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TDS Relationship fears & worries

BabyGurl3171

BabyGurl3171

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May 25, 2010
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In my mind. The choices are many, the consequences
I really need advice. I feel like I'm in such a fucked situation. I started dating this guy about 8 months ago. We've been living together for about 4 months. I fell in love. He was perfect but not so perfect that I would question him. Ya know? We had the same beliefs and all. Slowly others noticed him changing. Then I did. First it was the typical withhold love if he was mad. Then he had started yelling at me. Then the names started and such. Nothing physical. But, for example, our fight Sat he told me he no longer loves me, I was just his whore (6 guys in 35 yrs, not a whore imo). He said the fact he wanted to marry me makes him wanna puke. Then last night he wakes me up at 3 am (drunk & high. He's started using) knowing I have to be up at 6 for the kids. He's like we're talking now. Then he says why should I be stupid and give you another chance. I'm not perfect but his complaints are I get bitchy and he doesn't feel I appreciate him. I love this man to death but I just don't know if it's gonna get better. I also don't want the verbal abuse to go physical. Been there with an ex. I know people will be like "duh leave stupid" but the thought of losing him crushes me. But also now I'm not allowed to have friends over bc he says they're trying to break us up. I can make it financially alone. It'll be hard and tight but I can. I'm just so heart broken. Thanks for reading. Sorry so long.
 
Hi there BabyGurl,

I'm sorry to hear that you're in such a relationship. I know how draining (both mentally and physically) it can be.

Did you know this guy for long before you started dating? Moving in together after such a short amount of time is a dangerous thing to do. I know there are many reasons why this happens, but it's still something I always see people regret.

You say that he started using, was he using in the past and relapsed or did he pick up a new habit while you were together?

You have kids, you need to think of them as well in this situation. If he becomes violent towards you what's to stop him being violent towards the kids?

I don't want to sound like I'm inferring that you're love for him is misguided, but to me, it sounds like you've become infatuated with a man that is emotionally manipulating you.
 
Hows the sex life? If it is bad, i would leave based on what you have said.

I was with a girl that i loved as a friend but wasn't in love with. That was a waste of time and there was cheating going on, all kinds of bad behaviour like using drugs behind each others backs, "borrowing" her parents car fuck i dunno i was high all the time lol. Does this sound like your guy? If it does then get out!

imo when drugs combined with dishonesty/fighting enters the relationship, it is time to try something different.
 
Babygurl, some of the things you have listed there are typical of the kind of abusive relationships that tend to include domestic violence at some point. What you are describing is controlling behaviour. He is already controlling your emotional state. He is already controlling who you see. He is already undermining you, weakening you, using your love for him against you. I'm not saying this will end in domestic violence. Domestic violence is just one weapon in an entire arsenal of weaponry, he may not need to bring the big guns out if he is able to control you in other ways, but signs are there that this is not a good relationship for you.

Here is a checklist of controlling behaviours typically seen in abusive relationships. And here is another one. Perhaps you should have a look through those and see if you find other controlling behaviours your partner is using there. It might help clarify your situation a little for you, and help with any decisions to be made.
 
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BabyGurl, I know you don't want to hear it but I also know that you know it in your heart, especially having been in another abusive relationship. That has every red flag there is: control, shaming, blaming you, insisting on distance from your friends, withholding (passive-aggressive) and screaming (aggressive). Please take care of yourself and your kids. No one deserves such treatment. You may love something in this guy but don't let that blind you to the fact that he is looking for control. The worse he feels about himself the more you are going to become his victim. Only you can stop that from happening. The cycle always starts this way.

No one is going to say, "duh, leave, stupid" or if they do it will be moderated out. That is insulting and mean. You are not stupid and I know that leaving is not easy, especially when you live together. But I really hope that you can see that the cycle needs to be stopped right now. Anyone that tells you they feel like puking when they think of you does not deserve your devotion. He has major problems and you cannot delude yourself no matter what he says, that you can be the one to fix those by accepting his maltreatment.

