*This is partly inspired by some random conversations last night at the bar that changed my life, and partly b/c of the nostalgia drudged up by this piece , an old favorite of mine that was difficult to write, and even more difficult to reread after all this time.*
It was one of those nights,
Where i thought my last table would never leave.
The $2 tip and scattered change was worth them leaving
So i could throw on a hoodie and skip out of there
Before the night started to suffocate me.
My boy carried me half-assed to the parking lot
Where he couldn't have said goodbye to me quick enough,
And i didn't even bother to look to see if the light was red or green
Before i sped through it.
"Last call" should really be called "the thing i look forward to every Wednesday night".
With a Long Island Iced Tea in my hand,
And the comfortableness of the company of friends all around me
In a smoky bar with drunks singing bad karaoke and getting drunker,
I feel at peace.
Propped prettily and precariously on a bar stool,
I glance to my left at a friend of mine who used to share these Wednesday nights with me,
Before he walked out mid-shift last week because he'd "had enough of that place"
And he starts to talk about Melissa,
And i cant help but think to myself that this is not the same guy
Who gave me orientation 2 years ago...
Who thought he was God's gift to women and went through them about as quick as i can drink these drinks...
This is a guy who had love change him in all the right ways,
And the smile that plays on his lips is genuine.
His girl is cleaning up in the place i just left,
And he's in a bar surrounded by women,
None of which he even bothers to look at,
And i see a guy who doesn't even know how lucky he is.
Or maybe he does.
And he asks me how Danny is doing,
And i kind of shrug, because these days,
I don't really know how to answer that.
He doesn't ask questions, but leaves me with
"Things will work out"
And i nod politely and take a bigger sip of my L.I.Tea
And out of the blue he says "He's not like Justin."
And just the name, Justin, makes me cringe.
I don't want to know where this conversation is going,
But off it goes, and i'm powerless to stop it.
"I never did like him," he continues, reminiscing.
He was referring to the month where Justin worked with us,
Before he did what he always does and stopped showing up.
"I remember how he used to brag about you..." he begins,
And i look up from my drink, intrigued at this new information.
Surprised that i was about to hear about this guy, who broke my heart in every way possible,
Might have actually been saying something nice about me.
(but of course, i took it wrong.)
"We would go out back to smoke and he would brag about how he treated you like shit,
And how it just made you kiss his ass all the more."
This is something i shouldn't be surprised about,
And well, its years later and it shouldn't even matter,
But somehow,
In the dingy light of the bar, sitting next to someone i thought was my friend,
Who didn't bother to tell me this until 4 years after the fact,
It matters.
I shrug it off like i don't care, and walk into the pool room with my drink,
Slugging it back.
I sit on the edge of the pool table to talk to 2 guys i haven't seen in awhile,
And in 20 words or less, recount what just happened.
The guy to my right, the former best friend of the asshole in question,
Laughs and tells me, "That boy will never grow up. He was always saying stuff like that about you."
Its getting harder to breath, either from the smoke, or the fact that my heart was pounding with anger
He goes on to count on his fingers all the girls that Justin was with,
All the nights he never came home to me,
And i stop him because, i had asked him these questions long ago,
And he had sworn to me, up and down, that there WERE no other girls,
That i was a stupid, overprotective, paranoid girlfriend who needed to just "get over it"
And now here he was, telling me what i needed so badly to hear a long time ago.
He justifies it with "he was my best friend"
And suddenly, i can't look at him either, because he was supposed to be my friend too.
And the guy on my left, he just laughs and says,
"Yeah, i knew too. But what does it matter now?" and goes back to playing pool.
I kinda left the bar in a daze.
Got in my car, blasted the music so i wouldn't hear myself sob,
Because i knew it was coming even though i was choking it back.
It wasn't because it really mattered now,
It was because i felt so LET DOWN by everyone,
And i'm sick of hearing these random things every couple of months or years,
Things that i begged to know way back when,
Things that i SHOULD have been told,
And all i feel now is that i really CAN'T trust anyone.
Sitting there on that barstool having someone else fill me in on the part of my life
That i was so blatantly missing,
Was just like being put back in that place and time
And watching it happen to myself from a distance
And it just killed me to go through that again.
I have enough things in my life right now that i'm trying to figure out,
Without having to have things like this to wonder about,
Or be angry about.
It just goes to show you that some things, they never really DO end...
Like love, hatred, revenge, memories, lies...
They just keep going on and on,
Until you can't take it anymore.
This is what you left me with....
You left me hanging on to all this SHIT
And i know now, that it will never end the way i want it to,
Because every now and then, when i think its finally over,
I will sit on a barstool and have a stranger who i thought was my friend,
Tell me what i fool i once was,
For loving an even bigger fool,
Like you.
