Harm Reduction Relapse/Cocaine/Methamphetamines/Alcohol

[gu3sswho88]

To make this story short and sweet I've been struggling with drug addiction since I was 17 years old.
Drug of choice any uppers I could get my hands on.
I am now 32, I started recovering at 22 and relapsed 7 years into my recovery.
It lasted about 2 years and it was pretty bad I felt suicidal during the last few months.
I got clean again in June 2019. I slipped up again a week ago and last night after 10 months of being clean.
The problem right now is the immense feeling of guilt and disappointment in myself, I hate myself for this.
My boyfriend is so pissed off he kepts highlighting the shitty things I did when I was using last year. I'm feeling like this will become a habit again and I can't live with that.
Everyone was so proud of me this year I got praised pretty much every day... I've been holding down a job took 2 sick days in a year. I have a good work relationship with all my coworkers and they have no idea of my addiction problems I had in the past.
I just got my license and I finally saved up enough money to buy myself a car.
I swear I'm gonna fuck it all.
I don't understand I was so committed to my recovery. I'm soooo depressed I've stayed in bed pretty much for 3 days straight staring at the wall after I slipped last week.
I'm trying to avoid this now..
How do you cope emotionally? Maybe only time will make it better.
I'm not really looking for advice
I think I just wanted to someone to "listen".
Maybe someone could share with me their recovery journey.

 

[gu3sswho88]

Also the comedown is worst than ever.
The day after I used last week my heartbeat felt way too fast at 136 bmp resting.
I never usually check my bmp so I don't know what's normal for me.
But I've never felt my heartbeat this crazy before.
Felt like some sort of overdose or perhaps anxiety.
It's happening again now but not as bad.
This can't be normal?

 

[sekio]

But I've never felt my heartbeat this crazy before.
Felt like some sort of overdose or perhaps anxiety.

It's no doubt due to the combination of all the drgs you indulged in, and your anxiety/disappointment at yourself for slipping up.

I know it must feel awful to have broken your streak of sobriety. Everyone makes mistakes. The important thing is what you choose to learn from them. You have a lot to look forwards to, with a car in your future.

Feeling awful after relapsing is actually a good thing, in my eyes. Remember the emotion you're feeling right now, when you get the thought to get high again. I think it's clear, you know that the drugs aren't the solution on some level.

Everyone was so proud of me this year I got praised pretty much every day... I've been holding down a job took 2 sick days in a year. I have a good work relationship with all my coworkers and they have no idea of my addiction problems I had in the past.

Well then, in the grand scheme of things, you're pretty well off. You've come this far, having conquered addictions to a bunch fo drugs, and remaining sober. Yes, you had a relapse, but you weren't hurt, you didn't get into any legal trouble, you didn't overdose, and didn't alienate too many people with wierd behaviours. The only things you need to worry about are a lingering sense of disappointment, and focusing on positivity for the future. It sounds to me like you really do have a lot to look forward to. Consider the previous 10 months of sobriety as a practice run. You know you have the tools and knowledge to stay sober, so make yourself proud and show us.

Oh, and this sounds a little shady, but I would think it would be best if you kept thie relapse your little secret. You don't need to lie about it, but don't go shouting from the rooftops that you're dealing with a drug problem. Not everyone in this day and age is quite as understanding as Bluelighters can be - mentioning you have drug problems tends to paint a certain unflattering picture in the minds' eye.

Self reflection can also help prevent this from re-occuring. What drove you to decide to relapse in the first place? Was it related to your depressed mood? Do you think you could think of a better alternative activity to drug use that would make you feel proud for doing so? Perhaps it's time to learn a new craft, or learn to play an instrument, or sart writing a bestselling book. Positive creative outlets!

This can't be normal

You've been sober for a long time. It's only natural that your body is probably a litle overwhelmed with the cocktail of drugs you put into it. After all, you're not used to taking the amounts you may have once used with regulariy. Meth in particular is very persistent in the body and can take a few days (3 or 4 days since dosing) to totally be eliminated.

 

[gu3sswho88]

It's no doubt due to the combination of all the drgs you indulged in, and your anxiety/disappointment at yourself for slipping up.

I know it must feel awful to have broken your streak of sobriety. Everyone makes mistakes. The important thing is what you choose to learn from them. You have a lot to look forwards to, with a car in your future.

Feeling awful after relapsing is actually a good thing, in my eyes. Remember the emotion you're feeling right now, when you get the thought to get high again. I think it's clear, you know that the drugs aren't the solution on some level.