Call a women's crisis line in your area. They have people trained to just talk you through all your options, listen to your feelings with respect and give you support. You really, really do not deserve this in any way. I hope that you can find the strength to stand up for yourself. Demand that he get help.<3
 
You're not stupid, BabyGurl. You're none of the cruel things that he may say to you. I don't know you, but I can tell you that you're beautiful, a mother, a friend, and have a good heart. Everyone is beautiful in their own way, and I also believe everyone has a good heart. Your kids certainly love you, as well I'm sure your friends and family love you also.

Leaving this situation is in your best interest. He is doing nothing but hurting you, and it will only get worse. He is trying to control you. It is not easy to leave. You care about him, you've been living with him, and you have been in a relationship with him for 8 months. You have a history together. Just picking everything up and leaving is not as easy as it sounds or as some may insinuate it to be. Like Herbavore said, calling a women's crisis line in your area can be helpful. I'm not sure where you are from, but I know in my state they have a shelter specifically designed for women and their children to escape a dangerous situation. They help put you back on your feet so you can start your own life independent of the abuser- because after all the way he is treating you is abusive. I'm sure there must be something similar in your area.

You're a strong woman. What you should do is look deep down inside of you for the answers. Deep down I feel like you already know what has to be done. And deep down, you will be able to find the strength that is necessary to carry through with your decision. <3
 
Thank you all so much for your replies. I am pretty sure I already know one of us has to go. The checklist Sepher provided (first link) was really scary to read actually bc he does 98% of the emotional and verbal abuse warning signs. He has said a few times (I'm sorry if I offend anyone but these are his words) "I wish I was a real n!gger bc I'd smack the shit out of you". And he's started telling me "women, especially you white ones, have no say. You have no soul".
He actually helped me get sober. How's that for irony?! He just started smoking k2, weed and drinking the past maybe 2 months. I had over 110 days clean and I'm back on xanax bc I find myself thinking maybe it's me. Maybe I'm crazy. I'm always the one saying sorry. After a fight I over think and believe he was right and I did do the wrong. I am a strong person but lately feel so weak.
He told me yesterday morning he hated me so much that if I tried killing myself he'd simply watch and not stop me or call for help.
It breaks my heart who he is now. Maybe who he was all along. Hell of an actor if this was him all along.
We had agreed to try again yet I told him I loved him today and got a "yep".
He keeps saying he'll move out. It'll break my heart but this time I have to say ok instead of beggin him to stay. Bc honestly he's a very muscular guy and if he got physical with me it'd be terrible. More then a normal beating from someone I imagine.
I'm going to call a few hotlines. It may be better for me to take the kids and get help starting over. I only say that bc what if he's just testing me saying he'll leave but hurts me if I agree?
Sigh. Thank you everyone.
 
I'm sorry to hear about the situation you are going through babygurl, and I hope that things turn around for you. I can't give you any advice that others haven't already said, but I do think what has been mentioned is crucial. Leaving someone you love can be painful, but often it is for the best. Also, you have your kids to think about because it's not just you that is being affected in this situation. As a mother you may have to put the welfare of your children ahead of your own, and this can be extremely hard and painful to do. I hope you find a place of happiness and contentment very soon, and I wish you nothing but luck.

I am sending my love to you.
 
"I wish I was a real n!gger bc I'd smack the shit out of you". And he's started telling me "women, especially you white ones, have no say. You have no soul".
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If the guy is threatening you with violence then leave.

All of my arguments with girls have been mainly confined to shit like "You're a loser", "wheres my money gone", "you used all the drugs again didn't you", "wheres the fucking car keys you idiot"...shit like that. I've never threatened a chick with violence because it is wrong.

This dude sounds fucked, you should leave him for sure.
 
