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Relationship question, could i get some answers from guys?

BlueSaffron

BlueSaffron

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 11, 2013
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Buying bacon at the Aloha Snackbar
So, I think guys and girls are fundamentally different in a lot of ways, that's why I ask this. The guy I was seeing, everything was going good, he was getting more and more affectionate, and I felt the same so I started returning it.. but I'm afraid I returned it a little too much, because he's suddenly gone distant. I asked him straight up if we were still cool a few days ago and he said yes, and I said "You would tell me if we weren't, right?" and he said "Yes, I'd tell you that I've thought about it and because of XYZ, I don't think we should see eachother anymore". I must not have looked/sounded convinced, because then he said "I'm serious, you should apply to work in my building, it'd be so convenient". (we'd been talking about that the other day as a way for us to see eachother more - HIS idea, not mine).

So that made me feel better... but he's still distant when we text - not all the time but sometimes, when before he wasn't at all. And for the last two and a half months he texted me everyday, and now he skips a day once in a while. It's not the skipping the days itself, it's the fact that before it was everyday and now it's not, you know?

So I asked a couple friends and they said it sounds like he wants space. So I can respect that, and I'm trying to give it to him, except... I'm a girl. We think different. I keep thinking "but if I give him space he's going to think I don't give a shit if we keep seeing eachother". I'm so afraid of that :/ Nine times out of ten when we text (we text more than talk on the phone), he starts it - that's how it's always been. So like today he hasn't texted me - not yet anyway. I think he might be busy at work but it's just - I can't help stressing.

I care. It's too late, you know? We were supposed to just be FWB but it turned into something more and it's just too late, it's too fucking late, I'm practically in love now and I give a shit, I can't just be all blase like oh he texts or he doesn't text who cares. He's the bright spot in my life - I have a lot going on right now and hes the one good thing in my life and I don't want to lose him.

So I guess I'm asking - guys, if you backed off a little bit from a girl (but still told her you wanted to see her), and she gave you the space you wanted - would you think that she must not care - cos if she cared, she'd keep texting/calling, to make sure things are ok between you two?
 
Also - if you wanted out but were afraid to hurt a girls feelings, and then she presented you with an out - "Do you want to still see eachother? Please just tell me either way" - would you take the opportunity to tell her its over?
 
Admittedly I didn't read the whole post but right after the conversation you guys appearently had, by the looks of it it seems as if he is just interested in being friends.
Here's how I see it

You asked if you guys are "cool"(terrible choice of wording) amd he says yes but he also said you guys shouldn't see eachother anymore but goes on to say you should work with him.
He also had a terrible choice of words cause by "not seeing eachother" I think he means you shouldn't try to progress into a relationship. I'll read more when I have time
 
"Yes, I'd tell you that I've thought about it and because of XYZ, I don't think we should see eachother anymore".

Did I misunderstand this sentence?
This is what I'm basing my opinion on
 
Yes, you misunderstood. I asked him, "IF" you didn't want to see me, would you tell me? And he replied "IF I didn't want to see you, I would tell you we can't see eachother anymore because of XYZ". We were talking about a hypothetical, what he would do IF he didn't want to see me.
 
No. If he wants the space and you give it to him, doesn't that prove that you actually DO care.

And I wouldn't too much about the texting. it sounds like some miscommuication, maybe some slightly unrealistic expectations, and a naivete in the world of guy-speak. When guy says "I'll talk to you later" or "I'll text ya later", he doesn't mean later THAT DAY. He means at some point not now, preferably when he has something to say. Most guys (the ones that I know anyways) aren't into chit chat. They won't just call or text someone to call or text someone. There has to be a reason.

What I would watch out for, and avoid like the plague, is working with this guy. As the saying goes, Don't Shit Where You Eat. It may seem like a good idea at the time, you two will be able to see each other more often, but the detriments far outweigh the benefits. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. If you guys have a fight, instead of having an 8 hour shift to think about it, cool off a bit, and return to your partner with a clear head/apology if necessary/whatever, you'd have to stare each other in the face, post fight, maybe even tempted to continue said argument. I've dated in the workplace and it has ended badly each time.
 
