bulge sticking out of my neck. Lower spine is shot. Hip trouble from walking/carrying myself differently.

Went through a series of docs till I ended up with Advanced Pain Management since ‘09. No longer with them, I was dropped. A few failed random urine screens did me in. It’s always a struggle between sticking with just the scripts or adding stuff on top of that when the pain is at its worst- smoke, Jack, more pills that end up shorting me at the end of the month. In the end, they dropped me. I understand I didn’t follow their rules but now I’m left hanging and trying to get in with another doc. Because I failed urine screens, no doc will prescribe narcotics for me. Frankly, it sucks, lol. Non-narcotic meds can’t keep up with the pain/nerves.

Here at home it’s just my wife and I. I do get SS and it’s a huge help, took 3 years of court and lawyers to get it. The general consensus from people is that I’m young so I can work. Well hell, I’d love to work. I miss work, truly. Mow the lawn- takes 2-3 days to recover. Work in the shop a couple hours- 2-3 days to recover. Anyways... there’s friends that are local but I don’t see them anymore. Nobody gets what I go through except those that have been there, so that drastically changes all relationships. My son lives with his mother not too far away. Rarely get to see him. He’s mid-teens and I’m not gonna force him to come over. He’s seen me go through so much, I don’t blame him. He used to spend his summers with me, but what fun is that for a kid when the parent is mostly bedridden. I know it’s affected him, my injuries. I grew up with my Ma having a lot of health problems when I was little and I know how it changed me, made me different. Always swore my child would never have to go through what I went through. Failed miserably at that one.

 

[CFC]

That's a really tough story to read man. I can see that it really upsets you to be in that situation, especially with family obligations and the desire not to repeat what happened in the past

I guess all I can say is the future's not written yet. You're less than halfway through your life, and things could still change radically in a good way.

Most of all, I really hope you manage to get the pain treated properly and fairly. The operation would be good if it worked, but I can totally understand your fear about risking it!!! My uncle became a tetraplegic after an operation on his spine back in the 1960s and it isn't something I'd want anyone else to go through. Having said that, technology has moved forward a long way since then. And is likely to move ahead even further in the coming years (especially with robotic/fine control surgery), and that might reduce or eliminate the kind of risks they're talking about with you.

Anyway, fingers crossed for you man.
Take care,
CFC

 

[Naomi Neu]

Just want to say, despite the anguish and distress you're enduring every day, there's a levity and brightness that comes through in your posts. You're a fighter, and you believe in yourself. It's admirable and inspiring and it will take you far. I'm so sorry that you have to endure this pain. If it sounds like something you could be interested in, I think you should try writing, if you're unable to be mobile, and only have your hands and brain or even just your voice, that brightness is too big to be contained on an injury.

You come across a really cool and powerful person. Thanks for sharing your story. I really hope you can heal and progress towards your own sense of achievement.

 

[Everythings19]

I have a habit of writing novels, as has been noticed. I rarely leave the house or talk to people (except doctors and insurance), so when I actually DO talk, a lot tends to come out. With the anonymous aspect of this forum, yeah, a lot tends to come out. Sorry for that.

CFC-
Thank you for the words . Yeah it’s hard, thinking about surgery. I’m at the point where I’m debating risking it. 50/50... helluva risk but...

Years back my Ma gave me an article on artificial discs in Germany. Massive success rate. The US? Nope, FDA or whatever won’t approve them. Thanks guys, lol.

-My Loki (1 of my Maine Coons) is meowing incessantly at the moment. He’s upset I’m on my phone and not petting him. Our coons have been spoiled by me. They act like dogs as well. It’s been amazing realizing how much having animals helps with pain and drug management. 1 blind Schitzu, 1 rescued Chinchilla and 2 Coons. I’m grateful I have them as much as they drive me nuts.

