Relapse thoughts, guilt, and not giving a fuck.

[rollin_stoned]

Hey guys, I'm really glad to see that there's a recovery section in these forums now. I don't know why it took so long, but it will definitely help.

So, I'm part of the legal system, but I get off of it either by the end of August or end of September. Aside from all of the thoughts I have about drinking and doing k or dxm now that I have the extra freedom, I'm becoming disturbed about my thoughts that I get when I think about getting off paper. I know this will sound like such a stupid problem with an obvious answer, but it's just been something that's constantly been on my mind for the past week, and it's making me incredibly depressed which makes me want to take the risk and drink or do k/mxe/dxm even though that I KNOW it is only a temporary solution to my problem and not only will my problems still be there, but they'll multiply with the guilt of a relapse and having to keep it a secret along with the fear of a drug or alcohol test.

I've been clean for nearly 16 months now. I'm only 7 days shy of it. I have a job for the first time in my life unless you count the 3 weeks that I worked at Lil' Caesars back in 2010, I've done really well in my classes last semester...this semester not so much, I actually have REAL friends, I've gotten over my social anxiety, I'm starting a new relationship and the relationship with my family is better than ever. So why the FUCK do I want to go back? My drug of choice is heroin, but I turned 21 in jail and I just had my 22nd b-day 2 months ago, so I couldn't really celebrate the way that I want to. Aside from that, I still want to drink like the rest of my peers do and let loose and have fun like I used to. I want to go to music festivals and raves and take a bunch of MDMA, k, LSD, shrooms and just fly through hyperspace with the good vibes and good tunes of the atmosphere around me. I want to be able to smoke bud with my co-workers when we go on break, chief up before work and make our jobs more fun. I want to go out with this new person I'm seeing to the bar or club and get tipsy and dance together, laugh our asses off and let loose for the night.

I don't care as much about the heroin anymore. Sure, I still want to do it, but I know exactly where it will take me and so I don't even want to risk it. Everything else though? I just can't give it up.

The reason I made this post is because even though I seem to be dead set on doing all of those things once I'm out of the legal system, I really don't see myself being able to actually enjoy doing any of those things. AA and NA have truly weaved itself into the way I view the world, how I think, how I make judgements and decisions, my values and especially my morals. I fucking hate AA, NA, and the legal system for forcing me to go to these meetings because now I'm brainwashed by them.

I AM FUCKING BRAINWASHED BY AA AND NA!

A few days ago I was incredibly lonely, and I didn't want to bother anyone by calling them because it was 2 o'clock in the morning. A thought popped into my head that I should just drink. I got the same exact feeling in the pit of my stomach and in my chest as I did when I was sober and withdrawing and DESPERATELY looking for a way to just escape. I felt trapped and I was panicking and my thoughts were racing. The only way I knew to get rid of it was through drugs or alcohol. I didn't act on it though, I just sat there and let these thoughts ruminate inside my mind until the benadryl eventually kicked in and I went to sleep. I didn't drink, I didn't get high, but I felt DIRTY AS FUCK! So so so so so dirty, filthy, nasty, GUILTY! It was almost as though I actually used the drugs or alcohol. I even spent $40 dollars to take a drug test to prove to myself that I didn't use, but I still felt that same dirty guilt.

I went to a meeting and called myself out on it, and it actually helped, but now I'm left with this. I'm almost positive I'm going to do drugs and alcohol when I get off paper and I'm going to try my best to stay away from heroin, but I won't even enjoy doing those things. I'm going to feel this massive guilt the entire time that I'm high or drunk. I know all of you are thinking, "so then just don't do any of those things when you're out of the legal system." I already have that thought in my head, but I just don't know what the fuck to do. I don't know why I'm posting this, all I know is that I need help.

As my sponsor told me tonight, "nothing is worse than having a belly full of booze and a head full of AA."

 

[RedLeader]

The stress of trying to use around the urine tests while in the system will be way worse than the restlessness you are feeling now. Trust me. The system is bullshit, ya, but you gotta pick your battles. At least try and wait it out, because even a false positive (say, from too much DXM) can screw your life right back up. I used to give myself like 10 hours of clearance between when the heroin would stop making me test positive and when I tested. Looking back, that was insanely stupid, but hey...it is what it was. That stress was insane!

Forget what everyone tells you, though. Your real battle is still heroin. A lot of people roll, trip, get high, etc. But like it or not, you will have a taste for heroin for life. So you can only ever use what won't lead you back to Lady H. You have it harder than them since they don't crave "landing gear."

For me, I can smoke weed and use psyches. Can't drink (one drink and I would call for h). No benzos, no coke. And I am learning no kratom.

