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Relapse on IV FENTANYL after 90 days clean

S

saturatedTHC

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 7, 2009
Messages
221
I have struggled with opiates since 15 years old, opana was my main from 17-20 years old, 21-24 was heroin, subutex, kratom, 24-26 has been acetyl-fentanyl, fentanyl hcl.

The last 90 days I've truly been clean and sober for the first time in over 10 years. I have gotten into going to AA and NA meetings and meeting a lot of awesome people.

So about a month ago I got a stupid idea to go and cop 10mg fentanyl hcl. I was high as hell for 5 days. Then I felt like shit for over a week dope sick, barely functional even tho I was only high for 5 days.

So another week goes by and all I want to do is get high. So I go home to my family for thanksgiving, and I go and retrieve a stash of 4 grams MDA and 3 grams MDMA. When I go back in town where I live I binge out and was up on MDA for 3 or 4 days straight, and the last 36+ hours I was IVing the MDA back to back constantly every 2-4 hours just packing the syringe half full of crushed MDA then sucking up water and banging it. I got way outta hand but in the moment it was so good, felt no side effects at all other than tripping hard as hell and loving it.

Well when I ran out of MDA that night, I got some heroin. The next day, heroin again. Before I knew it I shot heroin for the whole week, which was last week.

Now Monday 12/14 comes, I'm dope sick, and guess what stupid thing I have done again, 100mg fentanyl hcl is at my doorstep.

Its 3am Thursday morning and I've burned through what looks like 20mg already.

I feel like I am right on the critical point where if I can stop now, mabe I will be able to save all I have worked for and not have to go back to rehab like I just did about 4 month's ago.

But I know I can't stop and it hurts me so bad because of all the great and wonderful people I have met and that have helpe me these last 4 month's.

I am very good at getting high right in front of everyone and they don't know and don't even suspect. I am very isolated even though I am part of a recovery community, and when people see me I never hang out or chill I always find somewhere alone, so when people see me they don't expect anything more than a "hi" or "bye", just the way I usually like it.

But lately a few people have taken me "under their wing" and I can't get away from them, they are just trying to help me and also I help them, but most of the time I have to do what I usually do and isolate before they see me nod or something.

I guess I just needed to get this off my chest, and I want to think what some of you guys have to say about this situation I have gotten myself into.

Thank you for any help or insight.
 
Saturated: It sounds like are ashamed/afraid to go to anyone in your current recovery community and tell them about this relapse, asking them for support and guidance at the same time. You must feel so alone when they are so close, and yet, you are emotionally closed off from them. Is there even one person who would understand? It seems that you care for these friends, and they helped you during your first four months in recovery. You know what your DOC can do, how dangerous it is, and where it can lead you.
I think you want to stop now. You will find support and encouragement here on BL, of course, but you probably need to have that face to face in person support from another addict who can help you get honest and get right back into recovery. You can stop now. You can be clean for Christmas and New Year's, or whatever holiday you choose to celebrate at this time of year. I am praying for you!
 
Thank you P0kemama for the support. You are right, I am scared and ashamed to tell anyone the truth. I am currently living in a halfway house aswell, and I fear if I come out and tell the truth I will be kicked out. A few people have relapsed and didn't get kicked out but it was like a one time relapse, I've been bingeing out for a while now, so I highly doubt I wouldn't get kicked out.

I have a major problem, I literally can't stop getting high, I'm getting really low on the fent, I try to just maintain, then I go right back into the bathroom and do a big one. Then 3-4 hours later I'm back in the bathroom measuring out another big shot, its totally insanity. At this rate I'm going to be out by Christmas, and gonna be in for one hell of a wakeup call!

This stuff is so unbelievably addicting its mind boggling! I don't have a job although I go out everyday applying for jobs, half my day now consists of going to a bathroom somewhere usually here at the halfway house or a fast-food place or gas station, and nodding out for a half hour until I am woken up by someone knocking on the door.

Iam fairly smart, able bodied, young in my mid twenties, and fairly aware of what is going on with myself and the environment around me, but this addiction has totally taken compete control again.

