Advice Remain childfree due to chronic stress, motivational problems and aversion to responsibility/Extreme laziness.

[Neuroprotection]

okay, so I’m a 27 year old man and considering getting married soon. don’t want to make this post drag but here’s some background. I come from a big family (eight siblings), One brother has anger problems/Undiagnosed Asperger’s or autism and I’m always worried about the next fight breaking out. in terms of myself, I am relatively introverted with test showing I have the ISFP personality type. I really hate committing to anything, hardly ever finish a task unless I really have to and find long-term planning/time management very difficult. I did very well at university, despite procrastinating severely, because I learned/Forced myself to do all my work planning at university, so I could just write my essays up last minute.
Recently, my procrastination/laziness regarding Work has got worse and i’ve concluded that this is partly due to chronic stress.
With these factors in mind, I feel that holding off having children for several years after marriage if not permanently may be a good idea. does anyone have any advice and or experience with this issue?

 

[Neuroprotection]

here are some questions I have about experiences with children, please forgive me if they sound stupid.

1 in general, how does having one or more children affect the life of a father in terms of work life balance, anxiety/stress and general well-being?

2 do any men or women on here regret having children?

3 has anyone noticed negative personality changes in themselves or their friends after having children?

 

[foodcrisis]

seems like no one wants to answer this thread so i'll give my perspective. i expected some one to say what i was thinking but since i'm not a parent, i was reluctant to answer.

pretty much from what i understand having a kid is a BIG commitment until it reaches the teenage years... pretty much any time you aren't working, you are going to be taking care of the kid. until it's a teen you will need to have a baby sitter if you and your wife can't manage work schedules to take care of the kid. you have to prepare meals for the kids. the kid will want you to attend its sporting events or whatever else it does. the kid will want to invite friends over, those times you'll be left watching after another persons kid... it's a non stop effort from what i've seen from my parents and family members or friends that have kids. even when the kid reaches teenage years you still have to pay for it until it turns 18, at least it's acceptable to leave the kid on it's on though.

with that being said, i think a lot of people couldn't really live and be happy with out having kids esspecially women i have to guess, so if you are really fond of your signifigant other, it seems like you might know what has to be done to keep a relationship.

this is coming from a person that won't be having kids for a few different reasons, i have schizophrenia which is good for me but i could imagine having such an over-active brain could be bad for certain people, i don't feel confident passing that down. i'm on disability and don't recieve much income, maybe i'd want to work a manuel labor and get a little more money and have a kid but i also have a screwed up back after getting hit by a car and jobs that involve thinking don't really go to well for me. i'm pretty scatter brained.. and i also have really thin hair and i know it's tradition girls take a lot of pride in their hair, so i'm apprehensive that i'll get a girl that won't be happy with her looks, kind of a sad way to think, but i have really thin hair and noticed girls that look how society wants tend to be happier or more easily content. PLUS i smoked a ton of weed and that's supposedly not that good for semen, i know it's possible to still have healthy kids smoking, but from what i've read from science if i were a fetus, i'd definitely pick the non drug using sperm as opposed to my own. lol.... not that funny. i get the feeling that as i age i might end up getting depressed that i never had a family, i don't really try to befriend girls cause i kind of believe in "the body and the flesh" part of the bible and feel like why would a girl want my company when they could be with the father of their child. i feel like i wouldn't want to be with a girl with out kids. i know this is kind of off topic from the thread, but i've even thought about trying to befriend schizophrenic girls that are on meds and can't have kids, but i fear my drug use will enable them and they might end up having a bad trip esspecially because they probably want kids deep down and couldn't have them because of meds they are on. i'm guessing i might get lonely and tired of the voices in my head that keep me company now as i age... who knows though...

so aside from my rant about myself. i think there's a lot of room for new people in the world because of all the covid and fentanyl deaths. i'm reading reports that less people are having kids. so people are going to need to have them... sorry if my rant about myself gets depressing or triggered you to not want kids. that's just why i'm not personally having kids.

 

[Foreigner]

Lord have mercy. I read stories like this and wonder why anyone would consider having kids.

Please just don't. Adding kids to this situation is not going to make your life better and it's unfair to the child.

 

[Neuroprotection]

Thanks to both of you for replying here. foodcrisis I especially want to thank you for your detailed reply and I wish you the best with your mental health. whilst I don’t have schizophrenia, I definitely feel scatterbrained, extremely tired/unmotivated/Emotionally exhausted and stressed and all my life I’ve worried about sibling arguments. I think this explains about 99% of why I don’t really want kids and the responsibility that comes with it. i’ll discuss having children with my future wife before we actually get married to see if she is the right one for me.