Make a list of everything and really ask "could this lead me back to heroin in any way?" Same dealer, same using friends, used to use this drug with h, a bad time might make me crave h, and so on. You will never get out of the system if h stays around. And man, you are too good a guy for a life wasted like that.

What you are experiencing now is normal. Anyone in recovery who denies cravings or drug nostalgia is a liar. It is how you respond to them, knowing your past mistakes, that counts.

 

[neversickanymore]

Hey hang in there and as redleader said it wont be worth it to play with the system. Here are some ideas on what clean and sober is to people.. http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/threads/673066-What-do-you-consider-to-be-clean-and-sober/page2.. hang in there.

 

[spork]

r_s, you know I'm here for you any time of the day or night if you need to get things off your chest. I've seen the way you've changed and grown into your current self and I'm extremely proud of you and glad to be able to have you as a friend. Do what you need to do for yourself and don't feel guilty about it. The thoughts are just thoughts and thinking about the future too much can prove to be self sabotaging. You can get through this, just take it one day/moment at a time.

 

[dopemaster]

Im an opiate addict myself. Ive spent the last few years going to AA and well still using. My first experiences with AA and NA where when I was 19 (probation). I relapsed while on probation and only pissed dirty once. I was very lucky my PO let me go. I hate thinking about AA to be honest. Usually mock it with all my friends who have at once point picked up some chips and every body knows the saying. So easy does it man. Its works if you work it. So just be easy and call somebody. Dont you hate that shit cuz thats my advice. Just take it one day at a time. If that doesnt work one minute, one second, one moment. Its a bitch itsnt. My sponsor used to say AA isnt for pussies. Shit I feel guilty as fuck typing this post. Especially since I already wrote the ending below.


You COULD relapse like me. Its a BAD idea. Im a miserable motherfucker if you ever met one. All my relationships are fucked up. Even if I end up with a good woman I end up cheating on her at the drop of a hat. I inject benadryl with my morphine everyday. Im addicted to oxy and morphine primarily. I use just about everything out there. I used to like rolls and trips but that went out the window when opiates came into my life. Than it was coke and speed. I dont know about that girl, I need that boy in my life, if you know what Im saying. I used to be a drunk but if I drink it makes me sick. That tends to happen when your strung out bad on opiates. Ill be happy as a clam in less than a week when I get my refills nad my check. Ill get my head on straight, get laid, buy some dope, and then run out of pills and money and get strung out and when wds subsided Id pick up the bottle. At this point I would go to AA for the rest of the month. I did that cycle for 2-3 years. Two weeks using opiates and two weeks going to AA and drinking and doing other drugs. I feel like my sponsor could help someone else better.

 

[neversickanymore]

. I want to go to music festivals and raves and take a bunch of MDMA, k, LSD, shrooms and just fly through hyperspace with the good vibes and good tunes of the atmosphere around me.... I want to go out with this new person I'm seeing to the bar or club and get tipsy and dance together, laugh our asses off and let loose for the night.

hey rolin.. wanted to reply to this earlier but my mouse pad caught a case of the sensitivities.. looks to me like you are just slowly making your way around the cycle of addiction.. what really worries me is that in thinking about using again you still have really hard abuse intentions.. if you end up using and plan on going insanely big you will end up rite back where you started from.. IMO i dont think that using is a good idea for you yet.. also i think you are just cycling through the addictive cycle, where are you at in this do you think?

• Frustration and internal pain that leads to anxiety and a demand for relief of these symptoms
• Fantasizing about using alcohol and drugs or behaviors to relieve the uncomfortable symptoms
• Obsessing about using drugs and alcohol and how his or her life will be after the use of substances
• Engaging in the addictive activity, such as using substances to gain relief (acting out)
• Losing control over the behavior
• Developing feelings of remorse, guilt and shame, which lead to feelings of dissatisfaction
• Making a promise or resolve to oneself to stop the behavior or substance use
• After a period of time, the pain returns, and the addict begins to experience the fantasies of using substances again.

This cycle can rotate on a variable basis. For example, binge users rotate through this cycle more slowly. Daily users may rotate through the cycle of addiction daily or several times throughout the day. This cycle can be arrested at any point after the addict or alcoholic makes a decision or is forced to get help. Sometimes, the consequences that arise (legal, financial, medical or social) force the addict or alcoholic to stop using. However, in the absence of outside help, such as alcohol or drug detox followed by addiction treatment help, the substance abuse or addictive behavior is likely to return.