Well then, in the grand scheme of things, you're pretty well off. You've come this far, having conquered addictions to a bunch fo drugs, and remaining sober. Yes, you had a relapse, but you weren't hurt, you didn't get into any legal trouble, you didn't overdose, and didn't alienate too many people with wierd behaviours. The only things you need to worry about are a lingering sense of disappointment, and focusing on positivity for the future. It sounds to me like you really do have a lot to look forward to. Consider the previous 10 months of sobriety as a practice run. You know you have the tools and knowledge to stay sober, so make yourself proud and show us.

Oh, and this sounds a little shady, but I would think it would be best if you kept thie relapse your little secret. You don't need to lie about it, but don't go shouting from the rooftops that you're dealing with a drug problem. Not everyone in this day and age is quite as understanding as Bluelighters can be - mentioning you have drug problems tends to paint a certain unflattering picture in the minds' eye.

Self reflection can also help prevent this from re-occuring. What drove you to decide to relapse in the first place? Was it related to your depressed mood? Do you think you could think of a better alternative activity to drug use that would make you feel proud for doing so? Perhaps it's time to learn a new craft, or learn to play an instrument, or sart writing a bestselling book. Positive creative outlets!



You've been sober for a long time. It's only natural that your body is probably a litle overwhelmed with the cocktail of drugs you put into it. After all, you're not used to taking the amounts you may have once used with regulariy. Meth in particular is very persistent in the body and can take a few days (3 or 4 days since dosing) to totally be eliminated.

Thanks I just need to calm down. Well I hope this will be the lesson I need.
I get no pleasure in using anymore.
It's an instant never ending panic attack.
I had basically no cravings anymore so that's what's is so strange.
My boyfriend drinks on weekends heavily and is a compulsive gambler so I am assuming this is my trigger.

Nobody knows about my slip up except my sister (I tell her almost everything about my life) and boyfriend.
I've always been pretty private about my drug habits.
The people who know are those who witnessed my addiction first hand.
Two of my closest friends stopped talking to me for a year for pretty obvious reasons I think.
We reconnected recently so I'm definitely not talking to them about it.
My dad tried to facetime me yesterday I didn't take the call so he won't see fucked up.
He might start to wonder if I keep rejecting his calls but meh still better this way.

 

[gu3sswho88]

Thank you for your reply.
I just can't think clearly on this shit it amplifies my emotions so I'm not reasoning very well.
I can't wait to finally crash and feel normal again.
Try to pick up where I left off. I'm looking forward to the end of COVID so I get back to work. Having structure helped me a lot I think. I knew I couldn't use even if I had 2-3 days off I still wouldn't be 100% monday mornings and they would notice.
Plus I never go out in public high, it gives me too much anxiety because I'm sure people can notice.

 

[nznity]

Thank you for your reply.
I just can't think clearly on this shit it amplifies my emotions so I'm not reasoning very well.
I can't wait to finally crash and feel normal again.
Try to pick up where I left off. I'm looking forward to the end of COVID so I get back to work. Having structure helped me a lot I think. I knew I couldn't use even if I had 2-3 days off I still wouldn't be 100% monday mornings and they would notice.
Plus I never go out in public high, it gives me too much anxiety because I'm sure people can notice.

sekio is right, don't be too hard on yourself. Relapses are a must in recovery, 99.99% ppl relapse so just get up and keep going.

 

[sekio]

I get no pleasure in using anymore.
It's an instant never ending panic attack.
I had basically no cravings anymore so that's what's is so strange.

This sounds mean, but that's the best possible thing that could happen to ensure you get sober. You really have to commit to the drugs not being worth the investment of time, money, or effort.

Try to pick up where I left off. I'm looking forward to the end of COVID so I get back to work. Having structure helped me a lot I think. I knew I couldn't use even if I had 2-3 days off I still wouldn't be 100% monday mornings and they would notice.

It sounds to me like you know what you need to do and where you need to go from here. As the Japanese would say, ganbatte!

My boyfriend drinks on weekends heavily and is a compulsive gambler so I am assuming this is my trigger.

And this same boyfriend has rhe gall to give you a hard time for relapsing, while he's knee deep in his own addictions? What a piece of work. I can't stand that sort of hypocrisy.

 

[JoEhJoEh]

Bah, I really get so angry about your boyfriend who seems to be addicted to some things by himself but DOES BOTHER YOU? You, the only one that really wants to come off the drugs truly? If I may ask, did you ever confront him with this situation and that his addictions (doesn't matter what) are triggering you maybe into the next relapse? And if yes, what does he tell you?