BabyGurl, sometimes the best thing to do is just face the facts straight up and admit to yourself you need to end this. It's difficult, it's unfair and it's painful, but you'll be so happy you did it. You don't deserve to be treated this way.
Please remember that this isn't about you - it's not your fault if he treats you this way, he's the one with the problem. That's the most important thing to bear in mind. You've got nothing to apologise to him for, nor to yourself for that matter. You need to get out of this, now.
I had an ex who treated me in a very similar way - never physically violent but he said exactly the same kinda stuff yours does. I carried all the shame and figured it was all my fault anyway so I should just accept all his insults and accusations because I just had it coming to me, after all. It was fucked up. He was the first - and only, for a long time - person I told when I got raped and all he answered was that I was overreacting and should get over it, and even that wasn't enough for me. I just assumed he was right. It really messed with me hun, and I'd hate to see you go down a similar path. The relationship lasted almost 3 years and at least half of it was pure abuse on his part, but I just held onto it because it used to be good, and we used to be all happy and in love - and I hoped that that would come back some day. Well, it never did, and in the end he's the one who ended it by seeing a friend of mine behind my back for months. I just can't believe the pain I would've spared myself if I'd gotten out of it when it started to get bad.
Please be stronger than me and help yourself and your kids now. It'll be tough at first, but you'll be so much happier without him, and one day you'll find someone who treats you like you actually deserve. I know you can do this <3
If you'd like to talk about it a bit more please feel free to PM me.
 
Just an update. He's moving out. He told me to "just give up" wtf ever that was suppose to mean. Who cares!
I'm scared. I've never, ever lived alone...excluding children of course. I always had an adult to talk to & in this town I have none, literally. It's a bit pathetic. My bff is an hour away. Best I can hope for is a text.
It hurts, of course, but not him leaving. The fact he never cared, which is blatantly obvious. Ok, to be fair, he may have cared but not loved. That's for sure.
I started cutting again. Not to kill myself. (Sorry, I hate when people think self injurers all wanna die). I pick up a new script of Xanax tmrw so that's both positive and negative. I have to tell myself not to abuse them again but God knows I need them for nerves.
I have court tmrw & he was suppose to go with me. Now, I'm alone :(
 
^ Hey, everything at first is scary. You are going to be alright. You have so much going on rite now. BabyG what you need to do is learn how to let your feeling out. As I'm sure you already know cutting is a way to POSTPONE your feelings. Zannax used for this is a way to POSTPONE your feelings. You need to be able to express and relieve how you feel. Buy allowing your feelings out you WILL be able to deal with them. For example if I was in the exact situation that you have described here is what I may feel.. Anger, that someone I thought I loved treated me this way. Fear, that He (or she in my case) might be the one, that there might not be a one and I let the best thing just walk out the door, Shame, because of all the controlling propaganda nonsense he used, Loneliness and Isolation, because I now found myself in a place where I was a distance away from people I was intimate from.. Just for a few.. Feelings are natural and HARMLESS.. they will never hurt us, ever. Feelings are designed so we take notice of something, that's why they seem powerful. But because they are created buy us, for the benefit of us, they will never hurt us. A feeling is something we create, based on our loves, fears, values, that is like a red flag telling us that we damn well better think about this, THAT IS NOT TO SAY THAT THEY POINT OUT THAT WE ARE MAKING A MISTAKE, rather that a decision or decision to be made, has or will go against some of our thinking but goes or will go along with some of our thinking. for example.. Sadness because of a break up, You broke up with the guy because he was not treating you well and had issues that effected you and your family that he had to address was one part of your thinking, but on the other hand you were really affectionate towards him, enjoyed him in bed and at many other times.. the feeling of sadness is there to make you evaluate hard your decision as it involves a disagreement of two important thoughts you have.. the point is is that feelings are only scary, they are designed that way so you cant ignore them, but they are actually there to help you every time. You should try and learn to embrbrace your feelings. a good way to start might be by writing down five feelings you had over a particular day, what was happening in your life to cause them, if they hurt you really at all and what you did to deal with them and what you could have done.. another thing you may try is to identify, in your head, when you have a feeling and say hello to that feeling.. for example if my damn dog got sick and puked on the rug, I would say hello anger. buy identifying the feeling and welcoming it you may be able to take away allot of it power as well as some of the fear you experience. Don't fear being alone.. You can handle it and its not permanent!!!
 
