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Revolving from a junkie to citizen

K'dOUTinAZ

K'dOUTinAZ

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 27, 2003
Messages
7,906
Location
Somewhere between Eden and North Utopia. Somewhere
I use these 'harder drugs', as you may want to call to cover up many aspects and situations of my life. I've suffered great anxiety since a child, I grew up in a broken home, my father was a drug dealer and I never was prepared for what was going to happen tomorrow. I had to live on the streets at the age of sixteen because my mother divorced my father because he was a drug dealer and didn't want 'his seed' (me) around if I were using drugs. Legally at the age my mother couldn't kick me out but I just went out on my own and it was mutual. We haven't talked since. I had a lot of shit that happened to me through those years and grew up very paranoid and anxious. I experienced and saw things than a sixteen year old should never have to experience. Not to mention that while on the streets I had to deal with these severe mood swings that has now been diagnosed as 'bi-polar'. So, these days I hide my anxious feeling by using drugs like benzodiazepines and opioids.

I went through many relationships that left me in the rain. I became jaded to 'becoming in love' at such a young age after so many break ups. I was alone in the world so I became dependent upon many of these relationships. I just wanted some piece of mind and somebody to love me. Well I blamed myself for just about 99% of everything so I just decided to get spun out on drugs to forget everything. Everything revolved around drugs. I dealed drugs for a few years. I got in many life threatning situations but as long as I got high to forget all the shit...

Now I am happily married and am able to face these situations that I once couldn't I go to therapy and talk about it. I also have my wife who listens. Thats great and all but from all the bullshit that I did and the drugs that I abused, I landed myself with an addiction to many drugs. Thats what I gotta face now and it is just as hard.
 
I feel for you man, I've had a much easier life then you but know a few kids that live/lived on the streets and its amazing you even made it through alive.
 
This of course is my opinion, bu I know it is true. Addiction is addiction, no matter what the causes where that facilitated one to start using drugs/sex/gambling etc. to fill the void in their life.

The fact is, the void is a God-sized hole that cannot be filled through any chemical, man, woman, or circumstance other than the filler it was designed to be filled by - God.

Addiction is merely a symptom of a spiritual illness - i don't like that word illness - let's just say "issue". I have been to AA and know that gets annoying to hear (especially the disease/illness part - its so negative), but just because it is annoying does not mean it isn't true. I don't even go to AA, nor do I agree with ALL of its principles, (although I do agree with most of them).

IMO we as humans are incapable of beating addiction on our own, even with the help of others. Only God can help us, but we must ask Him to help us. He's not just going to help us if we don't make the first step. It's counter-intuitive, I know, but it's true.

Ask him for strength, or ask Him to prove Himself to you and He will. But my point is, there is no natural (earthly) way to defeat an addiction, because it is not a natural(earthly) symptom. It is a spiritual one. IN fact, there's no point in calling it a disease, it's just a God-sized void. We were designed to worship and love God. That's why we're never satisfied.

I believe that Jesus Christ is the only way to God, and no one will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit unless they believe in Him and His Spirit comes into their hearts. Then from HIS strength we are able to overcome not only our addictions, but all our problems in life.
 
I've done the AA thing before...I lived in a half-way home. Its just not my thing. I just deal with it. I got myself into this, and only can I get myself out of it. I agree with a few things from AA/NA/CA but I don't agree with their logic. Addiction will always be a part of my life but I will not give up my life to a 'power greater than myself'. I will battle my demons one on one. To tell the truth...I am just not ready to give up these 'so called' cures for illness...methadone and benzodiazepines...but when the day comes it will be me doing my own battle.
 
Thank you for sharing this with us, and keep posting - you have really made me sit up and take a look at what you have written lately!

The fact that you could post this here has gotta mean something! :\
 
^ i agree!

This had to be difficult to write... i would think.
Thank you for sharing this.

Your writing has grabbed my attention the last few weeks, and i look forward to the new reads. Your writing is nothing less than brilliant.

And I think many others agree.
 
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