Furnace
Ex-Bluelighter
There's nothing stopping me now. Only myself and my own afflictions. The thought of you can tear me apart like a sudden gust of wind through a pile of leaves, the leaves being the pieces of my shattered psyche, the wind being your essence of being.
Slowly, I try to collect them with the rake I call my self-worth, but it's hard when the wind won't stop blowing them around. You try and try, and when you think you've gotten every single leaf, another gust comes by, and destroys everything you worked hard at.
Fatherhood has entered my mind many times now,
I think about my children, and what kind of life I'll be able to give them, and how it won't be the life that I would expect for them, since I truly only care about myself.
Myself. My self.
Where has it gone? Has it dissapeared?
Is it on vacation? Will it return in a blaze of hurt, pain, and rejection? Will I need someone else to replace the empty photo frame in my mind?
Will she return?
Can I ever think of that?
Where? Where can I find solace in this world that seems to torment me over and over? But wait! Perhaps I am the master of my own torment? Take heed, Taz, listen to this schizophrenic self. Understand that you don't need anyone to make you feel whole. You need to fill that hole with something that makes you feel better about what is going on in the world.
But there's so much anguish that cannot be ignored.
Family members are dying off, money is tight, family ties are becoming strained, people need you in order to fufill their daily goals. You run around trying to help everyone, thus, you forget to help yourself. Just try and understand where they are coming from.
Your claustro-nature is becoming the apparent reason for your misfortunes. You try to help everyone, and forget that the one person who doesn't need your help finds it irratating and very weak-willed.
Will you wait for them? Yes.
Do they want you to wait?
I don't know.
Please, don't call for help, because there's no drug, no kind of therapy, no person that can help me.
Depend on yourself, and become the person you're afraid to become.
Self-reliant, alone,
but always with friends that lie in your memories and in your heart.
Just take this anger, frustration and hurt and push it down until it doesn't register on your scale of emotion.
Lose yourself within the words, and realize that everyone makes mistakes, we just don't agree on what is a mistake
and what is not.
[ 25 January 2002: Message edited by: Furnace ]
Slowly, I try to collect them with the rake I call my self-worth, but it's hard when the wind won't stop blowing them around. You try and try, and when you think you've gotten every single leaf, another gust comes by, and destroys everything you worked hard at.
Fatherhood has entered my mind many times now,
I think about my children, and what kind of life I'll be able to give them, and how it won't be the life that I would expect for them, since I truly only care about myself.
Myself. My self.
Where has it gone? Has it dissapeared?
Is it on vacation? Will it return in a blaze of hurt, pain, and rejection? Will I need someone else to replace the empty photo frame in my mind?
Will she return?
Can I ever think of that?
Where? Where can I find solace in this world that seems to torment me over and over? But wait! Perhaps I am the master of my own torment? Take heed, Taz, listen to this schizophrenic self. Understand that you don't need anyone to make you feel whole. You need to fill that hole with something that makes you feel better about what is going on in the world.
But there's so much anguish that cannot be ignored.
Family members are dying off, money is tight, family ties are becoming strained, people need you in order to fufill their daily goals. You run around trying to help everyone, thus, you forget to help yourself. Just try and understand where they are coming from.
Your claustro-nature is becoming the apparent reason for your misfortunes. You try to help everyone, and forget that the one person who doesn't need your help finds it irratating and very weak-willed.
Will you wait for them? Yes.
Do they want you to wait?
I don't know.
Please, don't call for help, because there's no drug, no kind of therapy, no person that can help me.
Depend on yourself, and become the person you're afraid to become.
Self-reliant, alone,
but always with friends that lie in your memories and in your heart.
Just take this anger, frustration and hurt and push it down until it doesn't register on your scale of emotion.
Lose yourself within the words, and realize that everyone makes mistakes, we just don't agree on what is a mistake
and what is not.
[ 25 January 2002: Message edited by: Furnace ]