Oh hahaha

Ok disregard my first post.


It's hard to say really. I think you should just ask him straight up how he feels about you and if he would be interested in starting a relationship. Tell him your feelings.
Don't play games waiting for him to start doing the work. Nothing pissed me off more than people who play games regarding love it does nothing but cause confusion and pain. All you'll get from waiting around to find out is more pain and wasted time.

Ask him.
If he says yes, you get what you want and hopefully this gs work out for you.
If he says no, well.. that sucks but at least you won't be wasting time oogling over him when he doesn't share the same feelings.

I don't think males and females are really all that different.. but their social groupings make them feel that way. Ignore anyone trying to tell you what he MIGHT be thinking and ask him yourself. You can't read his mind, nor any girl, nor any guy.

It's in your best interest just to tell him how you feel.
 
joonya77 said:
No. If he wants the space and you give it to him, doesn't that prove that you actually DO care.
Click to expand...

I know you're right... it's just so hard to give him space when I'm still stressing that something's wrong. I asked him, he said things were fine.. so I know I shouldn't ask again because that just looks needy and annoying.. but at the same time, even though he said things are fine, he's still being distant. So i can't help worrying.

It doesn't help that I recently lost my job (business relocated) and I have nothing to do - I mean I'm going on interviews but it still leaves a lot of downtime to sit at home and think. And worry.

And I wouldn't too much about the texting. it sounds like some miscommuication, maybe some slightly unrealistic expectations, and a naivete in the world of guy-speak. When guy says "I'll talk to you later" or "I'll text ya later", he doesn't mean later THAT DAY. He means at some point not now, preferably when he has something to say. Most guys (the ones that I know anyways) aren't into chit chat. They won't just call or text someone to call or text someone. There has to be a reason.
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Oh I know that... but he's been texting me pretty much daily for almost three months now, so him skipping a day is another thing that makes me worry. Justified or not.

What I would watch out for, and avoid like the plague, is working with this guy. As the saying goes, Don't Shit Where You Eat. It may seem like a good idea at the time, you two will be able to see each other more often, but the detriments far outweigh the benefits. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. If you guys have a fight, instead of having an 8 hour shift to think about it, cool off a bit, and return to your partner with a clear head/apology if necessary/whatever, you'd have to stare each other in the face, post fight, maybe even tempted to continue said argument. I've dated in the workplace and it has ended badly each time.
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ChipTrippyFox - the thing is, I asked him already, you know? I asked if things were still cool with us and he said "yes, relax." We were just meant to be FWB, this isn't really like a dating situation, it's more a FWB situation that's turned into more. I have no intention of "playing games" or "expecting him to do all the work". I came right out and asked him if we were still cool and said if we weren't, he should just tell me - and he told me things were fine. I don't want to ask him again because I don't want to nag at him about something he already answered. It's just that his distance bothers me.. but I guess all I can do is wait and see what happens, and give him the space he wants.
 
Could be that there's shit going on in his life bothering him that has nothing to do with you. Can't take it personally. It might be that he doesn't want to make his issues your issues. You might try ask him "how's life? how's work? how's whatever".
 
BlueSaffron said:
Also - if you wanted out but were afraid to hurt a girls feelings, and then she presented you with an out - "Do you want to still see eachother? Please just tell me either way" - would you take the opportunity to tell her its over?
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In my experience, no. Guys won't tell you this honestly even if you ask them point blank. They'll keep saying "Of course I still love you" while pulling further and further away until you finally catch on. My advice is to not initiate contact - wait until he gets in touch with you, if he does.
 
Back before technology, some couples would go months without talking to eachother.. when they did, it was a single letter and they had to wait months for a reply. Phones put a lot of stress on a relationship.. you really can't be expected to tap away on a blank screen all day, there's many more important things to do than to ask what someone is having for lunch.



My advice would be, if you want to talk to him: do it. If you overthink things and get insecure, he's likely to sense that and it's a very unattractive prospect. At the same time, being overly pushy is only going to scare him away. Just let things play out, it's honestly very unhealthy to have a relationship where you think you need to talk all the time for things to be OK.. perhaps this could be the one that allows you to mature from "teen love"?
 
