Relationship issues - long

[SLR help required]

I would really appreciate some advice. I'm a 31-year-old, passionate, successful (according to others): good looking, smart and sexy dude. In the past, I used to use these traits to be with a lot of girls. I was never really into one night stands (not that I didn't partake frequently in the beginning); I was more the type of guy that would have serial relationships. I would rarely have a relationship which lasted over 6 months and they would commonly last around 1-3. If I'm completely honest, I had a sex addiction. But I didn't go out so much to get off with random people in a way that pleased me. I always liked to really get to know a girl and learn what pleased her. It was the psychological state of pleasing others sexually which got me off.

For example, I sometimes like to do some things which fewer girls enjoy, but, if I was with someone who wasn't so inclined, this never bothered me. If a girl was interested in similar kink to me, I would oblige, and if she was interested in making love, I enjoyed that just as much.

My problem was that it didn't matter which girl I was seeing, once she started to really like me, I would lose interest and break it off. And, in most cases, these girls were very cool and intelligent people. [This behavioural pattern began after I recovered from being dumped by my first love].

I'm well and truly aware of how terrible my actions were, and I've made steps to change. For the last two years (until recently) I've remained celibate.

The last relationship I had was with a girl from overseas. I studied in her country on exchange and we saw each other for around 5 months. It was a passionate and sexual relationship which I found fulfilling on a number of levels. Our connection was so enjoyable that I decided to return to her country and work after returning home for 6 months. Unfortunately, during this time, I had a sexual relationship with another woman which I (of course) ended when I went back overseas.

I spent another 6 months with the girl overseas, making it the longest relationship I've ever had. When I left the second time, she was completely devastated. Being with her at the airport, seeing her in so much pain, was the moment I realised just how horrible I had been in the past.

When I arrived back in my country, I vowed to stop my behaviour and learn how to build platonic relationships which didn't involve me desiring sex with whichever girl I was attracted to. I've had great success, but over the course of these two years, I've made one close and caring friendship with someone in particular. This girl is amazing and she is my best friend. I'm pretty sure she loves me and maybe I love her, but I'm really confused.

Sexually we're very different people - I'm very experienced and, because of a psychological issue, she's very inexperienced (but feels comfortable with me). This imbalance is not a bother to me. There is a large part of me which feels good about the prospect of helping her overcome this issue, but I'm scared that I'll end up hurting her. I don't know if I will return to my old pattern of behaviour and the thought kills me.

Another thing is I'm still friends with the girl overseas. And, while I'm not entirely sure, I don't know if she has been with anyone since I left. I think she has gone on a few dates, but nothing substantial has materialised. The thought of hurting this girl is also a worry to me. We broke up when I left, but we've chatted a couple of times a week the last two years I've been celibate. She knows about this, and even though I've encouraged her to be with someone else, I think my celibacy has been something she has attributed to our connection, which may be true in some ways.

I've done so well with not using people that I'm not sure I want to get back into relationships. Could it be possible that I love both these girls? Or that I don't love either of them? The friend I slept with recently was with another guy the weekend before and it destroyed me. This is kind of what led to us sleeping with each other. She is not really the type of girl I used to see, but there is no doubt we understand each other very deeply. I find her to be supportive in a way that is truly magical, and I've always been honest with her about everything. Could it be that I am supposed to start dating again? With this girl who is my best friend, but very different than the girls I used to date?

Stopping what I was doing was difficult, but with time I've found it more and more rewarding.

I just find this so confusing.

I don't want to hurt anyone ever again.

 

[Ninjacandy]

The best relationships are the ones, where you build up a friendship first, and you are best friends! I say go for it! (Not with the girl overseas, but the best friend)

You just have to keep telling yourself not to hurt her, if you begin to feel that it is becoming a problem again. But do you really think it will, given the feelings you have build up for her?

 

[footscrazy]

The friend I slept with recently was with another guy the weekend before and it destroyed me. This is kind of what led to us sleeping with each other.

I'm a bit confused by this bit - so you have slept with your best friend? Or is this someone different?

I think the fact you're so scared of hurting someone shows you have developed a level of insight that you didn't have before. I think being aware of yourself like this will help you act in a more caring and empathetic way. It's a good thing. From what you've described though, your best friend sounds like someone who is fairly sensitive, and may take it very hard if the relationship went sour. I think it's great you care so deeply about not hurting her - and it sounds like you have a special friendship.

I suppose I wonder about the typical question in situations like these - whether the friendship is worth risking for a relationship that may or may not turn out well. You're not sure whether you love her in that way - do you think maybe you just feel like this situation should develop into a relationship? I wonder if perhaps there's some element of you that's simply convincing yourself that's what you want, because that's what 'should' happen, and she ticks all the boxes, so why wouldn't you? I think though that a friendship can be just as precious as a relationship, and you don't necessarily need to take it any further. I think you would be more sure if you really did love this person, in a romantic way. That, in combination with your fears about hurting her, makes me think that perhaps you should just remain friends for now, and not make any hasty decisions that can never be turned back. Do you think it'd be possible to be honest with her about your feelings - about your fears of hurting her, and that you care for her deeply, but aren't sure whether it's 'love' in that sense?

 

[iLoveYouWithaKnife]

I'm kind of confused about what you are asking.

You seem to be very ashamed of your relationships, to even go as far as saying that you "used" the other person.
If I am grasping this correctly: You never cheated on anyone. You just dated one girl at a time- and sooner or later (mostly when the girl started to show more interest in you, and grew more feelings for you than you did for her) you broke up with her, and moved onto someone else.

I don't really see anything wrong with this. Some people aren't "commitment-type" of people, and even though they like to be in a monogamous relationship, over time they grow bored and want out. Like I said, I personally don't see anything wrong with that.

Maybe I'm missing something here. ?

Anyway- I'm also a bit confused because I'm not really getting what you are saying about the girl overseas. Are you saying that you are feeling guilty because you still talk to her, but you want to (maybe) be with this girl who is your best friend? If that's the case, I mean, come on. You broke up with her when you left- and unless you are planning on going back there to persue a relationship with her, than what does it matter?

As far as new girl: You said that she slept with some other guy the weekend before and it totally destroyed you- then led to you sleeping with her.
Why did it totally destroy you? Just because you really like her? And how did her sleeping with someone else, lead you to sleeping with her? I don't get that.

Regardless, bottom line is: Usually in a relationship, at one point- someone gets hurt. It's inevitable.
You need to never feel guilty about how you feel, and you should persue what you think will make you happy.
If it turns out it wasn't what you wanted- then so what... at least you tried.

 

[Lysis]

Well, me 4, OP. I am confused as well. You are seeing another girl in the country where you're at, but there is this other girl in another country who still hopes you guys will get back together? It just sounds to me as if the girl in the other country needs to be cut loose. It sounds mean, but it's even meaner stringing her along.

 

[SLR help required]

Re: http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/threads/662498-Relationship-issues-long SLR

Thank you for your replies guys. After careful deliberation, and speaking openly and honestly with the girls involved, I've taken Lysis' advice. I've chosen to sever contact with the girl overseas and focus on what's going on at home.

Sorry about the ambiguity, too. I suppose it was a deep decision for me to make.

Thanks again