Okay so my gf of about 2 years broke up with me, seemingly for good this time, about a month ago. I love and am in love with this girl. But her final reasoning is that I've hurt her one too many times with drugs... Which I'll admit I've been a dumbass with her and this shit. The first year of our relationship I only drank, and it was awesome. Great sex, always had fun together and great intimacy and communication (I'm 26 she's 24, both fairly mature and goal oriented). She turned into the perfect girl, although I did have my reservations (stories of her past, being a parties and promiscuous bla bla. She did go to Arizona State lol) but hey I had my past too (drugs, a lot). I had been completely clean for about a year and had just started drinking again, and like I said the first year was awesome. She waited on me all the time and was very attentive, and we both loved to go above and beyond to make each other happy.
Fast forward few months, I am an idiot and start using heeroin again. She has no idea what it's about, and her using too is out of the question (she's done coke a few times in college, and rolled probably once a year). But addicts being great manipulators, I played it off and said it was no big deal. I can stop whenever it wasn't a problem. Then it progressively got worse as it does, she started finding spoons and rigs and I start lying about where I'm at and obviously the sexy and intimacy go away. I go to a rehab for 16 days (insurance ran out) and talk her jnto moving in together straight out of it. Problem is I stayed on suboxone the whole time in the rehab, so when I got out I was sick and immediately justified taking vicodinds and other pain killers. Lasted about a week, and back to heroin. Basically same story for the next 4-5 months. She's working and coming home to find me high all the time, I'm lying to her thinking she's buying it that I'm born in the Bathroom shooting up, I promise I'll stop I try for a few days with subs no luck. At this point she's coming home from work and seeing me high, going into the walk in closer and crying her eyes out because she doesn't know what to do. My best friend moves in with us because she thinks he'll help me get clean, but starts using with me instead. She kicks him out, he ODs and passes away 3 days later. I'm a wreck and don't really care about anything at this point, and find that she's texting another guy her gs set her up with because her friends know about me using. They try to get her as far away from me as possible whenever they can, but my gf still loves me and has hope.
I finally agree to go to detox and a full serious 30 day rehab, and want to do it right. I go, get clean, get out and stay at her dads house (she had moved out of our condo before I checked into rehab, big reason I went). Stay clean for a week, start using again and she knows right away. I had big plans to move out of state to play college football again, and so so about a week later. She planned to move up there with me after a few months of me being there, but first time visiting she see a text in my phone that I'm having oxys shipped to me there. Obliviously has huge reservations about moving there now, and I can't argue. Basically the relationship is so strained at this point, whatever mending had ocurred with the 30 day program was gone and resentment was setting in for her I could see it. Of course being out of state it's lot easier to use and lie to her about it, so ahe doesn't know I'm still getting high. I finally make the decision to move back home to get clean again and fix the relationship for good, I'm head over heels for this girl still. She flies up to drive back with me, suspects me using but doesn't catch me. We make it home, and she I ally sees my arms which have track marks and calmly says "I'm done, I can't do this anymore". (I forgot that she tried to break up with me a few weeks prior too, but I convince her it's just the long distance and I'll come home to fix it). I stay the night at her house still, and leave in the morning. I didn't know if she was truly serious or not, but she made sure I got the fact that she was. She said I had just done too much, and all she sees with me is how bad I hurt her the times she cried in the closet and lied to her, and how our relationship has been terrible the past year after starting so great. She says she could never marry me now, because what if we have kids and I start using again? She doesn't want to take that chance, she can't live through that again. She's not happy, and I thought me coming home and getting clean would fix that but she didn't even want to give me the chance anymore.
It's been a little over a month since then, and I actually am doing very very well. She's doing great she says, and has set and is on the path for personal goals she has set. She's doing a fitness competition and is Savin money to buy her own condo, and says she is enjoying being independent and being on her own. I guess my question is this, if she said take me back I would do it in a heartbeat, I obviously am still very in love with her. (I wouldn't be that quick to jump to it, gotta play the pimp part a little bit and act uninterested if that did happen) but honestly I'm getting mixed signals from her. I would try to stay in contact with her for the first couple weeks, but just let it go after she would either ignore me or respond very short and almost like talking to an aunt or uncle. That pissed me off to no end, so I haven't contacted her at all.
She finally texts me today to ask how I am after about 3 weeks of silence, and I don't respond. She calls me tonight just to make sure in alright, and we have an amazing conversation just like we used to when we first got together. It's hard for either of us to hang up, and this isn't just me hoping that I know her and can read her very well. We say our goodbyes, and of course I'm kinda dumb and text her that I miss her a lot and say I love you. She responds with it might not have been the best idea to call and that she's sorry, and is just glad that I'm doing well. I should have left it at that, but I go on to ask her about this dude that used to try and get at her before we dated, I noticed they're friends again on Facebook and he's liking all her Instagram photos, and she with some of his as well. I know she's at least attracted to him, but she knows that that would erk me to no end (i swear I'm not racist, my best friends are black, but this guys half black and I never have and never will date a girl who's hooked up with a black dude. Just my thing, after playing football my whole life and hearing talk in the locker room, it is my belief that black dudes do not respect women and any girl who would subject herself to that has issues. Obviously I don't believe all black dudes don't respect women, but I'm not gonna play the lottery on that one). So I straight up ask her about him, pointing out the evidence. She says I have nothing to worry about, and that she's seen him one time at the bar he bar tends at when she went with her friends that's it. She's just really working on herself, and I believe her so I'm a little relieved. But now I'm self conscious because I already look Jesus and desperate, after gaining a little upper hand by not talking to her and then not responding ( I don't like to play games but sometimes it's necessary, women are insane and I'll never fully understand them) I blame it on my friends mmemorial I just attended and I'm emotional, and say goodnight again for real this time.
