Relationship / Alcohol issues come to a head. Now what?

[Sepher]

I started back on the Antabuse last night. I've been off, what, 3 months, something like that and just trying to manage my drinking, to varying degrees of limited success, or varying degrees of total failure, whichever way you wanna look at it. I don't like taking it and I've manipulated the meds in the past, to the point of hospitalising myself thinking one reaction to it when I thought I'd out-foxed it was gonna prove fatal, convinced I was having a heart attack. I just really need some clarity right now for a while, whichever way I can get it.

As of Sunday my girlfriend and I are finished. She's already moved herself out to her friends across the Pennines, but I'm left with the 3 bed house and the stuff till the end of the month cos that's when the notice I have to give the landlord later on today will run out. As things stand I have nowhere to go but can't afford to keep the place on, so that's that. As for what we're gonna do with 8 years worth of stuff filling all 3 bedrooms and a bloody shed when she's got one room at her mate's house and I'm likely to be in a 1 bed house or flat at best is a bridge we'll cross when we come to it. We're just gonna have to extricate ourselves from our responsibilities as we pull our relationship apart as best we can.

I've thought for a long while this is what I wanted. Or at least, I've thought for a long while I can't be what she wanted. I'm an ex-heroin addict 10 years into the rebuild from that time in my life, but currently an alcoholic stuck where I am at this one. I love her to bits, she's my best mate, I've never been as close or as comfortable with anyone as I've been with her, for the most part she makes me happier than I can remember ever being before, and God I'll miss her. I can't even tell you how much I'll miss her, welling up at the thought of not having her in my life anymore, cos she won't settle for friends. It's all or nothing. 'So why are you splitting up then you daft cunt I hear you cry', and that's I guess the point of this post. Answer is, having decided I needed to end it, to the point of pushing self-destruct buttons and burning bridges to railroad myself to a point where if I bottled out of ending it myself she'd do it for me having finally had enough, I don't even know myself.

We've been together 8 years. How we got together in the first place is a tale I won't overly bore you with, but it started as casual FWBs, she already having a boyfriend overseas happy with that arrangement, but things progressed, she fell out of love with him, and into love with me. I was always concerned about that, unsure about it, because I'd not actively chosen that road, or that's how I saw it anyways. I'm an ex-heroin addict at this point, just getting in a bad way with the booze, living alone, totally isolated, no friends, family relationships less than perfect, so I wonder if I just latched onto the first thing that came my way to alleviate that. I worry that I've always been a user of her then in that regard. Hence the doubts. Am I using her? Still? Cos I couldn't have any kind of life without what she enables now we're partners on a decent combined income with a decent life-style? Maybe. These are questions I ask myself.

I'm depressed, have been for years, since being a child I believe. I'm generally unhappy then. I'm alcoholic. I'm unhappy with that. I'm unhappy with the shit I've put this girl through the last coupla years, cos she sure as hell don't deserve shit from me, and has put up with more than anyone could be reasonably asked to. I have fears that I will always be an alcoholic if I don't beat this shit, and what use will that be to her. She's looking at marriage and kids. How the fuck can I commit to that when I don't know where I'm gonna be this time next month, next year, next decade, rest of our lives, however long they are. I have fears that even if I beat the booze and we have kids I'll always be racked by guilt and unhappiness because I'll carry with me the knowledge that my bad choices in the past as regards drugs and booze mean I'll never be able to give them the life-style I'd like, or the education the kids need. I worry I'll be a bad husband and parent all round, irrational though that is.

I think I actually feel pretty strong as regards the booze at the minute, moreso than I have for a long while. I feel I generally have more clarity than of late, depite the confusion on this. Maybe knowing the crisis was coming has something to do with that, maybe it's down to posting constantly in reply to other people struggling here, always saying the same things, knowing were I to follow my own sage advice things would be fine and dandy, were it not for my alcoholic brain's resistance. I just feel stuck. I can't seperate out what are causes of unhappiness, and what are symptoms of it, which emotions are real, and which are just the booze doing its thing. I think I might be making a mistake, but I'm too damn tired to know how I feel, up all night tonight, 3 hours sleep the night before. At least I'm not drinking, but hey, it's maybe a bit fucking late for that, the damage already done.

I'm rambling. Dunno if any of this will even make sense or if it's just tl;dr, but need to get this down and park it here so I can come back to it later. Been running through my brain all fucking night so maybe the only way to stop it is to put it down, take a step back, and turn some of that objectivity and distance I use so fucking brilliantly so long as I only have to apply it to others struggling with the exact same shit on it, see if that helps.

