Foreigner
Bluelighter
My health condition has relapsed. This time might be different because more action is being taken right away, but I am still rapidly deteriorating, so much so that I may not be able to come online much longer. (If you want the back story just search for my previous thread in TDS.) So this post is also sort of a semi-goodbye to this community in case things really don't go well.
It's an odd thing to be dying of dysentery in the year 2016 in a developed country, to see the limitations in virtually every form of medicine. I can relate to all those people throughout the ages who languished and then slipped away quietly, in the most random of locations and understandings. My condition is almost totally treatment resistant, but they're going to start me on chemotherapy tomorrow anyway. (It's an immune suppressant, not a cancer agent.) I've done so much research into every iota of knowledge worldwide about my condition that I could probably write a book about it, but I have been unable to transform this. I keep telling my doctors that I feel there's a hidden infection at work here, but they don't listen. If their shitty lab tests don't find it, then it doesn't exist to them. So I am being ravaged by something that no one can see, except for my intuition and deep understanding of my body, as well as circumstantial evidence.
The main thing I'm struggling with right now is the loss of life. I'm really, really missing being able to do normal things like run a clinical practice, date, go to social events, travel, etc. My health condition has isolated me. I find myself comparing myself to other people in my age group, and feeling in my heart all the new things and experiences I would otherwise be having right now, if it weren't for lying flat slowly bleeding to death. I know this is a toxic thought process, but there's no point in denying what's happening to me. I'm 31 and in total stasis. What a luxury, what a gift it is to have so much vitality that there's extra to spare, to go on a bender with your friends, hike the mountains, have a steamy love affair, party all night, and explore new horizons. Your health is everything.
When I started to relapse I thought, "Well, maybe this time I'll just let myself die. What's the point?" But when I started blacking out from blood loss that nagging instinct to live kicked in. There's so much beauty and profundity in the world, and I feel like the gates are closed to me. I could never have imagined that previous years of such beauty, love, and wonder would be followed by such terrible, stagnating darkness. I have tapped every conceivable resource to change this. Now all I can do is turn to the void and ask for mercy, if there is such a thing. If I can't have my life back then I don't want to live, and I'm trusting from the deepest part of myself that somehow, some way, there is a mechanism in this universe that will hold me and be with me as I let go.
If I get too weak to post to BL much more, I just want to thank you all for being such a nice community to be part of. I felt true acceptance here. I just wish I wasn't so alone IRL right now.
It's an odd thing to be dying of dysentery in the year 2016 in a developed country, to see the limitations in virtually every form of medicine. I can relate to all those people throughout the ages who languished and then slipped away quietly, in the most random of locations and understandings. My condition is almost totally treatment resistant, but they're going to start me on chemotherapy tomorrow anyway. (It's an immune suppressant, not a cancer agent.) I've done so much research into every iota of knowledge worldwide about my condition that I could probably write a book about it, but I have been unable to transform this. I keep telling my doctors that I feel there's a hidden infection at work here, but they don't listen. If their shitty lab tests don't find it, then it doesn't exist to them. So I am being ravaged by something that no one can see, except for my intuition and deep understanding of my body, as well as circumstantial evidence.
The main thing I'm struggling with right now is the loss of life. I'm really, really missing being able to do normal things like run a clinical practice, date, go to social events, travel, etc. My health condition has isolated me. I find myself comparing myself to other people in my age group, and feeling in my heart all the new things and experiences I would otherwise be having right now, if it weren't for lying flat slowly bleeding to death. I know this is a toxic thought process, but there's no point in denying what's happening to me. I'm 31 and in total stasis. What a luxury, what a gift it is to have so much vitality that there's extra to spare, to go on a bender with your friends, hike the mountains, have a steamy love affair, party all night, and explore new horizons. Your health is everything.
When I started to relapse I thought, "Well, maybe this time I'll just let myself die. What's the point?" But when I started blacking out from blood loss that nagging instinct to live kicked in. There's so much beauty and profundity in the world, and I feel like the gates are closed to me. I could never have imagined that previous years of such beauty, love, and wonder would be followed by such terrible, stagnating darkness. I have tapped every conceivable resource to change this. Now all I can do is turn to the void and ask for mercy, if there is such a thing. If I can't have my life back then I don't want to live, and I'm trusting from the deepest part of myself that somehow, some way, there is a mechanism in this universe that will hold me and be with me as I let go.
If I get too weak to post to BL much more, I just want to thank you all for being such a nice community to be part of. I felt true acceptance here. I just wish I wasn't so alone IRL right now.
I also know what it's like to have Drs. not be able to help you...doctors have really not done much for me, other than tell me that they, as a collective profession, have no idea why some people (i.e. me) get the disease that I have, for which there is no cure.