Things like that are so mean and I can fully understand why you are so desperate - your beloved boyfriend is not strengthening your back - he is addicted by himself but seems normal for him. If you haven't confronted him, pls do so imo.

Oh Gosh, how much I hate that double-moral fucking shitty poisoning persons.

Uhm. Sorry... I'll delete it if it was too much....

All the best for you and pls reply!

JJ

 

[gu3sswho88]

This sounds mean, but that's the best possible thing that could happen to ensure you get sober. You really have to commit to the drugs not being worth the investment of time, money, or effort.


It sounds to me like you know what you need to do and where you need to go from here. As the Japanese would say, ganbatte!


And this same boyfriend has rhe gall to give you a hard time for relapsing, while he's knee deep in his own addictions? What a piece of work. I can't stand that sort of hypocrisy.

Yeah it was a pretty awful night.
He said some pretty cruel things. It's what triggered the anxiety. I don't even have a problem with anxiety normally but speed makes me have attacks. Then he goes on and on about how awful life was for him. It was not gonna lie but how long will he hold it over my head. I proved to him this year I'm capable of change it's not just words. In his own words I'm a crackhead which is pretty far from actual facts. I was in recovery when we started dating I relapsed after 7 years of sobriety 6 months into our relationship. It just kinda breaks me to hear how he sees me.

 

[gu3sswho88]

He says it's different cause he's fine in the morning.
He banned himself from the poker site this morning at least.

 

[JoEhJoEh]

Yeah it was a pretty awful night.
He said some pretty cruel things. It's what triggered the anxiety. I don't even have a problem with anxiety normally but speed makes me have attacks. Then he goes on and on about how awful life was for him. It was not gonna lie but how long will he hold it over my head. I proved to him this year I'm capable of change it's not just words. In his own words I'm a crackhead which is pretty far from actual facts. I was in recovery when we started dating I relapsed after 7 years of sobriety 6 months into our relationship. It just kinda breaks me to hear how he sees me.

Hi,

and sorry for the cruel words you have to hear from him. Does he has any psychiatric diagnose?

JJ

EDIT: Hmmmm..... What about a compromise? If possible he stops gambling and drinking - therefore you try not to relapse again. I don't know whether this is a good idea. If it doesn't help go away from this guy, I'm sorry I'm telling you. Leave him if no compromise works. You both have to get sober. In this set and with this setting I think it is truly not possible.

 

[JoEhJoEh]

He says it's different cause he's fine in the morning.
He banned himself from the poker site this morning at least.

...but for how long.... There are thousands poker sites. Do you have a bank account together or everybody has it's own? What about drinking?

JJ

 

[sekio]

Hmmmm..... What about a compromise? If possible he stops gambling and drinking - therefore you try not to relapse again. I don't know whether this is a good idea. If

If @gu3sswho88 has a honest desire to get sober, and doesn't find former drugs of abuse pleasurable any more, why bother compromising at all? She'd have nothing to gain by intentionally breaking her pledge of sobriety - in fact, if it's anything like the last relapse, it'll be a source of embarassment, shame, and a feeling of weakness, rather than a pleasurable release.

It may be a hardline attitude, but I don't think it's wise to continue an intimate relationship with an unrepentant addict. If he doesn't even accept he has a problem, he's going to remain an addict until something drastic happens. In the meantime, I hope you don't have a joint account and he doesn't have access to your finances. Otherwise he'lll bleed you dry. Gamblers are even worse than alcoholics in my opinion. At leasr the alcoholic has empty bottles and a throbbing hangover to remind them of better times. A gambler at the end of his limit has... nothing at all of value. Because he's gambled everything away.

Maybe you might have to pare things back to just being platonic friends for a while? Or worst case, if he's a consistent source of stress and worry that outweighs his potential for bringing you joy... well, let's just say a battery-operated rubber replacement would be superior. If you ger my meaning.

 

[JoEhJoEh]

If @gu3sswho88 has a honest desire to get sober, and doesn't find former drugs of abuse pleasurable any more, why bother compromising at all? She'd have nothing to gain by intentionally breaking her pledge of sobriety - in fact, if it's anything like the last relapse, it'll be a source of embarassment, shame, and a feeling of weakness, rather than a pleasurable release.