BabyGurl, everyone gets scared at living alone, whether it's the first time or the 10th time they've done it. The feeling that you have no one around to talk to is unjustified however. You now have the opportunity to get out on your own and develop yourself, do things you want and make the friends you want. You don't have to feel like you have to please anyone other than yourself.

Are your kids in school? Finding a mothers group in your area will help you meet new friends and get you out of the house.
 
BabyGurl, I felt exactly the same way when I split with my ex coming up to a year ago. How would I live? I'd only lived alone once before and didn't much like it, I was very isolated miles away from anyone, an hour's bus ride just to go see my mum. I didn't do very well. I was very fearful it would be the same this time round, that I'd struggle to support myself and things would come crashing down but you know what? It's not so bad. There have been difficulties, there are things going on at the moment that will take a good few weeks to properly resolve and put behind me but you know what? It's OK. I'm getting through it. You will too. It might even be good for you, having some time alone. Build some self-reliance, build back up the self-esteem, find the real you again that this guy seems to have gone out of his way to pull apart and undermine. You'll be OK. Do some reaching out for some support. Your BFF might not be on your doorstep exactly but an hour is not a very long way away. See what's available locally you could throw yourself into if you choose now you don't have to run everything past this guy for permission. Good luck! <3
 
My mother was hit several times by my stepfather and at this point in my life I think he's a pretty good dude. I hated him for a real long time, but he found God after nearly 30 years of being a non-believer and actively worked toward changing. The dude hardly drinks anymore and my mother has allowed him two "get out of jail free" cards per year as long as he goes to a hotel or a friend's place. It's a hard experience for a kid because not only did I see it happen, but I was 11. There was no way I could attack and defeat a full grown ex-Army man. That still kind of eats away at me but any woman who enters into a relationship with me has my blood oath that I won't hit her.

Whenever I see it happen in public I make sure to blast the other guy in the face as hard as I can. My way of paying back my mother and standing up for what's right. It's right underneath abusing animals as far as I'm concerned. And in nearly any given scenario I will be the tallest and largest man there so it's not exactly tough, just makes my blood boil to see a woman get hit over something that could have easily been dealt with by using a little reason and common sense. Did get sucker-stabbed in the head with a pencil the last time I did that so it's not without its risks.

As for you, it's definitely not something you want to subject the kids to. If you feel like he can get into your head too easily (by any means: manipulation, projecting, guilt tripping, etc) you need to remove that power from him. I recommend a book called "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It changed my life so much back when I read it. The book is mostly for people dealing with co-dependency, which I'm not clinically diagnosed with but do show some signs of. My mother has it so I probably do by extension. But there is tons of good stuff in there about how to say no and not let other people push you around and what not. You'll be a lot more confident in yourself after reading it. I apply something from that book almost daily without even realizing it now. He's gonna need to get help too but the sad reality of recovering from anything is that you're the last person to accept that it's a problem. If he really loves you back he'll either come around or lose you. It's his choice, not yours.

Read that book though!
 
Neversick, thanks so much. You gave me some really good advice on feelings. I always learned to take your feelings and stuff them deep inside. Courtesy of my ill mother...whole other topic haha.
I'm goin to try writing the 5 feelings in my private diary app. Kinda numb towards feelings though. I don't really feel afraid of them but maybe deep down I'm hiding that too. I think at one point I and now I'm numb. I do remember fear, to an extent, if that makes any sense? The past 3-4 months I've been hurt emotionally so much by him I'm numb...
Thanks for the "hello anger", I cracked smile readin that.