It was one of those nights,
Where i thought my last table would never leave.
The $2 tip and scattered change was worth them leaving
So i could throw on a hoodie and skip out of there
Before the night started to suffocate me.
My boy carried me half-assed to the parking lot
Where he couldn't have said goodbye to me quick enough,
And i didn't even bother to look to see if the light was red or green
Before i sped through it.
"Last call" should really be called "the thing i look forward to every Wednesday night".
With a Long Island Iced Tea in my hand,
And the comfortableness of the company of friends all around me
In a smoky bar with drunks singing bad karaoke and getting drunker,
I feel at peace.
Propped prettily and precariously on a bar stool,
I glance to my left at a friend of mine who used to share these Wednesday nights with me,
Before he walked out mid-shift last week because he'd "had enough of that place"
And he starts to talk about Melissa,
And i cant help but think to myself that this is not the same guy
Who gave me orientation 2 years ago...
Who thought he was God's gift to women and went through them about as quick as i can drink these drinks...
This is a guy who had love change him in all the right ways,
And the smile that plays on his lips is genuine.
His girl is cleaning up in the place i just left,
And he's in a bar surrounded by women,
None of which he even bothers to look at,
And i see a guy who doesn't even know how lucky he is.
Or maybe he does.
And he asks me how Danny is doing,
And i kind of shrug, because these days,
I don't really know how to answer that.
He doesn't ask questions, but leaves me with
"Things will work out"
And i nod politely and take a bigger sip of my L.I.Tea
And out of the blue he says "He's not like Justin."
And just the name, Justin, makes me cringe.
I don't want to know where this conversation is going,
But off it goes, and i'm powerless to stop it.
"I never did like him," he continues, reminiscing.
He was referring to the month where Justin worked with us,
Before he did what he always does and stopped showing up.
"I remember how he used to brag about you..." he begins,
And i look up from my drink, intrigued at this new information.
Surprised that i was about to hear about this guy, who broke my heart in every way possible,
Might have actually been saying something nice about me.
(but of course, i took it wrong.)
"We would go out back to smoke and he would brag about how he treated you like shit,
And how it just made you kiss his ass all the more."
This is something i shouldn't be surprised about,
And well, its years later and it shouldn't even matter,
But somehow,
In the dingy light of the bar, sitting next to someone i thought was my friend,
Who didn't bother to tell me this until 4 years after the fact,
It matters.
I shrug it off like i don't care, and walk into the pool room with my drink,
Slugging it back.
I sit on the edge of the pool table to talk to 2 guys i haven't seen in awhile,
And in 20 words or less, recount what just happened.
The guy to my right, the former best friend of the asshole in question,
Laughs and tells me, "That boy will never grow up. He was always saying stuff like that about you."
Its getting harder to breath, either from the smoke, or the fact that my heart was pounding with anger
He goes on to count on his fingers all the girls that Justin was with,
All the nights he never came home to me,
And i stop him because, i had asked him these questions long ago,
And he had sworn to me, up and down, that there WERE no other girls,
That i was a stupid, overprotective, paranoid girlfriend who needed to just "get over it"
And now here he was, telling me what i needed so badly to hear a long time ago.
He justifies it with "he was my best friend"
And suddenly, i can't look at him either, because he was supposed to be my friend too.
And the guy on my left, he just laughs and says,
"Yeah, i knew too. But what does it matter now?" and goes back to playing pool.
I kinda left the bar in a daze.
Got in my car, blasted the music so i wouldn't hear myself sob,
Because i knew it was coming even though i was choking it back.
It wasn't because it really mattered now,
It was because i felt so LET DOWN by everyone,
And i'm sick of hearing these random things every couple of months or years,
Things that i begged to know way back when,
Things that i SHOULD have been told,
And all i feel now is that i really CAN'T trust anyone.
Sitting there on that barstool having someone else fill me in on the part of my life
That i was so blatantly missing,
Was just like being put back in that place and time
And watching it happen to myself from a distance
And it just killed me to go through that again.
I have enough things in my life right now that i'm trying to figure out,
Without having to have things like this to wonder about,
Or be angry about.
It just goes to show you that some things, they never really DO end...
Like love, hatred, revenge, memories, lies...
They just keep going on and on,
Until you can't take it anymore.
This is what you left me with....
You left me hanging on to all this SHIT
And i know now, that it will never end the way i want it to,
Because every now and then, when i think its finally over,
I will sit on a barstool and have a stranger who i thought was my friend,
Tell me what i fool i once was,
For loving an even bigger fool,
Like you.
hugs