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[Relationship advice] showed my hidden drug collection to girlfriend of 4 years

E

eXalin

Greenlighter
Joined
Jul 4, 2010
Messages
35
For about 4 years i have been dating this girl, she has never known i smoke morning and night usually (about 1 pipe, maybe 2) . She usually doesnt have a problem with me smoking when i am out with friends (most of the time, but doesnt really like me gettin completey mashed, just a couple of pipes or a bong or two)

i sometimes smoke a pipe in bed when a movie is about to start or before food so generally she is cool with that, but I don't think she'd be cool if she knew i was a daily toker, this i really feel guilty about doing, as its literally something I have done for years HOWEVER

The strange thing is , a couple weeks ago swim showed one of my closest friends my 'collection' (he doesnt do drugs anymore but expierenced alot with him), stupidly about a week later i popped a valium in my beer but my gf came upstairs and saw the pill in the drink and asked what it is, i panicked and said it was codeine and ibuprofen. ( it was actually diazepam)

Anyway she didnt take it too well and was suspicious and worried, she has slight aspergus and suffers from anxiety and called my best mate up at about 2 am in the morning crying and basically told him what happend as she needed someone to talk to. The reason she didnt call up her friends is because they are anti drug and would no longer like me ( i hate her fake friends) she stayed on the phone to him for a couple of hours and in the end my friend basically couldnt lie anymore as he is such a honest guy and he could see how upset she was. (he doesnt know that i know he told her)

Next day

My mate after I finished work had called me just before i was going home, he told me fran had been on the phone to him and was not convinced and was suspicous to what it could of been(she has no idea really about many drugs just the names) After this phone call i had this gut feeling Like i knew tonight I had to tell her, I just knew it.

The next day she came over, i was unaware that she had found about my collection, I had been at work al day and it was just running through my head, I feel like my gut instinct was telling me something was not right, i was constantly battling in my head whether to just lay it out on the table and show her everything, i could feel tears in my eyes knowing this could dramatically change or break up my relationship.

After work my girl came round and we were chilling on the bed, I could see something was up by looking in her eyes and her expressions, i asked if it was about the drink pill yesterday, and looked upset and I just thought fuck it , so i said along the lines of (I got something to show you, took this dvd case out full of about 12 different drugs)

Obviously she was shocked, she cried and in the end i did too, i just said "this is me, I cant hide this from you any longer, i would not be surprised if you broke up with me but if you do i would be devastated as it would ruin the whole expierence we have shared in life. i said " Please just accept me, this is what I do, you know I have always been in interested in drugs, she used to see me on forums, i would watch drug documentaries, with her, had meph in front of her (but it was legal so she kinda didnt really mind AS much)

In the end I said i cannot help it this is what I do, if you cannot accept it we will end and that is not what I want (something along these sort of lines I cannot remember everything (few days on valium)

i assured her i would be completely honest(Except most of the time daily weed lol but go thru phases) about all the drugs i consume now and what i have, I feel that I would never keep anything from her and i feel so much more open and loving with her now,i feel like a weight has been tooken off my shoulders.

The relationship is still not fully stable but we are working on it, we are strong and we still love each other she is just hurt and keeps having waves of sadness and other emotions that would be expected.

We do not live together so this is why i have been able to keep this a secret for a long time, used multiple drugs on multiple occasions and even met her later on and she did not even realise.

am asking for any advice for anyone has been in similar situations and how I should approach this, I know she loves me so much but for some people drugs really are a issue as they are scary/unknown.



FIRST OF ALL SORRY FOR THE SWIMS GUYS, IM STUPID AND COPIED IT FROM FD INSTEAD IF NOTEPAD WITH I's



When i do drugs next, i do not know how she willl react, but do you thinki should tell her before or after I have taken them on the next occasion.

I do not know how she will react, Si think if I tell her before I take them she may make me anxious by her being anxious about me taking them, causing me to possibly have a negatve time. Or I could Tell her after I had done it on the day or night with friends or alone.