Sooooo sorry about the novel, but what would you guys do? If I try to get her back eventually, how long do I wait, how do I go about it? Like I said, if I stay doing the right things long enough a big part of me believes she'll come around, but the other part truly thinks she's over it for good. What are your thoughts? Thank you in advance for reading all of that, I appreciate everyone in this forum!
Fast forward few months, I am an idiot and start using heeroin again. She has no idea what it's about, and her using too is out of the question (she's done coke a few times in college, and rolled probably once a year). But addicts being great manipulators, I played it off and said it was no big deal. I can stop whenever it wasn't a problem. Then it progressively got worse as it does, she started finding spoons and rigs and I start lying about where I'm at and obviously the sexy and intimacy go away. I go to a rehab for 16 days (insurance ran out) and talk her jnto moving in together straight out of it. Problem is I stayed on suboxone the whole time in the rehab, so when I got out I was sick and immediately justified taking vicodinds and other pain killers. Lasted about a week, and back to heroin. Basically same story for the next 4-5 months. She's working and coming home to find me high all the time, I'm lying to her thinking she's buying it that I'm born in the Bathroom shooting up, I promise I'll stop I try for a few days with subs no luck. At this point she's coming home from work and seeing me high, going into the walk in closer and crying her eyes out because she doesn't know what to do. My best friend moves in with us because she thinks he'll help me get clean, but starts using with me instead. She kicks him out, he ODs and passes away 3 days later. I'm a wreck and don't really care about anything at this point, and find that she's texting another guy her gs set her up with because her friends know about me using. They try to get her as far away from me as possible whenever they can, but my gf still loves me and has hope.
I finally agree to go to detox and a full serious 30 day rehab, and want to do it right. I go, get clean, get out and stay at her dads house (she had moved out of our condo before I checked into rehab, big reason I went). Stay clean for a week, start using again and she knows right away. I had big plans to move out of state to play college football again, and so so about a week later. She planned to move up there with me after a few months of me being there, but first time visiting she see a text in my phone that I'm having oxys shipped to me there. Obliviously has huge reservations about moving there now, and I can't argue. Basically the relationship is so strained at this point, whatever mending had ocurred with the 30 day program was gone and resentment was setting in for her I could see it. Of course being out of state it's lot easier to use and lie to her about it, so ahe doesn't know I'm still getting high. I finally make the decision to move back home to get clean again and fix the relationship for good, I'm head over heels for this girl still. She flies up to drive back with me, suspects me using but doesn't catch me. We make it home, and she I ally sees my arms which have track marks and calmly says "I'm done, I can't do this anymore". (I forgot that she tried to break up with me a few weeks prior too, but I convince her it's just the long distance and I'll come home to fix it). I stay the night at her house still, and leave in the morning. I didn't know if she was truly serious or not, but she made sure I got the fact that she was. She said I had just done too much, and all she sees with me is how bad I hurt her the times she cried in the closet and lied to her, and how our relationship has been terrible the past year after starting so great. She says she could never marry me now, because what if we have kids and I start using again? She doesn't want to take that chance, she can't live through that again. She's not happy, and I thought me coming home and getting clean would fix that but she didn't even want to give me the chance anymore.
It's been a little over a month since then, and I actually am doing very very well. She's doing great she says, and has set and is on the path for personal goals she has set. She's doing a fitness competition and is Savin money to buy her own condo, and says she is enjoying being independent and being on her own. I guess my question is this, if she said take me back I would do it in a heartbeat, I obviously am still very in love with her. (I wouldn't be that quick to jump to it, gotta play the pimp part a little bit and act uninterested if that did happen) but honestly I'm getting mixed signals from her. I would try to stay in contact with her for the first couple weeks, but just let it go after she would either ignore me or respond very short and almost like talking to an aunt or uncle. That pissed me off to no end, so I haven't contacted her at all.
She finally texts me today to ask how I am after about 3 weeks of silence, and I don't respond. She calls me tonight just to make sure in alright, and we have an amazing conversation just like we used to when we first got together. It's hard for either of us to hang up, and this isn't just me hoping that I know her and can read her very well. We say our goodbyes, and of course I'm kinda dumb and text her that I miss her a lot and say I love you. She responds with it might not have been the best idea to call and that she's sorry, and is just glad that I'm doing well. I should have left it at that, but I go on to ask her about this dude that used to try and get at her before we dated, I noticed they're friends again on Facebook and he's liking all her Instagram photos, and she with some of his as well. I know she's at least attracted to him, but she knows that that would erk me to no end (i swear I'm not racist, my best friends are black, but this guys half black and I never have and never will date a girl who's hooked up with a black dude. Just my thing, after playing football my whole life and hearing talk in the locker room, it is my belief that black dudes do not respect women and any girl who would subject herself to that has issues. Obviously I don't believe all black dudes don't respect women, but I'm not gonna play the lottery on that one). So I straight up ask her about him, pointing out the evidence. She says I have nothing to worry about, and that she's seen him one time at the bar he bar tends at when she went with her friends that's it. She's just really working on herself, and I believe her so I'm a little relieved. But now I'm self conscious because I already look Jesus and desperate, after gaining a little upper hand by not talking to her and then not responding ( I don't like to play games but sometimes it's necessary, women are insane and I'll never fully understand them) I blame it on my friends mmemorial I just attended and I'm emotional, and say goodnight again for real this time.
Sooooo sorry about the novel, but what would you guys do? If I try to get her back eventually, how long do I wait, how do I go about it? Like I said, if I stay doing the right things long enough a big part of me believes she'll come around, but the other part truly thinks she's over it for good. What are your thoughts? Thank you in advance for reading all of that, I appreciate everyone in this forum!