 

[RebelWithACause]

I get it. You're young and unfortunately you burned out quickly....once you do H (or methamphetamine) IMO youre at the top of the pyramid. Be mad about that fact if you want. That's ok. Just one piece of advice: do not use while on paper. The powers that be are just waiting to revoke your paper. Think about this: have you ever known the govt to close a prison for lack of inmates? You really want to lose your youth try prison. No judgment here....just don't want you sent down is all. Wait until youre free bc right now youre not. Idk about using K or psychedelics etc. post-paper I just know for me....all substances (except weed) lead to heavy opiate use. You may be different.

 

[DoctorK]

Fuck AA and NA, former opiate addict, current Ketamine addict, here to tell you drugs are definitely not the answer. I go to raves too, I love all the same things you do and I feel like I can really relate to you. Trust me when I say when you're not doing drugs they seem like the best thing in the world, and when you are doing drugs, having a normal life seems like the best thing in the world. So how can you tell which one really is the better? The answers clear, you already know the answer.

You have two choices my friend: doing drugs, getting high as much as your budget will allow you, and decaying your lifespan exponentially until you die or staying sober and having a stable lifestyle and working towards having an EVEN BETTER lifestyle in the future, with every day being brighter than the last. However, I'm not here to tell you which one is the right one. You already know which one you want more. Take time to meditate, calm yourself, relieve yourself from immediate desires, and think about what you want out of life. Which of the two would truly make you happy.

I do not believe that the sober lifestyle is for everyone. I am not some NA preacher here to tell you you MUST do this or you MUST do that. But you do need to realize whatever you choose will have longterm consequences, whether it be good consequences or bad.

best of luck to you my friend, feel free to message me if you need anyone to talk to. PLUR

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

I'm having similar trouble at the moment.

Six months clean and I'm starting to get a lot of thoughts of using, feeling like I'm missing out by being clean, fearful about not being able to form relationships whilst in recovery, having dreams about relapse, feelings of loneliness, feeling like I can use certain things successfully again....all that sort of shit. It's really fucking my head up if I'm honest.

 

[Renz Envy]

When you relapse, your addiction typically moves much quicker. It's like during your brief period of sobriety, you forgot how to hit the brakes.

And yes, after working a program, the consequences for use are much steeper.

 

[Ozekat]

Its a confusing lifestyle, for sure. Just right now I'm scrounging up change to go get booze, justification if you ask me. Barely 24 hours out of opiate use, and I grasp at straws (no pun intended) to fill the void that substances only seem to make bigger and bigger over time.

But I probably will get beer, and honestly I won't feel guilty about it as long as I'm not on that oxy or dope. Should I feel guilty, I wonder? I don't know but lately I've found the only substances that trigger me to use legit opiates are things like kratom, even loperamide because they are just a sad excuse for the real stuff. Why use kratom at all? It only reminds me of my DOC's....

I hope you don't get in trouble with the legal side and stay away from your DOC, at the least.

 

[ABCDFG I Ate The E]

Man i'm in the same boat.. probation, social anxiety, addicted to H and opiates (and benzos for 3-4 years) , relapsed 7 times at 20 yrs old!!! i dont smoke weed because of probation.. otherwise i would just do that. i love tripping and K and MXE.. don't roll anymore because I fucked my serotonin up by going on 2 2-week binges of 6-apb. I feel like this H/opiate addiction is with me for life (which is what everyone I know that's on suboxone or methadone says: the mental craving part NEVER GOES AWAY) I crave opiates 24/7.. like even after a rave I get home.. coming down from a trip and it's like.. wheres my needles, cell phone and some cash to score some H. SOMEBODY HELP?!?!?!?! (my life problem, also my gf of 2 years problem.) I have 1 year 4 months of paper left and $4,500 to pay off which 3600 of it is bullshit restitution. I can't get on suboxone BECAUSE OF PROBATION... someone that posted above me was talking about the stress of probation and doing drugs.. TELL ME ABOUT IT. I have a panic attack every 2 weeks b4 I have to see my p.o even though everything is okay. someone PM me please?

 

[88ed3]

If you feel you habe been Brainwashed,then YOU need to seek hela help,ASAP....,because you ARE WEAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Ozekat]

I don't think thats really called for 88ed3.....why are you gonna go and call him out like that??? We're all here for the same reason, to get better not have people going around calling us weak.....people who are weak are those who never realize they have a problem, or realize too late and do themselves in with drugs. That is weak!

 

[Jdub8]

I think AA works if you actually participate in the program and put your mind to it. I had been slacking big time... getting my paycheck blowing thorugh 600 bux in a weekend on optiates and then about 2 weeks of sobriety with my suboxone. I was lying to myself and everyone around me. I realized whats the point of going if Im not in it for the long run? Im 52 days clean today and going strong. The program and my sponsor are a tremendous help.