What do you think would be the best option, i do not do stimulants more than once every 2/3 months or anything 'heavier like H or meth/crack" but take benzos sometimes for a few days on end or just occasionally ( not addicted)

Any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated, especially if you have been in a similar situation.

I do not think this will break us up, but we will just have to see how it plays out as she may use it against I in arguements but all I know is it would take alot for us to spit up I HOPE.
 
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I need a lot more drugs to be able to read this SWIM stuff......


But that aside your best bet is to stop taking all the drugs you mention except cannabis altogether. They are all bad for you and will likely cause you little but grief as you get older. But regardless of what drugs you do or don't do you should be honest with this person if you feel about her as you say you do. There may be circumstances in life with drugs and partners where honesty is not the best policy, but this isn't one of them.

That said, your friend also sounds like she has her head on backwards if she's more concerned with the legality of the cannabis you're using than the physical danger of taking the then legal meph or the prescribed but super addictive benzos. So my advice is: quit the dumb drugs, be totally straight with her, and THEN go teach her about the importance of disobeying authority and breaking stupid laws whenever possible. Go out and be deviant and illegal together - maybe smoke or dose together. But leave the rest behind and learn how to be honest. Good luck.
 
Why should I stop taking drugs just because someone else doesnt agree with it, I see it as what if you chose to become rock climber or done boxing, would you tell the person you love that you want them to quit even though they truely have an deep interest in it?

She doesnt care about weed aslong as I dont abuse it everyday.. just like chillin wit friends or doing something like watchin a movie once every few days..

its the other drugs which are more frowned upon and people brainwashed by the media... which she is scared of harming me i suppose? as she is scared of the unknown and the stigma attached to drugs
 
I gave my mother valium once when she was ill to help her sleep, said it was nytol that was pretty funny
 
eXalin said:
Why should I stop taking drugs just because someone else doesnt agree with it,
Click to expand...

Then don't stop - man up and tell her you're going to do whatever the fuck you want and she should keep her mouth shut.....8(

Her ideas about drugs may be shaped by the media and partially confused but it sounds like she's a lot smarter than you about this subject. Sorry I took your post seriously.....lol
 
I have manned up I showed her my whole fucking box, and said this is me this is what i do, i dont do it all the time, but there will be times when I wil use some of these substances..

but is it TRUELY wrong to tell everytime I take a drug, its like " hey i had a coffee this morning" or "hey just tought id let you know i just had a pint at my mates" come on...anyone see my view?
 
I think you coming clean was great eX. There is no shame in that. Keeping that a secret was not healthy for yourself or for your relationship with her. If she can't accept you for who you are then things will turn out how they will. <3
 
Thankyou stardust for your kind words, other people on different forums havent been so nice.

She doesnt tell me what to do, but she doesnt want to be with someone whos fucked on drugs all the time (which im not, I experiment with psychedelics maybe 1-4 times a year, stimulants around once a month maybe twice, and benzos a bit more regulary. I have always had a keen interest in drugs and she has known that from day one, shes never had a problem with that, she even finds it curious (shes never got drunk or anything, completely innocent)

the question what drugs do i do;

Well I like to experiment, I build up a collection so one day I can say hmm I fancy trying that one (be it psychedelic like shrooms or stims or opiates/benzos) It has to be at the right sort of time, like at night when everyones asleep ill do some truffles or something and just chill with some headphones on, and if I did, now I would tell her "hey i did truffles last night and tell her about my expierence, i dont know how she will react but I just wanna be honest)

She has not told me to quit drugs, she knows I won't and she said if i had to pick between her and drugs I said I would choose drugs, because I shouldnt HAVE to make that choice, and I think she understood my point of view, they have been a part of my life since my early childhood, she knows how much they mean to me.

so my last question is,

Do you think its nessecary tell her for example I chilled with a bit of valium and some weed last night when i was at home, because from how I see it, from me telling her how does that benefit me or her? does someone tell their girlfriend everytime they have a fucking beer or ciggerette? anyone get what i mean?