I think the best thing I can do now is tomorrow I am going on a search for subutex or suboxone, that way I won't ruin Christmas for my whole family from being so incredibly dopesick that I will have to miss visiting them for Christmas and put myself into a detox or something.

I know my family is excited and looking forward to seeing me for the holidays, its going to break their hearts to find out the day I'm supposed to be coming home that I have relapsed and sick as hell.
 
I had an issue with fent some time ago, and I know the horrors of it. Also, AF and BF, which are a nightmare. I used all the above for over a year, daily, and was hitting it every 2 to 3 hours. All I can say is that coming off that shit made me never want to touch it ever again. But yeah...I've been on and off my whole life with various things, though now I stick to mostly psychedelics and weed. Anyway, I feel for you, man, and best of luck. You can do whatever you want, though I know it's hard as hell, but waking up not in WDs, sleeping without drugs, and living without the fucking slave mentality is worth it. But like I always say...you have to pay the gods of suffering for a while, but it is well worth it. You know you can't keep this up, and don't become the thing you've always feared. And, it isn't too late, so take that as you will. Best to you!
 
"Agoraphobia (ag-uh-ruh-FOE-be-uh) is a type of anxiety disorder in which you fear and often avoid places or situations that might cause you to panic and make you feel trapped, helpless or embarrassed." -Mayo clinic

I have so many words, so many I believe can help, and yet this is the best I can pull together for sadly,... Your struggle is real; the struggle to connect while staying alive. I commend you on your struggles. Keep pushing and stop isolating yourself as it will always lead to you returning to find aid be it company or more fent.

Stay strong brother/sister... It's not your whole life just one day at a time.
 
Ok so everything is still crazy, I got kicked out of the half way house for failing a drug test fo meth, now I'm staying with someone I've only knew for a few days, all I do all day is shoot fent, and sometimes meth.

Now I have a new problem, the last few days my ankles have started swelling up, and now they are almost 3 times the normal size! So does anyone know what could cause my ankles to swell up all of a sudden? I mainly shoot up with purified water from water bottles and very rarely use sink water
 
I first noticed the pressure in my ankles when I would fall asleep sitting up from shooting fent all night, and I wake up still in the same position sitting up on the couch, the last 2 nights I made sure to actually lay down to sleep and its still only getting worse, I'm a mess
 
bro just hang in there man. Just keep trying. You really want to quit! I know it! Your time will come if you want it badly enough! I had to relapse soo many times and it even happened recently. I quit after a week of using though, cuz I knew it was so fucking lame. Seriously shooting up and the whole gig its not even worth it and you know it.

The self isolation will kill you bro. You can't live liek that. You need to reach out. We live in a weird society where you can be removed from everyone and still amongst them. Humans are not built for that shit. I honestly think half the reason opiates were so appealing to me when I was 20 was cuz I was self isolating from depression and what not.

Now I reach out. I try to get out. I contact my friends. I make those calls. I'm happier than I've ever been man and I've had a really hardcore life just like you. I'm 27 now and I finally have a really nice place that I feel sober in. I got off methadone and heroin. Been clean from heroin for the most part of the past 3 years. I relapsed a lot, but the majority of those years been clean. I just got off methadone like 3 months ago. I came down slowly from 90mg. I was the worst kind of junkie too. Always broke, always sick, on the streets, stealing, hustling, just living like a fuckin animal. So if I can do it, you can too!!! The one thing I'll say though is that I have been picking myself back up forever. I just don't quit. I have a belief in the idea that I can be happy and that keeps me going. A lot of the time you don't even realize your getting better, but you are. The fact that you even care now says it all. Im sure in the psat you would be happy as fuck that you have fent.

You ain't even getting a real high anyway. Fent is so fuckin lame. I dunno about you, but I get cold chills 2 hours after a fent shot. Wtf is that? Plus u can die over a shitty buzz like dat. Nah homie. Just fukin throw the shit in the shitter and lay down on the couch for the next week like I'm sure uve done 10x over
 
Go see a dr about your ankles man. thats not something we can really help you with.