Re-distributed, he has made me quit speakin to so many, read: all, friends I have no one left. Even the neighbor's grandson, 15 yrs younger than me, I couldn't talk to bc he "wasn't jealous just protecting me from a bad person". The kid has a crush. Geesh. I told him in the beginning to be happy his gf is cute & thought he'd appreciate that. Boy, was I wrong on that one. But now.I can make up for lost time :) Thanks!

Sepher, thank you! He really did try to tear me down but it won't keep me down! I went to school for programming (computers, duh lol) and he made me feel stupid even with that stuff. I laughed at first but yeah...it got a lot worse. I started believing maybe I am an idiot. It's gonna take awhile though.
You have come so far!!! Congrats! I hope to be on that road soon!

He's, of course, here for the night until he can find a place to go. He's from VA and I'm from OH. We're in Ohio so yeah. But he's tryin the I love u & bein all nice and the guy I met. I know it's a ploy and I'm not fallin for it all over again. I'm already feelin a tiny bit better, not much but progress is progress. Yep, scratch that...he just called me his "bitch". Thanks for the reminder, jackass...
 
BabyGurl3171 said:
He's, of course, here for the night until he can find a place to go. He's from VA and I'm from OH. We're in Ohio so yeah. But he's tryin the I love u & bein all nice and the guy I met. I know it's a ploy and I'm not fallin for it all over again. I'm already feelin a tiny bit better, not much but progress is progress. Yep, scratch that...he just called me his "bitch". Thanks for the reminder, jackass...
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Someone who continues to disrespect you is not someone you want in your life. Please think of your safety and that of your children. You are in a better position from many people involved in intimate partner violence situations in that you are financially OK.

If you cannot or are unwilling to leave, please have an exit strategy/small bag with your and the children's essentials packed. Make an extra key to your car and leave it with someone you DO trust. Alternatively, you can go in front of a judge and file a petition for a restraining order against him. If he bothers you after that point, he will go to jail.

Please heed my advice. Please do not end up a statistic.
 
Thanks Mariposa, I really appreciate it! I've unfortunately been a statistic, thankfully not a dead one. But I was stupid, I'll admit, and took beatings and chokings from my daughters' father. (Yes, I have all girls. Help! haha) I left him after 2+ yrs and stayed in a DV shelter with nothing but what they were finally able to help us get. I've come a long way from that & have no intention of going back to a situation like that again. Of course, who does? I guess that's why I wrote this thread to begin with, first hand knowledge was telling me the signs were here again with this new guy.
He has left me alone today & today is my first day becoming independent!
Thanks everyone!
 
This kind of sounds a little like your boyfriend has A.) low self-esteem and B.) unstated expectations regarding the different roles each of you is meant to play in the relationship.

His expectation that you be submissive, guilt-stricken and essentially reducing you to a helpless creature speak volumes about his need for dominance. But it sounds to me as though he is trying to dominate in largely unhealthy ways - for example, "why should I trust you again" is him playing a victim; a victim that needs to be coddled, treated with special care and looked after.

Love is a confounding emotion made up of an infinite spectra of compounding experiences that amount to the attachment we feel towards another human being. There are points, however, where emotions can easily override reason & rationality, and we become blinded by the stability we have found. There is always stability in a relationship, somewhere, even in abusive ones. And by god, do we cling to it when we discover what it is we might lose were we to break free and start anew.

You know you are not a whore.
You know that you have a family to take care of.
You know that you have a self to take care.

But taking care of the essentials becomes breathtakingly difficult when one is meant to believe that they ought to live out their days in submissive shame.

I cannot, in good conscience, advise you to stay with him and "wait it out" or call an audible, Plan B and get out of there while you still have wits enough to reach out to us about this situation.

You are strong and courageous by simply reaching out for help! It'd have been far easier to wallow and withdraw, letting it get worse and worse with no one the wiser. But you did not do that. You chose a different route.


....And so perhaps a change in the status quo isn't so inconceivable after all.
What do you think?
I hope you are okay tonight.
~ Vaya
 
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