If it was MDMA, Psychedelics, anything like that I would tell her.

I think shes more upset with the fact that I have kept it from her and the drugs arent really the *main issue*, I feel so guilty but now I have told her I feel like I can be myself around her, like just me, its a strange feeling, feeling like you have been living a double life for 4 years.
 
eXalin said:
its the other drugs which are more frowned upon and people brainwashed by the media... which she is scared of harming me i suppose? as she is scared of the unknown and the stigma attached to drugs
Click to expand...

I completely understand where she's coming from. I remember learning that my boyfriend smoked weed on occasion. Coming from an anti-drug family and anti-drug neighbourhood, this seemed terrible. I finally came to terms with it after doing a bit of research, but then I found out he did other drugs! Like MDMA mostly. But still ... I was shocked ... and I didn't really know what to think. She's likely getting all her info from the media and her "knowledge" of drugs is likely REALLY off, but you can't really blame her. So why not try and educate her?
Does she drink at all? Just wondering... analogies with drinking sometimes work.

But yeah, I think if you try educating her a bit more on some of the drugs that you use, that might make her feel better. Get her understanding the REAL risk ... which is probably a lot less than what she thinks.
 
eXalin said:
Do you think its nessecary tell her for example I chilled with a bit of valium and some weed last night when i was at home, because from how I see it, from me telling her how does that benefit me or her? does someone tell their girlfriend everytime they have a fucking beer or ciggerette? anyone get what i mean?
Click to expand...

I think this is something you need to discuss with her. Every situation is different so there's no way we can tell you what's going to work for your r/ship.

eXalin said:
I gave my mother valium once when she was ill to help her sleep, said it was nytol that was pretty funny
Click to expand...

My perception on this issue changed completely once I read this. There's nothing funny about giving someone a drug unknowingly. In fact that goes completely against our mission here, which is harm reduction. Lying to someone about what you're giving them is completely irresponsible and unacceptable.

When I read your OP I thought you sounded mature and responsible, but reading this sentence makes me wonder if the picture you've painted is in fact the whole story. If this is an indication of your behaviour around drugs, I'm leaning towards thinking your gf has some justifiable worries.
 
She needed something to sleep, it helped her, yeah I know it wasnt mature or responsible but as long as it helped her (which it did) I did not care.

if we split up, we wil both be devestated, more her than me obviously, but its still fucking hard for me, how long does it to take to become physically addicted to valium as I have been taking them alot the last few days
 
Dude you might want to lay off the drugs and get your head straight.

If you're genuinely concerned about this relationship, maybe try not taking any substances and doing some sober thinking.

You say you're not addicted to anything in particular but from what I can tell you seem to be on something most of the time. And you claim to be worried about this relationship, and abusing valium at the same time. Emotional triggers perhaps?
Doing drugs to make yourself happier is a bad sign and often the drugs make the unhappiness worse, making the need for masking all the more dire.

I smoke weed heaps, my girlfriend doesn't mind so it's not a big deal for us. When I was taking way too much acid and started burning out a bit, she showed concern and eventually I chilled my shit.
Basically what I'm getting at is I'm going to go with footscrazy on this and suggest you consider really honestly thinking about if you have a problem with drugs.

Is it really your girlfriends asperges and anxiety that made her so upset, or the fact you were lying about your use for 4 years.
Honestly that sounds like textbook addict behaviour and would understandably make anyone suspicious.

This just an outsider perspective from a rather quick breeze through so please don't be offended (I hate upsetting people) but you wanted advice and this would be mine.

PS You might want to talk to your girlfriend about smoking marijuana for her anxiety and asperges. I also suffer from both, and find weed works best for me.
 
I thankyou so much for your advice it really means alot.

I think I do depend on weed for enjoyment almost, im just confused as its something i love to do I dont see a problem with it, but I feel it has negative consequences that are so subtle that when you are in that pattern you do even realise the effects it is causing.

