ripe and wasted (for those who OD'd and passed)

[Shady Kaity]

did you know you were going to die

leave this world without saying goodbye?

you were diligent in your endeavors of self destruction

beautiful being,

so ripe yet tainted

poisonous fruit, you knew this day would come



you were so quick to leave this world

whats the rush, whats the rush

leaving no prints on the face of today

not a trace

not a hope

and life is not a game



so much beauty wasted

hope you liked the way death tasted

did you think about those you were leaving behind

no it was not your time

"pay no mind to the coffin,

go about your lives,

leave me behind and make it easy"

i'll never let go of you, forever in my heart

mourning will last an eternity

and feelings of sorrow start

how do i move on,

without feeling guilty?

i feel you in the air

your presence haunts me.



you were so quick to leave this world

whats the rush, whats the rush

leaving no prints on the face of today

not a trace

not a hope

and life is no game.

if only you had known...




Criticism is definitely encouraged...would like to hear raw opinions. Thanks

 

[Wesley_pipes_27]

it Held a lot of raw emotion; anger, sadness. This tends to breed Passionate Poems. I enjoyed it Kaity.

WP

 

[herbavore]

It is heartbreaking and every emotion is true to what I am experiencing right now after the overdose death of my son. Hard to read for me, but beautifully written. favorite line: leaving no prints on the face of today"

 

[Shady Kaity]

thank you both very much. i am so sorry for your loss..it seems all too common that people i know have overdosed...its very sad and does anger me as well....its so easy to just slip away, but its those losses that should make us appreciate our lives here i know your son is looking down smiling at you.

 

[New]

I felt this one. Having interacted with several people that have Od'ed on this site, it is rather painful, and I think you've captured that well.

 

[Shady Kaity]

thank you very much =] your opinion is greatly appreciated. its truly heartbreaking when that happens to those we care about, but theyll forever hold a place in my heart.

 

[Mind-Melt]

wow i really enjoyed this poem. keep on writing, you have talent!

i guess my only critique is that i would have liked to see more imagery in the poem: some things that i can visualize as i read. maybe adding some descriptive words to "coffin" for example. "the cold, motionless coffin" or something to that effect in your own words of course; anything to paint a picture in the readers mind of how the coffin is. how does the coffin appear or feel or even smell to you? in my humble opinion poetry is always better with imagery. i would also love to see some imagery surrounding "your presence haunts me.", how does it haunt you? are there any ways for you to show the reader what you're feeling with concrete words that can be visualized. is it a ghost? a creeking under your bed? things like that. i think that would make your poem a lot stronger.

i read a quote once that was something to the effect of "poetry is painting a picture with words." this is most easily done by avoiding abstract ideas and sticking to words that are concrete and unmistakable in terms of the image created in the reader's mind.

thanks for the enjoyable read! my thoughts go out to everyone who has lost a love one to OD or any cause.

 

[Shady Kaity]

Thank you very much. I will definitely use more imagery in my newer writings.