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Relapse on heroin after more than a year of sobriety. Feeling like a total failure.

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freddy47

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 26, 2011
Messages
1,775
As the title says I was clean for more than a year. Now I've relapsed and I am now back to using heroin almost daily.

I feel like shit. Not only that but I feel like I deserve nothing but hatred and self loathing. Now I'm trying to quit again but I fear the withdrawal more than anything else.

It is tearing me up inside. During that year I found a great job, finally started making money and had a life completely free of addiction. Now because of some vacation time; a chance, encounter with a former dealer friend of mine, and a total lack of self control on my part, I find myself back in this terrible cycle. I need help but I have no one to turn to. I just don't know what to do. :(
 
freddy47 said:
As the title says I was clean for more than a year. Now I've relapsed and I am now back to using heroin almost daily.

I feel like shit. Not only that but I feel like I deserve nothing but hatred and self loathing. Now I'm trying to quit again but I fear the withdrawal more than anything else.

It is tearing me up inside. During that year I found a great job, finally started making money and had a life completely free of addiction. Now because of some vacation time; a chance, encounter with a former dealer friend of mine, and a total lack of self control on my part, I find myself back in this terrible cycle. I need help but I have no one to turn to. I just don't know what to do. :(
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You know what you have to do. You got sober, and made a good life for yourself. Don't let the one slip ruin that or delay your return to sobriety. Everyone falls, dust yourself off and get back up. You've done it before and can do it again.

Good luck.
 
You're better off than you were a year ago. Its a process. Dwelling on a relapse and continuing to use leads back down the same hole you worked hard enough to dig yourself out of. I'm struggling to keep it together myself after being pretty successful for a couple years. Fight that depression immediately after and don't keep using to mask it. The last thing you want to do is deal with withdrawals so quit while you're still ahead. Like i said im struggling myself and feel like shit because of it too. Support from friends and positive affirmations are keeping me at least attempting to stay off the shit
 
man you're not a failure, look at the facts, you've stayed off for a year, you've got a job, you can do all that again. so many people relapse it's almost like it's part of the process, keep your head up/
 
i against i said:
man you're not a failure, look at the facts, you've stayed off for a year, you've got a job, you can do all that again. so many people relapse it's almost like it's part of the process, keep your head up/
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Listen to this op. Relapse truly is a fundamental process for many overcoming addiction.
And is that a bad brains refferance i against i?
 
yea man everyone is right, you are better off than before and the truth is relapse IS a part of recovery. So you fell down, so what? learn from this and keep going.
 
Don't beat yourself up about it. You were able to go a whole YEAR without heroin, you can do it again - and this time you know you're capable of it. Just push through the first few weeks and you know it'll get easier after that. You're only human, don't be mad at yourself. Just get out of it before you're back at the bottom again.
 
listen to everything that everyone just told you. you didn't lose anything. i just went through this with one of my friends. keep your head up. PM if you need to. stay in there.
 
that stuff about failure is just your addiction talking to you. get up and dust yourself off. a year plus of clean time is nothing to sneeze at. people relapse and people move on from relapse.

it's all too easy to say 'i fucked up, so it's alright to keep fucking up' but try saying that out loud and see how silly that rationalization sounds.

we're always here for you.
 
Thank you everyone for all your kind words <3

I really, really appreciate it guys.

When I posted this thread I was really high and really depressed about the fact that I was high lol (if that makes any sense). I guess I had just convinced myself that if I hadn't quit when I did I would be dead now. And after this relapse I thought I was back on the same road and going to end up dead at some point. At one point I considered cooking up a fatal shot and offing myself as part of some asinine self fulfilling prophecy. But my head is clear now and I think I know what I have to do.

It is like you guys said, I've done it once I can do it again. I just flushed the last of my stash and am not looking forward to the comedown. But I think I'm ready to tackle this again. Hopefully the withdrawal won't be too bad, I've been on kind of a binge lately. Here goes nothing.

Your support is very much appreciated guys.

Thanks, peace, and much love.
 
Freddy, you're not a failure.

Like others have said, relapse is part of recovery. You're much better than you were one year ago! I'm glad to hear that you're willing to tackle the drugs again and resist any urges. I really do wish you the best and hope the come-down isn't horrific for you. Try to stay positive, you're not a failure. In my opinion addiction is a sickness, and with all other sicknesses, it is possible to be "reinfected".

Take care <3
 
I think getting clean gets more easy every time you do it. You know whats going to happen, you made it through before you know you can do it... just try again. You can try over and over again its when you stop trying that its all over for you
 
Freddy, I am so glad that you are feeling positive about what you have to do. I am assuming that you still have your job? Hopefully you will just have a few sick days (it is the beginning of flu season) and you will have lost nothing and gained more insight into the vulnerability you still have. It's all about knowing yourself, your triggers and weaknesses and strengths and strategies.

Keep us posted. It's nice to see your name around here again!<3
 
Thanks again guys for all your support. You have no idea how helpful you guys are being right now so thanks <3

@Herbavore

Yeah I still I have my job. I am currently on vacation so I'm thinking about using this vacation time to quit and get straight. Thanks for checking up on me ;)

However I am having trouble going the cold turkey route at the moment. I tried all last night trying to sleep. Just couldn't do it. I kept shivering and sweating, it was God awful, just as I remembered it. Today I bought a very small bag just so I could feel normal enough to go out and buy some food. I'm hoping I can buy some suboxone or something so I don't have to do cold turkey again. I don't really want to wean because that will just be an excuse to use for me. But right now cold turkey seems unbearable. I will try again tonight but I am not confident I can do it and follow through with it.

I need to find a way to beat this and I am trying everything I can. Any suggestions would be much appreciated.
 
freddy47 said:
Thanks again guys for all your support. You have no idea how helpful you guys are being right now so thanks <3

@Herbavore

Yeah I still I have my job. I am currently on vacation so I'm thinking about using this vacation time to quit and get straight. Thanks for checking up on me ;)

However I am having trouble going the cold turkey route at the moment. I tried all last night trying to sleep. Just couldn't do it. I kept shivering and sweating, it was God awful, just as I remembered it. Today I bought a very small bag just so I could feel normal enough to go out and buy some food. I'm hoping I can buy some suboxone or something so I don't have to do cold turkey again. I don't really want to wean because that will just be an excuse to use for me. But right now cold turkey seems unbearable. I will try again tonight but I am not confident I can do it and follow through with it.

I need to find a way to beat this and I am trying everything I can. Any suggestions would be much appreciated.
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You can do it man! Also suboxone is a miracle drug for many so you should try and weigh out the benefits of getting on the program. Talk to your doctor.
 
Oh man.

This is brutal guys. Ughh :( The worst are the cold shivers that run up your spine intermittently. If I could just get rid of that I could handle everything else. But that feeling of being cold even though you are warm, it sucks.
 
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