I am going to tell her I am going to quit smoking weed for a while, get my head straight, start going gym again, start studying, organise my time and sort my life out and my future.

Im not going to throw my collection though, its my hobby, its my interest, i cant help it, I dont want someone changing something I love( i read forums everyday, study, write trip reports, its a genuine interest, not just to get fucked up all the time, thoough i do it for pleasure aswell.

I feel I have been using valium to escape and numb the feelings, like last night we had an arguement when she left I was bang on the valium 40mg and weed, I feel this is wrong but its so hard and this is when reality hit me that I was using it to escape from my real emotions, from reality.

I love my girlfriend so much, the guilt I feel for breaking her heart is indescribab;e, I dont know if its too late, but all I know is I have learnt from this alot.

and its time I act on it and sort my life out.

I just enjoy gettin high, experimenting, im not like kids going to get fucked up on whatever they can, uneducated and trying to push themselves to the limits.

I will say to her that i wont stop using drugs but they are an occasional thing, I dont want to be a big issue, but it will be hard if its a big issue for her.

I just feel so alone right now, and I put myself into this situation.
 
eXalin said:
Why should I stop taking drugs just because someone else doesnt agree with it, I see it as what if you chose to become rock climber or done boxing, would you tell the person you love that you want them to quit even though they truely have an deep interest in it?

She doesnt care about weed aslong as I dont abuse it everyday.. just like chillin wit friends or doing something like watchin a movie once every few days..

its the other drugs which are more frowned upon and people brainwashed by the media... which she is scared of harming me i suppose? as she is scared of the unknown and the stigma attached to drugs
Click to expand...

tell her - educate her.

Stop taking benzos for fun. They are "medicine" for extreme cases - if she has anxiety, feed her sweetness. sweet food(no white sugar apart from max once a week, go with fruit, rice, oats, milk, coconut, wheat (not yeasted bread), and swee sweet - if it has a sweet taste after you chewed it a while - feed her it, she needs sweetness for her anxiety), sweet smells...then once you help her, she can be ready to understand you. Don't hide who you are and your habits from her, otherwise you might as well break it off, as she doesn't know the real you - only a facade.

That's awful man.


If she doesn't want you anymore, good riddance, someone else will.

Her friends - well, tell her to be honest with them. If they don't like it then that's cool, but as long as the drugs don't affect your health/life in a negative way, or the relationship, they have no leg to stand on. I'm sure they don't like youfor other reasons anyway. also why are you so sure they don't?
 
UPDATE***

So her parents came round today and mine were with me, they were both very supportive and just want me to quit the drugs, i gave my reasons, i said I enjoyed collecting them knowing I have them, they think this is almost like a dependancy/addiction as I am on forums everyday, i use some weed almost daily, and valium and other things occasionally.

I *may* have a possibility of getting back with her if i sacrafice all my drug use, but it may be too late, the trust may already be broken too far.


Is it really a dependancy or addiction to want to keep purchasing and collecting drugs (but not using them all the time), these people are sober they have been for the whole of their lives, but they are much older and so are more expierenced.

there are so many view points i just dont know what to think.

again, anyones opinions are GREATLY appreciated
 
Smoking weed everyday is a crutch, and choosing drugs over a girl is a no-brainer - if she's truly important to you, then life surely is much better being sober with the girl of your dreams, OCCASIONALLY taking something that is going to do you some good psychologically (like psychs, and sometimes weed).

Stop smoking weed for a great deal of time, throw everything else away and tell her you would like to come back to smoking weed, when you've taken a long enough break to not be physically or psychologically addicted to it - work on yourself in the mean time.

No one smokes weed everyday unless there is something they are hiding from themselves or the rest of the world. No one. It's compulsive behaviour - maybe you are shy, or maybe you are trying to block some things out, but deal with your demons, then weed can be a healthy part of your life if you occasionally wanna get real buzzed or you feel like communing with the inner depths of your mind. Otherwise you are holding yourself back, dude!
 
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