Messaged with a buddy tonight (drug user as well). Told him “It’s like this massive life shift has been occurring these last few months and I am utterly adrift. That or shit is coming to a head.“

-Naomi
Wow. Honestly don’t know what to say to that. Thank you. It’s just been what we’ve had to deal with. I feel awful for my wife. I’ve told her that she deserves better. But nope, she won’t leave me. I hate that and I love that.

I’ve had to keep a sense of humor. It was that or perish, lol. Throughout all of this, if it wasn’t for laughter/wife/coons/the few friends that have stuck with me but don’t understand what I’m goin through, I would have offed myself. It really is that low. Humor and Coons have saved my life.

I’ve never actually considered writing. And man, thank you for saying so. Thank you. I wouldn’t know where to start.

My Ma (I know, it’s ridiculous, but she’s my Ma, and that’s a story in of itself) said years back that I should write out my story. I had a 5 year buffer on what I’d tell her about all the stupid crap I did and got away with, or caught. The parties, cars, cops, stupid pranks I did with friends. Then the spine stuff and everything in between. It’s been a helluva adventure and I don’t recommend it to anybody, lol

Naomi, thank you.

Last thing- I’m kinda stuck here. I don’t fit in with the spine pain forums and I’m an odd duck here. I sure don’t know of any “hey, I deal with massive pain and I’m an addict” forums, lol.

 

[herbavore]

My Ma (I know, it’s ridiculous, but she’s my Ma, and that’s a story in of itself) said years back that I should write out my story. I had a 5 year buffer on what I’d tell her about all the stupid crap I did and got away with, or caught. The parties, cars, cops, stupid pranks I did with friends. Then the spine stuff and everything in between. It’s been a helluva adventure and I don’t recommend it to anybody, lol

LOL--that makes me think of my son starting a story from the past with, "So, Mom, now that the statute of limitations is well past and I'm bigger than you anyway, did I ever tell you about the time I......"

 

[Naomi Neu]

-Naomi
Wow. Honestly don’t know what to say to that. Thank you. It’s just been what we’ve had to deal with. I feel awful for my wife. I’ve told her that she deserves better. But nope, she won’t leave me. I hate that and I love that.

I’ve had to keep a sense of humor. It was that or perish, lol. Throughout all of this, if it wasn’t for laughter/wife/coons/the few friends that have stuck with me but don’t understand what I’m goin through, I would have offed myself. It really is that low. Humor and Coons have saved my life.

I’ve never actually considered writing. And man, thank you for saying so. Thank you. I wouldn’t know where to start.

My Ma (I know, it’s ridiculous, but she’s my Ma, and that’s a story in of itself) said years back that I should write out my story. I had a 5 year buffer on what I’d tell her about all the stupid crap I did and got away with, or caught. The parties, cars, cops, stupid pranks I did with friends. Then the spine stuff and everything in between. It’s been a helluva adventure and I don’t recommend it to anybody, lol

Naomi, thank you.

Last thing- I’m kinda stuck here. I don’t fit in with the spine pain forums and I’m an odd duck here. I sure don’t know of any “hey, I deal with massive pain and I’m an addict” forums, lol.

You are most welcome. We joined about the same time and yours was the first other NMI post I read. Having injured my back last year (soft tissue damage) and reached 10 on the pain scale for the first time in my life, I got a brief peek into the reality of spinal injuries for the first time and I have never, ever known anything like it. I used to think I could endure torture but I'm longer confident in that if it felt anything like the agony of severe back pain!

I'm a writer myself and it is the most important thing in my own personal world. It's helped me through so much, taken me places I never thought I could go, freed me when I felt locked into a shitty life. The beauty of it is that you don't need to do any courses or spend any money on ridiculous equipment which will gather dust when your interest wanes. All it takes is one word in front of another. There are loads of resources online to start learning more about the different formats, from poetry to novels to screenplays, anything is attainable. Publication is really a different kind of goal to actually just writing for yourself. It seems like something you'd be good at . Your Ma is right