It may be a hardline attitude, but I don't think it's wise to continue an intimate relationship with an unrepentant addict. If he doesn't even accept he has a problem, he's going to remain an addict until something drastic happens. In the meantime, I hope you don't have a joint account and he doesn't have access to your finances. Otherwise he'lll bleed you dry. Gamblers are even worse than alcoholics in my opinion. At leasr the alcoholic has empty bottles and a throbbing hangover to remind them of better times. A gambler at the end of his limit has... nothing at all of value. Because he's gambled everything away.

Maybe you might have to pare things back to just being platonic friends for a while? Or worst case, if he's a consistent source of stress and worry that outweighs his potential for bringing you joy... well, let's just say a battery-operated rubber replacement would be superior. If you ger my meaning.

Honestly I think the same. But I would offer her instead of "LEAVE HIM" another(8perhaps not very useful) try - that compromise.

JJ

 

[tracedwards313]

What you do after the relapse is far more important than the relapse itself.

It sounds like you want to continue staying sober? Well fuck yeah!

So you broke a 10 month streak? Thats the problem with counting days, if you mess up it feels like you lost something BIG. But you didn't! You lost 1 day. Which out of 10 months is pretty damn great.

If you dont go back out, than its not even a problem. It's a mistake to learn from.

Do you work a recovery program?

 

[gu3sswho88]

What you do after the relapse is far more important than the relapse itself.

It sounds like you want to continue staying sober? Well fuck yeah!

So you broke a 10 month streak? Thats the problem with counting days, if you mess up it feels like you lost something BIG. But you didn't! You lost 1 day. Which out of 10 months is pretty damn great.

If you dont go back out, than its not even a problem. It's a mistake to learn from.

Do you work a recovery program?

Thank you that's a good way to look at it.
Nope but I think I'll start meetings whenever the world opens up again. Lol

 

[gu3sswho88]

Honestly I think the same. But I would offer her instead of "LEAVE HIM" another(8perhaps not very useful) try - that compromise.

JJ

I knew it was a bad environment for my recovery but I ignored all the red flags. That was a big mistake on my part.
I felt like it was all behind me because I had 7 years of sobriety.
I'm learning the hard way addiction will always be struggle.
He's actually a really good man when he's sober.
He's passive aggressive of nature but it only turns really ugly if he's angry drunk.
He said this morning no more drinking and gambling.
I've heard it many times before we shall see.

On a happy note I just finally ate and hydrated starting to get tired finally.

 

[gu3sswho88]

...but for how long.... There are thousands poker sites. Do you have a bank account together or everybody has it's own? What about drinking?

JJ

Yes but since I don't have a credit card anymore he can't use them.
This site was the only one my bank accepted.
But yeah the gambling commissions will open back up soon and he'll start gambling on sports and slots again.
Sports doesn't bother me all that much because he can't do live bets.
Slots are really dangerous though he literally won't stop till he drains the account. It's been a while he has done it though. He made a lot of progress with that.

 

[tracedwards313]

Thank you that's a good way to look at it.
Nope but I think I'll start meetings whenever the world opens up again. Lol

I might ramble a bit here...

Meetings can be great if used correctly. But, in order for any 12 step program to work people have to understand what it actually is. See, I wasted unbelievable amounts of time in and around recovery groups because I, like many, went to AA/NA to get off drugs.

I thought showing up to meetings and talking/sharing with other addicts about our common problem was what the point was. Maybe read some books and eventually get those "steps" out of the way. Then go live life sober.

Naturally, I never lasted very long and decided AA wasn't going to work for me. The truth was I had no idea what I was doing, even after 100s and 100s of hours in meetings lol, I didn't understand that my half ass attempt was my waste of time.

Its kinda weird to realize that AA isnt really about getting sober. It would be great if it was that easy! But its not.

If simply removing drugs from an addicts life was the solution, getting clean would be easy! The real problem addicts face is the inability to manage a health life. They use drugs as a solution, which just spirals them into oblivion.

AA/NA is program of practicing spiritual principles in everyday life. Meant to teach people the ability to manage a normal life. It's a set of principles to follow, no different than many other spiritual teachings of the world.

Imagine: A person that goes to meetings, yet ignores the real point of being there, is the same as a person who goes to church but ignores the teachings of Jesus or the Bible ....

MORAL OF THE STORY..... Going to recovery meetings is pointless if you dont work a recovery program. Don't be like me, if you are going to go, actually go.

There is no one solution to getting clean and what works for some will fail for others. But, one this is true for all addicts, we have a spiritual problem requiring a spiritual solution and until we accept that, the same problems will continuously torment our lives.

Peace