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Relapse, detox, hopeless. Need some kind words to get through this

J

JKTeets2789

Greenlighter
Joined
Nov 30, 2011
Messages
25
Basically the jig is up after a 3 month relapse. I was on a year and a half oxy bender before, went to treatment in May and was clean for around 3 more months until September.

Then I relapsed, this time with opana nd a lot of it. I worked my way up to 240mg a day!!! I quit Monday morning, last dose was at 930am. I knocked myself out on benzos Monday night, and took a bit of suboxone (2mg) yesterday. Today I feel like hell.

I couldn't conceal the withdrawals and my mother, who I live with, immediately knew. She said she has had a feeling something was up for a while, just like most do. She was in tatters. Crying, telling me to think of what my two younger brothers would think (I'm only 22) after thinking this whole time that I was clean and that their "big bro" was stronger than some "addiction"

Honestly I don't know what to do. I've asked for help so many times, this is the fourth time I've come to them in a year.... I really did think about just ending it but that's the most selfish thing I could ever do. So I'm laying here, unsure of whether I'll be in rehab again tomorrow, or left to fend for myself, but honestly I haven't ever had such a bleak outlook on this. I've always thought "you can best this thing tough it out" but I'm now wondering if this is my life.

Am I really gonna be like this forever, through this cycle of dispair? Cause I really don't know, for the first time, if I can make it.... It's been 56 hours and this is it?? Jesus christ
 
Maybe it is time to start thinking about maintenance, or a geographic change both have worked for me in the past. But yea your prolly gonna have to deal mwith this for a long time its not something that just goes away IME.
 
Well looks like I'm off to treatment..again for the second time. I really hope someone, maybe tomorrow maybe 4 years from now stumbles upon this, someone who either wants to try opiates or maybe wants to stop before it gets bad.. Listen to what I have to say and DROP IT it's not worth it in any way possible!

I know demographics don't mean much but to show how far reaching addiction goes I am a 6"2 white kid from the very upper middle class suburbs went to a top 10 college, landed a job on wall street I'm only 22 and I have lost everything. I'm lucky my family is still standing beside me through this but trust me, they're next to go. And worst EVER- my pride, trust and reputation

So if your reading this cause some search engine brought you here. Don't do it and if your not far in get out while you can. Cause it's taken everything. From oxy to heroin to needles back to pills. The whole gambit. Ive lost friends loved ones, people don't speak to me. I get phone calls from people I've never met looking for "coke" or "Xanax" even though I don't know where to get it. Yea- that kid. That's me now. Mr college mr baseball mr 6'2" good 195 could have any girls he wants to this. Sitting in my basement room, with nothing but my 46" tv which is the only thing I haven't hawked cause all I do when I'm fucked up is watch it, crying. Wondering. How did this happen. Back to treatment. Back to every move being judged. Back to "is he high? Does he look like he's on something?" drug tests, deceit, hatred. It's all there. In that pill or dope. Hiding and trust me it WILL happen to you. Every wise guy thinks he can do a blue on the weekends or sniff a little dope once a month.

You will unleash a side of you you never want to see.
 
I am in the same boat I feel your pain so badly I have 3 daughters who i had very young and i thank God that my husband and mom stand beside me I'm on suboxone now which really is not any better someday I'm going to have to figure out how to live without that too i so know how hard it is i really do pray that you can win this fight and me someday too good luck i hope you beat it!
 
You won't be trapped in this forever. Clearly, you want to get clean, and it usually takes a few tries when one's addiction is as severe as yours. Besides, you're only 22-- plenty of time to climb back on top of the world!

No need to beat yourself up any more than you have. In fact, no need to at all-- you're human, and we're wired to really like opiates. Some more than others. But nobody, nobody, is hopeless.

If you're able to get online at your treatment, keep in touch, let us know how you're doing. You've got people here rooting for you JKTeets! :)
 
JK, good luck in rehab. You have a lot friends here rooting for you. Come back and let us know how it was and how you are feeling when you can. Don't worry about what you used to "be" and how you see yourself now. Get clean, get strong and keep moving towards your goals. Getting strong inside means accepting yourself, forgiving yourself and believing in your capacity. You do have the capacity to beat this. Everything you are trying is making you a stronger, deeper and more empathetic person. <3
 
90 days clean today as a little update. NA is helping so much and I'm starting to have some hope!
 
YAY!!!!! So glad to read this and to hear that NA is helping you so that you have some support in place. You know, I am going to go out on a limb and say that if I were your mother and you showed me the post that you wrote when you started this thread as well as what you wrote when you went to rehab, that it would go a long way towards deepening the understanding of what you are dealing with. I am a mother and I know that reading how hard you were trying and how bad you felt would be beneficial for any parent to read. IDK how that would feel to you--it's just a thought I had.

Again, congratulations and keep us posted on how it is going.<3
 
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