Get yourself stable. It took me forever, many shitty spots, but I'm finally stable. Grab a room and work your way up over the next few years. Find some stability
 
Thank you d3athadone for all the positive encouragement, I have experienced pretty much all the same positives as you, but this fent is a little different.

I'm not on the streets and having to steal or hustle, the fent is so stupidly cheap and potent its so hard to stop. I could stop, but when only a few dollars a day allows me basically unlimited amounts of opioid, its psychologically overpowering.


I had enough to last a pretty long while, but as you said it doesn't last that long, so I'm constantly doing shots like at least 5-10/ day, but when I run out like yesterday, and get a few shots from the wash out of the tiny bag just to feel normal, I realize what lasted me a week of constant injections, I could probably make last 2 weeks if I would space it out and definitely get a better high by coming down and getting a good rush, then coming down again rather obsessively injecting for a whole week barely sleeping and having my ankles swell up because absurd amounts of fent and I'm in the same cloths for3 or more whole days and never lay down to sleep only finally pass out sitting up in the same position not even taking my shoes off.

So I'm officially dope sick and I was constantly going to the restroom to piss and eliminated all the excess fluid in my body and my ankles are just about normal now, so banging fent for a week on a couch sitting up not even going anywhere or doing anything apparently swelled my feet ankles and legs. I noticed my legs were swelled too and I could press my finger into my shin area and leave a finger "dent" type of imprint that took like a couple minutes to go away it was freaky.
 
I forgot to mention I already paid for more so I'm gonna be sick as fuck for a few days, straight agony as you all know and then the cycle keeps on for now. I will get out of this cycle I'm confident about that and hopefully this can be the last relapse.
 
The last 12hours I've done 2 fat shots of crystal to (if you can imagine) to take my mind off of this dopesickness, the first shot was at 3pm and made me choke and cough, it was a very intense rush, almost nutted in my pants literally, I've even been so dopesick alone I've just spontaneously nutted in my pants in just complete agony I was delerious and hallucinating, it was nothing but intense pain.

The crystal got me feeling better for only a few hours a shot then I feel fully dopesick. But it seems to work enough its all i got
 
damn, bro...

ive been where you are. that shit sucks. its such a lonely, dark, desperate place. fentanyl is pretty hardcore...and you say youre getting it for cheap too. :/ yeah, it would be hard for me to say no to cheap fent too if i were you. i used to do fent before i was even shooting up and that stuff got me more fucked up than heroin or any opiate ive ever done before. it blows my mind when i hear people shooting up meth or speed when theyre dopesick. UGGHHH. that shit is the worst!!! anytime i would do speed when i was sick, it just made it 1000x worse. gross. i would get more dopesick. fuck that.

but anyway...i dunno. you just gotta be DONE, man. totally done.
 
This thread brings me so much pain, mainly because I can remember so clearly being dope sick as hell, and only being able to get cocaine...and staying up all night shooting coke till I was in a state of psychosis. Those comedowns, along with withdrawal were so brutally suicidal. It honestly makes me sick and cringe to even think about. I see you are a poly drug abuser. I would hate to think about how coming down off meth while dopesick would be.

Your body is telling you something bro. Seek medical treatment and try and get back into rehab. You are runnin and gunnin at full speed already. Oh and lastly, I use to think for years I was super clever too, that no one knew I was high when I was. Trust me, they all do. Whether they will say something about it is a different story.
 
Damn saturated, this is a pretty brutal lifestyle. Really hoping ya can find a way to break the cycle and find a little stability in the near future. I did want to comment about the swollen feet/ankles thing though. That's happened to me and a few people I've known in the opie game as well. The common variable was always nodding off whilst sitting upright in a chair. I think it has something to do with the combination of the drug use and really poor circulation to your feet/ankles when you're in that sitting position. It always subsided after keeping my feet more elevated and not getting full nod off blitzed for a few days. Hope things look up for you man!
 
So I relapsed on fentanyl about 4 months ago after being completely clean for 90 days. Since then I have been dealing with my feet, ankles and legs swelling up, sometimes my ankles swell up twice the normal size and my feet get so swollen you can see my shoe laces bulging out.

