Mental Health Relapsed after several months of sobriety - How do I find self confidence again?

[onetwonine]

I came out of rehab in May 2012. I was so sure I was completely done with drugs. Showed off my sobriety, started making real progress. Everything was great.

My first relapse with drugs was when i smoked a point of meth or my exams. I didn't really consider it a relapse at the time because it was the first time I had ever done meth. Opioids were my DOC so it was no big deal at the time.

Right after new years I went to my buddies place in Toronto, he wanted to bang a hydromorph before he left for his own stint of rehab and wanted me to show him how to do it. I went, and of course, I ended up shooting 6 mgs too.

After that its been a downward spiral so fast I can't even fully understand it yet.

I've since fallen into daily heroin use. Occasional meth use. and occasional cocaine use. The troubling thing is, I went straight to the needle with all of them. There was no real period where I stuck to smoking the H, I smoked it maybe twice and then went right to shooting it. I basically picked up where I left off right before I went to rehab, only bottomed out much faster.

I am currently 3 days clean (other than about 40mgs of methadone to ease my weekend). I came to my parents' home for the week so I can get away for a bit. I just have no idea how I'm going to face the world next week. Everything I have buillt up has been shattered. I can't even bring myself to delete my dealers numbers off my phone.

I can't lose.

I don't want to lose.

I just don't know how to win anymore. I don't know if I can win anymore. I'm broken.

 

[lonewolf05]

Delete your dealer's numbers. All of them and change your number. The needle bullshit is bad news my friend. Stay occupied. Listen to music, exercise, go to the movie theatre. You can do this!! Beat this shit again, you've beaten it before!!

 

[mindsnare]

Hey mate,

First of all congratulate yourself on making it so far. 7 months clean is huge and you should be so proud of that.

Relapses happen and you just need to stick with it. Delete the dealers numbers and avoid those friends who are still using if possible..

You are not broken, you are merely mortal. You have coping mechanisms that you used last year to stay clean so long, utilise them.

You can do this! Stay positive, forgive yourself for this one but don't give up.

All the best

 

[Ferox]

Perhaps you can make a list of all the things that made you feel going during your sobriety and all the things you hate about using. This way, while you're quitting, you have something to look at and motivate you as to why you're better off stopping while you're ahead.

7 months clean prior is amazing man!! That shows that you have some serious strength in you already. I've yet to go longer than a month and even today, I'm 2+ weeks clean of opiates and seriously struggling psychologically. It's so easy to get down on yourself, but just remember that this IS temporary, although it may not seem (I usually spend 72 hours awake before I get any sleep, just crying and wondering when my misery is going to end). Just hold out and sooner or later you'll get an hour or two that will make it ALL worth it. Then soon enough, those hours will last days and before you know it, you're up more time than you're down and your confidence will come back!

Confidence isn't inherit; it's developed through trial and perseverance. This is your test and you can pass it!

I can't lose.

I don't want to lose.

I just don't know how to win anymore. I don't know if I can win anymore. I'm broken.

This is a feeling I think EVERY opiate addict goes through, if not, all addicts. To beat an addiction is to beat one of the hardest trials in life. Consider this your psychological exercise of life. Beat this, and you can pretty much do anything!

 

[onetwonine]

What's really scaring me is my rediscovered love for IV coke. I know my life is gonna go to hell in the blink of an eye with that shit.

I can handle an IV dope habit, well as well as anyone can handle an IV dope habit.

IV coke turns me into a monster. I'm not the best with the needle as it is, add sleepless nights and over-stimulation to the mix and my hands shake more than an Alzheimers patient having a grand-mal seizure. Night always ends up with mangled bleeding arms where i fished around for veins, bunch of half missed shots. Penniless. No dignity. Nothing.

Got so bad I actually scared my buddy (an IV user himself) out of my room, with just how out of control I became.

I love that rush though.

Even in w/ds right now, I think i miss my coke shot more than my dope.

 

[Get2Think]

Hey man I know how hopeless it feels when your balls-deep into your IV addictions. It's a whirlwind or chaos all centered around that next fix. It puts you into this surreal trance where you feel like your living a dream. Heres the thing though, and I know you already know this, but the game is rigged. You can't win. Heroin/Coke will take your ass down its only a matter of time. And its going to hurt: BAD. If your lucky and don't die.

You need to get help. Perhaps suboxone could help bring some stability to your life, and you need to make a decision and then re-locate and then delete all your dealers numbers and be completely cut-off. Yes its going to suck, yes your going to miss drugs. But if you go through that you will reach the other side and be so glad to be free from that bondage. Recovery is very hard man, but so is being a junkie. The difference is being in recovery builds character and makes you a better person while being a junkie does the opposite. There is light at the end of the tunnel in recovery, there is only heartache and pain at the end of a junkies destination.

The best thing you can do is cut your loses. Admit you fucked up. And then make a plan, make an escape route which is fairly easy and something you will be able to do. If you get out now you will keep your life, and you will have hope man as it's even possible for IV users to get clean and turn their lives around. Your never beyond hope. But you have to take this serious, and only you can decide you want to quit. If you do reach that point whether its tommorow or 6 months from now, reach out for help. Because your going to need it and people such as myself will be here to help you through every step of your recovery. Recovery is here for the taking, I hope you will see that and find the desire and will you need in order to get help before its too late.

 

[onetwonine]

I changed my phone number

Deleted all my numbers except for one.

I can't shake this desire I have to drop a grand on dope (my last money) and stay fucked, right pinned, for 2 straight weeks. then hop on methadone.

I relapsed already anyway right?

 

[Sepher]

You might have relapsed already onetwonine but you have control here over how long the relapse lasts, you've demonstrated your power over this during those seven months clean, you can do that again. It's not like the situation is hopeless or that you'll always be a slave to your addictions. Relapse is a part of recovery, it's often where we learn the most about our addictive behaviours cos once you've freed yourself of a habit whatever triggers you back into one stands out clear for you to see. Pretty obvious where this slide kicked off, you can't be around people using. Lesson learned, move on.

Good luck.

 

[neversickanymore]

Unfortunately relapse often goes hand and hand addiction.. Try and stop feeling guilty, it will just feed your addiction. You are not starting over, you still have all that you learned and should feel proud of all that you have accomplished in your recovery. We often learn more from our mistakes than from correct decisions. Figure out what worked, what you didn't do that would have helped, what you did that set you back, what you where honest with yourself about and what you where not, what you need to do different. Get back at it and don't beat yourself up. The only way you can even think of yourself as a failure is if you give up. KEEP UP THE FIGHT! IF YOU KEEP IT UP IT WILL GET EASIER.