relearning old things.

[Raz]

I'm a stranger here surrounded by friends because I know more about who I am than you do.

All I am is insecurity and fear and I know you think the worst of me in some closed off corner of your soul, it's just that you need help to see that. You don't know it's there because I never gave you a reason to look.

Now though...now you will look. Now you will see that my steel resolve is a crepe paper vault, and all that it holds is air. Now you will see the power of tears, and how salt water can rust through any surface.

I value our friendship more than I value myself, and that flies in the face of all that I have preached. I am more and less than you think I am, and the longer you look the more you will see.

My weakness;
my hurt;
my need;

and I am so very very tired.

I lay down to sleep now and take with me the swirling confusion that confounds my head these days, something to fill that vault. I take with me memories of when things were good, and I try to find a way to reconstruct that in my slumber because I know I will hurt us more when I wake.

This is not a new awakening for both of us, I saw these things before. I thought I had evolved beyond them, but maybe true evolution is something extinct in this age when everything else is deconstructed and torn apart around us. Maybe devolution is the new theory we should follow, and those who accept their place as mewling scavengers who kill the things they love will be the ones to survive.

Maybe it's not even about survival anymore. Maybe there is some other imperative to follow these urges that will become clear as time goes by...or maybe it won't become clear at all and it's best to accept that fear is the natural home of all things.

I hope these truths don't hurt you anymore than they need to; I would lock myself away if I thought that it would help, but the nature of people is to inflict themselves upon others and I can't find a way around that. I suppose my hope is that you will learn to forgive when you learn to understand.

I know I don't make much sense...maybe at the end of the day, all that really matters is this: I love you and I'm sorry I hurt you. But it's going to happen again.

 

[FoxyKel]

I value our friendship more than I value myself, and that flies in the face of all that I have preached.

I hear you, hon.

I hope you had a lovely Christmas and New Year, and that you are taking care of yourself, my friend.

always,
Kelle.

 

[Dastrix Slogan]

Raz this is bloody beautiful. Too often we ignore the ugly truth that is life when we are in love.

 

[5FACES]

I love you and I'm sorry I hurt you. But it's going to happen again.

WOW! Such beautiful and so very truthful words!

 

[Mary Poppins]

that last line is a killer raz.

i also loved " my steel resolve is a crepe paper vault" - fantastic metaphor.

it's so nice to read some good prose....i really enjoy it as you can grab hold of it more so than a poem

 

[stellablue]

So true in so many ways. Then you wonder who is on your side. If any.