 

[xtcgrrrl]

As someone who has children, and also has ADHD/depression/anxiety and uses drugs, I will never stop being thankful that I had kids. I never did drugs in front of them, so that’s good. I was deeply depressed for a while because my relationship with my ex was in turmoil, but somehow I managed to raise children who are not assholes. In fact, they’re really good kids, and that’s despite me not because of me. Even though it was really tough for a while, eventually it got easier, whether because they’re older now or because I’m more practiced at being a parent idk. Maybe a bit of both. But I’m now hoping to have a baby with my partner, who I met on this site. I honestly think that you can have mental illness and use drugs (keep in mind, I am saying USE not abuse) and be a good parent. I am in a group called Plant Parenthood that believes that the judicious use of weed and shrooms (maybe as microdoses) can actually make you a BETTER, less stressed, healthier parent.

I do understand your concerns, but keep in mind, none of us are without flaws. Even the people who supposedly do everything right may have generational trauma that they might pass down. Don’t preclude yourself from a fulfilling life experience just because you’re hyperaware of your own flaws.

Good luck to you!

 

[Neuroprotection]

As someone who has children, and also has ADHD/depression/anxiety and uses drugs, I will never stop being thankful that I had kids. I never did drugs in front of them, so that’s good. I was deeply depressed for a while because my relationship with my ex was in turmoil, but somehow I managed to raise children who are not assholes. In fact, they’re really good kids, and that’s despite me not because of me. Even though it was really tough for a while, eventually it got easier, whether because they’re older now or because I’m more practiced at being a parent idk. Maybe a bit of both. But I’m now hoping to have a baby with my partner, who I met on this site. I honestly think that you can have mental illness and use drugs (keep in mind, I am saying USE not abuse) and be a good parent. I am in a group called Plant Parenthood that believes that the judicious use of weed and shrooms (maybe as microdoses) can actually make you a BETTER, less stressed, healthier parent.

I do understand your concerns, but keep in mind, none of us are without flaws. Even the people who supposedly do everything right may have generational trauma that they might pass down. Don’t preclude yourself from a fulfilling life experience just because you’re hyperaware of your own flaws.

Good luck to you!

Thank you so much for your kind words and it’s truly amazing that you manage to raise children with all these conditions. what I probably didn’t make more clear in my previous posts is that I definitely carry some trauma from constant sibling arguments, especially from one Brother with serious anger issues Who would often provoke a fight/argument for no reason and often still does today. I also find disciplining kids impossible as they never listen to me and I give up very easily. children with anger issues seems to run in my family as all of my extended family have at least one child with anger problems. all this, combined with my conditions and hatred of responsibility as well as the fact I’ve grown up around kids all my life, has probably crushed any innate desire I might of felt to have kids. perhaps, after a few years I might change my mind though personally, I doubt it. holding/playing with the babies of my family members or friends every now and again is enough for me.

 

[CFC]

I really hate committing to anything, hardly ever finish a task unless I really have to and find long-term planning/time management very difficult. I did very well at university, despite procrastinating severely, because I learned/Forced myself to do all my work planning at university, so I could just write my essays up last minute.
Recently, my procrastination/laziness regarding Work has got worse and i’ve concluded that this is partly due to chronic stress.

I definitely feel scatterbrained, extremely tired/unmotivated/Emotionally exhausted and stressed and all my life

Do you already have an ADHD diagnosis/have you ever tried to get one? It could help you manage your issues if you're able to understand the relationships between chronic stress and masking (of ADHD/neurodiverse symptoms to fit in etc). If you resolve that and compartmentalize it somewhat, you might have greater clarity for what you really want in terms of other aspirations or goals/plans.

I do also wonder where your desire to have children comes from? I mean, I presume you do want kids and long to be a father or you wouldn't be asking the question. But if you're just thinking about it because 'it's what people do when they're married' then, uh, you may also want to challenge that strand of thought a little more rigorously.

 

[Neuroprotection]

Do you already have an ADHD diagnosis/have you ever tried to get one? It could help you manage your issues if you're able to understand the relationships between chronic stress and masking (of ADHD/neurodiverse symptoms to fit in etc). If you resolve that and compartmentalize it somewhat, you might have greater clarity for what you really want in terms of other aspirations or goals/plans.

I do also wonder where your desire to have children comes from? I mean, I presume you do want kids and long to be a father or you wouldn't be asking the question. But if you're just thinking about it because 'it's what people do when they're married' then, uh, you may also want to challenge that strand of thought a little more rigorously.

Basically, I’ve never been diagnosed with anything and my symptoms have probably been masked by my good grades in education, as well as the fact that my family/community culture Believe that most ADHD/depression is a modern phenomenon.