 

[herbavore]

I'm so sorry, Sepher. It sounds to me that you are suffering from very deep-seated self doubt and that you are projecting that out into the future. You have convinced yourself that you don't deserve the love and acceptance you found in this relationship. It is crucial that you try to separate fear of failure, fear that you are unworthy and fear of uncertainty from actual intuition that this is not the best thing for you. I don't see anything in your post that leads me to believe the latter. If it isn't right for your girlfriend, she will determine that.

No one ever knows where they are going to be next month, next year and certainly not for the rest of their lives. I know you are referring to alcohol and the hold it has on you, but you could be in full recovery and the last sentence would still be true. That is exactly what commitment is. It is trusting the uncertainty of the future with another person and within ourselves. Commitment to love and to creating a family out of that love is one of the scariest things in the world. Somehow we get this notion that we have to be perfect first when in fact what we have to do is to accept that we are not and never will be. Trusting that we can be loved by someone else, with all our flaws exposed, can only happen when we can look at those flaws as areas that need our attention rather than reasons to feel unworthy. Obviously, you are wise to question starting a family until you are in recovery and have a handle on your depression, but that didn't sound so much like an immediate plan on her part as a general plan for her future.

Concentrating on yourself--your recovery from alcohol and your rebuilding of strength and self-worth need to be your top priority of course. I just hate to see you deny yourself the love and support of someone that you has made you feel comfortable and happy because you are worrying that you don't deserve that. You are a very kind and intelligent person who does not shy away from honesty. You can learn to extend the empathy and understanding you give to others to yourself. That is one of the hardest things to learn but so rewarding. There is a world of difference between undermining ourselves and being positively self-critical.

Getting your dependence on alcohol under control is going to make you feel so much stronger. You are 10 years past a heroin addiction--what an incredible accomplishment! You can beat this addiction the same way you beat that one, I have no doubt; but beating the self-punishment and self doubt is an even bigger dragon to slay.

If anyone deserves kindness and acceptance and love, it is you. You have been handing that out here in bucket loads for quite a while and I'm sure this is true in the rest of your life as well.

 

[effie]

Sepher

I'm so sorry to hear about your current situation. Herb has posted more eloquently than I will be able to, but I agree entirely with her.

Does your girlfriend know all of this - your reasoning for ending the relationship? If so, what is her take on it?

It can be very easy to project our own perceptions of ourself onto others' perceptions and to think "they are better off without me", "i only cause her pain" etc - especially when we are feeling low and beating ourselves up. We really are our own harshest critic.. Your girlfriend obviously sees worth in you; we here see worth in you; I know how hard it is but herbavore is right - this battle with your self-doubt and the way this colours your actions is an important, vital one. We often do ourselves more harm than anyone else can do to us, because we think we deserve it (or at least don't deserve not to be harmed).. Perhaps it is the right decision, if you don't feel you can commit to a family right now, but I suspect it has more to do with your general feelings that you aren't a good enough person to have a lovely girlfriend and be happy.. how does she feel about your alcoholism, and your feelings about commiting to having a family? (Don't feel you have to answer in here )

Buddhists have an interesting take on this. In Buddhism, one of the key things is compassion to all living beings. This includes yourself. If you don't include yourself, what makes you so special? What makes you different to every single other living being, that you don't deserve compassion? Some texts describe it almost as a kind of arrogance, although coming from a polar opposite perspective to most arrogance.. (note: I am not calling you arrogant hehe..) Being kind to ourselves, in their eyes, is just as important as being kind to others, as we are all equal. We all want to be happy, we all deserve compassion.

I think it was a very brave and good decision to go back on the Antabuse. Perhaps you do need some time on your own to focus on yourself for a bit and grapple with your self-esteem and alcoholism - only you and your girlfriend know the full story of your relationship.. but breaking up with her to punish yourself and rescue her (for want of a better word), if she doesn't want that rescuing, will only cause you both more pain I feel..

Have you tried any forms of therapy to help with your alcoholism and your depression?

Take care of yourself, and be kind to yourself Sepher

 

[KAYLA2010]

I'm sorry sep just know you have all of us here to help you through this. Hugs
Have you tried talking to her any letting her know what going on in your head why you feel this way?

 

[Sepher]

Hi guys, thank you all for the kind words. It means a lot to me. Don't have the energy to do much with this tonight so will come back to it later. Just about got through work, God knows how, spending the first two hours just breaking down into a sodden mess for most of it. Need some sleep. Picked up my script for the Mirtazapine and Zolpidem so there at least will hopefully have no issues tonight. Had a couple of hours already and just got up long enough to eat before taking myself back to bed. Will hopefully feel better able to attacked this tomorrow.

