angryteabag
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 12, 2010
- Messages
- 96
Hey guys, ive recently been battling my inability to be social, or rather trying to find the part of me that was social at one point in time.
I got (really) high (pot) the other night with a friend. this guy is awesome, he talks and talks and doesnt give a shit, has the funniest stories and just an all round great guy, i sat there just listening to these adventures he has been on and how they were just little things but they were just so amusing. i didnt talk much and that annoyed me.
I looked at myself in the mirror, asked myself "whats my story". nothing came to mind, i had no crazy adventures, i dont do anything risky or i just dont appreciate the little things that really are amusing.
I looked at what i looked like, then looked at my mate. he had a full on sense of style that was unique to him, his room was set up in its own way that almost told a story, he had little rules that he governed his flat with. where as I felt like nothing i was wearing matched me, the way i look conflicted with how i talked, how i held myself, how i dressed and i felt like i was one of those "chumps" of society destined to live a boring 9 to 5 life almost like a slave to a system i was never aware of. I felt apprehensive every time someone invited me out almost as though i felt unsafe.
my analysis of myself went as far as to go into how i played my computer games. every time i play a game and the game got serious, i would save just before i take a game-defining risk. I never took that risk without saving, thats how i live my life, if i dont know what will end up happening and i dont have a "save point", i wont do something.
Compared to my friend where i quote "Oh, what? you want to revolt due to culture difference? *Liquidates city*, Defiance to the crown must be punished accordingly. "
Something like that would NEVER occur to me. its almost like i take everything waaay to seriously. at that instant i almost felt a change in my vision, like i just opened up to the world.
i almost feel reborn today, its so hard to explain. i just feel so relaxed and go with the flow. life aint that big of a deal so i should stop making it out to be one. I still feel a little anxious but i feel as though everything that has been clouding me has been demystified.
Now, I want to remake my room to add some personality and character, I want to grow myself a huge garden, Get myself a decent sense of style that suits me. Start reading books about history and great people, get a grasp on greek and roman mythology, i NEED to get a car, I have to go out more and just go with the flow and relax, and so on.
I feel frustrated at the fact that my parents love me too much in a way, they dont like me going out at night/to parties and make me feel guilty when i do because they dont want to see me grow up and leave. i dont have a car or any transport but them and that truly restricts my ability to live (because everything is so far away driving is really the only feasible form of transport). I feel that, I have no knowledge of interesting things, im frustrated at not having a fully formed character. i need a story of who i am, so many things happen every day that i dont take any notice of and i feel like i need to start keeping a journal of all the awesome things i do.
I just feel as though so much has been put into perspective, like i have some purpose. I havent worked through it all but it feels so significant.
I dont know, Do i sound crazy?
I got (really) high (pot) the other night with a friend. this guy is awesome, he talks and talks and doesnt give a shit, has the funniest stories and just an all round great guy, i sat there just listening to these adventures he has been on and how they were just little things but they were just so amusing. i didnt talk much and that annoyed me.
I looked at myself in the mirror, asked myself "whats my story". nothing came to mind, i had no crazy adventures, i dont do anything risky or i just dont appreciate the little things that really are amusing.
I looked at what i looked like, then looked at my mate. he had a full on sense of style that was unique to him, his room was set up in its own way that almost told a story, he had little rules that he governed his flat with. where as I felt like nothing i was wearing matched me, the way i look conflicted with how i talked, how i held myself, how i dressed and i felt like i was one of those "chumps" of society destined to live a boring 9 to 5 life almost like a slave to a system i was never aware of. I felt apprehensive every time someone invited me out almost as though i felt unsafe.
my analysis of myself went as far as to go into how i played my computer games. every time i play a game and the game got serious, i would save just before i take a game-defining risk. I never took that risk without saving, thats how i live my life, if i dont know what will end up happening and i dont have a "save point", i wont do something.
Compared to my friend where i quote "Oh, what? you want to revolt due to culture difference? *Liquidates city*, Defiance to the crown must be punished accordingly. "
Something like that would NEVER occur to me. its almost like i take everything waaay to seriously. at that instant i almost felt a change in my vision, like i just opened up to the world.
i almost feel reborn today, its so hard to explain. i just feel so relaxed and go with the flow. life aint that big of a deal so i should stop making it out to be one. I still feel a little anxious but i feel as though everything that has been clouding me has been demystified.
Now, I want to remake my room to add some personality and character, I want to grow myself a huge garden, Get myself a decent sense of style that suits me. Start reading books about history and great people, get a grasp on greek and roman mythology, i NEED to get a car, I have to go out more and just go with the flow and relax, and so on.
I feel frustrated at the fact that my parents love me too much in a way, they dont like me going out at night/to parties and make me feel guilty when i do because they dont want to see me grow up and leave. i dont have a car or any transport but them and that truly restricts my ability to live (because everything is so far away driving is really the only feasible form of transport). I feel that, I have no knowledge of interesting things, im frustrated at not having a fully formed character. i need a story of who i am, so many things happen every day that i dont take any notice of and i feel like i need to start keeping a journal of all the awesome things i do.
I just feel as though so much has been put into perspective, like i have some purpose. I havent worked through it all but it feels so significant.
I dont know, Do i sound crazy?
' but outside i was like "cool". the whole time i was anxious because "we are in a cupboard". the whole time i wanted to get out. after we got out (im pretty sure i was being a little bit of a buzz kill in there), i had a think. 