Regarding having children, it’s more of a cultural thing with people encouraging me to have them. I personally have no desire at all to have children, I don’t see how they would improve my life One bit, but I see 1 million ways of how they could ruin it. that doesn’t mean I don’t love children, I adore them, but I don’t need any of my own. The reason I asked the question is because I wanted to gather peoples opinions and see if anyone else held my opinions. Of course, I will always go with what feels right for me but it is still interesting to see what others think. Those who try to convince me to have kids massively over exaggerate the positives including trying to play on my emotions while simultaneously downplaying the negatives, even going as far as to say that I won’t experience any stressful life changes and in fact, my stress will decrease. That is just pure lying, and of course, I have and will continue to harshly challenge such bogus claims.
There is no doubt that, for many, having children is a very fulfilling experience, but even many people Who have successfully brought up large numbers of kids and loved it still warn that it’s not for everyone and even one child can be too much.

 

[CFC]

Basically, I’ve never been diagnosed with anything and my symptoms have probably been masked by my good grades in education, as well as the fact that my family/community culture Believe that most ADHD/depression is a modern phenomenon.

I've read a fair few of your posts on the forum and to me (someone with diagnosed ADHD) you tick all kinds of explicitly ADHD symptoms, and share many similar experiences and emotional issues (and family dynamics) to myself and my own background. I think it may benefit you more than you think to get a diagnosis. It could start the process for you to unpick aspects of your behavior and emotional experiences that you find stressful and problematic and begin to tackle the causes at root.

As for children, it actually sounds like you've a very clear understanding that - while you love kids in the abstract sense - being a parent isn't one of your ambitions. Definitely go with that. Being a good parent is more than any full-time job, it's a life's mission in and of itself, and should never be just tacked on to other life goals (imo) without considerable thought and preparation.

 

[Neuroprotection]

I've read a fair few of your posts on the forum and to me (someone with diagnosed ADHD) you tick all kinds of explicitly ADHD symptoms, and share many similar experiences and emotional issues (and family dynamics) to myself and my own background. I think it may benefit you more than you think to get a diagnosis. It could start the process for you to unpick aspects of your behavior and emotional experiences that you find stressful and problematic and begin to tackle the causes at root.

As for children, it actually sounds like you've a very clear understanding that - while you love kids in the abstract sense - being a parent isn't one of your ambitions. Definitely go with that. Being a good parent is more than any full-time job, it's a life's mission in and of itself, and should never be just tacked on to other life goals (imo) without considerable thought and preparation.

Thank you so much for your encouragement. I agree with you, the more I hear about ADD symptoms The more I feel I can relate. I was actually very shocked and surprised when I discovered that people with ADHD/ADD can sometimes achieve excellent grades at higher education but then I remembered my own case and the amount of pain, time and stress I would experience from each assignment. I think being a blind, calm and somewhat introverted individual as well as The grades I achieved make those around me falsely believe I am okay.

Since you also have ADHD symptoms, I have an interesting question for you regarding procrastination. have you ever procrastinated during studying until the deadline is close and then either finish the assignment due to the adrenaline rush or been let off. when this happens, do you promise yourself at that moment that you will never procrastinate again, whilst at the same time giving yourself a week or more of well-deserved rest? this is exactly what I’ve done all my life, I already start procrastinating The second I have promised not to.


Have you seen my recent thread on Selegiline? if so, do you have any opinions on this drug?

 

[CFC]

Thank you so much for your encouragement. I agree with you, the more I hear about ADD symptoms The more I feel I can relate. I was actually very shocked and surprised when I discovered that people with ADHD/ADD can sometimes achieve excellent grades at higher education but then I remembered my own case and the amount of pain, time and stress I would experience from each assignment. I think being a blind, calm and somewhat introverted individual as well as The grades I achieved make those around me falsely believe I am okay.

Since you also have ADHD symptoms, I have an interesting question for you regarding procrastination. have you ever procrastinated during studying until the deadline is close and then either finish the assignment due to the adrenaline rush or been let off. when this happens, do you promise yourself at that moment that you will never procrastinate again, whilst at the same time giving yourself a week or more of well-deserved rest? this is exactly what I’ve done all my life, I already start procrastinating The second I have promised not to.

What you're describing is normal, standard ADHD behavior for most of us.

I was the highest scoring student at my university (won all the prizes at uni) and a top 5 graded student in the whole UK at 18. I would never be able to do any work and procrastinate until the overwhelming stress and nausea from feeling that I would fail had almost killed me (sometimes almost literally - I would become suicidal at my inability to start working at uni). At that point, I would sort of meltdown and 'explode' emotionally, and in the adrenaline-fueled mental calm that followed, could hyperfocus like nobody else in the hours or days before an assignment or exam was due, memorize everything, and generally perform flawlessly on the day itself, often producing inspired work which would just flow from me as if another person was doing it all.

