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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Relapse on heroin after more than a year of sobriety. Feeling like a total failure.

A year is a long time to go without relapsing!

If anything, you should think about all of the people who relapsed after an hour, a day, a week, maybe a month or months of sobriety within the same year you didn't use at all. :)

Something got you through that, and you weren't feeling like a failure then. Remember that. :)
 
Freddy, I have ALMOST a year clean off heroin and other opiates and I feel I am sitting on the verge of relapse....real quick like. I have always been told that relapse is a part of recovery. Hang in there bro, you just need to pick yourself back up and keep moving forward. So, you had a step backwards, stop. Don't move back anymore, even if you have to stand still, just no more going backwards! You can do this. Get yourself clean again Freddy, you got this bro <3
 
Thanks Captain and Stormy ;)

@Stormy

Thank you again stormy. And I hope you stay clean. Don't make the same mistake I did.

Right now I'm just trying to keep moving., figuratively as well as literally. I force myself to go on walks even when I don't want to. I find that the sunshine really helps. I am not looking forward to Winter though lol. That will suck big time.
 
man bro, I'm sorry. You done good. I know that withdrawals are hellish and methidone or sub's ain't the answer but your concience is convicting you which is good. Most ppl don't even know they have a problem until it's to late. Ya you have to shake off those old friends like move to the other side of the world but I understand that there are limits to even what you can do. I'll be praying for you. My litl brother went thru those withdrawals and he made it. Has a beautiful gf and life is looking peachy for him. The upside to this is. You feel bad for what you are doing. Thats a good heart.
 
Youre not a failure my friend. Im coming up on 9 months clean and your story inspires me to continue working my program. I love ya bud, just remember all of us here on BL who have been down the same road as you. Were all here for ya. Keep your head up, and keep pushing, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute if needed. All that shit passes in time and next thing you know youll have another year clean. :)
 
The feeling of utter failure can also be looked at as a good sign. If you didn't have that feeling, you would be in bad shape. If you relapsing is failing, then staying clean is the right path in your mindset. That's the key. So everyone makes mistakes, we all fail at certain things, at certain moments. Your on the right path, just keep walking.
 
Thanks to you all fellow bluelighters and dark siders. I'm on my fourth day of sobriety. Just went through a three day hell ride covered in sweat and pain I never imagined. No weaning just cold turkey again. Went to a NA meeting on my second day sweating bullets and tried to tell my story but failed as I struggled to control my shivering, I just kept muttering I can't do this anymore, I can't do this anymore.

It was inspiring to have all those people tell me that I have what it took to beat this bullshit despite the fact that I was on the verge of what seemed liked death to me.

And I have to say I visited this thread often and re-read every post numerous times to help me get through it. That and a healthy dose of xanax certainly helped ;). I've turned the corner now I think. The worst of the withdrawal pains are gone. I still get occasional shivers up my back but the aches and pain are gone. I think I've beat this.

FUCK YOU HEROIN I BEAT YOU AGAIN!!!! :p HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA

Love to you all my friends. I have never met any of you but I love you all <3 And now working on towards day 5 ;) Wish me luck my far flung friends.

Edit: I'm actually teary eyed right now because I feel free again. Now I just have to apologize to everyone I broke a promise to. This is gonna be tough but it is the right thing to do. They need to know I failed, but that my failure was only temporary.

Ok now I am actually crying. haha. But they are tears of joy. I'm free once again. I don't have to ever go through this again If I don't want to.

I don't believe in God, but if there is something divine in this world, if something in this world could be viewed as holy. It is the pursuit of self perfection. Impossible it may be to attain, it is a worthy goal. That and the search for personal truth. And the truth is I am an addict. I have a weakness. But I've overcome it once again. I beat it down despite being beat down myself. I feel like nothing can touch me. I fool myself I know, everything is in constant motion. Who knows I might relapse another year from now or tomorrow. But for now I am free. For now I've gained a step towards self betterment. I am light years away from self perfection, but given time anything can reach anywhere.

Again. Thank you all. I love you all more than you can possibly imagine. I mean that. I'm not bullshitting. And to all those going through something similar. I feel for you. Just know that you have the will to beat it. Look into yourself and try and find that divinity that lies dormant. Awaken it and pull through. Easier said than done I know. But if a hopeless fuck up like me can do it, so can you.

To quote a personal hero of mine.

"Look within, for within is the wellspring of virtue, which will not cease flowing, if you cease not from digging." ~Marcus Aurelius
 
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I'm so glad to see you are dealing with the problem :)
Thank goodness you have a grasp on things now, I like your positive attitude :)
Hope you get well soon :)
 
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A TDS mod helped saved my life back in december/early january. TDS has saved my life and made me into a better person, i incorporate BL into my recovery program as kind of service work i guess you could say. TDS is like a 24/7 support group for pretty much anything, its anonymous, and full of love. Keep pushin on my friend. Depending on your timezone, youre already onto another day! Keep us posted on your progress, im cheerin for ya :) <3
 
Well you made me cry, too, Freddy. Reading your post about going to the meeting on day 2 was very moving. That took so much courage and determination and faith. That is what you have now on a deeper level than you had before the relapse--faith in yourself. It's a beautiful thing. I am so happy for you.<3
 
The first few days are the worst, but going to meetings while sick as shit shows such strength and determination. Love ya bud, keep on fightin. I will keep you in my prayers. A close friend of mine recomitted to na tonight after he "lost" 2 years. We can all do this together. Like we say here at the end of the meetings when we circle up for prayer "let this circle represent that what we cant do alone, we can do together. We may not have it all together but together we can have it all".
 
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