That's the problem, by asking if you're "cool" you aren't saying anything. being cool doesn't mean you're on your way to a relationship.. you ARE expecting somthing to happen for you by not taking the initiative yourself.

Let me give you an example.
I'm cool with my mom, does this mean we are dating? (No)
Im cool with my friends. Does that mean we are on our way to relationships? (No)
Im cool with my partner as well.

Being "cool" doesn't mean jack shit when it comes to somthing serious like love.
Unless you've told him that you love him in those words, you can't claim to have told him.

As far as he is concerned, being cool means that he isn't angry with you.

I'm not trying to be rude. But eigther we aren't getting the whole story or you need some tough love.
 
Folley said:
Back before technology, some couples would go months without talking to eachother.. when they did, it was a single letter and they had to wait months for a reply. Phones put a lot of stress on a relationship.. you really can't be expected to tap away on a blank screen all day, there's many more important things to do than to ask what someone is having for lunch.



My advice would be, if you want to talk to him: do it. If you overthink things and get insecure, he's likely to sense that and it's a very unattractive prospect. At the same time, being overly pushy is only going to scare him away. Just let things play out, it's honestly very unhealthy to have a relationship where you think you need to talk all the time for things to be OK.. perhaps this could be the one that allows you to mature from "teen love"?
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I agree getting insecure is something he'll sense.. but people seem to be missing something here, I don't know why. Like I said - for three months he's texted me everyday and been extremely affectionate. Now in the last week he's gone distant and is texting less. It's the change in behaviour that makes me wonder. Its not "everythings fine and I'm just suddenly tripping about how much we talk". It's a 180 from how things were just recently. I don't "think we need to talk all the time for things to be ok". Reread my post. It's the change in behaviour.
 
I don't think this is a boy/girl problem as it is a plain ol' FWB problem, which is to say that the way *anyone* (you or him or any couple) would react if the tables were turned will tell you everything you need to know. To wit: if you told him you wanted space, and he kept texting and calling, would you be more or less inclined to want that space?
 
He didn't say he wanted space tho - he said everything's fine. But he acts distant.

If the tables were turned? They wouldn't be, because I wouldn't do this to someone - act affectionate and let them think I cared about them, then suddenly go cold, but insist everything is fine. I would never in a million years do that to someone.

I dunno guys, my heart just hurts. That's all.
 
BlueSaffron said:
I dunno guys, my heart just hurts. That's all.
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Hang in there BS. Love hurts the most.

You said he's always the one who contacts you first? Why don't you send him a message? To be honest, I crack the shits when Im ALWAYS the first person to initiate convosation with a girl and it's never reciprocated, not even once. Going through something similar at the moment. I'm just going to ignore this girl, if she wants to contact me she will. I fancy her, but I can't allow myself to get caught up over something I have no control over.

I hope things get cleared up I you guys soon. I also agree with everyone who have commented about you using the word "cool". I think it's time to be completely honest or wires will remain tangled, it seems.
 
BlueSaffron said:
So I guess I'm asking - guys, if you backed off a little bit from a girl (but still told her you wanted to see her), and she gave you the space you wanted - would you think that she must not care - cos if she cared, she'd keep texting/calling, to make sure things are ok between you two?
Click to expand...

Men tend to be more informational in their communication style. If you don't get a text it might just be he doesn't have anything to say. Doesn't necessarily mean he isn't interested in talking to you.

Generally I find myself responding to texts/emails, rarely sending first. Responses are tend to be brief, possibly delayed - but that doesn't mean that I'm not enjoying the exchange.
 
Well our interaction yesterday (that I initiated) was a whole two sentences... but as hard as it was, I didn't text him again, I let him be...

And this am bright and early I got a "good morning, beautiful" text. Maybe there IS something to this "giving guys their space" thing :)
 
Eh I think you're trying to hard to diagnose behaviour into two broad carte gorges of male and female instead of looking at the psychology of humans in general and how every individual is different.

But I wish you best of luck
 
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