Relapse. Feeling awful and alone

[rainofthehour]

I was 50 days sober from well.. dissociative drugs. Dmxe and 3mePcpy.
I self medicate cptsd with it because I'm getting fucked by mental health services
But I felt like ever since I relapsed it was WORSE
Because I did something that I've never done before

(Warning slight cause mild sexual talk ahead)

I relapsed and did molly and it made my libido very high, and I thought it was great like I was enjoying myself and not feeling any of the negative feelings I usually get while I do my thing (I have ptsd from seuxal trauma specifically so I don't even get pleasure without wanting to die after) so I was kind of happy about it like yay I can have nice things for once! and then the next day I CRASHED. HARD. I had so many nightmares and I feel like I r*ped myself. I feel like I have been r*ping myself nonstop for the past 2 days. And all my flashbacks from when it actually happened are coming back and I just feel shit and I want to hurt myself and die so bad. Also doesn't help I once again realized I have no friends basically. I have to beg people to hangout!!! And the few friends I do have are always busy. When I make new friends they often ignore me or I end up getting left out(especially in groups) I am alone and at this point I am begging people to come and insult me because I'll take any type of attention and actually maybe insults will give me a good reason to be feeling this crap. I can't stop pacing around my room and screaming into my pillow and making nonsensical noises I am going mad.

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

Shit, sorry to hear this. We are here for you!

Sometimes when I feel lonely I just go around people even if I'm not really interacting with them. Might help.

I also see my psychologist every week and that helps, and some meds. In the end I know though that it's up to me, which doesn't seem like a such a bad thing anymore, so I guess I'm growing. Not saying this is the same for you, just wonted to share.

 

[M!$TER-ED]

I'm sorry you are putting yourself through this. You really don't have to persecute yourself this way, often times we feel we must suffer before can get over ourselves for feeling bad. It's crazy how we naturally cause ourselves pain as means of punishment, Perhaps if we suffer enough we may not repeat the behavior that got us here in the first place.

Let it go... you don't deserve the pain you are causing to yourself. IDK we humans are sure a peculiar species, if something is not wrong we create something to stay humble and miserable.

Eventually you will pull yourself out of your funk as we all do at some point in our lives to live and love again. I'm trying to BS you it's a fact everyone goes through, just different circumstances, but all the same really.