Naturally, over time, this highly dysfunctional behavior tends to traumatize us, and the relationship we have with study and achievement becomes painful.

I've never tried selegiline.

 

[Neuroprotection]

What you're describing is normal, standard ADHD behavior for most of us.

I was the highest scoring student at my university (won all the prizes at uni) and a top 5 graded student in the whole UK at 18. I would never be able to do any work and procrastinate until the overwhelming stress and nausea from feeling that I would fail had almost killed me (sometimes almost literally - I would become suicidal at my inability to start working at uni). At that point, I would sort of meltdown and 'explode' emotionally, and in the adrenaline-fueled mental calm that followed, could hyperfocus like nobody else in the hours or days before an assignment or exam was due, memorize everything, and generally perform flawlessly on the day itself, often producing inspired work which would just flow from me as if another person was doing it all.

Naturally, over time, this highly dysfunctional behavior tends to traumatize us, and the relationship we have with study and achievement becomes painful.

I've never tried selegiline.

That’s so helpful, Now I know I’m not alone. it’s so true about the traumatic relationship which people like us have with studying and it’s such a shame because University, at least for me, also brought some of the best and most memorable moments of my life. not sure if you suffer with this as well, but after doing some online research, I think I may suffer from nostalgic depression. this is because I constantly reflect on past experiences/Times and wish I was there, often spending many hours of each day imagining I was back in the past.
I’m not very good at long-term planning but I do have an idea of what I want to do. That’s actually one of countless reasons why I don’t really want children. I’m hoping to use quiet married life to re-establish a healthy work life balance but also to do the silly things I rarely get the opportunity to do, like staying up late and carelessly drinking energy drinks whenever I feel like it, spontaneously going out for meals and a whole host of other fun things.

 

[Neuroprotection]

CFC sorry, I accidentally duplicated your post a few times but given that I’m using a phone with voice software due to my blindness, I’m not able to edit my reply. Actually, I can’t even edit my own posts. When I click on the edit option, it does not allow me to enter the text field. such a shame because most of my past and current posts are full of mistakes, typing errors and duplications that I wish I could clear up.

 

[Skorpio]

CFC sorry, I accidentally duplicated your post a few times but given that I’m using a phone with voice software due to my blindness, I’m not able to edit my reply. Actually, I can’t even edit my own posts. When I click on the edit option, it does not allow me to enter the text field. such a shame because most of my past and current posts are full of mistakes, typing errors and duplications that I wish I could clear up.

Edited it for you

 

[Neuroprotection]

Edited it for you

Thank you very much.

 

[xtcgrrrl]

Since you also have ADHD symptoms, I have an interesting question for you regarding procrastination. have you ever procrastinated during studying until the deadline is close and then either finish the assignment due to the adrenaline rush or been let off. when this happens, do you promise yourself at that moment that you will never procrastinate again, whilst at the same time giving yourself a week or more of well-deserved rest? this is exactly what I’ve done all my life, I already start procrastinating The second I have promised not to.

This is exactly how I did every major assignment, all through college. I was diagnosed with ADHD January 2022.

(High school too; prior to that I’d forget to do my homework or do my homework very painstaking and exactingly and then literally step over it on my way out the door the day it was due)

 

[thujone]

don't worry, if you get married then you'll soon realize that you may as well start having kids because it will most likely make your life easier than it would otherwise be having to tank wife aggro all on your own.

 

[Neuroprotection]

don't worry, if you get married then you'll soon realize that you may as well start having kids because it will most likely make your life easier than it would otherwise be having to tank wife aggro all on your own.

Haha. i’m actually hoping my wife will be working full-time like me, or at least doing her own thing. without kids, i’m hoping we can spend good quality time together and even use some of the extra time to do charity work and maybe even start our own business. I am Arab and whilst our culture has changed dramatically, many still see the perfect wife as being a housewife with lots of kids. i’m hoping for the opposite, a feminine but outgoing, extroverted and independent minded educated woman Who is a pleasure to be around.

 

[xtcgrrrl]

Loads of women these days don’t want children! An exciting life with a fulfilling career and lots of travel maybe? That would appeal to lots of women, I’m sure! You’ll find her. It’s a great thing that you’re exploring your feelings about this now, rather than leaving the door open to it then deciding later that you don’t want them. Either it’ll be too late and you’ll regret it, or you might divorce over it if she’s insistent that she cannot be fulfilled in life without becoming a mother. Finding someone whose life goals and values are similar to yours is the key to relationship success!