Has anyone else experienced this? It happens when I re-up and I literally get extremely high for a week or 2 straight, then when I start getting low I slow down and the swelling goes down and then goes away after about 3-4 days

It's like I have absolutely no control over doing it in moderation after I re-up, I just bang fent all day until I get so low I leave a tiny bit left that has to last mabe a few days, an amount that I would normal do in 1 day or less.

So when I'm forced to finally stop the hardcore week(s) long binge, I start to urinate a lot and its just clear like water even if I'm taking vitamins that would normal turn my urine neon green and yellow.

Also this last binge that started on Jan 25th and literally ended today (Feb 3) has left my whole body covered in rashes and hives, I was so blasted this whole time I didn't care about destroying all my body that is covered by a t-shit and shorts, I just scrached and scratched and I itched so much all over. My fault for doing it this bad, usually I can control it but this time I had no control

Sorry I just have a lot to say about this last binge, I had absolutely no control, just going into the bathroom every few hours then nodding out standing over the sink for 20 minutes until my friend comes and gets me before I fall and hurt myself, I'm really deep in a bad fentanyl addiction, and I see no way out.
 
I know exactly what you're going through. i just recently got off the fent been 12 days now. I would be constantly going to bathroom to use every hour or so. The half life is so short i would spend at least a hour in wd every day. I would wake up at least 4 times in middle of night in wd's and they are horrible. I was using about 2 grams of the powder a thats flooded my town a day. My tolerance was so high for so long regular opies had no effect any more. The only reason ihave 12 days is i had to check my self in to a detox facility i stayed there for 10 days then got on suboxon maintenance. Im starting to feel a little bit normal on 16mg of subs a day. As of the ankle and feet thing ive never herd of that happening before. I hope you will pull out of the fent game before its to late. that stuff is super dangerous.
 
Man. I know how it feels to be doing great for a few months and then slip and intend to pick myself up agaon and then slip again but then decide that I've already fucked up so, what the hell? Especially with needles. Shit is really disheartening especially when you lose your shelter and start quickly losing everything you worked hard for during your sober time. The trick is to not give up and say fuck it. A relapse is just a relapse and it isn't complete failure, once you set your mind to actually going through the withdrawal and make a point to stop isolating and tell one of your NA or AA supports, it will be easier. Once you tell someone the truth and ask for help then you are held accountable for your actions and they will absolutely help you pick yourself up.

On the swollen ankles thing... Definitely go to a doctor and get checked. Could be an internal organ issue, could be a blood flow issue as I know if you nod out and pass out and cut the circulation off to your extremities it can restrict blood flow and cause damage slowly over time. If it happens for long enough sometimes doctors will tie off the limb and amputate if they are worried it has been long enough for the blood to go bad and letting it circulate back into the body might cause toxic shock or something. Definitely ask for help and see a doctor. It is never a complete failure and it's never acceptable to give up. There is so much more in life for you man.
 
Lucidmonster22 said:
I know exactly what you're going through. i just recently got off the fent been 12 days now. I would be constantly going to bathroom to use every hour or so. The half life is so short i would spend at least a hour in wd every day. I would wake up at least 4 times in middle of night in wd's and they are horrible. I was using about 2 grams of the powder a thats flooded my town a day. My tolerance was so high for so long regular opies had no effect any more. The only reason ihave 12 days is i had to check my self in to a detox facility i stayed there for 10 days then got on suboxon maintenance. Im starting to feel a little bit normal on 16mg of subs a day. As of the ankle and feet thing ive never herd of that happening before. I hope you will pull out of the fent game before its to late. that stuff is super dangerous.
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Not sure of the type of fent you were using but this stuff lasts a good while. No where near heroin but if I shoot up at 1am then wake up at 7am I feel fine no WDs, just feeling tired and alittle sluggish because at around 10am I'm gonna start the cold sweats ect, now mind you I'm doing a lot, if I do a maintenance dose at 1am then I will probably be woken up at 4 or 5am just starting to go into WD.

I have been to the point of not being able to sleep more than 5 to 6 hours at a time without waking up to dose but waking up 4 times a night is just crazy
 
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