Thanks again. I appreciate it more than I can say. :kiss:

N x

 

[RedLeader]

Mate, it sounds to me like you're breaking up with her to relieve her of having to be with you. You're sparing her the burden of being in a relationship with you for any longer. I'm just tell you how it appears to me. You're going to let your own depression and insecurity get the best of you like that? 8 years is an amazing accomplishment. Having her wanting to start a family with you is a gigantic compliment. What do you think that you are gaining by ending this relationship? Does she know how torn up you are over this?

I am proud of you for wanting to give up drinking, and if you beat heroin I have confidence that you'll also be able to beat alcohol. But aren't things like self-worth, relationships, family, your house...aren't those the types of things for which people get sober? You don't think you could get sober and save your relationship, which as you described would also save some of these other things? Or do you want a completely fresh start?

I'd hate to see you walk away from this when she'd be willing to work through it all, especially if you commit to your recovery from drinking. Ultimately it your choice, though, so I wish the best however it goes. And I wish you the best with your recovery. Keep talking with us, as I'm sure we're all willing to help.

 

[Sepher]

Cheers RedLeader, ta for the reply!

You've all hit on the idea that I'm thinking I'm somehow rescuing her, or somehow saving her from herself. While that is true to a large extent, in that I believe she can do better, and deserves better, and would have a better life with someone other than me that can give her more nearly the things she wants and needs, it's not me being entirely altruistic. I'm not wholly martyring myself on the altar of my own high ideals by any stretch. Would that I were truly that noble! One particular truth that applies is I don't want kids. I never have. If I stay with her I would be prepared to make that compromise, but I'm not sure I'd be happy about it? I know I would feel very differently about those reservations soon as I have a son or daughter to hold in my own two hands, don't get me wrong, and a part of me thinks I'd massively enjoy being a parent. I've been a good parent-like figure in the life of my young cousin for instance, and I know he even now really looks up to me, and values me, despite my feeling that I failed him latterly because of the booze.

My reasons for not wanting to be a parent are complicated. Simple explanation is I'm 42 FGS, and not sure I've got the energy for it at this stage in my life. I know these days people have kids later than tended to be the case in the past, but even so, most people plan parenthood so they hit their 40s or 50s having got al the major responsibilites out of the way and can look forward to having their time and energies back for things they want to do for themselves. If she fell pregnant tomorrow I'd still be in my 60s before I could even legally palm them off on the bloody state FFS! :lol: More important is the fact that I didn't enjoy my childhood, and wouldn't wish it on anyone. Losing a father at 9, and losing a mother emotionally as a result of that for years and years afterwards has coloured my perceptions too much I know, and I should be able to rationalise that by now, and I do in the main part, but even so I fear what I would do to a child's head, or allow to develop in a child's head, or cause to exist in a child's head through no fault of my own. Does that make sense? I don't want to bring another person into the world who will have to live in it from inside something like my head. Not like the world I expect will exist in 20 years time is gonna be that nice a place to live in anyways, and is it fair to wish that on someone denied a choice in the matter?

Herbavore, your comments in particular on commitment struck home. You're either very astute, or you were simply saying something that everyone else but me already knows. I don't know which. I have what you'd call perfection issues. Really quite bad ones. I know what that's about, I know where they come from. It's to do with the emotional investment my mam put into me, as I saw it after my dad's death, and my feeling that I was just unable to ever live up to it, no matter what. Whether that's true or not, or distorted perception I dunno. No point getting into that, it's a thread or several months worth of counselling all by itself, but the same pattern has repeated myself throughout my life: if I start out on something but come to feel I can't be absolutely perfect at it I bail. Or I engineer a set of circumstances that will remove the bail / don't bail decision and place it in someone else's hands, cos hey, then it won't be my fault will it? I have had successes in my life, son't get me wrong, but even there I know I could have done better, with more effort. Can you see how this makes me very worried about the kind of commitment we're talking about? I can't bail on it once I embark on it can I, but I know I'm quite capable of engineering my own downfall if I need out, taking everyone concerned down with me. That's dangerous, for me, for G, and for our possible future kids.

Last para, cos this is long enough. Hopefully you can see my mood is somewhat better than it was a couple of days ago, but I still don't know where I am with this decision, if it can be called a decision. Usually, when I've been struggling with a decision I'm struggling to make, no matter how difficult I've tended to find that as soon as the decision has been made there's been an instant feeling of relief, and an instant feeling that yes, I've made the right decision. I'm not getting any feedback on this one. I don't know where I'm at with it at all. I feel ok today, but still totally ambivalent. More pondering required by a long shot.